How To Be A ProBlogger (Not Really).

by Lori Dwyer on March 30, 2012 · 20 comments

If you are reading this, I’m probably in Melbourne right now for DPCon’12. Hopefully. Or else I’ve slept through my alarm and have missed my flight by a good few hours. But that does seem doubtful, considering I have to be at the airport in six hours and haven’t packed yet.

Last year was the inaugural AusBlogCon. Just over a year has passed since I proved to myself, for the first time, that I am a survivor.

Whatever. Enough mushy stuff. I’ve been to a few events in the last week where I’ve caught up with my fellow bloggers. I have never felt so comfortable or so much myself as when I’m in a room full of people who speak fluent geek with a hashtag accent.

Fellow geek and problogger Suger, pic stolen from her IG feed. She was one of my first ever blog followers and won my first blog comp- The Crappest GiveAway Ever. Appropriate, being Suger and all.

So, in honor of how much I love youse all, especially my fellow Top 50 bloggers– or probloggers, as the case may be– I’ve decided to publish the best advice I’ve got, as requested quite a while back, on how to  become– and stay– a problogger.

Now, before anyone gets their knickers in a proverbial twist– this is written with my tongue planted quite firmly in my cheek. If you would prefer me not to be such a smart arse (heh), I have published real, actual social media hints and blogging tips before. But this post is taking the piss. Out of myself. And those like–minded bloggers around me; who passionately adore writing, lovee their blogs… but really have no idea what they’re doing or why they’re any good at it.

The 2012 Kidspot Top 50. That’s me, scratching the bonnet of the car. Again.Thanks to JuicySlices IG feed for the pic.

‘How to sell your soul, sell yourself out, work your fingers to the bone, slave over a slightly heated iPad all day’… Or, ‘How to be a problogger.’

Remember– no one cares. You are a blogger, dammit; and blog you will, come rain, hail, appendicitis or dead husbands. You’re sick/tired/pregnant/having an existential crisis/being evicted/have been kidnapped by a band of rogue trolls…? Initially the sympathy will flow. This is lip service. No one actually cares why you’re not blogging, just that you are not blogging, and their morning Woog fix hasn’t showed in their Reader yet. Which is completely understandable. Think about it this way– when was the last time you saw David Letterman take a night off?

Thy blog is thy temple. And thou shall tweet treat it as such, offering sacrifices of wisdom and wit to the holy Trinity of Twitter, FaceBook and the Google God (who I’m fairly sure considers Google+ to be some kind of splinter section cult).

You must reply to every single email. Always. You will blog for an hour a day, and answer emails for six. Establish yourself an email auto–pilot persona so complete it even replies to offers from Dannii’s *Big Boobs!!!!* with a polite “Please keep me in the loop for future events” and a copy of your media kit.

What the f*ck do you mean “What is a media kit?”!?!?! Back of the blogging class, please.

Remember- every PR person is trying to rip you off, take over your blog, and fill it with video ads for Nestlé. Respond to their emails in a tone similar to one you would use for people who drown Furbies or Zhu Zhu pets or kittens or something.

Write an e-book. About anything. At all. Or at the very least contribute to one. Charge 99 cents a copy for it and change your business card to read “Published Author”. It’s called ‘shameless self promotion‘ and it works.

Attend the opening of an envelope. Erm…that’s me with a cardboard cut out of Rob The Dentist. Oh, and that’s me with Abby Cadabby. And oh, look, there’s me next to Anna Fare and Miranda Kerr’s mum! (Pictures completely unrelated to point. Obviously. See you next month at Samsung!)

Do not ever, ever, ever call yourself a mummy blogger. Personal blogger, parenting blogger, lifestyle blogger, grief blogger, humour blogger, niche blogger, whatever. But you are not, ever, under any circumstances, a mummy blogger.

Have price tags and make them nonnegotiable. Charge for absolutely everything. Really. I don’t care if that child is missing a leg and has to walk six kilometers to school carrying his pet iguana on his back. My sidebar is valuable real estate, dammit, and it will stay that way.

If you have a secret, confess it. It’s great for your stats. People love a nice bloody, gory car crash; the more bod bits strewn over the kerb the better.

Always, always, always carry a camera. Always. Get one built into your retina if you can. Because you just never know when you’ll capture a magical moment like this. Or this. Or this. Or even this.

And that’s about… that. DP bloggers, if you happen to see me around today, please come and say hello. And don’t punch me, not for this post– I’m almost positive it will only make me worse.

Cheers, jellybeans– as I said, I adore you people, bloggers and readers and occasional drop-in’s and random Google bots alike. Happy DPCon’12! (I know, I know, mOmmy bloggers, you’ve been there, done all this brand new conference stuff… but us Aussie’s are still catching up).

post signature

Leave a Comment

CommentLuv badge

{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }

collierville dentist June 16, 2012 at 5:22 am

Creativity and uniqueness are also important to become a successful pro-blogger. People love to get reliable and unique information from blogs etc.. Thanks for the useful info on how to become a successful blogger though.


dentists melbourne May 8, 2012 at 3:06 am

Such a funny take on being a pro-blogger. Humility aside, nobody becomes a pro in this blogging brouhaha without the zest for something unusual–the topic that is. Yeah you can write about politics, nature, food, travel and others but those are all written by others so what else can you write, you just did up there! And for that alone, I was pressed to reply to give you your well-deserved KUDOS! Cheers mate!


sarah braaksma April 2, 2012 at 9:57 pm

bahahahahaha fantastic post!


Zoey @ Good Googs April 1, 2012 at 6:57 pm

Great to see you! I'd say something witty but I'm far too hungover.


Marianne April 1, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Classic…thanks for the chuckle!!


•´.¸¸.•¨¯`♥.Trish.♥´¯¨•.¸¸.´• April 1, 2012 at 11:59 am

Damn it , why didn't i know this before ?


Madmother April 1, 2012 at 12:12 pm

I love, love, LOVED meeting you at last. Though you did look shit-scared until I introduced myself (visual image for those not there: tiny, elfin, ethereal Lori hiding in corner… big, booming, women on a mission with a scary glint in her eye bounding up.

Lots of squeals and OMGs and hugs once bouncing, bountiful, bodacious, blue-haired Madmother announces her identity. And quite a few sighs of relief by beautiful Lori… and I am sure I heard her mutter *phew, you looked like a nutter, thank Dog it was only you*).


Dorothy Krajewski March 31, 2012 at 9:31 pm

Love it, Lori!

Even though tongue-in-cheek, absolutely true. With one exception – we DO care…


Tanvir March 31, 2012 at 4:44 am

Really nice


Melissa March 31, 2012 at 3:12 am

Hope you're having a great time – thanks for the tips :)


keeping up with the holsbys March 30, 2012 at 8:11 pm

Ha, perfect timing! I'm in the midst of said existential crisis and have leapt into cyber world to sell my family out for cheap thrills.
Now I can go into it safely knowing that if I thought I was jaded before, I ain't seen nothing yet!!
Thanks for the heads up!


alana March 30, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Loving! And hating at the same time. How can I have been so clueless as to not know there was a blogging conference coming up. And I'm missing it. And everyone on Twitter seems to be there. Hope it's going well. Great blog.


My MummaMoments March 30, 2012 at 11:27 am

Love your work Lori! So much fun x Pretty sure I need to say again how I love you with the short hair, beautiful!


Melissa {Suger} March 30, 2012 at 10:18 am

HA! I love this. And thanks for the lov'er'ly mention. I love that you stole this pic. SO glad I got to meet you in person. It feels like ages buddy. SO long. And Holly too, gosh I hope she doesn't hate me for my odd sense of humour. How to win friends and influence people indeed! NOT.

Great post. Have a wonderful weekend. xo


JuicySlices March 30, 2012 at 9:53 am

Oh wow I am on your blog I am famous!!!!!
Have fun in Melbourne!!!

JuicySlices (a.k.a Jen Cheung – Food Editor Kidspot)


Lou Pardi March 30, 2012 at 9:44 am



Sharon @ Funken Wagnel March 30, 2012 at 8:49 am

Thank you for the early morning giggle! Have fun, Lori:)

Reply March 30, 2012 at 5:35 am

LOL. Loved this post. Hope you have a great time…


Claire March 30, 2012 at 3:47 am

Love ya too, sweetie! Enjoy the conference!


Good Golly Miss Holly! March 30, 2012 at 9:38 am

BAHAHAHAHA You did it! You hit publish! YES! x


Previous post:

Next post: