Six Months In.

by Lori Dwyer on February 25, 2014 · 6 comments

“Never regret thy fall, 
O Icar
us of the fearless flight
For the greatest tragedy of them all
Is never to feel the burning light”
Oscar Wilde


I look at this new life that we’re living. I assess what we have… what we’ve lost and what we’ve gained. There have been big shifts and little ones.

Earth shattering geographical changes- a new address, a new state. New words- kindergarten has become prep, scallops are potato cakes.

And then there’s the subtle things. The differences in behaviour that are almost impossible to notice if you’re not in the vortex of this little family of ours.

My children are closer to me, but not as close to each other. My son has blossomed and bloomed at his new school, his eyes opened to a far bigger world than what he once had. My daughter has become more flexible, more social. She is learning about change, the good and bad of it. The painful and the pleasant.

And I’m… older. More secure but somehow more scattered, much more of a mess. I feel loved and protected now. But that means dealing with a whole heap of stuff that just keeps coming. My mind vomits up all this crap, all this pain, all this stuff I never properly dealt with, and it just won’t stop. I no longer feel on edge all the time, taut and strung with my own emotions.

But relaxing hurts the muscles of my mind. Loving someone again leaves me all kinds of vulnerable and that’s difficult.

Sometimes everything hurts so much and I feel like a dick for giving up the little life we had in TinyTrainTown. I want to run screaming back to New South Wales and lose myself in a pain that might hurt less than healing does.

And then I look at what we’ve got. My kids will be the first to tell you they have a ‘new daddy’ and they love that. My son, especially. “Come with me,” he tells his friends, “I have to show you my dad!” He’s so proud of having one again. He’s so happy to be just like everyone else. It’s not something we’ve ever suggested to him- the whole idea of a ‘new daddy’ is something he’s come up with all by himself. And for his sake, I’m happy to let him run with that.

My kids love this city, and they both affectionately call it ‘ours’. Six months in and they no longer mourn for the life they had, even if sometimes I still do.

I’m still not sure if I’ve done the right thing, moving us all so far away. There’s not much I know for sure at all. But I do know my children are loved and happy. And that change is inevitable. And that the experiences we’ve had since moving here have taught all of us a lot. About each other, and about ourselves. Maybe there is no right or wrong here. Maybe there isn’t, when it comes to change and changing. Maybe what we’ve lost is worth what we’ve gained.

And, almost certainly, I’ll never know for sure. So we just keep aiming for happy. And managing any collateral damage as we go.

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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

jeanie March 3, 2014 at 11:42 pm

Hugs to you – I have so many drafts regarding indecision and blocks in my path – taking the path is not a thing to regret, because you are watching it evolve all around you, scary though it may be.
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Rebecca February 26, 2014 at 11:48 am

Embrace what you have Lori, I think it sounds good :) Sometimes I float about with what ifs.. should I…if only…is this the right place…I think we need to live more in the moment x x xlots of love Rebecca x


Kellie Anderson February 26, 2014 at 11:06 am

Keep moving forward, hun… no good comes from looking at the past xx
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Marianne February 26, 2014 at 2:39 am

I think you have a little bit of rose-tinted vision when looking back at Tiny Train Town. I know you needed the peace and quiet to heal…but you eventually got soooooo lonely.
This is better. Stuff to do. Places to go. People to see. Someone to love.
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Sue February 25, 2014 at 3:16 pm

Every decision that you make is always based on the facts that are in front of you at that moment. Often we question ourselves later because hindsight is always 20-20.
As you stated change is inevitable and this is a change that felt right for you at that moment, so enjoy your new life and don’t stress the small stuff.


Sarah K Reece February 25, 2014 at 2:32 pm

Beautiful poem. I hear you. One of the things I like to do when I’m balancing current pain again remembered pain is to go back and read old journals (or blog posts) from that time. Without the distance or perspective, they’re often intense in a way I’d forgotten and bring some clarity to my comparisons.
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