by Lori Dwyer on January 16, 2011 · 125 comments

It’s changed again. From surreal to very, very real.

Everyone else gets to go onto, go back to their lives.

I don’t have a life to go back to.

The trauma of what happened is so fresh, so raw, so horrific. It repeats and replays, over and over. Blue shirt. Orange rope.

Is this too much, too personal? I don’t care. My grief is raw, and real, and I am so fucking angry.

Angry with life. Angry that this is so fucked. Angry that it hurts so much. Angry that some people can be so fucking insensitve. Can make so many empty promises, to help, and thenwhen I ask they are not there.

Or maybe I’m just pissed off because it’s over. really over. Those curtains closed, at the funeral, and that fucking perfect, sunshine-y good fun life was gone.

And life is never going to be the same again.

And that hurts so much I can hardly breathe.

The trauma.. I jump, I panic. I’m terrified. The difference is, now, I’m not afraid of myself anymore. I’m afraid of the world around me.

Being with my children, in my house, it’s too much. I am there, every day, but I can see the little things I’m missing. I see them turn to their grandmother before me. And it’s fucked and it hurts so much. That it hurts to be with them. That it kills me to be away. That I’m not only mourning my husband, but the relationship we had with our children.

Even that relationship will be different. Just as strong, just as deep- deeper, because I can no longer pull away, and let Tony deal with the hard stuff. I’ll come back to them, I know I will. As the noise at my house quiets down, as the trauma slowly- ever so fucking slowly- subsides. When I don’t wake up every morning in a panic. When I can sleep without fooling myself, hurting myself, cutting at the pain.

You know that moment before you sleep, when you try and find a happy place? My head fools me then, and I reel from the comfort of thinking he’s still alive, to the horrible, horrible fucking reality.

And the mornings? Their even worse. Blue shirt. Orange rope. Reliving the last few seconds over, and over.

And for a few seconds, until reality kicks in, everything turned out fine.

This is fucked. i have run and run and run for 10 days now. Put one foot in front of the fucking other instead of falling down in a heap. And I am fucking sick of it. This is it. The full reality- what’s happened, what’s ahead- this is fucking it.

I’m not afraid. If I can kiss my husband’s body goodbye, speak at his funeral and speak the truth, and tell others that they must speak, that no one is so tough and strong that they don’t need anyone else. If I can do that, I can do fucking anything.

I’m not so much afraid. I’m just sick of putting one foot in front of the other. My kids will be OK with just a little bit of mum, for a few more days. I’ve come through the valley. and now I’m fucking exhausted. And all I am going to do is roll into a ball and cry and mourn how stupidly fucked this is. Mourn my sunshiney, purple, happy, perfect fucking family life. My perfect man. My perfect marriage. the fact that I’m not married any longer. The fact that I couldn’t see how much pain Tony was in, all the fucking time, until it was way too late.

Fuck. Crumpling. I’ll see you all in a few days, when I find the strength- I know it’s there- to get back up again.


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{ 125 comments… read them below or add one }

Cate January 18, 2011 at 11:56 am

Sending you love and hugs Lori xxx


Becci January 18, 2011 at 10:42 am

I'm new to your blog and I'm so extremely sorry for your loss and your pain.
I know your pain, I lost my father when I was 21, just as suddenly and exactly the same way nearly 15 years ago, with no warning or signs of what pain he was in. He was sick and way too proud to talk about how he was feeling. The hardest part was there was no goodbye, he was just gone.
Time will help to lessen your pain, it will seem at the moment that it won't but trust me it will. Stay strong, each day is different and most importantly cry when you need to cry. Much love xo


Bindu January 18, 2011 at 10:05 am

I came to know about Tony from Pamela's Magical Meadows. Come to read your posts. My heart is with you. My love to you. I wish I could do something to make you feel better….But, we don't know each other personally…My prayers and love to you Lori. Wish I could hold your hand and give some comfort….


em January 18, 2011 at 9:54 am

really just wanted to leave you BIG LOVE!!!


Anonymous January 18, 2011 at 5:42 am

I was once in a very similar situation and I acted strong. I got up day after day and took care of business, but it was the wrong thing to do. I should have just crumbled and wallowed in my sorrow for a while. You need to check out and grieve for as long as you want to; days, weeks, months or years if you need to. Grieve until you really want to get back up and start living again. Do it now because they won't let you go back and do it later. I never got to stop living long enough to want to get back up and start living again so now I am stuck going through the motions but not really wanting to at all.

I'm sorry this had to happen to you.


Michele January 18, 2011 at 4:00 am

no words, just loving thoughts…


autumnraven January 18, 2011 at 2:21 am

There is nothing I can say. I'm here…holding a little light for you in the darkness.


WittyUsername January 17, 2011 at 11:33 pm

Hi Sweetie,
It's KT. I'm here.
This post ripped my heart out, and left me literally sobbing on the loungeroom floor. The dog sat with me and anxiously licked at my hands. Adrian freaked and ran down stairs to find me the mess in on the floor. He didn't know what to do with me, but read your post off my iPhone, and understood.
I'm here. It's all I can do. I was there to help reorganise the house, to turn it upside down, like the rest of your life. I was there to clean and clean and clean and it may be the only physical thing I do, other than physically being there, but it is what I will do.
I was there. I will be here.
Love always, KT Greco


Yvette Vignando January 17, 2011 at 11:05 pm

The pain, the anger and the loss must be everything at the moment; I can barely imagine how hard it must be to put one foot in front of the other each day. Yet I know you will, because I can read in your words, and in words you have written before – that eventually, in no particular time, and when you are feeling somehow different – all the love and creativity and spark that is part of you – will relight and shine. That sounds somehow like a cliche but I have seen friends come through this awful meaningless, unfair grief, and rebuild their lives and sense of themselves.

I want to tell you that children are incredibly resilient, forgiving and optimistic so try, if you can, to concentrate on you first. Fill yourself up with as much love, strength, quiet time and peace as you can gather, and don't be in a hurry. Nonnas are fabulous amazing people and I am so happy to hear you have a Nonna mum there. It feels a little intrusive saying all this to you when we don't know each other (except perhaps via Twitter) but like so many others in your online community, I want to send you some love and care – and tell you that one day the sun will shine on you again, maybe at a different angle, but it will shine and we'll all be here to celebrate with you. Take your time and put yourself first.. xxoo


bekkles January 17, 2011 at 10:41 pm

I am not much of a swearer, especially on the net, but truly Lori, what you have experienced is fucked. I wish I could take a part of the anguish for you, If everyone who left a comment could just take a piece and process it a little. But we can't. We can just be here, read and care. xxx


Duyvken January 17, 2011 at 10:14 pm

Just leaving some love.


Victoria Masterman January 17, 2011 at 10:04 pm

it is fucked, life will never be the same, there will be a new normal but it won't be the the old normal. Keep talking, venting, screaming, crying, do what ever you need, we are listening, giving you a shoulder to cry on and if you need a wall to throw a plate at we'll give it to you. xxoo


Abby January 17, 2011 at 10:02 pm

I am so sad for you and your family. Nothing I comment will be right, nothing can change anything.. We are here for you and sending you much love and strength. (((HUGS)))


ella January 17, 2011 at 9:20 pm

Sending you love and strength xx


nadinewrites108 January 17, 2011 at 9:00 pm

I'm still here, a faceless comment through cyberspace, but still and always here with arms and heart oustretched to catch your tears, to wear your anger, to hold the pieces of your heart until the sun shines again.


Anonymous January 17, 2011 at 8:56 pm

Often when someone dies you feel like a part of you died too. That the imprint they left on you is gone, and you feel entirely lost and no longer really know who you are. But they are still within you. they really are and you are stronger because of them and you are a better person for having had them in your life. and no one can take that away from you..


Sarah January 17, 2011 at 8:50 pm

Love ya big =)


bigwords is… January 17, 2011 at 8:40 pm

Lori, we're here listening to you. Big love gorgeous x


Anonymous January 17, 2011 at 8:19 pm

So sorry Lori. I too am sending you all the strength I have to get you through this tough tough time. Thinking of you.


biancab January 17, 2011 at 5:37 pm

I use to think I could get over anything, with enough time I could "deal with it". Well I believed that until my father hung himself when I was 20. I remember the week leading up to funeral it was so strange because I felt "ok", there was a plan, things to do, steps to take, my mind was else where there was no time for the "what ifs". But then once the visits stopped, the people left and there was nothing to do I hit the wall at a million miles an hour, this really happened and now its all over with, whats next? WHY WHY WHY? Almost 7 years on I still haven't worked out what to do with his ashes because I'm not ready to let go, I'm not ready for it to be over. I've learn that some things I can't get over, instead some things I need to work through and learn day by day week by week year by year to deal with better, to cope with better each time I hit the wall again.

Sending you all the strength I have.


Nic January 17, 2011 at 5:27 pm

I have just found your blog. There is nothing I can say except my heart breaks for you. You are in my thoughts.


Stinky January 17, 2011 at 4:06 pm

ha, the people around the word AND the world


Stinky January 17, 2011 at 4:05 pm

more love.

Like you say one foot in front of the other, but don't forget to sit and rest. And don't look down. I believe that writing is one of the best things you can do at these headfuck times, whether here or private.
I have no proper words of advice or anything that can take this pain away, I wish I could. Yet I also see the beauty in all these people around the word, some faces familiar, others unknown, holding you right now. You are so loved I can see, and right now it hurts so fucking hard and its so so hard to see outside all of that.
Big love


Anita January 17, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Be gentle with yourself; take time, give yourself space and love.
I can't imagine what you're going through but your words are so raw, so emotion filled, you're giving us an insight.


Kel January 17, 2011 at 1:55 pm

It's true that words can seem hollow at a time like this – but remember that you are surrounded by an amazing group of people that will do everything they can for you. And your children are very lucky to have a Mum as amazing as you are x


The Mummy Hat January 17, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Sending you cyber hugs.
I know nothing I can say can make it better.
I hope you do whatever you need to do to survive


Kimberly January 17, 2011 at 12:47 pm

Get it all out Lori. All of it. Love you


Jenny Chapman January 17, 2011 at 11:23 pm

Hugs to you Lori.


kateab January 17, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Words seem meaningless in this situation. All I can say is I hope you find your strength when you need it the most.


Anonymous January 17, 2011 at 11:53 am

Keep holding on xxx


Anonymous January 17, 2011 at 11:33 am

If anyone needs help:

beyondblue – 1300224636


suburp January 17, 2011 at 11:17 am

reading you, Lori and your pain
you write the truth, Lori, and it's good for all of us. thank you x


Anonymous January 17, 2011 at 11:16 am

While you are down now, you have the strength to keep going on.

God Bless.


Langdowns January 17, 2011 at 9:34 am

Lori, we are listening. Keep letting it out …


bgirl January 17, 2011 at 9:17 am

We're all here for you Lori. We're holding you tight, feeling your pain and tears. And we're crying with you. You are not alone through this. B xoxox


Anonymous January 17, 2011 at 9:08 am

you have so many people who care for you and I am praying for you!! I pray that Jesus Christ will reveal his love for you and comfort you in this horrible nightmare of yours! Know that God will never leave you and that His love is ENOUGH! As he watched his own son die- he KNOWS your pain- a pain that is real and he wants you to reach out to him and rely on His unending love for you. Right now, where you are- I pray that you would ask God to speak to you and that you would listen to Him telling you how wide and how deep his love is for you!!

this is a song written by a man named jeremy camp right after his wife died– I hope you can relate and enjoy it.

many prayers are covering you and your family right now!


Adalita January 17, 2011 at 8:33 am

Hugs Lori. You will get through this. All us blog "friends" will help you through! Just say jump and we will all say how high!


Glen January 17, 2011 at 7:30 am

keep going mate – keep going


Sophie {Red Dust Love} January 17, 2011 at 7:28 am

Lori, you are amazing! So incredibly strong and inspiring. Take your time, breathe, do what you need to do and don't worry as we are here to help you lift back up that tiny little bit. You are one heck of a woman, mother AND wife! I hope you can keep putting one foot in front of the other and breathe through the pain. I just don't know how you can be so incredibly strong. You simply amaze me.


Giving Back Girl January 17, 2011 at 7:16 am

Do what you've got to do Lori. We're here.


our.new.life January 17, 2011 at 7:15 am

Thinking of you and your family Lori. Hugs xx


JallieDaddy January 17, 2011 at 6:59 am

Fucked up it is. But you'll get through it. It'll take time but you will. x


marketingtomilk January 17, 2011 at 6:40 am

OH Lori, i don't know what to say, except that we are still all here for you. When it feels like everyone else is getting on with their normal lives, when you wonder if Tony really meant enough to these people, when you're terrified of the pain, but terrified of never feeling it again – we will be here. Becuase that is what this community does best. Through the hurt and the anger and the terror and the panic, we will be here for you Lori, and you WILL get through it.

“It all happens for a reason. If it’s been put on you, then that means you can carry it” (Tony Gaskins)

I know that will sound fucked up to you at the moment, but i do believe that. You have the strength to carry this.



In Real Life January 17, 2011 at 5:51 am

I wish I had words to comfort you…I'm here, I'm listening, I'm thinking of you…*HUGS*


Katie January 17, 2011 at 4:11 am

Still here. Still praying. Much love to you Lori. xox


M. Drew Emmick January 17, 2011 at 4:00 am

My thoughts and love continue to go out to you.


susie @newdaynewlesson January 17, 2011 at 2:09 am

I sent you a private email through your contact page.

Lots of hugs. There is nothing that anyone can say that will be of help right now except that your pain is felt by others who have never met you.


Draft Queen January 17, 2011 at 2:02 am

Sweetie, this is your space. This is your place to be angry, to be sad and to generally spew out whatever it is that needs to come out. Losing someone so close to you just plain sucks. My blog was my savior those first few months after my best friend died. (Which pales in comparison to losing your spouse.) I highly doubt that any of your readers will hold it against you if you write post after post about this. (And point me at any insensitive assholes that do and I'll take care of them for you.)


Kevin January 17, 2011 at 12:32 am


I just want to let you know that I'm here reading and listening.

So sorry.


Jen January 17, 2011 at 12:08 am

Curl up in a ball and just cry and cry Lori. You have been strong, now you can crumble. Your children need you more than you know, but Grandma can entertain them for now while you grieve. I am so sorry that there are people who are letting you down. If you can then simply say "fuck em!" xoxo


Veronica January 16, 2011 at 11:26 pm

When the funeral is over and that curtain closes. When everyone goes home and it hurts so badly you want to scream. When the shock wears off and reality hits. That is the hard bit.

Love. Strength (borrow some, I'll share). Peace, for a moment even.


Brenda January 16, 2011 at 10:37 pm

You will find the strength. You will.xxxxx


Sharnanigans January 16, 2011 at 10:35 pm

Lori, I have been reading but feel like it is not my place to comment as I haven't commented on your blog before now. I have been overwhelmed by the way the blogging community has supported and loved you and I could not help but get involved and read your words and feel for you.
The blogging community is pretty small really, you get to know the who's who pretty quickly on twitter and what-not, so I just want to say that I am so sorry for your loss and I am here too as part of that community, reading. Blogging is such a powerful and supportive medium for making sense of things that make no sense- continue to use it- continue to reach out, express it, try and make sense of it. I'm a Virtual, stranger from your community and I hate to see a sister in pain. Sharni xx


Lyn January 16, 2011 at 10:35 pm

Sending love from a stranger in Adelaide, Lori.

You may find that the people who step up and who help will be the ones you never expected it from. You'll find that most people don't know what to say, let alone what to do, so they don't. Which hurts like hell.

Expressing the anger that you are feeling is important, so let it all out. There will be days that you don't like the person you think you've become because of how angry you feel – just know and remind yourself that this is just your reaction to everything, not who you are.

When you feel ready you may want to consider seeking out someone professional to talk to. I see a fabulous woman in Adelaide who has helped me through my own (lesser) loss – and I'm sure she has interstate contacts. I hope that a friend, a colleague, or someone you know will reach out and recommend someone to you as they did to me. A saving grace.

My mum has lost two husbands, both when her children were very very young. Somehow you survive. It doesn't seem possible but you do.

Just let yourself go through what you need to now. There is a very beautiful poem by Michael Leunig, below, which I think says it all. I'm just so very very sorry. x

When the heart
Is cut or cracked or broken
Do not clutch it
Let the wound lie open

Let the wind
From the good old sea blow in
To bathe the wound with salt
And let it sting

Let a stray dog lick it
Let a bird lean in the hole and sing
A simple song like a tiny bell
And let it ring


mummabear1970 January 16, 2011 at 10:18 pm

I went to a funeral a few months ago and the Reverend said "Honour your grief". Those words have stuck in my head. It is ok to collapse. It is ok to be so angry. It is ok to write such a raw, brutal and heartfelt post. It is ok because it is your grief. Honour your grief. Live through your grief. Lean heavily on those around you. That's why they are there. And us in the blogging world. To support you however you need it.I would normally say God Bless, but I think I would be pretty angry with God if I was in your shoes. And that's a normal feeling too. Love to you and your babies. xx


Blocks and Knocks January 16, 2011 at 10:11 pm

I have no words. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for you, for your children. I wish you could wake up from this nightmare. This is so unfair for you. For your kids. To be dealing with this. Fall apart and cry for as long as you need. You are going to always be there for your children. They will grow up knowing that, and that you needed this time to grieve. Let Grandma do her job, to be Grandma, spoil your beautiful kids, and give you time out.

Is there anything at all us as bloggers and friends can do for you to help?


x0xJ January 16, 2011 at 9:56 pm

Lori it is wrong that this should be your "normal" that "normal" is now your life missing a big fucking piece.
I do think, if you are ok with it, that you should share your speech on your blog. That not just men, but women can see and feel some of the aftermath of what they might be considering.
But that is totally if you are comfortable with sharing that. Like i said, my best friend knew Tony and was at the funeral and she said your speech brought her to tears. That it was so powerful and moving.
I'm sorry that people are letting you down. It is so easy for people to judge and gossip, it's so easy for people to push you away to the back of their minds, and to avoid the problem because, shit, it's awkward. I mean there is nothing anyone can do or say to take away your pain. To take away their own pain. But it is so wrong for people to be making you feel worse.
If you need anything i am here. As you know, i live locally, and i'm only happy if you want a day out of your house to catch up and let our kids play and be a sholder if you need, or a distraction. Whatever you need, and any way i can help <3


Anonymous January 16, 2011 at 9:48 pm

This is just a nightmare for me to read so you living this pain and torment is just mega fucked. You have a lot of virtual support here and you take it one fucked second at a time…we hope to see you back here soon x


Joni Llanora January 16, 2011 at 9:42 pm

Keep strong Lori.


Erin January 16, 2011 at 9:41 pm

You are allowed to crumple, absolutely. And you will get back up (you know this though). You don't have to be strong. And people who won't be there aren't worth it. You will find a way, you are so strong. There are so many people thinking of you (even those of us who don't know you). You will make it through, somehow.


Nerdycomputergirl January 16, 2011 at 9:37 pm

So so sorry for your pain Lori, do whatever you have to to get you through. Write, don't write, whatever you need to, we will be here for you when you need us. Thinking of you


Kymmie January 16, 2011 at 8:58 pm

I'm speechless, but can see how raw this is for you. It's early days Lori. You have every right to be angry, feel sad, have denial, feel the loss. Can I have your address so I can send you something/s? I know I'm in Melbourne, but I want to let you know that there are people there for you, no matter where they are. xx


Lucy January 16, 2011 at 8:56 pm

Lori,I am sorry that some people can be so fucking insensitve & that people have made empty promises.

Whatever you are feeling, it is the only way you can. Just get through each hour.


Julie W January 16, 2011 at 8:53 pm

Hugs, thoughts & prayers x


Suz January 16, 2011 at 8:51 pm

I don't know what to say. Sending love xx


River January 16, 2011 at 8:43 pm

How sad that Tony couldn't tell you of his pain, so that you could maybe talk about it, maybe help him through.
We'll all be here as long as you need us.


Ebonie’s Mummy January 16, 2011 at 8:39 pm

Don't know what to say other then you're amazing and I think its fantastic that you're writing, its like therapy.
If thats what is helping you (somewhat cope) then keep doing whatever it is you have to.
All my love and hugs


Mammamusing January 16, 2011 at 8:25 pm

Lori I'm so saddened by your loss.

I feel compelled to say please don't apologise for your rawness, your honesty.

It is important to seek out the support of those who care. While your caring for your gorgeous kids please don't neglect yourself and take some time to find the support for yourself.



Watershedd January 16, 2011 at 8:15 pm

The words of others are meaningless when you are suffering such raw and profound pain. Know that the GOFA and I have you in our thoughts. He keeps asking about you since I told him of your loss. It sure is fucked. X


Christie January 16, 2011 at 8:09 pm

I hate that you are suffering like this. HATE IT. Love, hugs, strength xx


Becky January 16, 2011 at 8:09 pm

I just want to echo the sentiments echoed above. I so wish I could say something to ease your pain, but of course I can't. Hugs for you xo


Red Nomad OZ January 16, 2011 at 8:04 pm

So sorry for your pain and agony. Holding you in my thoughts with peace and love.


Lisa (BB) January 16, 2011 at 7:48 pm

Just wanting to send you massive big hugs. I am so sorry for all the pain you're feeling xx


Mumeroo January 16, 2011 at 7:45 pm


Although you don't know me, I cry whenever I think of you, which is often… Your are a strong woman, but sometimes our strength escapes and someone else needs to be strong for us.

Take your time, you will feel strong again. Be gentle with yourself, worry about you for now. I send my love to you.


Amy xxoo January 16, 2011 at 7:45 pm

We – the blog community – said we would be there for you, and here we are…reading this, so that in some small way we can each share your pain and help lighten your load. Dont stop writing Lori – because we wont stop being here for you…


Naomi @ Under the Yardarm January 16, 2011 at 7:39 pm

Nothing I say can take away your grief. Nothing. It is fucked. Full stop.
There is no right way to grieve. Do what you need to do each moment of the day.
Lean on those you can, stand alone when you can, write when you need.
One step in front of the other then two steps back, and standing still… it's not a race it's a fucking hard slog. Laugh, cry, rage, weep, write… and know that when you want us we are here. x


Maxabella January 16, 2011 at 7:36 pm

Oh, Lori. Almost too painful to read. If we could take some of your pain on, we would. It is too much for anyone to bear alone. But we are here, trying for you.

You know what, you have to think like an airplane emergency. Put the oxygen mask on yourself first and then tend to your children. x


Ms Styling You January 16, 2011 at 7:33 pm

Lori, I'm thinking of your every day. If I were closer, I'd be there. Let it out. Write it out. There isn't a textbook for grief.


Caitlyn Nicholas January 16, 2011 at 7:33 pm

Hugs, just hugs.


Lisa Walton January 16, 2011 at 7:29 pm

Just breathe – in and out – over and over again. Strength to you.


Kylie January 16, 2011 at 7:28 pm

Lori I feel for you, my heart hurts for what you have been through and are going through right now. Your consistently in my thoughts and my prayers. I have a little family too and feel completely heartbroken for your grief. Your in my families prayers, daily.


Anonymous January 16, 2011 at 7:23 pm

I suppose, what else is there, except one foot in front of the other, until one day you'll find you've walked a way, and didn't think about each of the steps. So sorry for your loss, your pain, your hurt.


Donna January 16, 2011 at 7:19 pm

You're right, nothing we can say can make this any less ugly, any less fucked up. Just keep the words flowing, it is better than them crowding your mind and burning a hole into your heart.

Speaking of hearts, I know it offers no comfort but mine honestly does break for you. You do what you need to, scream, swear, punch, cry, whatever helps numb the pain. You're kids will love you no matter what. Let them lean on their grandparents, you need to heal xx


lori January 16, 2011 at 7:15 pm

Collapse as long as you need to, write words as raw and uncensored as you need to – we'll wait, we'll listen, we'll pray…we're here for you. It's all many of us can do from far away, and it doesn't feel like enough, but…we're here.


Caz (The Truth About Mummy) January 16, 2011 at 7:06 pm

That was really painful to read because you are so beautifully expressive. I wish you didn't have to walk this road on your own (((hugs))).


Amy January 16, 2011 at 7:02 pm

I cannot even begin to understand how you are merely breathing at the moment. I guess you are FEELING everything with such a magnitude that I cannot comprehend.
I hope that sharing it will help to heave your heavy load at the moment.
Big love.


Hear Mum Roar January 16, 2011 at 7:01 pm

I think ppl hide their pain to protect the ones they love, not realising how desperately we want to help them. It's not your fault for not being able to read minds, please remember that:) It took me a long time to discover the extent of my partner's mental illness (I'm not saying whether or not that was the case with your husband , that's not my business), and the only way, apart from suspecting *something*, was for him to tell me. We've been together 11 years now, almost 12, if someone wants to hide their pain, they will. And it's not about not being close enough with us, it's because of embarrassment, protection of others and all that stuff.


thepixiechick January 16, 2011 at 6:59 pm

Fuck fuck fuck.
I wish there was something I could say.
Love you xo


A Daft Scots Lass January 16, 2011 at 6:55 pm

*huge hugs*


Anonymous January 16, 2011 at 6:55 pm

No words. Except we're all here for you.

CheezelMonster from BB


mrs_kan January 16, 2011 at 6:54 pm

fall apart love- we will be ere to catch you. 1 day 1 hour 1 minute at a time. it's all you can do
love love


Trik82 January 16, 2011 at 6:53 pm

Feeling terrible that all I can do is read your words and have you in my thoughts and in my heart! Hoping that hearing this helps in some way even if only slightly. I am here to hear your words, your pain and to encourage you as best as I can to push on. Sending love, healing and strength xoxo


Missy Boo January 16, 2011 at 6:52 pm

I wish there was more to offer you than lots of love and thoughts xxx


Tina ~ tina gray dot me January 16, 2011 at 6:39 pm

I have no words, Lori, but I am here for you, we all are. Love and strength. xxxx


MultipleMum January 16, 2011 at 6:37 pm

I want to help you Lori. You poor precious thing. What can I do for you? Look after children? Make you some dinner? Act as a punching bag? Sounding board? Whatever you need. You just let me know. x


Being Me January 16, 2011 at 6:31 pm

It might be hard to read when I say this (for I remember how angry and defensive I was to read similar, but in retrospect it was a comfort to know), but there are others who know EXACTLY your pain. I realise you have to own it all for now. It's too early to consider anything else otherwise. But waiting for you on the other side of the bridge across that godawful AWFUL valley… there are others who know how to catch you when you fall. For however many years. Learn how to seek them out (you'll know). I wish you goodspeed through this vacant, empty, angry, furious-feeling time. It's familiar. And I wouldn't want to be back there again. I'm saying this to reach out to you, Lori, and absolutely assure you it eases. (I hated when people told me that, so I am truly sorry but I just wanted to offer it from an experienced heart place). PLEASE email me if ever you want to really let fly. Seriously. I am genuinely here. Always.


edenland January 16, 2011 at 6:31 pm

Mate, this is just bullshit. I am deeply, painfully sorry for what you are dealing with right now. I love that you are getting it out, raw and honestly. This is it, man. This is life. Life is a motherfucking mess of snakes sometimes.

Love, love, lovin' on you. Do you need a mountain getaway? I can totally make that happen – today, if you want. Do you need liquor? Cigarettes? Some hookers? Anything at all. I would get you anything at all, to ease your pain in any way right now.



ClaireyH January 16, 2011 at 6:28 pm

It is such early days, this pain must be so intense and the pain just seems to swirl around hiding in every corner you turn to. You cant hide from it. You can't leave it for a second while you take a break to deal with something else.

Go easy on yourself, ten days is nothing, one breath at a time right now is all you need to get through.


Teni January 16, 2011 at 6:18 pm

Fuck is about right. I'd put a platitude or two here, but you don't need that.

Just love. I'm sending you love.


naoise.x. January 16, 2011 at 6:15 pm

….i dont know what to say exept that when you need us we will be here.
<3 you & praying for you.


Chantelle {fat mum slim} January 16, 2011 at 6:14 pm

Oh Lori. I don't know what to say, but I'm here. I'm here if you want to escape, if you want to scream, if you want to cry. I promise to listen… and not say anything sunshine-y, or anything at all.

Please let me know if you need me. xx


katepickle January 16, 2011 at 6:08 pm

It takes my breath away and makes my chest hurt and scares me to my bones to even imagine what you must be going through…
Keep writing… keep doing whatever keeps you going, or whatever helps you fall in a heap. Your words are as strong and important as they are difficult


JulieCottle January 16, 2011 at 6:03 pm

I think you deserve some time where all you do is curl up into a ball and cry. You don't have to be strong all the time.


Jo January 16, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Hugs, it's all I can offer so I'll make sure they're big ones (x0x0x0) Take care honey x


Trish@Show and Tell January 16, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Crumple in a complete and utter heap if that is what you need to do. That is normal. No-one can just keep putting one foot in front of the other when they are experiencing the depth of pain that you are. Let Grandma take over with the kids for a while. You are a mother, but you are a human being first.

Take care of yourself.

Much love and hugs.


Life In A Pink Fibro January 16, 2011 at 5:57 pm

No words Lori. But we're all thinking of you.


Curvaceous Queen January 16, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Just because you can doesn't mean you want to. It's bloody hard when our reality smacks us in the face. I can only wish you grace and love.


Mummy McTavish January 16, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Yes, you can do anything. But you shouldn't have to. Hugs for the journey ahead.


samanthacurrie.com January 16, 2011 at 5:47 pm

I've never met you Lori but still wish I could be there to help. Take your time, do what feels right, ignore the fuckers if you can, I agree people are fucked. But people can be beautiful to. Love in, fuckers out!
Thinking of you.


Tina January 16, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Oh Lori honey! I know we don't know each other, but I just wish I could make all of this go away for you. You do what you need to…whether that be yelling, crying, hiding away, curling up in a ball…whatever it takes and for however long it takes sweetie. All I can do is send you my love, I wish I could do more ~ Tina xx


Zoey @ Good Goog January 16, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Big-lasting-a-bit-too-long-hugs. It's ok to fall apart. I always liked that quote from Ernest Hemingway about how people who couldn't be broken by life would die and those who were broken would be strong at the broken places. Even if he was a mysogynistic alcoholic.


Miss Ruby January 16, 2011 at 5:45 pm

It almost seems wrong to use the word beautiful to describe this post but I am because it is.

It is you at your most rawest, there is nothing but pure emotion and love in this post and that's good. Good because it means you're feeling, yes you're grieving, yes you're in fucking shitloads of pain right now but I'm grateful that you're allowing it come out of you – so many bottle these things up.

And you're right, the strength to get back up is there but when you need to find it, it will show itself to you again, don't feel that you need to rush – we, us, I, people will be here ready for you when you need us, when you're ready – in the meantime you're in our thoughts and I hope tomorrow brings a little more peace your way.



Stylish Mummy January 16, 2011 at 5:42 pm

Oh hun… I cant even contemplate the grief,pain and hurt you must be going through. I wish I was closer so I could help you out and support you. xx


rebeccathewrecker January 16, 2011 at 5:40 pm

You don't know me but I am so so sorry this is happening and I wish I could take some of the burden for you.


toushka January 16, 2011 at 5:40 pm

I just want to hug you. I know that nothing I say can help. I've said before that I'm angry for you, I really am. I think it's really fucked. really fucked. I am also angry that people aren't helping if they said they would. I'm sorry and really angry.


deardarl January 16, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Hugs. Big ones.


MadCow January 16, 2011 at 5:33 pm

Crumbling when you need to is good. You wil get back up, because you are awesome.

I am here if you need a hand to get back up. I am here when you ask. Just ask.



misssy m January 17, 2011 at 3:27 am

The worst thing in the world has happened to you- nobody expects you to be able to deal with anything right now.

My heart goes out to you, my darling.

Gillian xxx


Denyse Whelan January 16, 2011 at 11:44 pm

It's wrong – he's gone & left you a rotten mess of raw emotions, unspoken words, and a life to lead alone.
This isn't what is supposed to happen.

Beyond those words, is a slowly emerging path of life waiting for you to walk along it again.

The people who have let you down…this is so wrong. Can you go on without their assistance.. Most likely yes.

ANGER at Tony & the world is so Normal but cam feel the opposite.

TALK. WRITE. FIND a TRUSTED friend/family member you cam vent to. SEEK grief Counselling …when u are ready.

Getting up each day, after the realization of a changed world emerges, is the first goal in re gaining a foothold on your life..the newest one


Good Golly Miss Holly! January 16, 2011 at 9:37 pm

I think the hardest part about losing someone is seeing the world still turn. People going back to everyday life. Why? Why hasn't the world come to a standstill to feel the loss we are? Why aren't they hurting? How can they just fucking go on as normal? How?

Scream, punch, write the anger and frustration out. Do whatever you have to do to keep on surviving.

Love to you girlfriend, so much love x


ezymay January 16, 2011 at 8:16 pm

Ah fuck Lori, I'm sorry I know I haven't done enough. Everyone does get to go back to their lives and that isn't fair, everything you are feeling is real and ok (not that you need me to tell you that). It's so fucked and I hate that you are hurting so much.


myshoeboxlife.com January 16, 2011 at 7:07 pm

Lori, I can't put into words how many times I've thought of you, tried to imagine your pain, hoped that in some small way all the people in this world were easing it just a tiny bit for you. But nothing seems right at all. I'm so sorry. xx


Mrs Woog January 16, 2011 at 7:06 pm

Do what you need to do to get through today, be it writing these posts or punching the wall. Whatever…. fuck. I am not going to give you a big inspirational comment. It is fucked. Full Stop. But when you are ready to pop your head up from the fucked up fog, know that you are not alone, and take a tiny chunk of comfort from that.
Mrs Woog xoxoxo


Madmother January 16, 2011 at 6:12 pm

I know, believe me I know. And you just want to scream – fuck off with your false promises, do not mouth inanities to make yourself feel better/look good.

But even more, do not leave me alone in this living hell to try and cope.

Am here matey, am here. xx


Toni January 16, 2011 at 5:38 pm

We hear you, Lori. Listening is all most of us can do right now. And we're not going to let you go. XXX


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