by Lori Dwyer on March 12, 2012 · 41 comments

“Better to burn out, than fade away.”
Lyrics from Reason To Be Beautiful, by Hole. Also reportedly written in the suicide note Kurt Cobain left his wife, the bands lead singer.

Emotional vampire, or succubi…  seductive, beautiful, appealing; with the ability to draw others in before feeding on them, emotionally. Draining them of everything they have.

When it comes right down to it, there is nothing special about me. I’m just as bad as anyone else. Sometimes I think I’m worse. I’m just as nasty and manipulative and spiteful as people get.
Just a week or so ago, I proved to myself just how bad I can be… and I think I may have proved to someone else that the person who exists here, within the sugary confines of my blog, she’s much nicer on screen than she is in real life.

Reach out to me, I’ll pull you close. Feed off you, suck every bit of life force you have. And the when you refuse me, refuse that raging thirst I have, that black hole of need… If you say no, for your own preservation, I will bite you. Claw you.

I’ll amaze you with just how nasty I can be.

I can show you the worst in emotional manipulation, in self pity and emotional blackmail, in nasty, spiteful passive aggression. I am that mangy bitch who bites any hand that offers her comfort, her mind filled with a swarm of bees in pain, batting off the insides of her mind.

I’ll bet you never imagined I could be like that.

I’ve always been like that… it’s just that I hide it well.

”I know you want to be the one who makes me break…. I was broken when you met me, finding pieces every day . I know you want to be the reason I can’t sleep at night.. wish it was that simple, I’ve been this way for my whole life.”
Art Alexis, Instant Karma

After the rush of spite passes, after I have lashed out and done what damage I can… I hate myself with a dull passionless fire. I’m exhausted, being me… I hate living in my head. I’m so very ashamed of myself, the same kind of shame I used to feel as a child in the wind down of a temper tantrum– all kicking and screaming and rage and tears– that I simply couldn’t control.

I feel like a child. Spoilt and selfish and nasty… and I know it’s truth. I say people push me… but how can they help it when I lash out like this?

I’m not sure if it’s self flagellation or penance or punishment, or if its just that I’m so bored with feeling dead inside, so sick of screaming and crying and wanting someone to hold me and make it better… scream at me, please. Hate me. Cry. Do something, anything, rather than treat me as disposable. Show me some kind of passion– anything. Hating me is better than cutting me off… at least if you hate me, then somewhere cares.

If you hate yourself enough, there’s a small, tight space in your soul that burns with spite. It’s dark and needy and on the verge of a psychosis– inside you’re screaming that you will hurt yourself if someone doesn’t sit up now and make nice.

I’d like to say its all about self punishment, but it’s not. It’s about need, my need, that black sucking hole of it that I think can only be filled by the only thing in my life that’s ever made me happy– a man, a relationship, someone to tell me they love me, even when they don’t; someone to say its OK, even when it isn’t.

Self destruct, says that dark soul space. Maybe if you hurt yourself enough someone will say “please stop that, I love you.”

And if they don’t… then you’ve done what you have, and you can hate yourself even more. There is nothing that dark space likes more than room and heat to fester.

Self destruct.

Hurt myself as much as possible without leaving marks or scars or physical damage, without hurting others, without ending up in a hospital ward.

The options are limited. Sharpening a short kitchen knife and slicing my skin seems appealing… the blood. Not even the redness of it, just the way the light shines off it as it pools in the slit I’ve created.

But it leaves marks and infections, and people who cut themselves cannot be trusted with their own children. And, deep down, that dark spot in my soul is a coward, and the physical pain of wounding myself is too intense for the ferocity it would like to unleash on me.

So we don’t do that.

I no longer venture into kicking things, head butting things, punching things. It’s an ineffective form of self harm that people see as hysterical and attention seeking. And head butting a wall is, short of driving a ride on mower down the freeway, the quickest way to get yourself locked up.

I don’t mind drugs, and the thought of smoking until my lips are numb and I vomit, disappearing into a melancholy haze… that’s appealing. To temper that appeal, I have two small children with one vulnerable, human parent (”You’re not going to die, are you, Mummy?”), and the memory of exactly what a psychosis looks like, close up. And those things are enough.

Alcohol is not my thing… I don’t know why. My stomach is clenched in a knot, and alcohol makes me sick at the happiest of times. Again, it just won’t go down with the ferocity that is necessary, with the haste and abandon required.

And– huh– the ridiculous fucking truth of being a mother, losing her mind. I have children to take care of in the morning. I have a limited amount of time with which to scream my fury into the universe… and it doesn’t cater for a raging hangover.

I want to find a nightclub where it’s dark and the floor is sticky and the beat of the music is bass enough to effect the bump of my heart. I want to suck up people’s energy, have my ears ringing into silence with the screamed pitch of humanity trying to be heard over the lub–dub rhythm of a god. I want to watch people laugh, kiss, dance, get drunk and sing. I want to suck all that in, envy it, reminisce for it…

I want to watch, and know, and punish myself until it hurts.

I want to remember what it feels like to be alive.

I text a friend, and acquaintance, a boy I knew in high school who is now a man that simple sociological principles tell me is dangerous. Not ‘dangerous’ as in, ‘you may get hurt (again)’; but dangerous as in, you may find yourself in jail. Or at the very least randomly searched, with the motivation being that you associate with known criminals.

He sleeps with too many women, and talks about it in a manner that is disgusting and revolting and you don’t want to admit is alluring. He is regularly tested for HIV and STD’s, he tells us one night at the pub. “With my lifestyle, you have to.”

He is the exact opposite of my who my husband was… he is disrespectful and unkind and uncaring. But, dammit, he is Tony’s height and Tony’s weight, with the same brown eyes and short dark hour and tattoos…

If he didn’t speak, and the scent of his skin didn’t ruin it…

And after, I could weep for myself, if I liked. I could hate myself more and more, fall deeper and deeper into that dark, sticky hole in my soul.

I don’t, of course. In the end, eventually, after smoking so many cigarettes I have ulcers on the fleshy insides of my mouth, I write until my eyes are falling shut. And then I go to bed.

I have children to wake to, early.

Don’t congratulate me
… it doesn’t feel right. I know, it’s the socially acceptable ways things are done, to pull your socks up and avoid a nervous breakdown.

But every time I do, I am that little bit more frozen inside, that little bit more dead. Every time I do, I forget a little bit more what it was like to feel passion, or anger, or love, or anything.

I don’t think I ever quite realized how sad being a shell of person can be.

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{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }

Ali ibn Abi Talib kp April 15, 2013 at 1:56 pm



RickW April 10, 2012 at 9:54 pm

Your man is a good looking dude, but I didn't know that I smell funny :P Perhaps I'll get a tat and find out what cologne he's wearing..

You know this, but you can't pay the bills with love. I'll be here.


Anonymous March 23, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Today Is MY day to feel this way!!! I have even posted this to my facebook is the hope that my friends will understand!!! Were NOT crazy but some days its TOO F*#&ing; hard to be strong… Lori your doing Amazing Hun and never give up! <3


Nurse and Hospital Stories March 14, 2012 at 5:42 pm

"I don't think I ever quite realized how sad being a shell of person can be."

Yeah, it's quite sad and depressing. And there are times that we are even considered by others as very draining people. I, particularly is an introvert person and a melancholic, commonly thinking on so many thoughts. Yet, I pass that stage and being a nurse, I learn to cope up and be flexible with different people. Learned to love my patients as well as my colleagues. Somehow, my own personality tendency comes back yet I learned to adapt and to change. Thank God. :) And you can do it, eh. :)

Peny@scrub uniforms


Jane March 13, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Lori this is so incredibly raw. I am in awe of your ability to articulate this and a little scared. You mention you're feeling numb and that's what worries me. When we're numb we tend to be reckless and unafraid of what would ordinarily stop us in in our tracks. Be careful this doesn't become so seductive you can't or won't see a better day or ask for help. Much love xx Jane


Donna March 13, 2012 at 10:53 am

I'm a bit behind, having only read this now and see you've posted a new blog about being safe, so I hope that means you reached out to a professional who could help with this?

I know nothing of what it must feels like but if that is what is lingering at your core, you need to have the right help at hand. You are worth it, your children are worth it. Much love xx


rex March 13, 2012 at 8:14 am

People really care about you, you know. I have been reading here for a while and kept thinking my words were not enough. So I have never commented. But know I am hoping they are,

I want to some how give you the power to change this, you the belief that things can get better. So in my words I am giving you power and support to help. X


Anonymous March 12, 2012 at 11:07 pm

Just chiming in with the chorus. You've spoken up and out to encourage others to SPEAK. Now you lady – SPEAK. Not to your online diary. To a damn doctor. And don't sugar coat it. Get as real with a doctor as you do in your online confessional – and then some. Demand treatment. GET WELL Lori.

I kid you not – despite everything – you wouldn't feel this way if you weren't in the grips of a deepening and treatable mental illness right now.

I know you wont be 'feeling' that to be true, but it bloody well IS true.

I was on the verge of suicide DAYS ago, a period that lasted months – one little tweak of some medicine I've been trying for a few weeks, and suddenly I am back in the land of the living.

Overnight that change came, after months of feeling, well, in part like you describe in your post…

Its time to become your own advocate, and get yourself well.

This is Angela from My blog is probably gone, as during my descent in to hell I think I vanquished it. I almost died from some thought processes that you describe, and yes, all the while, I got up every day and never abandoned my kids. But I was an empty shell, the walking dead, and it certainly wasn't good for them. My 15 year old is doing absolute carwheels because she has her mum back now. She is over the moon! 'My mums back!' she wrote of facebook. Of course, I never physically left.

Go get yourself well Lori.


Melissa March 12, 2012 at 10:21 pm

Hey Lori,
This post makes me worried, too. I agree with everyone else that it's way past time for some additional support for you. Please just hold on. Take all the support you can get your hands on.
Lots of love.


Deb March 12, 2012 at 9:28 pm

get help.


Being Me March 12, 2012 at 9:10 pm

I'm not sure exactly why but I do feel uneasy about this post, Lori… And you've written some hard-hitting ones! This is a step too deep into something that, for the first time, I think might be bigger than the wide-cast net of friendship and support we can collectively offer you. I wish you the very safest passage through this dark moment xxxx And Love, as always. Lots of love.


Natalie R March 12, 2012 at 9:03 pm


I'd a psych who wanders past your blog very now and then….I wandered past today and I'm so saddened by what I read.

Please, as others have said, do what you've asked others to do and reach out and find someone you can lean on. For the sake of your children if not for yourself.

Gentle hugs



Natalie R March 12, 2012 at 9:03 pm


I'd a psych who wanders past your blog very now and then….I wandered past today and I'm so saddened by what I read.

Please, as others have said, do what you've asked others to do and reach out and find someone you can lean on. For the sake of your children if not for yourself.

Gentle hugs



Natalie R March 12, 2012 at 9:02 pm


I'd a psych who wanders past your blog very now and then….I wandered past today and I'm so saddened by what I read.

Please, as others have said, do what you've asked others to do and reach out and find someone you can lean on. For the sake of your children if not for yourself.

Gentle hugs



Maxabella March 12, 2012 at 7:48 pm

Please, Lori, get the help you need. Practice what you preach about mental illness. Be brave and fall. The net will catch you if you let it. x


Anonymous March 12, 2012 at 6:42 pm

I can't put it any better than Wanderlust…

But I'm just adding my voice to the clamour of encouragement to get yourself to someone who can help you. You know better than most that getting out of this dark place takes way more than knowing you are loved. I applaud your honesty, now please go be honest with someone who is equipped to bring you through this.

All the very best


Gina March 12, 2012 at 4:01 pm

The first step is to face your feelings, and I think you did that in this blog, the next step is to get some help and face them some more. It sucks but it helps.


Kel March 12, 2012 at 3:10 pm

All I can think is for you to get to your GP and get there now. You are too important and too smart to ignore the warning signs. Wanderlust said it much better than I have, so please take her advice xx


Gianna March 12, 2012 at 3:10 pm

I wish I was not all the way in NZ Lori, I really would love to meet you and we could just be, just talk, hang, let the kids play, where you are right now is a hard place to see the light and I wish for everything I could be there to shine that light in so you could catch a glimpse and know you are not alone in there. I have no words to say about what could or should make you better, too many people have opinions on things they know nothing about. I just want you to know that you are brave, and you grew two beautiful souls inside you, and you bore them into this world. You are special, and you always will be to someone who calls you Mummy :) hope to meet you one day.


Anonymous March 12, 2012 at 2:34 pm

oh you poor girl… i have been in that place before… i have spent years in that place..

all i can say is, that you can get through it.. you can!! you can!! it is possible even if it seems unthinkably impossible now.
In this frame of mind you cant see the forest for the trees, but other people can help you see a way through.

i promise you there is a light on the other side of this, you just gotta hang in there for the ride.

sending you love and hugs and goodwill


Wanderlust March 12, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Lori, remember all those posts you wrote about depression and mental illness, how men who were suffering needed to reach out and get help instead of always saying "I'm okay" when they weren't? I don't think you're okay right now Lori and as hard as it is, I think you need to reach out and ask someone to help you, a professional or a friend that can get you some help. Love you, Lori. I want you to be okay. x


Sarah March 12, 2012 at 1:57 pm

I find it hard to keep reading about you…I feel like a passive observer watching a car slowly crash. I second the thoughts by others you need to seek some help, some safe way to vent other than to the blogging community because it provides a safe distance where you can talk, people can talk back but Im not so sure that things change?? Reach out Lori in a different way, to a health care professional, to a safe place for you and for your kids.


Anonymous March 12, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Please, you need to get some help. Are you on anti-depressants? Do you have a good doctor and psychologist? Even though (when you are depressed) it's hard to get the energy to even go to see a professional and tell the stories all over again, you must, for yourself and your kids. A man is not what you need right now, your friends can provide your company, you are too vulnerable to get emotionally involved and it's just self-flagellation to get involved with inappropriate or uncaring men. Lisa x


Queensland Girl March 12, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Lori, I am going thru some shit of my own, can't compare it to you, won't even try. If you want to vent, say anything at all, I will not judge, just email me. Please know that there are people who care, depression is a lonely, shitty place to be and it can feel that no one understands or cares…if talking to a stranger helps feel free. Jo xxx


Annettewith6 March 12, 2012 at 12:52 pm

We are all worried for you. There is nothing we can do to change the past and take away the hurt but we can be here with you in the virtual world, caring and sharing your pain in the small way of reading and replying.
It does sound like you need a face to face someone to intervene and listen and help. There are some needs of course that only one type of relationship can offer and at the moment that is not available to you. Life can go on without that though, one just has to find joy and contentment in other things and other types of relationship… It CAN be done. One does not need that significant other to be a whole, happy person…
Just know you have a whole family out there in the cyber world. A family who care and who want happiness for you. (((Lori)))


Something Gorgeous March 12, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Nothing in life can be that bad. Be an observer, stand back, outside yourself and watch what is happening…


Anonymous March 12, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Lori – you are talking about self harming in so many ways, this is serious. You need to know that if you are scaring regular blog friends, you must be scaring you children. i get that your blog is your "space" but your space is reflecting some serious illness. You are NOT OK – get to your GP, if you can't get someone you live near to read this post and these comments. You are not safe at the moment and need help, your kids need you to get help that are not safe when you are this emotionally inaccessible. Yep i am being harsh and you are going to get very pissed off when you read this….but you lady are at RISK, you need help. If I knew where you lived i would drag you kicking and screaming if i had to. You deserve to the right supports and you know you need help….If anyone out there knows Lori, lives near her PLEASE make the right calls to get this vulnerable family HELP!!!!!


becca March 12, 2012 at 11:18 am

…swarm of bees. Are you a King fan? (thanks for the raw…it reminds me of the taste of a bitten lip or a poorly torn hang nail…is that weird?)


Sophie March 12, 2012 at 11:14 am

Sending love to you Lori. It will get better, I promise you, it will. You just need to get through the darkness. There is no shame in asking for help to do so. Please ask. xx


Anonymous March 12, 2012 at 11:14 am

Hey Gorgeous Lori, I never comment either but I feel the same way as you and I haven't had to go through nearly as much shit – go talk to someone today – I know it's exhausting and you just want to pull the sheets over and forget about everything for a while but the sun will come up again tomorrow and it's a process but you WILL get through it. Thinking of you, it's so freakin' hard, I wish we could all just take a bit of it away for you… xx


invivamus March 12, 2012 at 11:13 am

Niel Young – Hey Hey My My

It's no fun at all. That's the nicest way I can say it without filling this comment with a million faaarrrkkks!
I've got an email address & phone number. Swearing at a stranger over the phone might be fun :) email me. It might even help me a bit.


becca March 12, 2012 at 11:13 am

This comment has been removed by the author.


Kimmie March 12, 2012 at 11:11 am

I second what Madam Bipolar said.



Madam Bipolar March 12, 2012 at 10:56 am

Fuck Lori. You are really scaring me. You need to go and see your GP. ASAP. You are not okay.


Kristen March 12, 2012 at 10:42 am

I know you don't know me.. but I read regularly and comment sometimes. I care. This post scares me too. I'm here. I just care.


edenland March 12, 2012 at 10:19 am

Are you ok?


mcnfi March 12, 2012 at 10:13 am

I wish joy for you on the other side of this ravine. And I wish you courage in getting across, and that somehow as you cross you can find yourself whole again.


Ms Styling You March 12, 2012 at 10:09 am

Hey hun, I'm really scared by your post today … is there someone – a professional – who you can talk to? I know you're probably seeing a counsellor but I just thought I'd check in. xx


Julia March 12, 2012 at 9:53 am

Aaw Lori…I don't know what to say. Love ya. xx


Eccles March 12, 2012 at 6:41 pm

FUCK!!! Lori – what the bloody hell is going on n your head!! I'm with Madam Bipolar & Kimmie – GET TO THE DOCTOR!!!! Not for medication, but for someone to talk to. Take your kids to a friend & go to the doctor!!! (I'm here!!)


Toni March 12, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Lori, you are needy. Hardly surprising, really. But it doesn't make you a Bad Person.
And while lashing out isn't cool, it doesn't make you a Bad Person either.
You see the problem, you recognise it, and you want to do something about it. That makes you a Good Person who's trying not to do dopey things.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Learn to love you, girl. You ARE worth it.
And what annette said? yes. Find someone who can help you love you.


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