One Last Night in Paradise.

by Lori Dwyer on September 11, 2011 · 18 comments

“Life is like a pipe, and I’m a tiny penny rolling up and down the walls inside.”
Amy Winehouse, Back to Black.
Tonight marks my last night as a born again resident of Paradise.
Starting tomorrow, I’ll be a big girl, an adult all on my own, my own residence to play house with.
One part of me- excited dreamer, optimist to the extreme- is imaging starting all over again.. a pleasant mix of the Purple Before and PlanB. A space to make my own, to nourish my children, to relax.
Have you ever experienced the phenomenon of working, exhausted by your job, only to take a holiday and immediately fall ill with a cold or the flu. Your body relaxes and feels it is finally, finally able to be soft and weak and relax its immune system too. And you get sick.
The other part of me, the realist that is not so optimistic… it wonders if that’s exactly what will happen. I’ll finally felt safe and secure, loved and stable, with people close by to call if something goes wrong… I think my body may just break. My mind just may fall open and expose all the pain inside.
Or maybe not. All this time, I’ve been stronger than I thought.
That scared, cynical part of me tells me lots of things. She’s hurt and traumatised and so broken she may never scrape herself back up. She trusts no one at all, and if people get too close  to her, she pushes them away.
She screams at me, What if this makes no difference? What if we’re just running again and it brings no relief?
I try to temper her, and talk to her. She is pissed off and angry.
But at least she’s only a bit of me now. Most of her dissolved in Paradise.
I’ve had a few people assume that, because I’m moving away from Paradise, a bit closer to where I used to live, I made the wrong decision to move here in the first place, regretted my choice.
I haven’t. Not for a second. I feel blessed to have spent six months here, relatively alone, with my children. We needed a winter near the beach, far away from everyone, to learn to be family again. 
To learn to function without Tony.
To prove to myself that I could do this, with minimal assistance in the day to day.
And I did it. It was hard, and I almost fell apart more times than I can count. But it was worth every second, every tear, every second of heart breaking loneliness. I moved here broken, burnt, terrified, traumatised. I’m leaving… not quite whole.
But I’ve come so far. Being whole is relative. I’ll take what I can get.
I’m a survivor. I’m strong. I can handle far more than what I ever thought I could. A
nd I can do it with some level of dignity, some preservation of the spirit.
This is the rest of my life.
Bring it on.

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{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }

Melissa September 13, 2011 at 10:19 pm

Yes you are, and yes you can.

I didn't think this step meant you'd regretted the last one. I thought it meant simply that you were ready to make the next one.

I'm wishing you all happiness that can be found. Can't wait to hear about the house.


Salamander September 13, 2011 at 9:09 pm

To paraphrase a much more eloquent person than myself, Lori – may the road rise up to meet your feet. I hope your move is going well (as well as a move ever goes, I suppose!)Am thinking of you, your babes, and this new chapter in your life, and sending love xxxxx


River September 12, 2011 at 9:34 pm

I'm positive that you are going to be fine.
There'll be good days and bad days, but the good will far outweigh the bad.
All of you will be fine.


Melissa September 12, 2011 at 8:29 pm

Wow – such a powerful post.
I know wherever you go – you will rock :)


Suzi September 12, 2011 at 7:03 pm

Congrats on the new home, I'm glad you had the chance to stay in paradise, like the others said, it was an important step. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life. xx


Anita Fredericks September 12, 2011 at 6:57 pm

I think you are awesome. Remember: you have a blank canvas now. Choose to paint it however you like!

Good luck and enjoy this wonderful new step in your journey… one day at a time.


Rin September 12, 2011 at 6:30 pm

I am just so damn proud of you Lori. I can't wait to hear the new stories that are created in your new home!


A Daft Scots Lass September 12, 2011 at 5:30 pm

and yet another door opens. Embrace it and enter the next phase.

We are with you!


Miss Pink September 12, 2011 at 2:34 pm

You are fantastic. And I hope the move went awesomely and you're loving your new little slice of this world.


Denwise aka Denyse Whelan September 12, 2011 at 11:41 pm

Loved that farewell post.. Paradise gave you time & a sense of the kids & mummy … Managing in a safe & familiar place with people you knew. So many familiar connections & more are closer to home… Old home… Tony & Lori's .. But this journey, with 2 kidlets & you, into a house to make a home brings you a chance to grow into a new life … And who knows what may lie ahead… Good times xxx


The Patch Craft September 12, 2011 at 8:52 am

Congratulaiton on the new home. Sometimes we all need to step of the merry go round and look at where we are.

Enjoy your new home.


Kelloggsville September 12, 2011 at 7:02 am

of course the first move wasn't a mistake, it was a change, a movement, a step in life. If every time we altered something it was a mistake, what a mess we would all consider ourselves to be. A winter in paradise was right for that season of change. Now a Summer in a new home. Even thouh it is yours it doesn't have to have the intention of forever. Circumstances are forever changing, as are our needs. You are the sky, the rest is weather xxx


Kristy September 12, 2011 at 4:48 am

You sound ready for the next thing. It is time, it seems then, to move on. Hope the move goes well!


Good Golly Miss Holly! September 12, 2011 at 2:11 pm

You are a survivor, you are strong, you are awesome. Rock that shit, bitch xx


Trisha September 12, 2011 at 2:31 am

Hi Lori,

Way to go! I'm pleased that paradise was a place where you could heal somewhat.

All the best with your next move. You are definitely a survivor!



Cate September 12, 2011 at 12:44 am

Another new chapter for you. The beach is such a healing place I think you were wise to spend time there, even a short time, and find your strength again. I hope the move goes well.


Crystal September 12, 2011 at 10:28 am

I think the optimist in you is right – you're going to rebuild, now that you've had some time to heal in Paradise. It was a necessary step. but it's served its purpose and I can feel how ready you are to move on. As ever, I wish you and your kids nothing but the best.



Tony September 12, 2011 at 12:11 am

If you are doing it, then it is the right move for you, just like paradise was-it was a stepping stone on your journey. I read something good this morning,"spend life looking through the windscreen not in the rear vision mirror" easy to say I know, but something to think about.Good luck with the move, hope it all goes smoothly.


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