Start with ABC.

by Lori Dwyer on March 17, 2011 · 49 comments

This weekend, the 19th March, I’m speaking at the first ever Aussie Bloggers Conference.

I’m being sponsored by the awesome people at Bamboo Village, who were on to RRSAHM Before. And I love them, eternally, for that. Please, go check out their bamboolicious stuff, it’s beautiful.

I’m a crowd sourced Key Note Speaker, reading out loud a blog post of mine- ironically, The Black Dog.

I’m also a panelist on the My Blog, My Story panel.

I am fucking terrified.

But I’m doing it.

When I was preparing questions to prompt me for the My Blog, My Story panel, the one that kept popping into my mind was “What made you decide to continue blogging?”.

It sat so wrong with me. But I wrote it down anyway. Because if I were someone else, reading my blog… that’s what I’d be asking.

Why? Why to begin with? And certainly why did I keep going, after it all blew up in my face, and this blog became a focused reason for the people I know In Real Life to hate me?

In the last nine and half weeks, I’ve asked myself, quite a few times “Is this where I stop? Is this the point to give it up?”.

I didn’t want to do that, leave the blogging world that means so much to me in a hysterical, burning ball of ugly, disjointed posts. And I certainly wasn’t giving this place up just because it made people uncomfortable, or it made them angry.

People would have been uncomfortable with me, and angry in my direction, anyway. At least here, I have a platform to speak. To state my point of view. To talk and be real… to not let the silence surrounding this suffocate me.

The first night, the first post I did… I didn’t make a conscious choice, there, to continue blogging or not. I wasn’t blogging, when I wrote that post- I was begging for prayer and healing thoughts. I believe in both of those things… I believe that enough people, thinking the same thought, can effect the world.

That night… I don’t remember much of it. I left the hospital at about 7pm, left Tony in the ICU, stabilised. And returned to a friends house….

As I said, I don’t remember much. I remember the horror of it, feeling like I would explode. The ugly of it, the bite that came with every thought.

And I remember blogging, writing, tears streaming down my face. Calling to the people who were my friends, to help me, to bear this with me.

And that’s what I got. A murmur that became a crowd that became a heartbeat of support. Comments, emails, posts… money raised. Enough money raised to pay out one of our cars. Enough money to buffer us, so i didn’t have to think and stress about how I would pay the electricity bill, when I couldn’t even remember to brush my teeth.

And love… unconditional, supportive love. From you lot. This blog, it kept me going in my darkest bits, when I felt all alone, when I couldn’t breath from the pain.. I came here.

I’ve mentioned before, the afternoon this happened… I lost everything. Everything about me. Wife Lori, Mum Lori… the one thing I kept was Blogging Lori. Writing Lori. The part of me that loves to string words together so they bump into one another and overlap; to share and over share the goings on of my once normal, mundane little world…

I didn’t lose that. And my community, here, I didn’t lose that.

They were the only things, especially in the first six weeks, that provided me with any self esteem. The only things that made me feel worth something again.

And the Bloggers Conference… when Tony died, there was nothing certain in my future. Nothing except that date. The 19th March. It was so far away. It was so important, to me. If I could make it, till then, till the Conference..

Then maybe I could make it.

And, dammit, I have.

I’ve deliberated over what Tony would have thought about this, many a time, especially when I’ve been accused of making him turn in his not-so-literal grave. At the beginning, before that Ugly post, I was positive he would have wanted me to go the Conference, no matter what… he knew how important it was to me.

And he was so proud of me.

I think it comes down to that. He probably wouldn’t have liked that post that I wrote, because he would have been damn ashamed of what he’d done. fair call. But he would copped it, like a man, cause that’s the kind of bloke he was.

And he was always proud of me, for telling the truth. For writing the way I did. For putting myself out there. he was always proud of me, for that.

And I know- I’ve known, since he died- that he will be there with me, on Saturday. Every scary, overwhelming step of the way. (People, too many people, too much noise, people brushing against me.. it’s all too much at the moment. Forgive me if, occasionally, I run away for a bit. I’ll be back).

And he’d want me to meet my friends.

Because he knew, how important you are all to me. My ‘imaginary friends’ he called you, but he knew each one of you,. and your blogs, and trials and tribulations. he loved this world that I was part of, that I was so good at…

He was proud of me. And I know he’d be proud of you lot too. For being awesome. For giving me continual love and support. For helping his family in a thousand ways, when a lot of the people in his Real Life did not (didn’t he always say he had no one, not one true friend except me that loved him for him..?)

He’d be proud of you lot. And so, so thankful.

And I am, too.

So.. in case I forget, or get tongue tied, or there is just too much to say… that’s what I mean, when I speak at the Bloggers Conference.

I love you all.

You are truly awesome.

And then’s nothing more to it than that.

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{ 49 comments… read them below or add one }

salwa April 8, 2011 at 9:43 am

You're amazing.


Helena March 21, 2011 at 9:09 pm

that was beautiful! :) good luck chicky! i wish i was there!


Cate March 20, 2011 at 11:44 am

So wishing I could be there to give you both a hug and a standing ovation. Hope that the weekend is an absolute blessing to your soul.


Yules March 19, 2011 at 2:38 am

Another one in the standing ovation saying you're fycking awesome!!


Abby March 18, 2011 at 10:45 pm

You are awesome Lori.. 'Nuff said


Hear Mum Roar March 18, 2011 at 6:39 pm

I hope you have a great time, and I'm sure if you need to take a moment for yourself at any time, as many times as you need to, all the lovely attendants will understand. I won't be going this year, but I wish everyone the loveliest time


SJ March 18, 2011 at 1:51 pm

You'll rock it Lori!


Andrea March 18, 2011 at 12:49 pm

I 'm so glad for you that you are going, and glad for you that your blogging community has helped you through. It sounds like it has been quite an isolating ride at times.

Have fun, enjoy it, have lots of lovely dinners with new/old people….smile and laugh, and cry just as much as you need to. I'm sure there will be plenty of those hugs you've been needing too!!


Watercolor March 18, 2011 at 12:44 pm

You will do awesome!!!!


rageagainsttheblackdog March 18, 2011 at 10:34 am

Awesome post Lori.

Good luck at the conference. I am sure that you will be an awesome panelist. I hope you make lots of good memories.


Marianna Annadanna March 18, 2011 at 10:05 am

So jealous! I wish I could go too! You need to come to Canada! Ya know, REALLY conquer that fear of flying ;)

Tony would be SO proud of you. Hell, we're immensely proud of you, and many of us don't even know you in Real Life. He'd be more than proud. He'd be thrilled.

Remember what you said in your "Speak" post? Something about how you were proud of yourself for simply speaking from your heart and speaking the truth.

You'll be amazing, as always. You're my hero.

Sending good luck your way this time :)
xo Marianna


robinsonp March 18, 2011 at 9:00 pm

That was beautiful Lori be proud of yourself take a deep breath and talk to your friends


Watershedd March 18, 2011 at 8:39 am

There'll be a room full of friends with you on Saturday, from my GOFA who will be up there with you, to me in the back tow. We are no less real than anyone you've met face to face. Looking forward to hearing you read.


Janet NZ March 18, 2011 at 7:19 am

I wish I could be there too! But I have great faith in your fabulosity. I will be cheering you from here xxx


In Real Life March 18, 2011 at 5:40 am

I wish that I could be there, but Canada is awfully far away. You are going to knock their socks off! You totally rock! I can't wait to hear all about it!


Melissa March 18, 2011 at 2:19 am

You go girl – I hope you rock their socks. I know you will :)
Have a great rtip and I hope you are awash in a sea of love and support.
Wish I could be there to cheer for you.


Steph(anie) March 18, 2011 at 1:56 am

I wish I could be there, but California is pretty far from there.


Lolaferrola March 17, 2011 at 11:55 pm

Good luck for Saturday, you are very brave and I am sure you will be awesome


Sarah March 17, 2011 at 11:10 pm

I wish I could be there. Savour every moment. You'll be awesome.


mummabear1970 March 17, 2011 at 11:02 pm

Lori – you go girl……I wish I was going to be at the conference to listen to you speak……you already have the respect of us, your readers……I am in awe of how you have been able to get your words together when your world has fallen apart. Best of luck – we are there with you in spirit – I reckon there will be tears all round and hugs aplenty if they are not too overwhelming for you. xx


Salamander March 17, 2011 at 10:24 pm

I wish with all my might I was going to the conference, just so I could listen to you speak. But I am sending all the love and hugs I can muster to wish you good luck!! And thank your lucky stars I won't be there in person, because you really don't need an ugly crier in the room – trust me!! xxxxxxxx


Kristina Hughes March 17, 2011 at 10:17 pm

Go for it Lori! You'll be amazing. You have an incredible and rare talent of touching people's hearts with your honesty and brilliant writing. Enjoy it! This is YOUR day – thoroughly deserved xxx


Miss Pink March 17, 2011 at 9:25 pm

Oh tears. You touched my heart with that one.
But i won't be at the conference :( I hope we can still catch up soon-ish? When you're ready? Just a coffee and a hug? It's up to you ok, i won't badger, but i've wanted to reach out to you so much since even in the before. I'm just incredibly shy and yes even you scare me! Lol.


scribblingmum March 17, 2011 at 9:04 pm

Congratulations, I'm sure Tony will be very very proud of you and you should be too. I can imagine that it's quite a scary thought, even just being so many people there, but you'll be fine, deep breath and maybe even try and enjoy it. Be thinking of you x


Suz March 17, 2011 at 9:00 pm

Love right back to you Lori. I am so glad I will hear you speak. And I think you are right, he would be so proud of you. And you know what, when your kids are grown and they look back through their mummy's life After, they will be so very proud of you too. xxxx


tattoomummy March 18, 2011 at 7:47 am

That brought tears to my eyes. Good on you for still going. And good on you for knowing he would be proud of you. Don't let annyone tell you to stop being who you are.


Squiggly Rainbow March 17, 2011 at 8:25 pm

You know something, your words are blessing others out here. It is a blessing to read your story. It is sad and hard that you have had to grow through this in life. But your words are blessing many. Thankyou Lori xo


Car March 17, 2011 at 8:11 pm

OMG, how bad is my spelling tonight (sorry about that)


Car March 17, 2011 at 8:10 pm

Good luck this weekend, Ithik you will do great! Youve inspited many people and I for one have become more honest in my own blogging (even went so far as linking my new blog to my fluffy craft blog ;) I have you to thank for giving me the courage to finally do it.

Muchlove and strength to you Lori


Lavender Hearts March 17, 2011 at 7:34 pm

That's great Lori, so great you'll be going. I think every single one of us is proud of you.


Glowless @ Where’s My Glow March 17, 2011 at 7:32 pm

Can't wait to see you again lovely. You'll do fine. You will have a room full of people buoying you, and if you break down and cry, remember to look up because wefbe with you, holding you high. I'm bringing tissues.


Amy xxoo March 17, 2011 at 7:31 pm

I'm wishing you all the good luck i can muster. I wont be there to hear you speak, but i'm sure you'll do amazingly well…


Being Me March 17, 2011 at 7:30 pm

There's a quote that reminds me of you and this particular leg of your life's journey. It is: "Stay the course, light a star, change the world wherever you are."

You're changing the world, Lori.


Leah March 17, 2011 at 7:23 pm

I only found your blog a few weeks ago, but I'd love to hear you talk at the conference, makes me wish I was going. Nothing but the highest respect for what you write. I hope the conference is a great experience for you.


Kelloggsville March 17, 2011 at 7:13 pm

How great it will be to do it. You do write well, it flows, it is easy to read. I don't see words I see the pictures of what you are describing. It would be awesome to hear you read. I wonder if they record it. What I like is your conviction that blogging these experiences has been good for you. There have been times I have worried that it wasn't helping. I am so happy to be wrong! I'm looking forward to the post conference post already. Sending lots of love as ever xxx


A Daft Scots Lass March 17, 2011 at 6:42 pm

all the best you'll do fine and say hello to Magneto bold too for me.



Donna March 17, 2011 at 6:28 pm

Inspirational, as always Lori…

I hope this weekend you feel the love, you deserve it xx


Penny March 17, 2011 at 6:22 pm

That is so so cool that you have been given this opportunity, I'm so happy for you and I so wish I could be there to hear you


Megan Blandford March 17, 2011 at 6:02 pm

Beautifully said. I can't wait to meet you and hear you speak. That sea of faces out there will be full of support and love for you. x


Ms Styling You March 17, 2011 at 5:28 pm

Lori, I'm just one of the hundreds who have been here in the background the last 9.5 weeks. We'll be in that room on Saturday supporting you too. I'm looking forward to meeting you.


Misfits Vintage March 17, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Wow. Rock the fuck ON Lori. You are amazing. I am tempted to jump in my car and drive up there and gatecrash, just so I can be there for your standing ovation.

Sarah xxx


Photographer Mum March 17, 2011 at 4:39 pm

I wouldn't be surprised if you got a standing ovation after your talk. For someone to go through what you have, and then be able to speak publicly so soon after such a rough patch in your life, is a feat many wouldn't conquer. You have shown unbelievable strength and courage in this time, and I am pretty sure that all your followers will agree, even though you don't feel that yourself. Just remember to breathe and take your time. Pause if you need to. I wish I was going to the conference, but sadly I am not. Wishing you the best of Luck.



Lucy March 17, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Cannot wait to finally meet you in real life so that we stop being "imaginary" and juggle the "real". xx


phonakins March 17, 2011 at 4:24 pm

You'll go well.. You may cry, but you'll rock them.


New Outlook Fitness March 17, 2011 at 4:20 pm

Congratulations. Thanks for being so honest with all your fabulous posts! Good luck, knock em dead ;)


Mrs Woog March 17, 2011 at 8:25 pm

I love you too poppet x


Toni March 17, 2011 at 5:22 pm

I'd be standing, along with the rest of them, cheering while the tears run down my face.
You GO, girl.


Good Golly Miss Holly! March 17, 2011 at 4:57 pm

Oh Lori, you get me everytime. Your writing is just so wonderful, you are so wonderful. I can't wait to give you a big hug on Saturday night … maybe grope you abit too? ;)


Madmother March 17, 2011 at 4:27 pm

I wish I was going just to meet you in person.

And Kristin.


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