So, you wanna know what’s painful…?

by Lori Dwyer on August 9, 2010 · 41 comments


The disclosure: You probably don’t want to read this post. (I say that a lot, yes?) It’s one of those posts where I over-share. Again. Surely we’re all used to that to that by now….? Whatever. Those with sensitive or *snort* anal dispositions, read at your own risk. So on and so forth. Yadda yadda yadda.

In fact, to avoid any further possible embarrassment to anyone concerned (myself especially). I am going to write the rest of this post in a teeny, tiny little voice. And maybe no one will hear it at all….

You may have noticed me bitching and whinging on Twitter last week about being in horrible, agonizing, debilitating constant pain. A bit much, you say? Surely Lori is exaggerating (again)? Yes? Well, no…

You know what’s really, really painful?

Well… *ahem*… hemorrhoids.

You know what’s even more painful…?

Infected hemorrhoids.

And you know what’s even worse than that?

Infected hemorrhoids with a thrombosis (Google it– I dare you.)

Could it get any worse…?

Well, yes, actually, it could. When, by some bizarre law of that-is-really-fucked-upedness, you could also get a boil on your butt cheek.

Not even joking.

And, why, let’s throw Aunt Flo into the ring (so to speak). Bitch. For the first time in almost two years.

And what could possible get  more embarrassing that all of that put together? More embarrassing than multiple doctors visits that required rubber gloves….?

You guessed it. An energetic, loud and undeniably cute two year old, bouncing around the packed doctor’s waiting room, singing at the top of his little lungs,

“Mummy’s got a sore bum! Mummy’s got a sore bum!”

Oh yeah. Last week kinda sucked. Things still kinda suck. And it still hurts- a lot- but on the bright side, at least now I can actually sit down and blog without bursting into tears. Just as long as I have my comfy rubber donut ring. (Stop laughing at me, OK? I can hear you all from here.)

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{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }

Bronnie and family October 5, 2010 at 1:19 pm

Haha … When I had the colonoscopy I treated myself to as a 40th birthday present (I know!) my son kept telling everyone gleefully: 'Mum's getting a camera stuck up her butt!' There are no secrets once you become a mother.


georgiabe August 15, 2010 at 4:42 am

ouch! I'm giggling on my end…but only because I get to see the doc on monday for my own sore bottom! It looks like surgery for me–OUCH!


Alex August 13, 2010 at 9:09 pm

Ba ha ha ha ha ha ha ha – sorry, but (butt!) ha ha ha ha.



So Now What? August 13, 2010 at 7:11 pm

Oh dear. Bright side, those rubber rings come in handy when you are down a pool toy. Seriously though, it sucks that it all happens at once. And down there, we just have to grin and bear it.

Take care x


Michelle August 13, 2010 at 8:29 am

Thank goodness for the rubber ring! ((((Lori))) Happy FloYoBlog Friday! Mich x


Langdowns August 13, 2010 at 7:47 am

Ouch! That really sucks. I seriously feel for you. Thanks so much for sharing. No really. When it's my turn I'll know I'm not alone … L


Cynthia August 12, 2010 at 1:21 am

OMG I ALWAYS ALWAYS said – I can handle 17 hours of labour without drugs, having an emergency c-section after all that but haemorroids???? Its the WORST PAIN..sympathies….have you tried ultra sound? I swear by just helped reduce the inflammation. Hang in there..a few more days and it'd be over!!


Maxabella August 10, 2010 at 12:01 pm

I confess that I laughed a little tiny bit. Just a snort here and there. I mean, could it get any worse than that? You have to laugh or you'd cry. But then, I'm having a little cry too because sob I can't imagine the pain you're in sob and that shit just ain't right. The whole arse thing at once is an arsehole for sure.


Jodie at Mummy Mayhem August 10, 2010 at 11:46 am

Sorry hon. I can't help but laugh, but I'm sure it was SO not funny an experience for you!

Hope you're on the mend. xx


In Real Life August 10, 2010 at 11:19 am

Yikes! That sounds horrible! Hope you're feeling better soon!


Draft Queen August 10, 2010 at 8:50 am

Oh man. Ouch.


Jasmine August 10, 2010 at 11:40 am

Ahahahha god. I just blogged about my postnatal experience of hemorrhoids. The whole time I was wondering if it was perhaps too much info.

My doctor not only suggested I was still "very loose down there" but also went on to poke at my hemorrhoids and tell me they were 'sentinels' that might need to be removed by surgery.

The horror. The horror!


Katie August 9, 2010 at 11:52 pm

Is it weird to say to someone you've only ever met on the internet that you are sending a great big hug to their hiney? If not, I am sending a great big hug to your hiney.
If so, to darn bad. Hiney hugs all around.


Lauren August 9, 2010 at 10:58 pm

My sister and I always analyse our "grape-shot" after birthing a baby… How come no one warned us of haemorrhoids BEFORE we got pregnant?


MultipleMum August 9, 2010 at 10:37 pm

I told you you are not alone! It will heal and the pain will go. As for the Nurofen and BF thing – I have only just weaned the twins after 19 months. I was taking Nurofen when I was BFing. Mothersafe said I could!


MultipleMum August 9, 2010 at 9:56 pm

God I hear you! Ouch central!!

Try this for size:


Kell August 9, 2010 at 7:18 pm

Oh no Lori! Hope it all gets better soon. Love the song. They are so funny when they make up songs but maybe not so funny in that situation. I did have a giggle at that part.


jo August 9, 2010 at 7:17 pm

effing hell that is bad! big love form here!!


Sarah August 9, 2010 at 7:13 pm

Ow ow ow ow!!! I hope you're feeling a bit better now *hug*


jfb57 August 9, 2010 at 6:21 pm

Brill post! You have ALL my sympathies because they are so painful & when you're asked what the problem is you are even more embarrased & that makes them even more painful! Hugs!


Mama Cass August 9, 2010 at 2:46 pm

Certainly brings new meaning to the saying 'pain in the arse'! I hear you – I had them recently… but minus the infection or the thrombosis. Nasty!


x0xJ August 9, 2010 at 1:55 pm

I did not laugh at all. I just sat here thinking SHIT i hope they can fix yer bum!


The Empress August 9, 2010 at 1:51 pm

Oh, that is so awful it sounds like a curse from some travelling gypsy you pissed off.

That is all kinds of horrible, on every level that exists.

I really feel for you with this one…


Jacki August 9, 2010 at 1:00 pm

Oh my goodness, you poor thing. Your funny post is testament to just how strong and hilarious you are – to be able to see the lighter side of things when you're in pain says a lot about you.


Catherine F. August 9, 2010 at 12:33 pm

ooooh the sight of rubber gloves makes me shudder. Surprisingly, the thought of rubber gloves is worse! Anything down that part of your body just sucks! I agree with Lucy though – get the good stuff down your neck to stop the thrush and another opportunity for a gloved hand!


Amy xxoo August 9, 2010 at 12:20 pm

Good gravy woman – you sure know how to have fun, dont you? Or not. My sympathies to you and your bottom.


Brenda August 9, 2010 at 12:00 pm

I feel for you, babe. I truly truly do. Hehe.


lori August 9, 2010 at 11:55 am

Oh my, I've missed alot the past couple weeks! A sore bum is nothing to laugh at. And Aunt Flo too?? Wow, you poor thing! Hope you feel better soon!


Wanderlust August 9, 2010 at 11:41 am

Owie! Not laughing (much). Hope you mend soon. xx


Lucy August 9, 2010 at 9:58 am

Ypu poor love. All those hormones leaving and arriving. You need more sleep and a lot of TLC.

Hope those kick arse AB's don't give you thrush babe….get thee some Inner Health happening…


lacochran’s evil twin August 9, 2010 at 9:41 am

I've heard that those donut thingies actually do more damage then good by creating more pressure on the critical area. I hope that's not true but that's what I've heard.


Being Me August 9, 2010 at 9:27 am

Ow-ow-ow! All sounds ghastly, you poor love.


Thea August 9, 2010 at 9:14 am



alliecat August 9, 2010 at 8:58 am

OMG trust me, I am NOT laughing. You poor thing, and for Aunt Flo to make her grand reappearance now, well surely God is a man afterall. So not funny, I hope you get it all sorted out. And soon.


Adalita August 9, 2010 at 7:31 am

I had boils as a teenager. So I sympathise with you. Hugs. I hope your "sore bum" feels better.


Mrs Woog August 9, 2010 at 12:10 pm

So, can I ask how your sex-life was last week?


CoffeeJitters (Judy Haley) August 9, 2010 at 11:48 am

I know you always sign off the end of the post with the pink jelly bean, but… ;)

having been both pregnant and through chemo, trust me, I can relate to your pain right now


Toni August 9, 2010 at 9:45 am

NOT laughing. Not even a titter. OW!


Eva Gallant August 9, 2010 at 9:04 am

Talk about a pain in the ass!


Madmother August 9, 2010 at 8:34 am

Umm, I don't own a donut thingy but saw multitudes in the hospital. Hell – gotta be an up-side to the ole C/S.

Haemorrhoids are fun, ain't they.

Punishment for all the kinky sex, lol. PMSL.


JourneyBeyondSurvival August 9, 2010 at 7:11 am

You do know MrsFatass right? She had the same thing! Her post is right there (linked on her name) It may make you feel better. Or it may just give you someone to commiserate with. :)


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