Making Plans

by Lori Dwyer on March 16, 2012 · 9 comments

Apparently, having the ability to make plans means I’m getting better.

I’ve got no argument to that, no reason to disagree with it. It must be true. I used to have big plans, plans for the next five years in a vague kind of way, plans for the future twelve months more solid and tangible.

And then… nothing. Unable to plan because I had no idea what was coming next. Living, quite literally, second to second to second. Minute to minute.

A lot of people use that phrase… “living by day by day”. I mean it literally. In the early days, those first horrible deep purple days filled with pain and the hitched rhythm of a ventilator, it was second to second. The tiniest things– walking, operating an elevator– they all required some level of concentration, as if I’d never done them before, ever. I was unable to plan further than the next two minutes– now I will walk to the car, now I will drink this cup of tea, now I will choose the clothes may husband is to be buried in– because doing so, trying to think what I would do would with myself tomorrow, or next week– that was terrifying. I often didn’t know how I’d make it through the night, let alone to the next week.

But gradually planning minutes became planning days. Being able to commit to an event a week or two in advance and know I’d be mentally competent enough to handle it. I can write into my diary play dates and lunches with friends. I can even start to rebuild those vague plans of where my son will go to school, and how exactly that will be. It no longer scares me to consider what things will be like in week or a month or even a year.

OK– that’s a lie. I’m still scared. I’m terrified. But I think everyone is. And being afraid, that’s OK. As long as your life goes on regardless– as long as you look that fear in the face.

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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

Marlene March 19, 2012 at 10:32 am

I smiled reading this :)


Anonymous March 19, 2012 at 2:44 am

fter my boyfriend's suicide attempt, my therapist was elated when I told her he wanted to adopt a puppy. She told me that he was making a commitment to a future and to caring for 'someone' and that he was thinking beyond today. I will always remember hearing those words and knowing that I could now have a little bit of hope. Hugs, Lori!


louloulovesme March 17, 2012 at 7:15 am

I once read a great book feel the fear and do it anyway… Sounds like that's what you are doing… Im happy to read you are feeling stronger…


Donna March 17, 2012 at 6:36 am

So happy to hear this xxx


Miss Pink March 16, 2012 at 8:32 pm



Being Me March 16, 2012 at 8:29 pm

I can identify. That inability to look further (for fear) is gripping. Slowly it inches its way outward, though, and you should feel some breathing room. Progress, it's called.. as resistant to it as I recall being in the beginning xo


Rachel March 16, 2012 at 7:19 pm

Hooray for lunches and play dates! There should be more of it! xoxoxoxo


In Real Life March 16, 2012 at 9:38 am

It's so great to hear that you are feeling stronger. I think of you often and wish you well.


Debyl1 March 16, 2012 at 8:47 am

Thats the way Lori.Look fear in the face…That one simple line will help so many others.You are so right.We will all always have fears,its how we handle them.Hide or face them even when it is hard to do so.What a wonderful example to give your children.You sound strong and I feel proud for you x


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