by Lori Dwyer on September 4, 2011 · 34 comments

My heart breaks and weeps for my poor, soft, sweet baby boy. Far too aware of what he has lost. His grief far too big for his tiny body.

I asked him today, after he slept, did he have a good sleep, dream nice dreams. Yes, he replies. He dreamt about Daddy.

I know how that is. I have those dreams too, I had one today as well. Dreams where Tony is not even there but here, alive in our present. Just today I argued with him, in my sleep, over months of unpaid child support, as if it were a divorce and not a death. (Was I thinking, as I drifted off, why didn’t he just leave, why couldn’t he just have walked away and not broken all our hearts like this….? He couldn’t, I know, didn’t want to walk away anymore than he really wanted to die.)

It’s all relative, is it not? Almost two years ago, on the eve of his sister’s birth, I remember telling my mother that I didn’t want to move my Chop out his bedroom, and to one down the hall.I didn’t want to disrupt him like that, when he loved his bedroom so much.

The irony. Not wanting to change my child’s room. And less than 18 months later his whole life was destroyed.

His life, as much as mine. He lost his friends, his playgroup, daycare and swimming lessons, all the security and stability and routine that had been so carefully built up for him over his three years.

That stings. Not nearly as much as knowing he lost his father, but it hurts. I built up such a strong, happy little world for my little boy.

When it was under my control, he was so secure… I wouldn’t have changed the tiniest aspect on his life, if I had any say in it.

If hearts can break in the afterlife…. I’m guessing this is breaking Tony’s heart too.


I stood in my sunny, small kitchen, after I woke from that dream today. My children are still sleeping.

And I sobbed.

Please, please, please come back. You were just here, I could smell you and see the ink etched into your skin, taste the salt of your shoulder under my lips….

Please, please… come back. Make it stop hurting.


Today is Father’s Day in Australia. I’m trying very hard to pretend it’s not happening.

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{ 34 comments… read them below or add one }

Shellye September 7, 2011 at 9:03 pm

Prayers are going up for you today.


Christie September 7, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Such a hard day for you. You got through it, that's what you do. Lots of love to you and your littlies, Lori xx


Steph(anie) September 7, 2011 at 1:29 am

Oh, Lori. I wish I could take some of the pain off of you.


bluespinach September 6, 2011 at 8:59 pm

reading your blog.. it took me back to a place that wasn't so different to yours. You will get through this and come out the other side… oh and meet someone else. Any man that walks out on his young family is a total creep and you are well rid of him.. onwards and upwards girlfriend xxx


Melissa September 6, 2011 at 8:00 pm

Hi Lori, hope today's a better day. Lots of love.


Sanity Or Bust September 6, 2011 at 10:58 am

I can't find the words, all I can do is send thoughts and love xx I hope it's enough


Gina September 6, 2011 at 9:55 am

Hi Lori, I followed the link from today's Herald newspaper story. I'm really sorry to read all that you are going through. I hope that the new move to the house you describe so warmly gives you and the kids a fresh start and happiness.


Barry September 6, 2011 at 9:16 am

You're cute. Write something about a new dress you bought – or shoes – or bag – or book for your kids.


Kimberley September 6, 2011 at 12:03 am

I have read often & commented never. This post inspires me to comment. I have nothing profound to type though. I just feel sad, actually I feel despair for all that is missing in your lives now.


Anonymous September 5, 2011 at 7:30 pm

Father's Day will always be hard for your kids (and you), I know what it is like to lose your dad at the age of 3 and i know what it is like to worry about your Mum from such a young age. Celebrate the memories you had as a family and continue to have as a family. Stay strong


A Daft Scots Lass September 5, 2011 at 6:41 pm

*tight hugglez*


Bambi Kay September 5, 2011 at 5:38 pm

I want to write so much, because there's so much going through my head as I go through your blog, but when I try to put them down in words, I find that there are no words to say. But I'll try.
I just want you to know you are an incredibly strong woman, and your beautiful kids are so blessed to have you as their mum.
God bless you. Keep holding on. My love and thoughts and prayers are with you, and little ones.


Donna September 5, 2011 at 3:22 pm

I thought of you so often yesterday, knowing it might be the toughest of days yet. All I can offer is my heartfelt sorrow that this has happened. Its not enough, I know. I know if it were me I'd be feeling just as you are x


Hear Mum Roar September 5, 2011 at 12:26 pm

I don't know what you believe in, but I personally believe that sometimes our loved ones who've passed do visit us in our dreams. I'm sure wherever he is, he's thinking of all of you too.

Which, I know, isn't enough. He should've been there with you for fathers' day. It's not fair, and again, all I've got for you is a pathetic little 'I'm so sorry'.


Miss Pink September 5, 2011 at 11:28 am

You have so much love around you. It sucks so hard knowing you have this, giving it to you, and knowing that still it's no the love you want, the love from that one person.
Huge gentle hugs to you friend.


Jane September 5, 2011 at 6:39 am

I was thinking of you all day yesterday, Lori. Huge hugs xxx


Library girl September 5, 2011 at 6:26 am

I ache for your suffering. Today was a first and they're always hard. Take small comfort from the fact that even strangers care for your loss.


Karen September 5, 2011 at 6:13 am

Leaving some love…. xoxo


Kelloggsville September 5, 2011 at 5:37 am

The dad shaped hole that burns at the raw edges on Fathers day. Stinky. Next year plan to do something, something different, something undad related but something, find a tradition of ya'll own to mark an important day of your own. Ignoring is easier with sticking plaster *hugs*


Good Golly Miss Holly! September 5, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Thought of you and the babies alot yesterday ♥


edenland September 5, 2011 at 1:06 am

I hate fathers day – and look, it's 1.09am. It's over!

Love you hon XXOO


Emma. September 5, 2011 at 12:37 am

Much love and hugs for you three.




Michael September 5, 2011 at 12:03 am

So sorry to hear of your aching today.

I bid you peace.


Suz @ Segovia and The I Love You Song September 4, 2011 at 11:33 pm

much love from afar Lori xx


Chantel September 4, 2011 at 11:01 pm

Thinking of you all today xx


Ms Styling You September 4, 2011 at 10:56 pm

I just have a virtual hug for you. Each of these "firsts" will hurt like hell. Just know we're here x


Tonya September 4, 2011 at 10:45 pm

<3 All I can offer is ((HUGS!!))


Dorothy September 4, 2011 at 10:30 pm

Today was hard for me, but I kept thinking how much harder it must be for you and your boy…..

I'm sorry you are having to go through this, Lori….


My Mummy Daze September 4, 2011 at 10:22 pm

I have no words for you, but I'm bawling reading your words xxx


Melissa September 4, 2011 at 10:21 pm

I've been thinking of you and your babies, especially Chop today. Wondering how you were faring.

My love to you all.


Georgia September 4, 2011 at 10:20 pm

My thoughts have been with you and your babes today.


Brenda September 4, 2011 at 10:19 pm

Love and so much


Glowless @ Where’s My Glow September 4, 2011 at 10:15 pm

Thought of you, Chop & Bump often today, Lori xxx


Crystal September 4, 2011 at 11:17 pm

Oh, Lori…

I'm sending over one hug for you and one for your Chop. I hope you guys got through the day okay.



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