Epic Quit Smoking Fail. Or why Lori sucks.

by Lori Dwyer on October 20, 2010 · 31 comments

Weeeeell. As promised, I quit smoking on Saturday 16th October, 2010. Welcome to the aftermath. Enter at your own risk. I hold no liability for any harm, blah, blah, blah.

Stab stab stab,

Day One. No nicotine. Dun dun dunnnnnnn.

7am- Wake up. First thought is of a ciggerette. Which is freaking ridiculous, because usually my first thought is something like “Ugh? Children? Fark”. Must wrangle small child to swimming lessons. Avoiding cups of tea or coffee.

10am- Return from swimming lessons. Shaking. Would kill for a cigarette. Just had one of the worst phone calls of my entire life. My mum was in tears. I want a cigarette. Stupid.
Managed to lose my parking card at swimming and had to get one of the swim chicks to beep us out, after spending fifteen minutes tearing car apart and reminding myself this is not worth crying over.

1pm- Children sleeping. Have I mentioned I want a freaking cigarette…? Maybe, once or twice. Remember, when we first discussed this, and I was all pumped and ready to read the book and use the little mp4 player and get all zen like Lucy? Do you think I’ve done any of that? No, of course not. I have not read the book, I have not listened to the hypno-thingy. Why? Because I am an idiot. Read the freaking book, Lori.

 1:30pm- Whilst unstacking dishwasher, I come across a dirty chopping board that the man has stacked in with the clean dishes. Judging by the crumbs, he’s evidently used it to make toast on. What a f*cking moron. How many f*cking time have I TOLD HIM NOT TO F*CKING DO THAT?? HOW F*CKING DIFFICULT IS IT TO CHECK IF THE DISHES ARE CLEAN?? AND WHY THE F*CK NOT JUST USE A PLATE LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE???????

3pm- Children feral. If I hear the word “Mum” one more time today I am going to lose my shit. Praise the Lord for babysitters and the fact that the Man and I are going out, kidlet-free, tonight.

11pm-Return home from night out. No alcohol drunk. No cigarettes smoked. I am ready to punch someone in the head. Walking around tonight I nearly kicked a few people. Move the f*ck out of my way, why are you walking so slowly???

Midnight- Man and I retire to bed. I don’t remember the last time I had trouble sleeping, but tonight I am laying awake. Rubbing my feet on the bed, chewing on my lip. When I finally fall asleep I have Technicolor vivid dreams that I don’t remember when I small children drag me from my slumber. Except for one with the sharks.

1am- Chop awake.

1:30am- Bump awake.

2am- Bump awake.

4am- Both kidlets awake.

5am- I’m awake. Vomit. Fall back into bed and dream about bright pink sharks swiming in a fish tank while people watch them and eat sushi. (Bizarreo, yes? Yes. And no, despite the fact that I vomited between the hours of 4am and midday; and I’m dreaming about technicolor sharks and sushi, I’m not pregnant. Thanks for asking. I’m fairly sure it was the effects of chronic nicotine withdrawal.)

6:30am- Kidlets up and bouncing off walls, awake for the day. Dear Lord I am so tired I want to cry. I hate the world. I want my mummy. Drag self downstairs, set up breakfast for kidlets, resist urge to sneak out for cigarette by slamming the lock closed on the back door, fall into coma on the lounge.

7am- Woken by the Chop. “Mum? Mum? Mum? TV’s broken.” Ugh. Children. Fark. What? On closer inspection, small child is correct. The TV is broken. The TV is broken. Oh my f*cking God, the TV is broken.

7:10am- TV still broken. Make coffee. Pinch the Man’s fags. Light, inhale, cough, choke, splutter, be dizzy, feel sick. And repeat. Oh holy mother of Lord I am having a cigarette praise the heavens I do not give a damn the TV is broken I am so tired I could drop my stepdad has cancer and I am having a dang cigarette. And it’s quite possibly the best one I’ve ever had. So ner.

*Ahem* *cough* *crickets chirping*.

Well. There you go. Epic quit smoking fail. I suck hard core. You’re all very disappointed in me, I should be very ashamed and embarrassed (and I am) and I am quite probably going to hell with all the other dirty smokers, the puppy killers and people who vote for Sarah Palin. That’s fine. Sarah, the dead puppies and I will all be fagging on and smelling like ashtrays and at least we will be warm.

Now, in the words of Cate, who I am directly ripping and I don’t give a damn because at least I’m linking back to her-

F*ck off. This is the end of the post.

* Oh my. Upon reading this back and bleeping all the swear words, I realise I do sound quite aggressive. Please be assured that now that I have inhaled a positively disgusting amount of nicotine and carcinogens, I feel much better. And please don’t f*ck off. I’ve grown quite attached to you lot.

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{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }

Zoey @ Good Goog October 22, 2010 at 9:08 pm

I'm going to go against the trend here and say that I think that nicotine substitutes are (in my opinion) a waste of time. Yes, quitting cold turkey is mind-numbingly hard. But the research would indicate that NRT is highly unsuccessful beyond the 6 month mark and I personally found that having my drug of addiction pumped into my system made me more likely to go for a cigarette not less. Not to mention that to get the vast majority of nicotine out of your system all it takes is 3 days when you go cold turkey as opposed to months on NRT.

And while it might take you 2,3, 10 or 50 quit attempts if you want to get there you can. A failed quit attempt is such a big part of the overall process. I had to relapse that many times to finally get so bloody sick of it that the next time I was about to fold I decided not to.

Hope some of that makes sense!


Maxabella October 22, 2010 at 8:20 am

PS – that bloody arse-paddling man has to give up with you. MUST. x


Maxabella October 22, 2010 at 8:19 am

You need a substitute, Lori love. Get some of that gum. Carry it with you everywhere. When you really, really, really can't stand it, chew the gum and get the hell out of Dodge. x


Amy October 21, 2010 at 6:45 pm

Have to admire you for your effort! I've never smoked, because I know if I did I'd never have the guts to stop. YOU CAN DO THIS, and at least when you screw up, you write something funny about it so we can all enjoy your failures.

(Too soon?)


lori October 21, 2010 at 4:06 pm

Aww bugger. It sounds like my weight loss attempts these days. That's ok, you gave it a try, you're gearing up…so try it again when you're ready. And read the effing book.


Kevin October 21, 2010 at 12:13 pm

Lori, You did wonderful, you tried and that is what counts right now. You have this on your mind and it won't stop nagging you until you do quit. I can't tell you how many times I failed at stopping. I tried and tried to quit smoking so many times that I finally said "Screw it. I'm done." I put on a nicotine patch that I bought a year earlier. I was on the patch less than two months, then cold turkey. It's been nearly 8 months now and I have been smoke free. You will do it. It will just take some time. Good luck. ~Super Daddy~


Farmers Wifey October 20, 2010 at 6:33 pm

Well how dare the friggin tv be broken…how dare it. No wonder you are swearing…


Mandy October 20, 2010 at 4:38 pm

I read your blog because it's like a chat with a good friend, you're completely up front and honest and that's why we come back, we take the good with the bad! So be it…. till next time!


MultipleMum October 20, 2010 at 2:50 pm

I think they call that 'crash and burn'.

You can do it Lori.

You just have to want the long-term benefits more than the short-term instant gratification. Few people acheive their goals on the first attempt. You have got this. Just finish the packet and make it your last (and BTW, it would be MUCH easier if hubby did the supportive things and joined you!). Shit happens. You.have.got.this.

(was that at all motivating or just school-marmish?)


Eva Gallant October 21, 2010 at 1:48 am

You will overcome the habit; I know it, because you are strong. Rome wasn't built in a day.


Bronnie and family October 20, 2010 at 2:23 pm

I am not disappointed in you. I am proud of it. Shit happened and you gave it a really good try.
You know, sometimes we are too hard on ourselves. Show yourself the same kindness you would show your mates. (Unless that involves kicking someone up the arse. Cos you would really need a ciggie if you had to kick yourself up the arse.)
Enjoy, inhale, do it mindfully, and when you are ready try again. And if not? Honestly, it's not the end of the world. We all have vices. Mine is ice-cream and I'm sure it's just as bad for me as nicotine.


Katie October 20, 2010 at 1:15 pm

When the time is right, you will do it! Don't be so hard on yourself Lori. We still believe you can do it.


kim at allconsuming October 20, 2010 at 1:07 pm

Is it bad that I'm laughing? It is isn't it. Bad. Bad for laughing. *snort*

Today is a new day dude. A brand fucking new day.


Jacki October 20, 2010 at 1:05 pm

Just like Holly said, give yourself a break. No one can be expected to give up their vice (cigs, food, cocktails…) when stuff goes wrong.


In Real Life October 20, 2010 at 1:05 pm

You'll quit when you're ready. That is what my aunt told me when I used to smoke; it was the most simple, but amazing and powerful advice that I had ever been given. It was absolutely true, and applies to most circumstances in life…so that is why I am passing it on to you! (Oh yes and while I'm all preachy here…you do not suck – careful with the negative self-talk!)


Sarah October 20, 2010 at 1:03 pm

At least you tried. I know this sounds cliched, but maybe this wasn't the right time to try? I don't know. But I'm not going anywhere xxxx


Ebonie’s Mummy October 20, 2010 at 12:04 pm

Haha least you kept your sense of humour!
Enjoy your fag ; )
Theres always next time if you decide to try again. I quitted when I got pregnant but still find the smell of others peoples somewhat comforting in the weirdest way possible. Like a memory or something.


Mich October 20, 2010 at 11:25 am

oh Lori, it may have been an epic fail, but you DID try right? I think with each quitting attempt it may become easier. what about just allowing yourself x amount of ciggies a day?


Kel October 20, 2010 at 11:15 am

So the moral of the story is quitting smoking sucks arse, yes?
I should probably read this and have sympathy for the husband who would like to quit and has quit/un-quit many times. I have sympathy for you – but I still have aggressive, rabid guard dog annoyance with the husband. But I'll work on it.
Still have bucket loads of sympathy for you…


Amy xxoo October 20, 2010 at 8:55 am

We all have epic fails from time to time but…. back on the horse and all that other crap. Oh, and as is my usual come back when someone tells me to fuck off – no, you fuck off!
There, now dont we all feel better ;) ?


Wanderlust October 20, 2010 at 8:47 am

Maybe you should try the patch. Isn't that like trying to lose weight by not eating anything at all? Or maybe not, I don't know. Hang in there. Not fucking off. xo


Jason October 20, 2010 at 8:30 am

At least you didn't actually kill someone. Sometimes you have to give yourself the small rewards. I quit a year ago and most days not killing someone was my best accomplishment. Most days…


Lucy October 20, 2010 at 8:25 am

Read the book Lori. Just read the damn book.

Hugs babe. I truly do emathise. I am not gonna fuck off.



x0xJ October 20, 2010 at 8:13 am

To be fair you had a pretty big bombshell and some serious fucking shit dropped on you in that time. Just start fresh from right now!


Mrs Woog October 20, 2010 at 7:35 am

I am so jealous of your right now…..


Gemma October 20, 2010 at 12:59 pm

i woulda have knocked someone out


Gemma October 20, 2010 at 12:59 pm

You Did well to last that long…. hahaha :D


Good Golly Miss Holly! October 20, 2010 at 12:55 pm

Dude, baby steps. Go back, reassess and try again when you feel confident – There's no timeframe on quitting smoking. It's the same shit I'm dealing with, with my weight loss (or lack thereof). We will get there … eventually! Love x


Voluptacon October 20, 2010 at 11:39 am

Make that *best* of luck.


Voluptacon October 20, 2010 at 11:38 am

Yay for you for going so long without a ciggie!
I never even dreamed of quitting smoking when I was a nicotine fiend. Then pregnancy happened, and the combination of morning sickness and guilt was what stopped me.
I would hate to be giving up smoking without morning sickness and guilt, I'd send you a bottle of it if I could.
P.S: I miss smoking. I was terribly in love with smoking. It's really hard to give up. Bets of luck with future tries.


Toni October 20, 2010 at 10:27 am

Well, tomorrow is another day, fiddle-dee-dee and all that.
You can always quit again. If you want.


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