Strange and Unusual Punishment for Small Children.

by Lori Dwyer on October 27, 2010 · 18 comments

Howdly doodly,

As we know, if we’ve been reading along, I worked at the Baby and Toddler Show last this weekend a while ago now, peddling lovely soft pretty cloth nappies (diapers, whatever). I was also paid in cloth nappies (diapers, whatever)- the joy!! And I got to spend the entire day talking to people about cloth nappies (diapers, whatever. I’ll stop that now, it’s getting annoying, yes?). People who actually wanted to listen (most of them) and didn’t just roll their eyes at me and say “Whatever, Lori.”

That’s why I like my blog so much, really. I get to talk and talk about crap and you all listen to me. And if you don’t, I’m blissfully unaware of it.

Anyways. Because the Man decided to have attitude and p*ss me off when I rang him on my lunch break, and because I was wearing an empire line shirt and about 400 hundred people asked me if I was pregnant, I decided to go shopping once my shift finished. Real shopping, window shopping, and sample shopping. Awesomeness.

I came away with quite a haul. I won’t bore you the details. What I will bore you with is a list of the strangest, most bizarre and useless products I found today (well, not actually today, but it was today back when I wrote this. If you catch my drift.). Products that you will pay a small fortune for, use twice and then wonder “What was I smoking when I bought this…?”

Strange and Unusual Punishment Products for Small Children  (And Their Parents).

The towel apron. So good in theory. So expensive, cumbersome and make-you-look-like-a-wanker in reality. But at least you look like a wanker* in the privacy of your own home.

Children’s Beach Poncho With Attached Hat. I’m quite disappointed I couldn’t find a link for these, or a picture of them. And I didn’t want to ask for a pamphlet because the woman selling them looked damn scary. Suffice to say, they are beach wear for your toddler that looks almost like a burqua with a brim. They are another one of these ideas that are great in theory, but make you- and, more importantly, your child- look very much like a wanker. And this time, it’s out in public.

Baby Wings. For baby BatMen, obviously. These are the equivalent of a half-straight jacket with a hole for a dummy.

The Woombie. Evidently, this is the full version of the baby straight-jacket. The people selling these actually had a real, live baby on display table, wearing his straight-jacket Woombie. With a sign saying “Yes, this is a real live baby!”. I only wish I’d taken a photo.(And we worry about exploiting our kids on our blogs…)

Electric Nasal Aspirator. I can only imagine how terrifying this must be. Every time I saw the Snottie people (seriously…?), my mind make the connection to ancient Egyptians pulling brains out through people’s noses to prepare them for mummification. I’m still not sure why.

Child Tracker. Sadly, these guys weren’t at this show, but I did see them the last time I went. I’m imagining-nay, hoping!- they’ve gone out of business. Helicopter parents, unite,  hover, and beep your children as soon as they pass the point where the eyes in the back of your head can no longer see them. Your child may just end up with a strange, maternal aversion to alarm clocks and microwaves when they hit their teenage years, but that’s OK. At least you know they were always, always very safe and didn’t get into any potentially scarring, adventurous mischief as a three year old.

Baby Water. Like dog water, kind of, only not. It’s water specially for pregnant and breastfeeding women. And, obviously, babies. Although the women at the stand assured me her husband drinks it too. Odd.  It’s bloody expensive. The woman at this stand also spoke of the evils of tap water. And went strangely silent when I asked about fluoride.

The Belly Bed. Another one that is so good in theory. And I could just see the swollen, tired pregnant women salivating over it. But really, for this to be economically viable you need to have about 38 children. And that might get uncomfortable.

And that’s the list, my jellybean-ers. Crap guaranteed to suck your money, be used for a maximum of six months, and have little to no resale on EBay. The make-you-all-crazy-like pregnancy hormones contribute to rampant consumerism, and make you an easy target for thinking you need all of this stuff.

So, tell me. Are there any products I’ve missed? Are any of these really necessary? Are they all really, really crap, or am I just being a prize bitch with an attitude problem because the Man won’t let me have another baby even though I’m all clucky after having been at a baby expo all weekend? Is it actually possibly for a size 6 woman to look pregnant in an empire line top?

*Thinking about it literally, this might actually make wanking quite difficult.
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{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }

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Tenille October 29, 2010 at 6:09 pm

They had a real live baby, on a display table?


x0xJ October 27, 2010 at 9:22 pm

And Lori, anyone under a size 10 that doesn't wear tightly fitted clothing around the tummy AT ALL TIMES always looks pregnant according to my SO.
I am under strict instructions that i can't waer anything flowy around the tummy for the continual questions about pregnancy.
I try to take it as a compliment that i must have got that pregnancy waddle down pat in my last pregnancy, lol ;)


x0xJ October 27, 2010 at 9:18 pm

What you liked the bikes that had side strollers attatched to them?
What about the "boogie wipes" which are practically disposable wipes at triple the cost? lol.
I have to laugh, the shit that they tink they can scam off to parents and the price they ask!

Ahhh well, sucker to those who do buy the crap.

Alsi i didn't even look at the belly bed, inflatable air matresses are uncomfortable at the best of times, let alone when you're pregnant and ALWAYS UNCOMFORTABLE.


Lori @ RRSAHM October 27, 2010 at 4:56 pm

Baby wings- I think- are for stopping your child from keeping themselves awake with their hands.

Either that, or they are for evil children who cannot be trusted with humanity….


Lori October 27, 2010 at 2:52 pm

Lori…I don't think I have laughed so hard in my life…thanks I needed that!


alliecat October 27, 2010 at 2:29 pm

I am still trying to work out what the baby wings purpose are???

What about those baby bath tubs where the baby sits upright in it (?Tummytub?) for approximately 3 months until they are way too big for it. Or the vibrating legs you can put on your cot to make the baby sleep. Only on cots with the right type of legs of course. And for those with way too much cash. Ooh, I remember the automatic pram pusher too, a device on the floor that will rock a pram back and forth over and over, for those with way too much cash and no functioning arms of their own.

Those baby shows are a wealth of good stuff and some downright crap, you have summed it up nicely!


Tenielle October 27, 2010 at 2:04 pm

Oh, gosh, I forgot to comment on the child tracker thing. I just read the description, and it says it emits a loud noise so you can find your kid?

So… kidnappers just have to find the kid with a loud noise coming from them (because they're lost and their parents aren't around!), throw away the thing making the noise, and take off. Yep. Great safety device there.


Tenielle October 27, 2010 at 2:02 pm

I saw some of these this past weekend! I thought the Baby Wings were utterly ridiculous too. And the Snotty was terrifying… Pretty much everything you said.


momentsofwhimsy October 27, 2010 at 12:50 pm

Oh my – got to love the straight jacket top – do they make those for teens?
And you are size 6? Okay, I officially hate you….


Ebonie’s Mummy October 27, 2010 at 7:15 am

I think baby baths are useless. We brought a cheapie from big w and ended up throwing it out in the council clean up. I would always loose the plug and the effort to fill it up and poor it back out was just blah!


Glen October 27, 2010 at 3:08 am

I like the bed – I could stash pies in the dip for midnight feasts.


Tat October 27, 2010 at 1:09 pm

They all look pretty useless… I went to the show, but never saw any of these, maybe, because I was too busy looking at cloth nappies.


Mrs Woog October 27, 2010 at 12:49 pm

I have written a post about this as well – so much useless shit hey! Loved your post. I wonder what Mrs Winterbottom would think.


EmmaK October 27, 2010 at 1:31 am

Well what about the baby keeper – you put the kid in it and hang it on a hook when you go for a pee
seems like it would be open to abuse!!!

Also what crack head invented the pee pee teepee
I think these penis hats are meant to catch the pee that baby boys shoot out while you're changing their diaper. MENTAL


EmmaK October 27, 2010 at 1:30 am

This comment has been removed by the author.


Katie October 27, 2010 at 12:29 am

What exactly is the purpose of the baby wings? Now if they made HUSBAND wings- thereby forcing them to stop playing grab-ass with you (read:me) at the most inopportune moments, I would SO buy one.


Eva Gallant October 27, 2010 at 3:40 am

that is some weird stuff! I'm just shaking my head and asking myself, What were they thinking??


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