February 2010

Weddings Are Best When…

by Lori Dwyer on February 28, 2010 · 3 comments

An alcoholic howdy do to you all,

First off, I must confess, I am bloody hungover. As my constant readers will know, I don’t drink. But I went to a wedding last night. Two Tia Maria and cokes, one cowboy shot and two vodka and lemon squashes absolutely shattered me. I would have had another shot but the bar policy was no shots after 10pm (C’mon, barkeep, I just left my husband and kids in the hotel room and it’s only quarter past…). Never, ever again.

But I had an awesome time. All in all, a very relaxed, cheerful, good time affair (as most bogan weddings are).

So here’s my list. Because.. well… I like lists.

Wedding Are Best When…

* Things are colorful. Bridesmaids in a rainbow of colours and table decos to match make for bright and cheerful all round, no matter the venue.

*The ceremony is short, sweet and simple. Especially if you’re all standing, in the great, sun-burny, mozzie infested Aussie outdoors or, heaven forbid, in a church. Catholics need not apply.

*The speeches are short, sweet and tasteful. Without mentions of toilets seats, ex partners, or family feuds. Tears are appropriate, but only for the bride, and only so much as she does not run her mascara. Beware of drunken idiots grabbing the mike.

*The DJ suffers Repressed Clown Syndrome. And is prepared to don a green wig and do the Funky Chicken with all the guests under the age of 13, over the age of 65, or anyone between those ages with a bellyful of grog.

*People dance. Not just the oldies, and not just the littlies, and not just the chicks wearing mini skirts dancing a circle. Weddings and primary school discos are the only times you can get groovy to the Macarena, Hey Mickey and the Grease MegaMedley.

*People drink. Including the oldies.Not enough to get messy, vomit or get their staunch on, but enough to talk to people they normally wouldn’t, laugh at stupid things, and take their shoes off by 11pm. If you’re really lucky, someone will react the aforementioned Grease MegaMedley, complete with ‘Travolta does childbirth’ face.

No One Likes….

*Bubble skirts on bridesmaids. ‘Nuff said.

*Stupid people calling out stupid things during equally stupid speeches. Shut up, groom’s brother. I don’t care how many drinks you’ve scabbed from the bar by pretending they were for the bridal party- you shush now. I can’t hear the brides pissed uncle reading the list of ‘Rules For Marriage’ he printed off a forwarded email after removing most of the vulgarities.

*Brides with ciggies. *Ahem* *Cough (in that icky smokers way)*. Yep, that me in the piccie. I’m a classy broad.

*The Bowlo courtesy bus as the getaway car. And the farewell is the bride pulling open the door to the smoker’s balcony and screeching “Honey, fucking hurry up. The last courtesy bus is about the leave”. (Yep, unfortunately, I’m quite serious about that one).


FlogYaBlog Friday and Project Monday.

by Lori Dwyer on February 26, 2010 · 11 comments

Heedle deedle people,

Well, a big thanks to the muchly amusing Mummy Time for bringing us FlogYoBlog Friday. Yeeeehaaaa. Flog my blog, baby. I’m always up for a bit of shameless self promotion. Here’s her groovy little button thingy….


ETA- Dammit! OK, i thought I’d be clever and include the button in the text. Not. Check out the sidebar for the button.

ETAA- Dammit, dammit. Button still not working. I’ll get back to you on this one.

ETAAA- Let’s try one more time… Yay! Success (At least i hope so, i am not coming back to edit this bloody thing again).
Do make sure you click on it and have a look at the other bloggers. And I guess you could check out Mummy Time while you are there. Do, she’s pretty spunky.

Now, I did commit earlier this week to follow Yankee Lori’s Project Monday. I have dutifully been recording all the worries that keep me awake at night, from “I must quit smoking” to “How do I get the Bump out of her hammock and into a cot?” to “How would I transport both my children in the wake of a nuclear disaster?” and back to “I really must quit smoking”.

However, because Yankee Lori is obviously in Yankee Land, her Friday is not till tomorrow, so I actually committed to Project Monday on a Tuesday. Which means she won’t actually post her Project Monday results until Saturday, which is Yankee Friday. And I don’t want to steal her thunder.

Added to that conundrum, I’m going away to a big bogan wedding this weekend. Therefore, the results of Project Monday, which I committed to on a Tuesday, and Yankee Lori will be publishing on Saturday (Friday), will hereby be published either on the Sunday (Monday) or the Monday (Yankee Sunday). You follow? Exxxxcellent, I knew you’d keep up.


What’s In Your Bag?

by Lori Dwyer on February 25, 2010 · 8 comments

Hi all,

Inspired by Sarah over at Just Me, today’s game is called “What’s In Your bag?”. Plenty self explanatory, really. It’s an opportunity to show the blogosphere how incredible organised you are (Sarah) or how disgustingly chaotic your life actually is (me).

Let’s start at the beginning- a very good place to start.

This is my bag. A BratPack. I love it. I don’t love that I left it sitting under a window for six weeks before Bump was born, and the silk has faded irreparably. Dammit.

This is the contents of my bag. And the Chop is there too, he spotted food. I swear I didn’t realise how much crap was in there till I took it all out.

We have, in no particular order…

* Purse, sunnies, phone, cigarettes *ahem*, keys.
*Lip gloss, lip balm, quartz crystal in it’s little bag, Swiss army knife in pouch.
*Sunhats and beanies for both kids (you just never know what the weather will be like).
*Three pairs of socks for Bump, plus a jumpsuit, and a pair of pants a size too small. Spare shirt for the Chop.
*Spare muslin, purple spew rag.
*Nappies, wipes, talc, plastic container with bags and a change mat.
*Change mat that came with the bag. Note the colour difference.
*Snap lock bag with Sudocream (on closer inspection, it’s actually empty)., sunscreen, antibac hand gel.
*2 different deodorants, hand cream, Panadol, 2010 diary that I haven’t opened yet (comforting to know it’s there, though).
*Drink and snacks for the Chop.
*Blue mini bag with dummies. Dummy chain. Bottle of bubbles (what the?).
*Toys- 1 Thomas, 5 cars, 2 books, a small teddy bear.

I think that about covers it. Wow- and I thought Sarah had a Mary Poppins style carpet bag!!

As an added bonus, here are the things that shouldn’t have actually been in the bag, and have now been removed. The bottle of bubbles probably belongs here as well, but I decided that one was a keeper.

*Various bits of rubbish.
*A battery (disturbingly, this was in the pocket with the toys).
*The Bump’s pretty headband thingie.
* My USB drive (so that’s where that went).

And we’re done. Who else wants to play??