All The Reasons Why.

by Lori Dwyer on October 3, 2013 · 16 comments

It comes up a lot here, the question of why I moved to Melbourne, instead of The Most Amazing Man moving to TinyTrainTown.

It’s a loophole in my argument, a volley to be thrown. It’s not something I’ve really addressed. So- for the point of having a complete story here, without chunks of information missing- I might as well blog how and why that decision was made. And address, I guess, that startlingly misogynistic notion that the man in this relationship should have moved to me, instead of the other way round.

First off, it wasn’t like The Most Amazing Man didn’t offer to move to Sydney. Because he did, many times, and knowing him the way I do now, I’ve no doubt he would have happily settled into the existing rhythm of life with the kidlets and I. But nothing’s ever that simple, really, is it? There’s always more to it than that.

My work is flexible– I’m tempered only by my laptop and an Internet connection. The Most Amazing Man’s job is more stationary. The biggest practical concern when you’re permanently changing locations is work, is it not? And it was easier to uproot mine than it was to shuffle his.

If you’re going to do family life in a city, you have to choose one that’s livable. Melbourne, undoubtedly, is. It’s considered one of the most liveable cities in the world. Sydney, by comparison, is expensive and crowded and choked with traffic.

I dearly love Melbourne (everything except the weather, anyway. But that’s another post for another day). It’s colourful and diverse and friendly and accepting. Why would we both move somewhere we don’t particularly like, when we could both live somewhere we love?

With all that established, there was the kidlets to think about. And I did very little but think about it, for weeks and months on end. It’s not a decision you make easily. And sometimes it bothers me, even having made the decision and being happy with it. It niggles at me that children- everyone’s children, to a point, are at the whim of their parents decisions. They get swept along in the tumultuousness of grown-up’s lives. You do your best to consider their needs, their wants, what’s best for them. You listen to them. But ultimately, it’s the parents who get to decide what’s best for their children. It’s not fair, and I remember it smiting when I was a child, the feeling of impotence that comes with being so young and having no control.

But that’s the way it is, with life, and being a kid. And sometimes parents see things their children couldn’t possibly take in.

Like being surrounded by the whisper of a death, and needing a new life. A fresh start. A clean break.

I didn’t want my children to grow up in the shadow of what happened. If I can, to a certain extent, break them away from what happened so that life is sunny, instead of defaulted to grey and gloomy, I will.

And I did.

So, to the people who have asked “If he’s so amazing, why didn’t he move to you?”, the simple answer is- he would have.

But it seemed much healthier, for everyone involved, for us to move here instead.


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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }

flask October 14, 2013 at 3:15 am

people actually write in and demand to know your reasons for doing things in your life?


see, i read your blog. the fact that you write a blog gives me license to read what you write. it does not give me license to make demands on you to justify your personal life to me or to anyone else.

you want to live in melbourne? fine.

last time i heard, moving to melbourne was a thing perfectly reasonable people do for a variety of reasons, none of which are mine to evaluate.

that said, i am glad you are happy with your decision.


Emma Joyce October 5, 2013 at 11:36 am

Its fantastic that you moved for all these valid reasons Lori , the best for you , your kids and YOUR amazing man ! Looking forward to hearing more about your wonderful new life . Em and Helen are so happy for you x


Cynthia October 4, 2013 at 4:19 pm

Thanks for posting about it. It makes me want to hear more about the After. Only now its a good “after” not a bad one. Life is amazing, amiright?

Live it!


jojowilks October 4, 2013 at 11:44 am

I just assumed you would move there anyway- new man or not-you loved and gushed about the place everytime you went.
It seemed the obvious, unspoken next adventure. And now you have someone to do it with. :-)


Carol October 4, 2013 at 11:17 am

Hey, what’s wrong with Melbourne weather?? ;) It’s a gorgeous day outside…. today. After a week of wind, rain, hail, falling trees, crashing thunder and sparkling lightening, with the blossom blowing in mahossive flurries looking like snow on the wind (gale force lol). So, get the kidlets outside and enjoy this beautiful, bright, sunny and clean day… who knows what tomorrow will bring :D
Change is as good as a holiday, so they say. xx


Renee October 4, 2013 at 11:09 am

Excuse the language but.. It really fucking pisses me off that you have to justify yourself and your decisions to anybody else! This blog post should read simply.. “It’s my life, not yours..”


Marianne October 4, 2013 at 2:19 am

Seriously, you owe no one an explanation. I’m frankly surprised that you didn’t move somewhere for a clean break way before now. I sincerly hope that you enjoy the clean slate for you and the kiddos and ignore the nay-sayers. There are those that just have to criticize.
Marianne recently posted…Purple People: EatersMy Profile


Carly Findlay October 3, 2013 at 10:12 pm

I love that job moved to Melbourne – hope to see you and the amazing man soon :)

I also have a request – that has been discussed here before. Can you please consider ceasing using small text for certain sentences? I come at this from a web accessibility POV – it’s so hard to read. I imagine for the visually impaired, it’s even harder. Maybe use italics or a different colour? Please?
Carly Findlay recently posted…Julia Gillard in conversation with Anne Summers: “You have a decision to make: you could have a crap rest of your life”, [or you can move on].My Profile


Carly Findlay October 3, 2013 at 10:13 pm
Jen Hale October 3, 2013 at 8:26 pm

No need to justify anything to anyone. There’s always more to a situation than how it appears. As long as you’re happy then that’s all that matters.
Jen Hale recently posted…AuthenticityMy Profile


Nicole October 3, 2013 at 2:19 pm

I myself am going through a divorce and trying to find the balance of what is best for myself and my girls and to be honest sometimes it’s not the same balance. I don’t think you have to justify your actions to anyone. You did what you thought was the best for all of you and I wish you all the best. It takes a gutsy women to make the leap and do what you have done. I am following in your foot steps…so to speak.


Miss Pink October 3, 2013 at 1:51 pm

It was never a question in my mind that you would be the one who would move to him. You adore Melbourne and have said so numerous times. I see that shadow you speak of follow you, I experience it which is completely bizarre. I understand your need to escape it, even if it means distance between those people you love and who love you the most. I am sure all of those people understand it too.
You are not ruining your children or stuffing up their lives by moving, people move all the time, and children? They usually adapt quickly when young. There is no reason Melbourne can’t become their safe place, their familiar.
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Whoa, Molly! October 3, 2013 at 11:52 am

It’s sad that there were people out there who felt like they needed some kind of justification from you as to why you make the choices you make. It’s lame that you had to explain yourself. It’s becoming this weird phenomenon that I’m noticing a lot of people doing these days and I find myself saying it over and over to friends: “You don’t need to explain yourself, it’s okay.”

I think you made a super brave and cool choice. I’ve been feeling Sydney grip around me in that awful way it does and longed for a change. Have you noticed that heaps of folk who live in Sydney hate Sydney? What is it about this town? I’m actually kind of jealous!

But really, if anyone deserved a fresh start, it’s you and your little ones. I hope it stays this awesome for you forever and ever.
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Drea B October 3, 2013 at 10:54 am

It strikes me as odd that people would think that you were ‘forced’ to move to him. Any two people in an grown up relationship would have discussed the pros and cons of both options, the issues of work and schools and family etc.

My husband moved states to me, and then relocated cities on my preference as well. But it wasn’t me being demanding and saying ‘this is how it will go’, it was a long discussion of the ins and outs and ups and downs to make sure we had an outcome we were both happy with. I find it bizarre that anyone would be in a committed relationship that consists of one person making all the demands and the other person changing their whole life around to meet it.

I probably shouldnt’ say this, but I’m glad you moved away from that road. You lost too much to that road, I was dreading reading about more loss down the track.


Sue October 3, 2013 at 10:45 am

Beautifully written…. It takes a brave soul to make such a leap of faith.
I hope Melbourne removes the shadows from all of your lives, despite our weather :)


Michelle Holland October 3, 2013 at 8:13 am

I think it is fine that you declared the reasons for moving here Lori, but I hope you don’t feel the need to justify yourself (if you know what i mean). I imagine it would have been a very difficult decision to move interstate, leaving your Mum, ‘uprooting’ the kids and taking the plunge into a new life. You are a brave woman. It was good to read your thought process and reasons….but at the end of the day it is your decision to make and your life to live. Anyone who wants to be all judgey about it after everything you have been through, can fuck off in my opinion.

I hope you are settling in well to Melbourne town and don’t worry about the kids – they are much more resilient than we are :-)


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