Bad day.
Some days I feel like I’m the one who’s psychotic. Like I’ve snapped. Like there is a part of who is still standing in my back lane way, screaming for help, holding my daughter, repeating “He’s dead, he’s dead, he’s dead” over and over again.
And all this is an illusion. This woman, who I do not know, protected her children and did what needed to be done and is still doing it. I don’t know her. The Lori I know, the Lori you all knew, she might be stuck there forever. Holding her daughter. terrified. Unable to stop screaming.
I know there has been question, amongst those people I know In Real Life, and those I don’t, about whether I should be writing here, or not. How much I should say. How much I should keep to myself. Just how real and graphic this blog will get.
I don’t care.
I’m not ashamed of the events that have happened, as difficult as they are to deal with. And I’m not going to stay silent. This is real. This is shit. This is my life. And I don’t care who knows how bad it. I know it might scare people, and make some people uncomfortable. I don’t really care.
As I said, this is real.
This is the direct after math of a suicide.
This is what happens when a strong, loving, amazing, caring, sweet family man bottles up too much stuff, and won’t ask for help.
This is the aftermath of a psychosis. A real live one. No fooling around.
And none of this pain, this hurt, this ugliness has been tempered by time. It’s all fresh and vivid and horrible colorful.
And I’m writing because I have to. I’m not sure what else to do with all this pain and rage and fucked-up-ed-ness.
At least here, the hurt it can cause is minimal. I may not explode, and say things I do not mean, if I’m pouring them out here instead.
And it hurts. To see this place, this blog, which has always been all of me, go from what it was to what it is now. From purple and stupidness and writing about my ridiculous sex life, to a constant litany of pain. Of hurt. Of too much information.
But I write. Because I have to. And because putting it out there, sharing it, it makes it so much less dark. Fuck, it still hurts.
But I won’t let this be a dirty secret. There is nothing to feel shame about here.
{ 113 comments… read them below or add one }
Lori, as others have said you do what you need to do.
you are so so right, there is no shame here- if it helps to write about it then
that is what you must do.
my thoughts are with you.
As the others have said, do what you need to do. If writing helps you then write.
Thinking of you.
Followed a couple of links here. Write whatever you need to write. Let it out. I don't know you, but I would like to offer what comfort I can to someone in pain. Your words are already getting other people to reach out for help.
oh, sweet God of mercy.
i only just came in here today. i followed a link posted by someone talking about removing the stigma of mental illness and getting people the help they need and not waiting until it's too late and i do not know what to do except cry.
and pray.
do not ask me where i've been.
there aren't words.
i'll just keep praying.
Lori, it is so true what you write about that being the after math of suicide. It is…I know as the survivor of a father who hung himself. You do recover. You do move on. But man does it take time. Also, I realize you face a different possibly more intimate experience as it was your husband. Being a wife myself now, I can only imagine the torment my own mom went through. You and your children are getting nothing but good ol' healing energy from me. Pour it all out honey!
How did I miss this post? Please keep writing. Be real, be honest, don't worry about what anyone else thinks or can bear to read. They are always welcome to click away. What you are doing is amazing and incredible and beautiful, even in it's raw ugliness, it is beautiful. Just write and write and write and keep moving through it. Love you so much. You are amazing. xoxo
If it helps you, write. Hell, if singing sea shanties makes you feel human then do it. We all grieve differently and perhaps some who feel it is inappropriate to write are carrying their own grief very close to the surface and would prefer you not to upset their apple cart… People's judgments of you are just a reflection of themselves.
Whilst I'm not 'enjoying' reading these posts I find them amazing and their raw honesty has me in awe.
Write.
Thank you so much for sharing this open and honestly. I hope it's not too much to deal with people feeling weird about it and I'm glad it makes you feel less dark. I think it's amazing that you can share it- I don't think I'd be able to, but I think what you're doing is important and could help others. I think not talking about things like this is something that can perpetuate the situations that can lead to them happening. Anyway, love and warm thoughts to you. And thank you.
I am very sorry for your loss. I can never understand why people get such a visceral response to how others deal with loss. Please write as much as you can. Write whatever that spills out if it helps you make sense of this senseless thing you are going through. Best wishes. And if you don't mind, some {{{{hugs}}}} from a stranger across the Internet.
I am a Real Friend from Real Life, and without your blogs, your tweeds, your FB updates I would be lost….
I can only do so much. You need your space physically and mentally, and so to allow this I have been reduced to cyber stalking like a psycho
I bounce between your sites, and other peoples blogs, gleaning info and watching hoping praying from afar. I Need these blogs to ease my own personal guilt of not being able to watch over you any other way.
KT Greco
Keep writing – whatever helps do it! It's your blog and your space. You are continuing that education that you started in the eulogy at Tony's funeral, and you may be saving another family from the aftermath of suicide. Big Hugs xxx
Write it. This is your space, for you, and if this place here helps you then you should write it.
Lori, all the love in the world to you for using this time as a chance to speak up for others who've ever felt that they couldn't. Know that you are serving an amazing purpose in this world and you are more than entitled to feel whatever it is that you're feeling right now.
I can only imagine your pain and unbelievable anger at it all. The tears flow and flow for you and the life you lost and the one you still have to live. Writing is an exceptional outlet, keep it up!
You know that hideously overused analogy with the aeroplane crash instruction about putting the oxygen mask on yourself first, others second?
I view blogging as my oxygen mask.
Dude, if there is one time, ONE HOLY GOD MORE AWFUL THAN HUMANLY IMAGINABLE time you should do whatever the FUCK you want to do, this is it.
Put on your proverbial oxygen mask and do whatever you need to do to get by. To get through the next five minutes, the next hour, the next night, the next day.
Whatever you need to do.
You shouldn't write, for what? So people don't feel uncomfortable reading it? You have to live it Lori, and that is frickin' discomfort right there. A whole load of pain and torture and despair. So fuck 'em. Keep writing, I know i'll keep reading.
M2Mx
oh Lori, this is your space. You created it & you're surrounded by friends. Some of whom are also IRL. I'm so glad you're not ashamed, because there isn't any shame, although there is so much pain & suffering for you.
If this helps at all, then at least there is a tiny drop of solace.
Keep writing.
We're listening.
No shame whatsoever.
Keep writing Lori x
I'm sad that people are questioning what you are writing. This is your life, you have shared it for the past year with the world why stop now. This is your space to rant & rave & do whatever you want.
Don't stop writing if it helps you. Ok?
No-one is being forced to read so if they don't feel comfortable then they shouldn't read! I think yu are an amazing woman and I bet this will help both you and other people in the future.
xxx mrsmac (BB)
You do what you need to do – fuck anyone else who thinks it's not okay and that your honesty is 'uncomfortable'. As Dorothy said above, bad shit goes down and if we can't be honest about that, the what's the bloody point in having a blog??
Hi Lori,
Keep writing. It is not "brave" to write all about it, it is honest. As you said, this is life. Bad shit happens in life. And so many people don't talk about the really bad shit, fearing the judgement of others.
I had bad shit happen. And I wrote about. And readers kept telling me how brave and strong I was for being so honest. But I was just being me! How can you keep all this shit inside??? It is fucking unhealthy! It eats you up and it hurts. So you have to let it out the only way you know how.
I love that you've been writing and publishing, because it gives me hope that there are real people out there who are not afraid of showing others that they're real. Bad shit happens….!! We need to tell the world!!!
Whatever helps you to cope, survive, breathe right now. I don't think there are any right or wrongs when such terrible tragedy changes everything.
you do what you need to do to get through the day…
as simple as that…
Write Lori. Write and write and write and write.
We are here reading and "listening". Always have been. Always will be.
x
I think you're amazing. And I think you should continue to write if that's what you feel like doing. Like everything, if it makes some people uncomfortable, they should just 'switch the channel'.
For every person that your brutal honesty upsets, i reckon you're helping 20 others in some way. Inspiring and giving food for thought and maybe changing the views of some people.
I believe you'll save lives too. A month ago, I imagined being where you are now, because my husband was in a bad place. He got thru that bout of deep holeness, and is doing ok now, but I'm waiting, subconsciously, for the next fall. With him, I have been sharing your words, making it an open subject through your courage to share, and getting it out there between us. Telling him that while he thinks, in his low worthless points, that maybe even though it would be hard for me in the short term for him to depart (his word), that i would be better off in the long term without him, that is so untrue.
So Lori, keep writing, keep feeling whatever it is you're feeling at any particular time…one day you will look back and be proud of yourself for getting thru it, and saving lives thru your blog, and you might even have the words for a book eventually.
Most of all, writing is what helps some people most of all, and it seems that you're one of those people, and anything you can find to help you at this horrid time is what you have to do. Best thing about doing it this way rather than in a journal by your bed is that you get so much love and support back, so it's doubly helping. Vent, get all those feelings out, do what you need to do….and know that there's lots of people thinking about you.
You're right Lori. It is uncomfortable. But what the hell. Do what you need to do. It's also important. Make us uncomfortable. Make us aware.
I had this quote on my old blog for a long time — by C.S. Lewis — "we read to know we are not alone"
Thank you,
P
You couldn't be more right.
Sending you much love . . . along with so many others . . .
That;s right Lori This is your blog ,your space so write what ever and when ever you like /want etc… No one is judging you at all . let all that hurt /anger and more out here on your page xxx
You are amazing – even when you don't feel it.
Through the haze of this horrendous mess, you are an inspiration.
Thank you for sparking some very important converations in our household.
I've no doubt your beautiful children miss their vivacious, gorgeous Mum for now. But you do have a lifetime with them. One day they will come to a place of understanding and absolute awe at how you managed to survive this god awful time. x
Those that matter – don't mind and those that mind – don't matter! xox
Write. I know it's what i would need to do. If people aren't liking it, they don't need to read, but you need to do what helps you right now, no matter how small the task may seem, no matter how big it is, just do what helps. <3
You are absolutely right. Think of the impact you may have on SOMEBODY out there – or MANY PEOPLE out there. You are giving a voice to pain that has been felt before. It may help in the healing of others. It is beautiful.
Lori writing about this terrible event is obviously helping you deal with the anger, hurt and sadness and because of that is helping your mental health. And if seeing what the aftermath can be to their family and friends helps just one person (and I'm sure it's more than that) talk about their own problems and darkness instead of bottling it up then it's helpful. Life is not just about the rosey things and in order to care for and help others we need to know about the pain they go through too. Wishing you strength everyday.
damn right – you write it
Hi Lori I'm Eden's (Edenland) sister. We've had first hand experience of suicide in our family and it fucking sucks dogs balls. There is NO POINT to anything after it happens. I remember deciding not to cry after about a week, then 5 years went by and I still hadn't cried. 22 years later and my sisters still call me Chandler Bing from an old Friends episode where Chandler never cries, 22 years and alot of healing later I can finally cry, but it doesn't come easy. DO NOT clam yourself up, DO NOT let any judgemental fuckwits stop you from letting out your pain. Whatever works for you Lori, you do. You have alot of support here, and you'll most likely get the non-supporters as well, but do what's right for you and don't let judgement get in the way. The power of the internet has given so many people an outlet, a doorway, an ocean in which to ride the torrent of their own emotions, use it Lori, use it and don't let the fuckwits get in the way.
Linda xoxoxoxoxox
You should say and do whatever you want. This is real, SO horribly real. And so fresh for you and your family. Keep on writing whatever helps you push through this grief. Fuck all those who disagree. I am praying for you.
You do what you have to do to cope! Anyone who doesn't understand that writing about something terrible can be greatly therapeutic doesn't understand human nature.
And you will always find support here
I find it incredibly inspiring that your writing here, because i've been the one who DOES bottle things up, and i can tell you with aboslute certainty that changing the tone of your blog is the far better option.
By showing your pain, your showing your strength, because your showing how unafraid you are. Kudos to you Lori, kudos to you…
Oh Lori. Keep writing! For God's sake — do what feels right FOR YOU! This is your space, your life. Your words, raw and unedited, are documenting your life. This is important for you, your children, and others who read this. You are an amazing woman faced with an unimaginable Event. There is no shame in your feelings. We are praying for you. We are here for you. We support you. xoxo
Keep writing,Lori. Writer's write…that's what they do to express themselves in the best way they know how. It's real. It's raw. It's honest. It's exactly what you need to do. For your kids too, this is the truth and it's their life. It's a record of how their mum got through this terrible, terrible time and how she refused to be silent. A record of how she grieved…healthily and wholey and honestly.
I just soooo appreciate you and the way you are dealing with all of this. xxx
The thing I've always loved about you and your blog, and still do, is your openness and honesty and the unashamed way you put your thoughts and feelings out there.
Keep writing-it's clear that it's therapeutic for you and that's a good thing. It's inspiring for us who read it – painful, and heart wrenching, but inspiring too. Keep writing because we're listening :-).
If you find you aren't comfortable with the word 'strong', then consider the world 'resilient'.
Because that is how I see you.
xo Belinda
*HUGS* Keep writing and doing whatever works for you, there is no right or wrong, and definitely no shame.
You MUST write whatever YOU NEED to write babe. If people don't want to read, no one is forcing them.
Lots of love to you and yours. xoxoxoxo
There Is no shame in what you are doing. Writing is a powerful tool to get those feelings out. There is no shame when those words are coming from that place in your soul that needs to heal. We are all here beside you. Xo
I hope that writing it all out gives you some sort of peace . . . even if it's only a minuscule amount.
*hugs* we're all here for you.
I never understood why anyone would hold anything back on their blog. It is sort of lying to onself to not be honest and raw. I think of it as a diary. Who would lie to their diary? You NEED NEED to write about your feelings and about events that happen in your life. How else do you sort it all out and even start to grasp what has happened?
Sending lots of love and hugs.
there is no shame here and no shame elsewhere.
if it wasn't for this whole 'shame'thing many more people would seek help, naturally, before it comes to the worst. you are doing the right thing.
if it helps you to blog, Lori, blog your heart out. you are the one that has to cope with it, you are the first concerned person. what other people think is completely irrelevant.
if it helps you to be open in the public place that is the internet, do it.
and yes, you might just help others to 'come out' before another life is lost, another family grieving. i have great respect for what you do.
(i just hope you will have only positive feedback to this ok.. strangers can hurt for no reason too..)
No shame, only the courage to do what you must to come through this terrible terrible thing.
Love and strength to you. xxx
You are brave to write. You are so unselfish because you write. Sharing your pain, your story. It is amazingly brave and will help someone else. Keep pouring it out and heal, one moment at a time.
I just found your blog today so I can't comment on how it was before. But I have read your posts about your terrible loss and I have to say that I am very sorry you are going through this.
I haven't lost my husband, but I did lose my son in August of 2010 at 36 weeks so I know about grief and loss. I actually started my blog to deal with my pain and grief.
I can tell you that writing it all down, even the really painful parts, has helped me keep my sanity. So my advice is to keep on writing. As much as you need to, and about whatever you want to.
It's your blog, your place to talk about what you want. If people don't like it then they can go read someone elses "happy" blog. There are plenty of them out there.
I will be following your blog now. Grief sucks, but you are not alone.
Keep writing lovely…..this is your space. xxxooo
Gorgeous Lori,
It's your blog and if it's what you want to do, then do it – Tell the haters to get f**ked
Lots of love from your past belly buddy on BB
People – especially Aussies – are only just getting used to the whole blogging thing to begin with. Like, why would anyone talk about anything on the internet? They are catching up, slowly.
I have been writing for almost four years, and have learnt a lot. I blog under my real name. I can't hide from my truth, and why should I? Too many people in the world spend their time and energy wearing masks, hiding things. Fuck that.
Lori, the Truth will set you free.
And as heart-wrenching as it is to read your posts, these Dark Days, my God they are beautiful. You are beautiful. You are amazing, and articulate, and sharing your broken heart with the world only makes you moreso. And the collective consciousness surrounding you and your children and your beautiful blog is giving you love and hope.
XOX
Dear Lori
Keep writing. We will keep reading and sending love and positive thoughts to you and trying to help in whatever way we can.
God bless xx
Hey Lori,
I second and third everyone that says keep writing – do what works for you – whatever that may be and if people don't like it that is their problem – not yours! Draw strength from the web community and your IRL friends that support you and as said above "sidestep" the others for awhile. xxoo
If it makes people uncomfortable, they don't have to read. I agree with everyone here – expression is healthy and healing. You are a writer, it's your form of expression. You are not hurting anybody. So don't stop, and don't listen to the doubters. But you already knew that.
No shame my darling, no shame at all. This is your place to say whatever you want!! It's so important if you can't talk then to write and to write about what happened because it is so taboo but is happening to to often.
I think people suggest you stop because they want to protect you, and fear that trolls may be unkind. I think they think they are helping you. But if this is what you need, and it's helping you and others, then that's that.
The great thing about blogging is we can share what we want to share, and keep to ourselves what we want as well. Neither is wrong. You're an adult, it's your blog and the beauty of it is that you create the boundaries yourself.
If you ever get trolled, you can moderate them, and I'm damned sure that there are plenty of us to put anyone like that in their place too!
But the best thing is, that there are so many kind people who love you reading this. That outweighs all the what ifs.
We're all here to help you of course, but you are helping us too. Not that that's your job or your focus right now. But the other day, 'was it my fault' day, I got my partner to read it.
Since his mental illness has become an issue in our lives, I've been fearful and watchful to try to prevent something like this happening in our family. My partner assures me he's not suicidal, but I do know he has dark times. That's why I wanted to be sure he read that post that day. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
For anyone who is concerned for you, hopefully this post of yours will allay their fears. And if they keep harping on about it? Well, why do they keep reading it, you know?
I keep many things private at my blog, but when I do share something personal, I am consistently blown away by the support and friendship that is extended by my readers and commentators.
So, if you need to, let it out here. You're among friends. And if you need to keep something to yourself, do that. You're among friends, either way we'll understand:) Much love, darling
There is absolutley NO shame in write how you feel. Don't let anyone make you feel anything like that! Writing is healing. And you need to heal. You don't want to bottle it up inside. Express yourself. Get angry, get sad… and one day you will have happy days. One day you will smile, and laugh. And each day that you can let go of some pain… you make room for happiness. It will take time…. maybe a long time. But it will happen. And by sharing your experiences – you may just help others out there. Maybe many of us will just ask our partners how they are really feeling. Look out for any 'signs'.
This is your blog Lori, your life. Don't let anyone dictate it for you. Don't hold back. I am only a new reader… but I am another person (of 100's, if not 1000's) who cares about you. Hang in there.
There will always be people with opinions – good and bad – the people you know you in real life, and some of the ones here, are most likely worried that this will come back to haunt you in some way. I understand your need to write, I understand your need to make sure people are listening and learning to avoid this happening in their lives, I will never understand your pain having never been in your situation. I think that writing is a way of getting it out of your heart, of making sense of the senseless place you are now. Do what you need to do to heal, don't worry about anyone else but you and Bump and Chop. xxx
Nope, no shame here.
Bring it on Lori. Share with us,share the pain, the hurt, share the fucked-up-ness. Anything to make it less dark for you. It's your space, for you to express what you need to – whatever it takes to get you through. We're here for you. Just do it – shame, what shame?.
Just keep writing, if it helps you get through these horrible times. I don't know you IRL but I think you are so very strong!
It is brilliant that you are writing this out on so many levels. It is real, and I hope it is healing for you. Keep on keeping on.
Brave.
Fearless.
Your pain is yours.
Don't let it knock you to the ground and keep you there.
Keep getting up.
Again and again.
No room for worrying about what others think. As you well know – life is not a rehearsal. Do whatever you need to do. Your writing is beautiful. Your account is far from comfortable but we all have the choice to switch off our computers. You don't and you are touching a lot of hearts. You are a brave woman who is making a difference to others.
Keep on keeping on xxx
Keep writing Lori.
Take one day at a time.
We're here.
Good on you for writing. It is your blog, you do what you like with it. Its your time, your space to say what you like. Write as much as you want. It will help you too and thats what matters. xx
Lori, words are such fragile, fickle creatures. What you are doing by corralling them in this way (on paper) is giving them the shape, structure and form to support YOU while everything around you is so formless. I hope you keep doing so as it seems to be giving you some comfort.
my thoughts to you…. xx
Lori, you are a writer. It is apart of who YOU are. No shame. Write baby, continue to write. Pour your heart out. You will write and we all will continue to listen x
Don't let anyone tell you how you should grieve. Ever.
Just keep on doing what you're doing babe. I understand completely and I think most of us do. The rest? Not worth your time.
Your space, Lori. no-one is forcing anyone else to read. If people wish to put their heads in the sand and ignore the realities of life and death, then let them. Compassion means listening when someone else's heart is breaking. Keep writing and let us know how you feel. That's the best way for everyone to now keep an eye on you, to make sure you are not left alone.
You, your words, and this whole fucked up story will save lives. I'm trying to get everyone I know to read this, to see what suicide does to the victims left to pick up the pieces.
I know I mentioned this on a blog I wrote when trying to raise awareness for your upcoming auction but I think this Shakespeare quote sums up the need to write perfectly:
“Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart, and bids it break.”
I know you won't feel this, but you are an inspiration. You have a story to tell and EVERYONE should read and heed.
Lori, for your own sake, keep sharing your tragic story! If anyone has a problem with what you are writing they know how to stop reading! Your strength is inspirational, the raw uncensored emotions are nothing to be ashamed about! Be proud that you are able to share this with people who care enough to support you and respond with such kindness! I, for one, am so glad to receive each post from you – as it means you are still here, and you are touching so many people in so many ways! Please keep writing – your honesty is breathtaking!!
Write and write and write. Do whatever you need to do. You are extraordinary Lori xxx
No, there is absolutely no shame, nor should there be. Write as much as you need to. If other people don't like it, they can p*ss off…
Just keep writing your truth, brave one. Keep writing.xxxx
Write like the wind, Lori. x
As the others have already said, keep writing.
You recently wrote that Tony said this was 'your space' and it is. Your space to grieve, feel rage, sadness, whatever. It's your life and it's real – nothing to be ashamed of and certainly nothing to hide.
I totally understand the need to write through it. I think most bloggers/writers do. If it eases the pain, even slightly, and makes life just that little more bearable than it's important.
This won't be in your thoughts or intentions now, but you're also helping a lot of people out there. One day, this might give you some satisfaction.
Take care sweet lady. Keep writing, we're here reading.
xxx
My friend, Kim, sent me here. On December 7th 2010 I lost the love of my life. He killed himself.
He was the strongest, gentlest most loving man I have had the pleasure of loving and knowing. He also took on everything and didn't ask for help.
We had 11 wonderful years together and now I don't know how life can keep going, why I wake up and why won't my heart stop beating, because he took it all with him the day he went.
I am in a fog and my teenage children are shattered.
More than anything, I want to lay with him and go, but my children need me more than my selfish wishes, but I miss him so much.
What I would give to have those moments back.
phillip.nicole@bigpond.com
You have no reason to feel ashamed, this is a terrible situation. What if writing this prevented it from happening to another family? Also, we are always told that our blog is for us, not for the readers, so screw them! They don't have to read it. If typing how much pain you're in, prevents you from unintentionally losing it infront of the kids, surely that's a good thing?
Keep going, one day at a time.
Fuck those that think life is all zippitydodah and those are the only bits to share. *APPLAUSE!* Well said.
I just wrote a huge long reply to you about how much your helping me in a situation that could well turn out just like yours and deleted it. Just know that your writing IS helping other people, whether that was your intention or not, it is. That your blog can do help other and you at the same time is wonderful thing. Fuck those that think life is all zippitydodah and those are the only bits to share. You should be able to share the good the bad and the ugly. It's all part of life. Life can be fucked up and uncomfortable and confronting. If it helps you to share the details, do it because it is definitely helping someone else.
Lori, I've been following since Dannie asked us to pray/send healing thoughts to you…and I absolutely commend you on not being afraid to put it all out there. Your blog is about your life and if this is your life, then you SHOULD write about it and get it out. Your blog – your decision. The speech you made at Tony's funeral was amazing…I hope that those words might be the saving grace for somebody, even though it's been at such a great cost to you. Take care of yourself and do what you need to do.
Emma.
Write and write and don't stop. Ever. xxx
You are amazing.
What the others have said, Lori. I was questioned too, when I started writing in 2005. You write through your experience and you write for others who come after you (for very sadly, it's not the first or last time this has ever/will ever happen in the world). Your voice is exceptionally strong, you are talented, your wit is still there and your will shall see you through. Keep going, dear girl.
I will say….. self-checking on the details is important – perhaps down the track you will remember posts you've made and you just won't want them "out there" on the www anymore. And at that point, you can delete the posts or move back to your drafts folder. It's all doable. But don't let yourself be silenced xxxx
Just do whetever you need to do. Who cares what other people think FFS? Whatever workds to get through the pain. Whatever works.
Some of the greatest writing of all time has come from the darkest human experience. What you write is real and if it is shocking to some, then they can look away. As for me, I am glad you are pouring your soul out here. It is healing, it is insightful, it is giving us the chance to support in whatever small way we can.
So scream as long and loud as you need to.
We are here to listen.
And to love.
Nx
I refer you to the excellent advice you received last week – cordially tell them to fuck off. I imagine that as they are people you know IRL they are going through their own pain. Well that is theirs to go through, their way. It's not their place to tell you what to do with yours. If they came and read what you wrote, and the responses you receive, they would see that this is a place of overwhelming love and support and understanding for you. Every time you post, I'm a little bit relieved that you haven't stopped… I can't help thinking that as long as you keep coming back, eventually you'll be OK.
And there is no shame in the truth. That is one of the most amazing things about the way you have handled this tragedy – no matter how fucked up it is, you're not afraid of the truth.
That's some serious courage.
Love to you always xoxoxo
This is why I set up a second blog for the hard shit. I don't edit it so much. Rather … I don't' edit myself. I put it all in. and the stuff which is too too private? Well I just make those a private post but still pour out all the rage and terror and fear and insanity. Get it out of my head and onto the page. Quieten the internal screaming for a bit.
…and at nearly 11 months down the track, I can read back over posts and see that I've made a step forwards… a minuscule one and after a huge slide backwards… but I am a little better than I was last year.
Lori, you are an inspiration to me – your strength and your honesty are amazing.
You are an angel in disguise.
If there is any scrap of sense as to what has happened and why you – it is because you are a woman with the strength and roar of a lion & you will use it to make a fucking difference.
The reason our loved ones seem to slip away silently right before our eyes is this awkward, uncomfortable, stifling silence that surrounds mental illness, self harm and suicide.
It's the taboo that stops people from speaking out in the first place and its the fucking taboo that's stops those contemplating it from seeing the absolute horror that comes from the aftermath. It's all so sterile and polite and the silence is deafening.
Don't you dare ever feel ashamed, how dare anyone imply that you should be locked within this nightmare by yourself simply because the reality of it makes *them* feel uncomfortable.
What. the . fuck.
LLx
What is the point of a blog – this place – if you cannot come here and vent, rage, cry, scream. A blog evolves as life changes and, for now, this is where it is at. You write. And write.
If it helps you even a tiny bit then it's all the better!
Please keep writing. You are absolutely right, there is nothing to be ashamed of here.
Keep doing what YOU need to do to get through this.
Wishing you strength. xx
I think everbody has already said it much better than I could hope to…but I think writing/talking is one of the best things you can do right now. And you're so right – there is nothing for you to be ashamed of sweetie. Keep talking, we're all here for you.
CheezelMonster from BB
Oh sweetheart, I am just going to echo the comments above me. I am sitting here in tears, for a beautiful soul I have never met. You say ANYTHING you need to here, this is YOUR SPACE, YOUR LIFE, YOUR EMOTIONS and although we are not able to comfort you physically, sweet Lori, we are all here to listen and not judge you. I cannot even for a second understand the pain you are going through, but I can offer you all my love and to listen with an open heart, unconditionally. Much love, Tina xx
You write whenever and whatever, Lori. This is your space and if writing is helping you, then work with it.
Love and strength xxx
If writing gives you the outlet that you need, then keep writing! If people don't like what you write then they should not read! And maybe thru your writing you will help just one person seek the help that they need. You are a truly amazing person. There is nothing for any of us to say that will make any of this better so we will read and send our prayers and thoughts to your via the web. Hugs and love xx
I just want to give you hugs Lori. Your making what could be an impossible situation possible. What you have gone through and are going through makes my heart ache. I can barely comprehend what you would be feeling. There is no judgement here, friends and people who love you and want to take care of you if we can. Write as much as you need too okay??
You are so right, Lori!
This is your space…to share, to vent, to heal.
Say what you want, say anything, say it all if you need to.
If it helps, it is good.
Love to you, Lori. xx
Write babe. Just write xxxx
If it helps you heal even just a little bit. Do it and you know what? You do it so well even when you're in pain. This is your space, if people don't agree with what is written then perhaps they should look away and stop reading. Stay strong Lori, if you get through you can get through anything and everything life throws at you. Much love from Perth xxx
I find writing cathartic. I don't do talking about myself and I I'm articulate, but fucked if I can talk about my anxiety, or panic attacks. But I can write them.
Writing is an outlet when other outlets hurt too much. No one can see you cry over your keyboard and judge, they can't see you struggling not to scream.
This place, your place, it's changed. And it's okay that it's changed, because you did too and blogs are evolving. I would wish that you didn't have an Event to change things so drastically, but that's because I don't want to see you hurting, not because your writing and your Event make me uncomfortable.
Love. Strength. You know where I am. xx
Sweetie you post as much as you want as for some posting on blogs help while for others it doesn't you do what feels right for you.
Your friends will be here for you always.
(((( Hugs )))) XXXX Kisses XXXX
Your first obligation is to yourself, Lori. Your second is to your kids. No-one else gets a look in right now, in my opinion. If people are going to be an obstacle to your healing, you might need to side-step them for a while.
Shame and fear flourish best when they're hidden. More power to you for not allowing shame to dictate the way you and the kids remember your husband and daddy. More power to you for getting your fears out there and talking about them.
There's a beautiful poem by Marjorie Pizer, it's called
"Strength"
Inside,
I am making myself strong.
I am weaving bands of steel
To bind my soul.
I am knitting stitches of suffering
Into my hands
To make them strong.
I am strengthening my mind
With the warp and weft
Of weariness and endurance.
I am binding my faith
With the bonds of psalms and songs
Of all who have suffered.
In time,
I will be tempered like fine steel
To bend, but not to break.
That's you, chick. Steel.
write all day every day. You are incredible. From a "real life" friend. xo
Your writing, your God awful story, your situation, your pain, all of it, it's all speaking to someone else. Someone who may be reading your blog right now may be considering suicide. May feel there is no way out. But through your blog, and your pain, and your story and your writing, you may save someone. You may save another family from enduring the heartache you're feeling now.
So write. Write as much or as little as you want. You just might save someone in the process. xxx