Sleeping Like The Dead.

by Lori Dwyer on May 17, 2011 · 30 comments

Something incredible has happened.

It’s been just over a week since I took a sleeping tablet.

Sleep… it’s amazing. I didn’t realise how much I missed it.

Ever since the beginning of the After, sleep has been such a bitch. I didn’t sleep so much as die for a few hours, knocked out cold by muscle paralyzing sleeping pills that made me drool and sweat and saw me virtually unable to move from the position I fell asleep in.

But what a blessing those little orange pills (rope..) were. I didn’t care that I woke not feeling like I slept, or dreamt, or gone anywhere but the blackest, deepest part of my mind, where I replayed the last few minutes of my husband’s life over and over, where I got lost in the delusional hate in his eyes.

But that was better than before the pills, the first week or so.. when I couldn’t sleep without waking up sobbing from nightmares. When getting to sleep quite literally took hours, because every time I closed my eyes I’d see that blue shirt, that orange rope,the feel of the dead weight of his body swinging slightly, rope creaking, as I shook him (that feeling, his shirt beneath my hand… I’ll never forget it, as long as I live, it’s branded onto my brain, stuck there with the tar of trauma)…. the obsoletion that came with the pills, it was better than all that.

Anything would have been better than that.

But the last week or so…. I have slept. The only dreams I’ve had involve children’s TV, which, while not exactly awesome, is far preferable to nightmares.

I sleep, for hours. Ten hours here, another three hours there. I sleep peacefully, and I fall asleep the way I used to, in the Before- counting my blessings.

There may not be a whole lot of them, right now. But there’s enough to count.

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{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }

Andrea May 23, 2011 at 11:44 am

It has been a while since I popped in to see how you are going – and very pleased to read this post. It makes me smile. You have come a long way it seems. Sleep is such a good healer, to be able to sleep freely is such a blessing. Very happy for you. hug


Leanne May 19, 2011 at 2:30 pm

Yay for sleep – sleep is good :) Happy dreams to you.


Wanderlust May 19, 2011 at 1:45 am

Awesome. Sleep heals. xo

Reply May 18, 2011 at 6:39 pm

You know that image that is burned into your brain every time you shut your eyes? Well it does eventually go away. I reckon it takes about a year. Now it is not the last thing I see before I go to sleep. Although I can still conjure it up at will … (like now).


River May 18, 2011 at 5:45 pm

This is great news. Sleep is such a great healer, just like laughter.

I had a customer at my checkout this morning who looked a lot like you, I thought it was you until I looked again and noticed she was a little taller, a little heavier.


Kelloggsville May 18, 2011 at 5:20 pm

The whole importance of sleep for our bodies and well being never fails to amaze me. Glad some has arrived for you.


allison tait May 18, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Hooray! Chalk one up for you Lori.


Crystal Cheverie May 19, 2011 at 1:02 am

So good to hear that you're sleeping without help from pills again. Definitely a sign of healing.

As for your blessings, I've noticed that once you actively start to count them, like really sit down and make a list (I've had to do this I don't know how many times in order to give myself a boost), you can usually come up with more than you realize.

HUG!!!! Love to you and the kiddoes as always.


Melody May 18, 2011 at 3:00 pm

Sleep. It can be a beautiful thing.


Maxabella May 18, 2011 at 2:32 pm

That's a massive win, Lori. x


Lirio Jaguar May 18, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Marvellous! xxx


Miss Pink May 18, 2011 at 1:54 pm

I am an insomniac. The most frustrating part is i am not someone who sits up till late at night, doing this, or that. I am not someone who gets up at the crack of dawn to get a morning work out in either. I just lay in bed hour after hour unable to sleep. It's the worst.
I am glad you are sleeping so well again. Sleep deprivation only aids the crazy we all have inside.


Glowless @ Where’s My Glow May 18, 2011 at 12:26 pm

I hope you didn't dream of Makka Pakka… he freaks me out.
Ni ni xxx


Mary May 18, 2011 at 10:07 pm

Healing is the word that occurred to me to.

Isn't it a beautiful word?


Jane May 18, 2011 at 11:36 am

This is great news. I'm so happy to hear that you're getting some more peaceful rest xxx


MaidInAustralia May 18, 2011 at 10:24 am

Everything looks/feels better when you get enough sleep. And not just sleep, but good quality sleep. So glad you are getting some!


Anneke May 18, 2011 at 10:17 am

Hi, all the way from Canada! Every morning when I take the bus to work, I listen to my ipod. And when this song comes on, I always think of you. I know its not an exact match to your situation, but some of the words ring true.

I think you are amazing. And I think its amazing that from across the world, every day, your in my thoughts. Your writing and outreach has done that. Touched a person that you have never met, and have put yourself in the thoughts of others. You deserve amazing things in this life. You are judged for your present, not your past, and I think you are a beautiful woman.


Jenny May 18, 2011 at 10:09 am

I just feel so happy for you!


Melissa May 18, 2011 at 8:31 am

oh that's the best news I've heard all day. keep counting those blessings and I hope lots of happy dreams find you.


Adalita May 18, 2011 at 7:24 am

I'm glad you are slowly finding peace. HUGS love Adalita


Karen May 18, 2011 at 4:41 am

Happy uplifting news!! x


Good Golly Miss Holly! May 18, 2011 at 2:11 pm

This makes my heart sing for you, Lori ♥


Hear Mum Roar May 17, 2011 at 11:37 pm

What a gigantic blessing! And how much do so many of us take such a simple, basic necessity for granted until we are reminded like this? I'm so happy for you Lori, this is coming together for you, slowly, piece by piece.


cassey May 17, 2011 at 11:31 pm

Yay for sleep. :)


Newmumma May 17, 2011 at 11:31 pm

If only everyone spoke as honestly as you do hun. I read all your posts and despite all the trauma you have endured you are healing and moving on. inspiring. xx


Fox in the City May 17, 2011 at 11:09 pm

Sleep is such a wonderfully healing thing. Dreams of childrens TV, while annoying, at least are rather light and fluffy.
Thinking of you, Bump and Chop.


Suz @ Segovia and The I Love You Song May 17, 2011 at 11:04 pm

Sleep helps heal Lori. I'm so glad that you are sleeping xx


Stephani May 18, 2011 at 2:48 am

Glad to hear Lori. Good for you. XOXO


Mrs Woog May 17, 2011 at 11:16 pm

Good. For. You. Zzzzzzzzz


misssy m May 17, 2011 at 11:16 pm

Sleep helps everything get a little better. You are healing. I read every post Lori but I never know what to say- what can i say about anything you are going through- but every so often there are signs that you are beginning to heal and this is one. Love to you- you are amazing. xgillian


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