by Lori Dwyer on May 14, 2012 · 14 comments

When it comes down to it…. could you fuck like a bloke? Say thanks, then walk away, as if it were a game of poker you happened to win, with no more emotional investment than that?

At what point does promiscuity become destructive? And who decides when it’s empowering? Not paid, professional work where the women are in control; smiling, naked angels who take these silly men for all their worth. I mean strictly unpaid, and outside the umbrellic cover of a relationship– sex for pure carnal pleasure.

Am I even allowed to talk about the topic…? I’ve talked sex plenty before, but under that embracing cover of intimacy and monogamy. It feels almost ugly to think of the purity of motherhood ruined by hedonism. I feel almost as if this is, still, a sin… if social services knew what I did behind closed doors, when my time is my own and I’m responsible for no one but me, that they would take my children away, afraid of the influence of me on them, determined that what I may be showing them right them now, although they never actually see anything at all- mummy is a completely autonomous human to them; that all that will be damaging for them, not now, but in some far off adulthood that feels as shifting and malleable as the rest of the world.

Is sex a sin? Without any boundaries, and guiding factors… To put it as crudely as it feels, fucking just for the sake of it, simply for the purpose of getting off?

Less than fifty years ago, promiscuity in women was a diagnosable mental health problem, symptomatic of something much bigger. While it’s no longer an exclusive factor fo diagnosis of anything, the stigma sticks, just like it always does… stains people like oil, clogging your pores with is viscousness and refusing to wipe away.

It’s generally assumed that women who choose to sleep around have ’daddy issues’, that they’re insecure or overtly confident; or that a lack of inhibitions and an extremely open mind can’ t possibly coincide with a relationship that is monogamous, fulfilling and intimate beyond blurred levels of physicality.

Is it even possible to accept that a woman might have sex, just for the fun of it? As a hobby, as thrill, as a way of feeling (alive) good. Men can do it with very little exploration of the psychological reasons behind…. Women, not so much.


So… what am I saying here, what tiny secrets am I pouring into the confessional of my blog this time…? That relationships are difficult to the point of impossibility, and cause me far more harm than good, but I’m a sensual kind of person who misses sex? That I’ve discovered anonymous, somewhat kinky sex is right there with riding a motorbike in terms of feeling connected? That I am safe, always safe, in everything, that need to feel alive again tempered by a net of self preservation that no longer feels cloying but is a comfort, a reliable boundary, a buffer to allow me to feel alive again (don’t lay down and die again….) while not worrying that this is going to far, too risky, but myself in danger?

Hell no. I’m not saying any of those things. This is all hypothetical, a story of what might happen to a widow in the sexual prime of her life (men, they peak at eighteen, women at thirty… where is the justice in that?!) who is emotionally incapable of a relationship.

But, as a women with a history of mental illness, I couldn’t possibly tell you that. It might be misconstrued. As self destructive behavior. As the high pitch of a mania. As a desperate stretch for love, trying to fill a literal hole with something that is not tangible.

It might be any of those things too. As I said– where do we draw the line, and who gets to draw it? When is selective promiscuity destructive, and when is it empowering? Isn’t the essence of empowerment taking back control, assessing your situation and finding a way to fulfill your own needs without a dependence on others…?

Nice girls simply don’t do those kind of things. But, unsheathed, that’s a social concept and nothing more.

We’re all just creatures of simple, heated biology.

It’s a very fine line… I can sit on both sides of it.

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{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }

Rhonda May 28, 2012 at 2:01 pm

I think it's a very individual thing. If it doesn't make you feel badly then do it. If it does make you feel in any way badly then don't do it. I think we overthink it too much.


Nicole May 25, 2012 at 11:55 pm

Get laid if you want to Lori. I had sex like a man in my previous life. No regrets. It was fun and empowering. I haven't had sex since I lost Phil in December 2010 but damn am I getting randy!
I just need to get past the "I feel like I am cheating on him" part.
I pity the man I finally do sleep with, I'm probably going to eat him alive.


Draft Queen May 17, 2012 at 11:13 am

Oh gawd. Sweetie, I did that. I wholeheartedly say go for it. So a relationship isn't for you, but that doesn't mean a lady doesn't need to get laid!

You have safety covered. You have your kids covered. To me, that's the mental health aspect. The rest is "taking care of business." I did it. And guys are sometimes a bit put off by the fact you aren't chasing after them like lovesick fools, but who cares. Sex is a biological craving. It releases endorphins, dopamine and seratonin. All things that help you feel good, reduce depression and anxiety.

Just blast Salt N Pepa's None of Your Business and smile :)


Brad May 16, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Mmmm, I haven't tried that 'sex like a bloke' thing. I'm soon going to be open for offers though Lori. Nice, long, passionate love making is severely lacking in my post partner world too. Human instinct I guess.


Connie T. May 16, 2012 at 12:48 am

When I was single, I would do whatever I wanted. I was not hung up about sex. One time I went to see these male dancers. This one dancer came up to talk to me after the show. He was the most sexy and beautiful man I have ever seen. He came home with me. I don't reget it. He was wonderful to look at and he wanted me. I never saw him again, but got a great memory.


Tony May 14, 2012 at 10:57 pm

There are a lot more wierd things going on behind closed doors in this world than a woman having sex to feel alive and a "woman" again. You do what you want, or what you need Lori, I think you will know deep down whether any situation will be mentally safe for you.


Melissa May 14, 2012 at 9:01 pm

I think all that matters is how you feel, before, during and after. If you can shrug it off without any lingering feelings or discomfort – then who cares? But you have to know for yourself if it's good for you or not.


MultipleMum May 14, 2012 at 8:19 pm

Whatever floats your boat Lori. Be discrete. Be safe. Be true to yourself. Everyone needs to have sex. Why would a widow be any different? x


The Spinster May 14, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Yea, your right, the expectations regarding sex and gender give me the pip. Until a few years ago, I had very powerful sexual urges. In fact have had them since I was 14 years old (now 66) and, like seasidechik, had sex with as many blokes whenever and however I wanted, unless I was in a monogamous relationship. Never regretted it and niether did the blokes. Totally ignored any criticism until I didn't even recognise it. The sex did more for my mental, physical and emotional health than any script from the doc. Now the urge has gone and I'm flabbergasted I don't mss it. It was glorious!!


seasidechik May 14, 2012 at 4:22 pm

I used to have sex like a guy. I could put my clothes back on, walk out, maybe have a drink with him first, and never think about him again. I did it before kids, I did it after my first was born, while he was safe, with my mother, and I was safe.I haven't done it since, because I am manogamous, but if circumstances ever lead me to be non manogamous, I would do it again. I am a very sexual person. I enjoy being touched, touching, I just enjoy sex. I don't think that there is anything wrong with that, and I was never ashamed of myself, or my sex life. I didnt scream it from the roof tops, but it wasnt exactly the best kept secret, either.

As long as everyone is safe, who gives a toss? A womans sex life is her own.


Dorothy Krajewski May 14, 2012 at 10:44 am

Tough one, Lori. I know that I feel differently about sex at 43 than I did at 30, although probably I hadn't been through trauma at that stage so can't tell you about that.

I do think that having different "rules" for men and women in terms of what is acceptable behaviour annoys the hell out of me. If I were to make a judgement, it would be in relation to both genders.

Other than that, as long as you're safe, then I guess you need to do what you need to do…


Anonymous May 14, 2012 at 10:39 am

Hypothetically, I'd say go for it :D


Kellie Anderson May 14, 2012 at 10:33 am

To put it bluntly, aren't physical encounters the same as using a vibrator only with lips and a body? If you and the kids are safe, then who cares. A woman has sexual needs too.


Lynda Halliger-Otvos May 14, 2012 at 9:10 am

Safety first. For you and the kids. Sounds like you have those covered. Go for what you want, Lori, it's life in all its rawness and its yours for the taking. You owe no one any explanations as long as the kids and you are safe.

I hope it feels good for you, for whatever part you need to feel good.


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