by Lori Dwyer on July 10, 2011 · 24 comments

It’s been six months, today, since Tony died.

181 days.

181 days of… breathing. Taking great big gasps of air, whenever the pain recedes enough to do so.

181 days.

People don’t survive that long in the wilderness.

They said it would be slightly better at this point, that it would hurt a little bit less. They were right. This is relief, even if it doesn’t feel that way.

It feels as if I were burned, horribly, six months ago. Burnt, and in pain, for weeks that felt endless.

And now those raw nerves, that exposed flesh, is covered with scar tissue.

And I’m so horribly numb.

Every now and then, something will scratch through that thick grafted skin, hit a nerve. Sometimes it bleeds. Sometimes it even makes me cry.

And sometimes, those sizzled nerve endings, they begin to regrow. And they hurt, they sting, they itch. I could go insane from that itch inside my head. (Why…?).

I will never look the same again.


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{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }

Andrea July 19, 2011 at 8:14 pm

All I could think about reading this was how much I love scars. signs of life and all that. Now I don't mean that to be perverse, my brain went on a tangent without my permission…

But maybe somewhere in my tangent I was thinking that it's the wounds that are the bad part – but scars, scars are signs of healing.


Helen and Naomi July 11, 2011 at 8:36 pm

I just want to reiterate what someone said above, that you are an inspiration. Sending thoughts and prayers from Ireland. x


Zoe Paige July 11, 2011 at 6:09 pm

my partner recieved 3rd degree burns to approx 40% of his body 6 years ago. His scars have healed, but if you look closely you can see. The worse are hidden from world under layers of clothing. what you are saying makes total sense Lori, the the scars may heal over time, but it doesnt change what happened, and if someone was to catch you unawares, naked in a sense, they would see your pain. You're such an inspriation. You're so strong, even if you don't feel it right now. You should be so proud of yourself. X


Sophie July 11, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Sending hugs.


Glowless @ Where’s My Glow July 11, 2011 at 5:12 pm

Has it really been six months? It seems like ages ago, and like it was just yesterday at the same time.

Remember that scar tissue can be beautiful, and worn as a badge of honour xxx


In Real Life July 11, 2011 at 1:50 pm



Donna July 11, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Hard to believe half a year has gone by… Congratulations might be a funny thing to say but if it were me I'd be a little bit proud for just simply surviving in the face of it all. Not many could…

Just like Maxabella so perfectly said "6 months stronger, braver, wiser, wholer"


Toushka Lee July 11, 2011 at 9:08 am

sending love.


Jean July 11, 2011 at 7:42 am

Much love to you XXX


Amy xxoo July 11, 2011 at 7:34 am

I bet all those counsellors and advice givers in the first few days told you " take it one day at a time ".
Well you have – you've taken it 181 days, and you're still here and still chugging along. I was going to say " your still in one piece " but i dont think thats really right, is it? Either way, you've made thru 181 days already – you can make it thru another one. And another after that….


MamaRobinJ July 11, 2011 at 6:19 am

So long and yet I'm sure it feels like yesterday. You have farther to go and more strength to gain and we'll be with you all the way. xo


Kelloggsville July 11, 2011 at 4:38 am

x scar tissue always seems to have an itch x You express yourself so well. Sending love (and pixie dust) x


Nicole July 11, 2011 at 10:29 am

6 months hey..

My thoughts are with you xx


Crystal Cheverie July 11, 2011 at 9:05 am

Wow, six months already. That sucks beyond imagining that, yes, you have been permanently altered by this. I hope, though, that as you keep putting one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, that it does get easier and that eventually you'll get to a point where you won't have to do it that way because you'll be OK again – forever altered, but OK. I wish nothing but health and happiness for you and your babies. HUG!!


Georgia July 10, 2011 at 10:44 pm

You are never far from my thoughts. Have been thinking of you all day. Sending you love. xxx


Maxabella July 10, 2011 at 10:21 pm

6 months stronger, braver, wiser, wholer. Lori. x


Sharon July 10, 2011 at 10:07 pm

No, you will never look the same again. the scar tissue will always be there, in your eyes, in your speech, in the way you think and the way you walk. But scar tissue does fade, eventually. And you wont look like the old you, but you will not look this raw, this pained.

You are doing well, I think, to have made it this far and to continue to write and engage in conversation constantly.

6 months. It is a milestone indeed, and one you should be proud of coming to with your children by your side and living in a place where you may be able to heal.

Which is a lot of waffle to say that even as a stranger I think of you lots and I wish that "vibes" were real because I would send as many nurturing and healing vibes as I could.


Lynda Halliger-Otvos July 10, 2011 at 10:04 pm

Lori, I am here, in the dark of the predawn in California sending love and healing over the mighty waters to help attenuate the pain of this anniversary. Yoga breath and physical contact with your kids may create endorphins in all three of you. Know that you are Not alone today.


MultipleMum July 10, 2011 at 10:03 pm

A milestone Lori. You won't have to do the first six months again. Keep breathing and mover forward. You rock x


Suz @ Segovia and The I Love You Song July 10, 2011 at 9:58 pm

Love to you Lori xxx


Queensland Girl July 10, 2011 at 9:50 pm

I have no useful words for you, I wish I did. I can't say I understand how you feel, because I don't, not many of us can…but I find your strength and honesty inspiring.
Just keep breathing. Jo xxx


Alienne July 10, 2011 at 11:33 pm

I am coming up to 4 years now, and I recognise what you describe so well. Now, after all this time, the skin is thicker, the itch less common and it bleeds less often. But it still happens, and I still miss him so much.

Good luck, keep strong.


Toni July 10, 2011 at 11:33 pm

Six months ….. that seems un-real, somehow. Can it really be so long? and yet, so little time?
What you've been through, Lori — six months is nothing. A blink. And yet the longest six months of your life.

You're amazing. And I wish with all my heart that you didn't have to be.


Denwise aka Denyse Whelan July 10, 2011 at 11:10 pm

Six months. No-one is the same from 6 months ago but no-one has the added & added stressors you've had in that time. Pretty sure, you are unique there.
My view is to look at those 6 months in terms of the kids. A long time for three y o and even longer for lil sister.
You though, are finding raw nerves exposed when least expected. Like the phantom pain (REAL) after an amputation.
Your amputation, sudden and irrevocable came 6 months ago. The pain strings… Recedes … Stings again.
Thank goodness you write. Vent. Laugh. Feel. Cry.
Loved by so many yet only you walk in your shoes. Again. So very sorry but love your will & determination and guts.D


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