by Lori Dwyer on January 5, 2014 · 22 comments

I just needed a break. I just needed to… stop for a while.

I think I needed to prove to myself that I can still feel things without needing to write them down, without having to air them publicly.

My blog has become so much a part of me… I started to wonder if I existed without it. If I would be different without it.

I’m not different. Still just me. Only lesser, perhaps, for not expressing myself.


I did Christmas, and it was awesome. The kidlets loved it. I woke up Christmas morning at my mum’s house for the first time in fifteen years.

I remind myself that it’s okay to miss people. Especially when the time spent with them is all the sweeter, the more intense and satisfying. I soak up their company and appreciate every second of being around them.

The kidlets are happy to be left behind, happy to be in the care of thier grandmothers for a while. The Most Amazing Man and I pack up the car and head down the Great Ocean Road. We camp for days next to a river, cooking meals on a camp stove and being lulled to sleep by the distant crashing of ocean waves.




New Years Eve, in an attempt to escape gentle murmur of people in the campground, we find ourselves hiking over sand hills to the beach. the two of us lay on a picnic blanket and look at the immenseness of the stars. The sky is huge, the stars pocketed in its engulfing depth. We spot shooting stars, not just one but six between us. Just after midnight someone in the oval nearby lets off foreworks and the bang and fall, blue and red dropping over the dunes.

I miss my kids. I still feel like shit. I’m a bit afraid of everything right now, and I hate that. I feel like i used up the brave I had moving to Melbourne, and i haven’t found any more yet.

But I’m working on it.

And I’m writing again.


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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }

Karen January 12, 2014 at 3:00 am

I love this picture of you! Glad you are writing again and hope you enjoyed your vacation! This bridge and the marsh reminds mea little of thebridge to the beach in Ogunquit ME I walked across my first trip there that was part of why I moved up to ME the following summer.(left 4years later-kinda wish I’d stayed)


andrea g January 11, 2014 at 11:38 pm

Checked in just to see. . . Glad you were able to come back. Don’t feel its mandatory or owed to some one. Take care of you.


edenland January 11, 2014 at 9:04 pm

You look beautiful.

And I relate to a lot of what you’re writing, so thank you for writing it.



Sarah K Reece January 10, 2014 at 12:35 pm

Good to hear from you. I know that weird relationship with the writing, starting to wonder if only the things you write about, only the observed parts of your self and life, are real. Writing reveals, but it also casts a shadow over that which is not said, the stories not told, the moments that do not get recorded but fall into memory or dream.
Sarah K Reece recently posted…Still hereMy Profile


Mouse January 9, 2014 at 4:18 pm

Yay. Youre back. And you’re ok. Well, at least much more so than I took the silence to mean. I was worried.


Karen M January 9, 2014 at 10:50 am

That photo? Just stupendous. Your smile is beautiful. There is hope. Always hope. It seems like 2 steps forward, one step back (or worse) but you will heal in the end. I’m positive. I’ve been reading your blog for a couple of years now and love the person you are. :-)


Cheezel January 8, 2014 at 11:06 pm

Good to see you back, I have been checking in and was getting a little worried. I think you are brave, even if you don’t feel it yourself.


Marie January 8, 2014 at 5:58 pm

Take your time, take care of yourself, but remember this: by writing about your depression you have no idea who might be reading who feels exactly the same, and just might go for help because of you. You’re also helping friends and family to look behind the curtain and understand what depression really looks like. I think that’s more powerful than you realise. Keep up the good work.


Donna January 8, 2014 at 9:46 am

Welcome back Lori, still such a beautiful writer and beautiful soul. I think of you often, and I hope peace weaves its way back into your heart soon x
Donna recently posted…My one word mantra for 2014My Profile


now a mum January 7, 2014 at 10:33 pm

I am so glad you checked in Lori.
Depression is such a struggle. Hang in there and if you get any break at all and if you can, grab hold of it with all of your strength and pull yourself out.


Kristina January 7, 2014 at 10:30 am

I love the way you write. Just wanted to tell you that.


Manda January 7, 2014 at 9:03 am

*hugs* glad you got a break. Am child free at the moment if you are home and want a coffee xxx


Trisha January 6, 2014 at 7:27 pm

Welcome back.

I understand the feeling of running out of brave, and something that helps me sometimes is telling myself: “I’m terrified, and it’s okay but I’m going to do this thing anyway”.

Glad you had a lovely Christmas and a peaceful new year.
Trisha recently posted…A new year’s wish for 2014My Profile


Carly Findlay January 6, 2014 at 6:44 pm

Welcome back! I’ve been worried about you – hope to see you in person soon.
And what a gorgeous photo of you – you look radiant.
Carly Findlay recently posted…New Year’s Eve/Studio 10 appearanceMy Profile


Vanessa January 6, 2014 at 1:28 pm

It sounds like the brave needs a recharge. The camping sounded like a good way to do it.
Vanessa recently posted…Strip TacoMy Profile


Whoa, Molly! January 6, 2014 at 1:12 pm

Good to see you back!


thepixiechick January 6, 2014 at 12:24 pm

Good to see such a beautiful smile on your face. Glad you had a great Christmas. It was incredibly brave of you to move to Melbourne, so if you have used up all your bravery for a while that’s ok. It will grow back. Also if you feel a little bit broken sometimes, maybe it’s OK to let yourself feel that way. Your strength will grow back too. You have sailed the ship for so long alone through such treacherous waters, maybe you needed to get to safe harbour so you could let yourself fall apart. You will come back together again, new, fresh, beautiful and stronger than ever.
Sending all the love xoxoxo Pix


Cathy January 6, 2014 at 11:41 am

What a lovely way to start the new year. Sending you lots of brave until you find yours again. And its ok if you don’t find it all just enough.

C xx


Rhianna January 6, 2014 at 11:11 am

What a wonderful way to bring in the new year. Sending you some fairy wishes and butterfly kisses lovely. I hope you find your brave again really soon, it is still there deep with in xx
Rhianna recently posted…Those rascally gremlins!!!My Profile


Gill January 6, 2014 at 11:08 am

You’re back! I’ve missed reading you.
You look so beautiful and happy in the photo you posted. I hope you feel that on the inside again soon too :)


Marianne January 6, 2014 at 4:48 am

Welcome back! I missed you!
Marianne recently posted…Letter to my future…My Profile


Drea B January 5, 2014 at 11:19 pm

Welcome back :)


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