Let’s Talk About S…..E……X……

by Lori Dwyer on June 4, 2010 · 24 comments


As the title suggests, this post is about sex. Whilst I will endeavor not to go into too much gory detail, there is a disclaimer here.

Those with anal dispositions, please log off now.

If you happen to know me In Real Life, you may not want to read this one. Because, you know, we have to look each other in the eyes again at some point.

If you happen to be my mother, you really don’t want to read this one. For the reason listed above.

If, God forbid, you are my father, close the window now and pretend this never happened. For the reason listed above and so many more.

And if you are my husband- Hi, Man. I did warn you this one was going straight to the blog.

Now, on with the show.

It probably comes as no surprise that, with two kids under three, any hanky panky in the Purple House happens either

a) When opportunity knocks.
B) not at all.

An it also probably not surprising that option b) is the one that usually gets laid on table* first up. (Can anyone say “I am just too freaking exhausted?”)

Which leads us to situations like the one I found myself in recently.

The Man returns home from his first physiotherapy appointment** and states

“The physio says more sex will fix my sciatica”

Hmmm. Dubious. Very dubious.

But who am I to argue with a medical professional?

The venue for this particular tryst was the kitchen.

Kinky, yes? Well, actually, no. More a matter of necessity, with one child asleep upstairs and the other snoozing in the lounge room. Kinky is most definitely the luxury of people without small children.

Just-long-enough-to-be-satisfying-but-not-a-marathon-because-I-have-a-short-attention-span later and we’re done. The residual compliments about how freaking awesome we are flow, we have a quick smooch, clothes go back on.

The Man pulls out the bread and butter to make a sandwich.

And I resume the stacking of the dishwasher.

I tell you what, Followees.

The sex lives of married people with little children. So hot, you could almost make a porno out of it.

Ahem. Almost.***

*So to speak.
**Please, don’t be alarmed. The Man has had sciatica for at least two weeks now, whinging all the while. I have no sympathy. When he is 36 weeks pregnant, carrying a toddler on his hip, with his nerves pinching so badly he is walking like John Wayne, then he can whinge to me. And I will totally have sympathy. Totally. 
 *** And just for the record, the Man’s physio was lying. It did nothing to help his sciatica.

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{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }

lori June 7, 2010 at 4:27 am

kudos for the creativity, but if we did it in the kitchen it'd have to be standing up cause we both like a soft surface under our bums.


Jodie at Mummy Mayhem June 6, 2010 at 11:31 pm

Love it! What a good laugh. You have me looking at my kitchen, wondering….where….?


Thea June 6, 2010 at 7:58 pm

Oh sorry *Thea, proof read your comments!!!!*

all = allow


Thea June 6, 2010 at 7:57 pm

Haha, too funny!!
Damn,I don't think my arthritis would all the kitchen!! lol


Marlene June 6, 2010 at 7:58 am

Somehow, I don't think it was the physio guy that was lying, LOL.
I think I next girl's night out is going to be very interesting ;)


Kristy June 6, 2010 at 7:58 am

Now what I need to do is leave the computer around with this blog post up so my husband can read it and TAKE A HINT! Great post!


Katt June 5, 2010 at 6:26 pm

I envy those of you still getting some…


Teacher Mommy June 5, 2010 at 12:18 am

Hehehehe. I find that sex with Many Children About has become quite exciting, especially when you're trying to race the clock before that school bus arrives. Of course, we also have the luxury of weekends with No Children At All. One of the benefits of a blended family.


Ali June 4, 2010 at 8:50 pm

PMSL Lori!!!!
That's gold!


Nerdycomputergirl June 4, 2010 at 6:57 pm

Hi Lori,
found your blog today through the mclinky and think it's great. Can't read it when my daughter is around tho cos she wants to play the jellybean game!



Glen June 4, 2010 at 6:09 pm

Funny how it is that when one minute you are starting to get all warmed up on the sofa and then the next minute a 5 year old is stood there giving you thirty seconds notice of an imminent Vesuvius sized eruption of sick, the mood can very quickly be lost


Lucy June 4, 2010 at 2:42 pm

Ahhhhahah. You may have inspired me….


Tracy June 4, 2010 at 2:28 pm

Ah, yes…I remember those days. ;)

Improvisational quick!-while-the-kids-are-asleep sex does have a certain frisson about it – and frankly, if you are tired and a bit busy, it does have the advantage that it's unlikely to be turned into a marathon by…ahem, either party.

Btw – hope he wiped the bench down before he made that sandwich….


scone June 4, 2010 at 1:48 pm

I've not tried our table… hmmm. Sarah, I assume then you've seen the above-mentioned kitchen too! :p

Lori – least The Man has timing, mine sees a small window of opportunity – Quick! the kid's watching Bob the Builder, lets go! (btw thats an example, but you get the picture) ;)


Sarah June 4, 2010 at 12:42 pm


I've seen the infamous table!


Brenda June 4, 2010 at 11:11 am

Gawd! Sex in The Kitchen?! I bow down to you Sex Goddess you!


Draft Queen June 4, 2010 at 10:17 am

I have sex at least once a day. But my kids are older (9 and 11). I keep telling him that it will all magically stop if we have another…


Tenille June 4, 2010 at 8:48 am

You mean you can still have sex with your husband after you have kids? It's been so long, I don't remember…


katiegirl June 4, 2010 at 8:39 am

Ha, ha. I love it how places that are supposed to be "kinky" to everyone else, are simply for convenience sake, when it comes to bleary-eyed parents, with little people spread all over the house.


Wanderlust June 4, 2010 at 8:16 am

Wow, so much that could potentially go wrong in a kitchen…


Dazee Dreamer June 4, 2010 at 6:50 am

hahaha. God, brought back memories.


Pumpkin and Piglet June 4, 2010 at 6:33 am

So funny and so true! Married with kids sex is so different. We've ended up doing it in some 'kinky' places out of necessity too and it's weird how I usually end up doing the washing up about 5 minutes after we're done!


Holly Homemaker June 4, 2010 at 1:02 pm

*Maybe they see the same physio? Damn, I need to brush up on my English! Hahha


Holly Homemaker June 4, 2010 at 12:49 pm

That piss weak excuse sounds very much like something my manchild would come out with? Hmmm. Maybe they see physio?


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