Not Speaking About Just Everything…

by Lori Dwyer on August 23, 2011 · 24 comments

The jealous blogger in question has voluntarily outed herself, in exchange for Google love. It’s the fully scary Kelley from Magnet Bold Too. Awesome shoes, Kel.

I know there is a least one blogger out there who is, in a way, a little jealous of what I’ve got here.

Don’t jump up and down just yet. Hear me out. Because I get what she’s saying, and I was glad she bought it up with me.

It appears I get to talk about so much here. Vent away about the impact mental health problems have had on my life. Spill my feelings, over and over again. Because my husband is dead, and what I say effects him no longer.

Like I said, I get that. And I do appreciate what I have here.

But I’ve paid for it. In return for being honest, I lost friends and family.

And, in a way that I guess must be contrary to public perception, I don’t talk about everything here. There’s a lot that I hold back.

Everyone has barriers for their blogs, comfort levels. With the death of Tony and what I revealed here, mine was effectively stretched, then shattered.

But I kept some perimeters.

There are always things we don’t blog about.

I made the decision, very early on, that this blog would not be a place for hard core bitching- that was before Tony died. Afterward, I kept that principle, as far as my own anger would allow.

So, while I reveal a lot of my husband, and our lives together, there are things that are not on this blog, that will never go here. I’ve drawn a line between what was Tony’s on his own, and what was ‘ours’ as a couple. And while I share the ‘ours’- because it’s mine to share- I don’t write down all of the ‘his’.

If that makes any sense at all.

I also decided to restrict what I would publish here in terms of other people’s actions. Keep safe, legally and emotionally. Don’t name names, or publish too many details.

So, hypothetically speaking… maybe I don’t blog about two sets of my sons godparents who I have not seen since my husband’s funeral. I don’t blog about my husband friends, who had his name tattooed on their arms, then blatantly lied and ripped me off a few hundred dollars in the months following his death.

I don’t say there are so many people with my husband’s name, or some symbol representing him, etched into their skin. I can’t help but feel disgusted, as those people who bear his name but have deserted us anyway. I don’t talk about how I hope the ink fucking burns, eats at them like acid.

I don’t talk, specifically, about the person who told me, emotionless, that of course Tony’s death was my fault, everyone knew that. I don’t blog about one of Tony’s ‘best mates’ who asked me ‘what was wrong’ the night after Tony’s funeral, and refused to come to my house and see my children. I don’t point fingers at the people who did see my children, deliberately doing it without my knowledge, while there were in the care of relatives,sneaking to them so they would not have to see me.

I don’t discuss what went on in Tony’s workplace in the six months before he died.

Hell, I haven’t even published the name of the mechanic who took two months to put my car back together, knowing that my husband was dead and we were desperately waiting for that vehicle back so we could move on, just a little, from one of the things that was stressing Tony out so badly to start with.

So… I guess… don’t be jealous, don’t be angry. I hold my tongue as much as anyone else. I understand the impulse. But as I said, all the apparent freedom I have here, I’ve paid for. And while it may appear that I hold back on nothing, I don’t publish everything about everything.

No one does.

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{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }

Eccles August 25, 2011 at 5:21 pm

My dear Lori – I'm sitting here with the tears welling in my eyes. (I haven't written for a while because I am going through my own "issues" at the moment). The things that you write about are YOURS to write about. We who are allowed to share in these writings are fortunate to be allowed in. By opening up your life to this scrutiny though, you have opened yourself to criticism. You have been strong enough to cope with the death of your husband, and I know you will be strong enough to cope with the cowardice & criticism of others. There is also a level of not knowing how to cope with you, your pain & grief by those who surrounded you. That's OK – it is incredibly difficult to cope with the pain & suffering of others. Some people "get it" (the ones who stand with you) & some have absolutely no idea. Well, you already know who they are. I will continue to read your blog & tweets, & I will continue to comment when you "call" me. I am very proud of you & what you have achieved. Life is truly not about the destination, it is ALL about the journey!! (X)


Taryn August 24, 2011 at 3:23 pm

I get this too Lori.

We have the freedom in which to write pretty much anything but we just need to draw a line in the sand. And we are all different. What I might divulge. Another blogger wouldn't. And that is ok. We are all different.

Frustrating. xx


Annabellz August 24, 2011 at 2:34 pm

I get it too. Sometimes I feel voyeourish reading your blog but I know in my heart of hearts that that is not what I'm here for when I read. I read because I feel your honesty and who you are gives so much light to humanity. You've given me more courage to search my soul and be truthful I also want to let you know you have another supporter out there (here).


Suzy August 24, 2011 at 2:30 pm

Glow – perhaps "envy" is closer to what you are trying to express, rather than jealousy?

Lori – I know that we all censor what we write online, for many, varied and totally understandable reasons. And I think we all know there are so many things you DON'T write here. I know there are so many things I will never write about on my blog because of the possible repercussions both for me and my family.

And a lot of what you have (not) said here, I went through after my son died a few years ago. The questions of "what's wrong?" (what the fuck do you THINK is wrong??) the sneaking around to see my kids without facing me (and stalking my facebook and speaking about me to others as though you actually care and have continued to see me face to face…)

But I digress.

We all have our reasons for self-censoring, and I feel like if spewing those words onto the screen doesn't bring any benefit to my life, what is the point in stirring the pot? Writing about your own emotions is a completely different kettle of fish.

What you choose to share with the world is entirely up to you.

ps Sorry for the tangent in the middle there.


Glowless @ Where’s My Glow August 24, 2011 at 2:07 pm

I can definitely understand the 'jealousy', though I don't know if I'd call it that because jealousy implies that there is resentment. But I can't think of a word (am not a writer, obviously!).

Wanting to say something but being unable to, for whatever reason, especially when we blog for a living, is stifling. Seeing someone else say so much (even though it might not be all of what could be said), perhaps similar to what we want to say, could make someone wish for the confidence to say what they know they cannot.


Alex aka WHOA MUMMA! August 24, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Man, there are some genuinely shitty people out there in this world and I'm sorry you've met so many of them.

Sometimes I'd love to post things on my blog that are whirring around in my head (other people's problems, illnesses etc) but ultimately, I don't because I know it will come back and bite me on the ass. If I'd stayed anonymous I'd be posting about all of them but too many people I know have discovered my blog.

I love your honesty, keep it coming.


Melissa August 24, 2011 at 11:47 am

Exactly what Amy said. The times I have let myself just go for it, and let it out and say what I really think, all hell has broken loose and those family members are no longer in our lives.

Having said that, our lives are far better and more peaceful without them. I wish I'd not caved to family pressure and had just let the posts stand as they were.


Jodie Ansted August 24, 2011 at 9:19 am

I get this, Lori.

I actually wrote last week about feeling frustrated that I couldn't blog about a bunch of stuff I'd love to, and also talked about barriers. We do have to consider others when we write.

Most of the stuff I feel I can't blog about, I can talk to friends about though, so that's a positive, and I hope you too can talk to friends. xxx


Tony August 24, 2011 at 9:02 am

Hi Lori, This point brings to mind two things,
We all as your followers, think that we know you just because we read your blog but we only know what you allow us to know.

This highlights that in the process of being an "open person" you have maintained being a "good person" you have been as open as you choose with us,but at the same time, have not sunk to the standard or these people and have retained your morals and values. Good on You!


Kelloggsville August 24, 2011 at 8:17 am

Sometimes the reason for the sharing is important. If it is helping and has a positive result for you or someone else then, even if it is contentious, it may be ok to share but if the reason is to directly affect someone else, to indirectly vent at them, then i would question whether it is the best way to deal with an issue. The answer may still be yes but I think a bit of inward questioning is worthwhile first. Like you've not done enough of that already. Sometimes blog things then wonder about their appropriateness later, sometimes I moan about husband hoping husband will read it. That is when it is wrong. I should just tell him.


Amy xxoo August 24, 2011 at 7:12 am

I get what your saying Lori… because the one time that i didnt self-censor, that i did let fly and spewed out all the anger and bitterness and rejection i was feeling – well, the person at whom that diatribe was directed found that post, and is no longer a part of my life because of it ( and other little things aswell )….


Shellye August 24, 2011 at 3:44 am

I appreciate your honesty and I understand what you mean about not publicizing everything about your life on your blog. Some topics are just not anybody's business.

As for the people who have hurt or blamed you, they don't even know you. They're just trying to find a victim or an outlet for their whinging, and of course some people get a payoff from demeaning others. Have a dekko at their lives in about ten years. They will receive their "reward" for their actions toward you and your children. That old saying, "What goes around comes around," is so much more truthful than it appears.


Mrs J August 24, 2011 at 12:31 am

Your blog is your own, you have the right and the privilege to publish whatever you damn well want. And if people get pissy with you because you write about this and not about that, well they can go read someone else's blog if it upsets them so much!!

I used to follow a blog about a woman in the USA but exploited her children in the process, even publishing nude photos of her baby. I was disgusted, not just at the photos, but the way everything she blogged about became a commercial opportunity. So rather than complaining and being hounded by the thousands who worship the blog, I just stopped following.

We all have the power to exercise our judgment about what we will or won't read or listen to, it's as simple as changing the channel or switching the radio off.


Melissa August 23, 2011 at 11:53 pm

I kind of wish you could share. Name and shame, let loose that rage. Not the Tony stuff that was just his.

But the people who have acted so appallingly. The people he'd be so disgusted with now. Let slip the dogs of war and release that rage. They deserve every ounce of it, and it can't be good for you to hold it in.


Melissa August 23, 2011 at 11:50 pm

This comment has been removed by the author.


Madmother August 24, 2011 at 9:16 am

Ah my sweet, I hope we get to meet in person one day. I so admire your code of honour, I don't think naming and shaming would do anything other than to antagonise an already inflamed situation.

Those concerned would know exactly who you are referring to, and that is justice enough.

I am surrounded by some really lovely people at the moment, ones I am trying to learn from. One of my dear friends, when I vent and froth and rant, has a lovely saying…"Let's release it to the universe and hope these people find what they need to heal. A long way away from you."

Mind you I still have the urge to run 'em down with the 4WD, but I just keep that incline to myself until it passes.

*Calm, blue, waters, calm, blue, waters*



Hear Mum Roar August 23, 2011 at 11:11 pm

Everyone has their own filter. People think they see everything, and they never do. No blogger is an open book, nor should they be.

And hypothetically, if all that stuff DID happen that you hypothetically raised, then I'd hypothetically have some very strong words for those hypothetical people.


april August 23, 2011 at 11:07 pm

Hi Lori,
I was commenting a lot. Then I stopped but kept reading. Now I'm commenting again – because I get it. I'm told I overshare, that I feel too much – but what I share for me is nothing compared to what I don't – its the kiddie pool to me where lots of people find it to be the bottomless diving pool of emotion and crap that has happened to me and I have borders too very strict one – like yours I'll share what's mine, what I feel but not what someone else is doing or all the bad that my life has had and many people don't get that – just see even talking about the tiny bit I do that that is too much. So thankyou for being so open and sharing, thank you for being honest. thank you for being real.


Jacki August 23, 2011 at 10:39 pm

To be honest, I can't fathom why anyone would tell you that they're jealous of your situation. If you're a good writer, you can make a story out of anything – good, bad, boring, whatever. Your situation has touched so many people because we can relate to you so easily. But I really appreciate what you're saying in this post. Our boundaries are as individual as we are and no one should judge others on how much they choose to disclose. If people don't like what they're reading, they can always click off! Thanks for sharing.


Miss Pink August 23, 2011 at 10:34 pm

I get what you're saying all too well.
Me, 10 years ago. Everyone thought I was talking about so much, telling them so much, confiding in them, when really there was a lot more deeper within me they had no idea about.

What one person may consider "deep" may only be scratching the surface to another.

Tell your story. Heck tell his if you want! His story is, afterall, left up to you to remember, to tell if you so choose. Those who were going to leave have already, and it might hurt now but in the long run you're better off without people who don't have YOUR best interests at heart.
Sometimes fewer friends, fewer people around is more comforting than a mass crowd. But them sometimes that busy crowd is what you need too.


Trisha August 23, 2011 at 10:32 pm

Hi Lori,

Thanks again for such an honest post. I think it is easy for people looking in to miss the fact that it is simply a snapshot.

I think for a lot of us, we cannot begin to imagine the amount of pain that you have experienced and are still experiencing…and so with what you have blogged about, the huge amount of pain, we cannot begin to think that there can be more.

Once again, I am so sorry for the high price that you have paid and I truly admire your courage and dignity.

Take care of yourself,


Michelle Twin Mum August 23, 2011 at 10:31 pm

We each do what we have to and what suits us Lori. The beauty of blogging is that we only have to answer to ourselves. Mich x


Toni August 23, 2011 at 11:08 pm

Some people suck.
Some people shine, even in the middle of the shit-pile.
You shine, Lori.
I know you don't always see it, but we do.



Crystal August 23, 2011 at 11:00 pm

Of course you're still holding quite a bit back. It's like you said – we all have our boundaries. I guess I can kind of understand why someone, someone who wants to but can't speak their truth, would be jealous, but you have paid far, far too dearly for the privilege you have now of speaking freely.

Just keep speaking. Keep writing. Keep doing what feels right to you.


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