by Lori Dwyer on June 29, 2012 · 17 comments

Take me away from here for a night… I’ll tell you the basics of who I am, but other than that, I can play pretend…

(Pretend I’m OK, pretend I’m just fine. Pretend my life is secular and I need no one. Shut myself off from the screaming five year old in my mind who will, if I allow her to, burst into sobs and beg to be held…. I’m not her, we don’t even share the same name. I am separate from myself, separate from my responsibilities, separate from my life… tonight I am a painting of myself, I am a filigreed version of my nightmare… I can’t do this for long, it’s a heavy mask to wear and it feels as if it will send me insane…. but while I can hold reality at the length of a tight skirt and heels, I will).

Lay me down and make me purr. As a lover I am submissive in a way I never used to be– the effort is yours, the seduction on your part– that is why I am here. I am strength personified, sun rise to sunset, every day I live now in the After… instruct me, make me feel vulnerable and feminine, lush and objectified; and we’ll play.

Run your hands down the length of the skin I wear like a coat of steel, remind me it’s soft and it can feel sensation as light and pleasant. As a lover I am selfish… I will lay down, smile on my face, and languish in sweeping waves of pleasure for as long as you’ll allow me to. I feel no obligation toward the other psychical being I am clasped with– their pleasure is derived from mine or not at all, and I’ll admit that, gluttonous.

I will lay for hours in the warmth of touch and anonymity… I’ll be a pussy cat stretched out, limbs flayed and vulnerable, stomach warmed by bright morning sunshine and taking warmth greedily; no shadow of guilt, without the slightest inclintative thought of giving any touch, any kiss or caress of my lips, in return.

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{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }

Anonymous July 16, 2012 at 7:48 pm

Hell, I get it.
My trauma was way different, and many would say I ought to never even dream such a thing, because of IT.
Well, they aren't me.
Or, you.


Kirsty Lee July 3, 2012 at 4:07 pm

A woman talking about and ENJOYING sex? Oh dear … the horror! /sarcasm

And actually anyone who is a simpsons fan will totally get what Im about to say… "Won't someone please think of the children" LOL

Beautiful post Lori! ENjoy xx


msdovic June 30, 2012 at 7:44 pm

I don't get it? I thought this was beautifully written…

Very beautifully x


Lori @ RRSAHM June 30, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Lisa, I assure you, I'm safe.
We all take risks, all the time… It's just a matter of making sure they're worth it.


Karen June 30, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Brave and a GREAT read.
Totally enjoy the adult and sexual self that you are!


Anonymous June 30, 2012 at 3:03 am

Not to offend, but I kinda agree with Matt too. Lori you deserve more than random, anonymous sexual activity. If you think it is making you feel better, you are an adult and can make your own decisions obviously. But you could end up in a bad situation that you do not want. And be physically harmed, and that would be just awful. When I was younger I also did crazy things like you have described, I think most of us did. But you have 2 small kids and they need you. Do what makes you feel better, but please try to be selective and super careful. We all want you to be happy. And safe. Lisa


Kimmie June 30, 2012 at 12:30 am

Perhaps this is part of Lori's journey from grief to healing. Accepting that we each have our own preferences, needs, wishes, wounds, tastes and desires gives us the ability to separate people’s choices from their value and worth as individuals.


Melissa June 29, 2012 at 9:10 pm

Beautifully written, as always.


Rachel June 29, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Isn't it great how you're always supposed to be protecting someone's delicate sensibilities? Never mind that they are dead, or can't yet read,or hell may not even exist except in the faux-concerned mind of the scandalized commenter.


Debyl June 29, 2012 at 3:33 pm

I totally understand that while you are purring you are escaping and that is what you need to do at times.
I am so happy you do not feel shame from others words and you feel confident in your self and your words.
Big hugs love.xx


Lori @ RRSAHM June 29, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Matt, as much as everything else on this blog is my honest, multi-faceted truth, written without the censorship of what other people may think, so is this… why is there shame in this, any more than any other human emotion or action I've written?

My children will know the truth of this as much as anything else- I'm OK with that. They'll know I was real and fallible with needs and wants and that's OK, too. I hope that my children will grow up confident in their own sexuality, and if that means being empowered enough to speak freely about it, then so be it.

Matt, my husband was very comfortable with my sexuality, and I can only imagine that whoever I choose to have a relationship with will be the same. No offense, but you're not exactly the type of person I'd want to marry either ;) Any future relationship would have to be someone who's comfortable with overt expressions of sexuality… a woman can be sexually confident without it destroying future chances of a relationship.


Anonymous June 29, 2012 at 2:24 pm

I merely meant that the way a person acts outwardly is going to dictate the type of people that would take notice and be "attracted" to you. So if what Lori wants is a man that will treat her like a princess and adore her (which I think she absolutely deserves) then a post like this one won't attract that sort of man.

Just my opinion. You don't have to agree



Elise June 30, 2012 at 12:09 am

I don't think Matt was trying to be rude or anything. He was putting in his own two cents, of what he felt/saw when he read the post. Something that Lori encourages. :)


Anonymous June 29, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Wow… matt, really?

I cant help but take offense to your judgement and presumption…

Worring about what some future man might think? WTF!! really?!!


Anonymous June 29, 2012 at 12:24 pm

I totally get the wanting to be held, loved, touched, pleasured…….but what you describe in this post is painting yourself as a cheap tart. You are worth more than that.

If your daughter held these same values for herself when she's older, what would you think?

Please don't get me wrong, I think if this is what you want then fine – do it without the advertisement. Imagine your children reading this when they're older. Also imagine the type of man you are attracting with this behaviour? I can tell you from my own perspective (not all men are the same) that a woman with loose morals wouldn't be who I see as my wife and mother of our children..

I guess what I'm trying to say is see yourself in the future – if that's with a man who will love you and respect you, treat your children as part of his family and perhaps even have more children with you – do you think portraying yourself in this light will attract that sort of man? I think you are worth a lot more than that.



Kellie Anderson June 29, 2012 at 10:36 am

Enjoy it, hun. You deserve it. x


Eccles June 29, 2012 at 5:42 pm

This is not about the future & what that holds. This is about 'now'! About skin & warmth & just being. It's about being outside of your head, for as long as it lasts, as long as it can be made to last. Enjoy this for as long as you can! xx


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