Pearls- July 25th.

by Lori Dwyer on July 25, 2012 · 14 comments

Today should be my third wedding anniversary.

I started to write something florid and beautiful… then I stopped, because it just hurts too much.

I might finish it, one day soon. Or maybe not.

I spend Monday angry, pissed off like I was last year. Tuesday I am a block of… something. I would say ice, but I don’t have the edgy to feel that cold. Concrete is far too stable, too dense; where I am floating, pinned to the world by the thin ribbon of my children, only barely holding on.

If there such a thing as a nothing that can exist within a person, right now I am it. No boiling emotions… do emotions exist if there is no one to take weight of them, one way or another? For the people within my life, my emotions are singular and separate, in that there is nothing anyone can do that will alter them. There are no words that can penetrate this, make sense of this… give me cliches and karma and things happening for a reason and I will stare at you as though you are a vapid mist, a fog.

With nothing that can be said or done to give me peace, to balm my pain, I am given a certain space. There is nothing to be said, no way to view this except “She will be OK”

And I always am. I am an untouchable… I am bizarrely, horribly unique.


It was superstition, my gran (who is, against all odds, not only powering on but back home) tells me, when she was married in the late 1940′s, that a bride wearing pearls brought only bad luck to a marriage. My gran’s wedding dress, made by her mother, was covered in them, and you can just barely pick them out in the black and white wedding photos she still has on her dressing table.

“Why?” I ask, fascinated by rituals and traditions such as this, “what was wrong with pearls?”

“Pearls are tears, they say. Nonsense. I was covered in them and your grandfather and I had thirty happy years together.

“What happened to me, then…? Not a pearl in sight, and look at what I’m left with.”

There isn’t much to say to that.


“The calendar…” says a friend, “the date. If only you didn’t have to pay attention to it, know what it was…”

I’m inclined to agree, then I wonder about it, more and more as the days before my wedding anniversary melt into one another. I think I’d know, even without a calendar, even without the human encumbrance of time. I think this time of year, these few days late in winter, would be a time of mourning anyway. A time of sadness.

And I do mourn. I don’t let myself think about him enough in detail to ache down to the very marrow of my bones, to miss him in a way that hooks my soul and distends it upward, causing agony I never knew possible in the Before.

My eyes are dry. But I am quiet and silent and unsmiling. I sleep a lot. I wear dark clothes, because I can. Dark eyeliner and little color on my face.

And I wear pearls. Pearls at my earlobes. And two strands of them, wrapped around my wrists. One for each year of tears.

post signature

Leave a Comment

CommentLuv badge

{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }

Anonymous July 26, 2012 at 5:17 pm

That photo of you is beautiful.


Youna July 26, 2012 at 5:58 am

Hugs to you Lori.


Claire July 26, 2012 at 1:33 am

Thinking of you today.


Anonymous July 25, 2012 at 11:31 pm

Thinking of you . I know it hurts too damn much, all the damn time :( Thank you for sharing your journey, and showing that one can survive devastating loss by putting one foot in front of the other. He would be proud of the job you are doing with the Chop and the bumpy thing . Such precious children x x


The Flying Drunken Monkey July 25, 2012 at 10:34 pm

I want to write something beautiful and supportive but I can't find the words.

Just know that I am always thinking of you and am always in awe of your bravery and your ability to keep going on. Huge hugs xxxxxx


Kelloggs Ville July 25, 2012 at 10:06 pm



Anonymous July 25, 2012 at 10:00 pm

I have only recently read your story Lori, but I feel compelled to tell you that by sharing your strength and your weaknesses, you are giving everyone who you touch with your story a gift of strength that is rare and precious. Thankyou. Much love to you.


Something Gorgeous July 25, 2012 at 9:48 pm

One day I hope your that your anniversary will bring memories of happiness and joy. G. X


JulieCottle July 25, 2012 at 9:46 pm

Love to you beautiful xx


Kimmie July 25, 2012 at 9:42 pm

Soft squishy hugs



Trisha July 25, 2012 at 9:17 pm

There is nothing that I can do other than witness your pain. Nothing at all can make it better.

Thinking of you.


Melissa July 25, 2012 at 8:48 pm

Thinking of you today, Lori. Lots of love.


Caroline July 25, 2012 at 6:21 pm

Happy anniversary hun, even though it brings pain and sadness.lots of luv, friendship & hugs


Spagsy July 25, 2012 at 11:44 am

Jelly. Do you feel like jelly?
Transperant. Not a solid. Not a liquid.

I never knew about the pearls- and I'm one of those first generation of migrant parents who can tell u all sorts of superstitions.

Bless you Lori.

Thanks for letting us into your headspace


Previous post:

Next post: