The Rules Of Modern HouseWife Ettiquette

by Lori Dwyer on July 22, 2010 · 17 comments

Howdy doody-lio,

This is a Public Service Announcement from RRSAHM. I have taken the time to compile a list of the basic Rules of Modern HouseWife Etiquette, specifically to avoid situations where you may be labeled as bad hostess, housewife or guest, therefore effecting your social standing with the mums at preschool. I’m sure you’ll appreciate it. You better. I slaved over a hot keyboard for this.

Rule One- Always return borrowed Tupperware.
This has been known to end childhood friendships and cause lifelong family feuds. If you, as hostess, request of people to “bring a plate” and someone leaves their Tupperware at your house, for the love of God, wash it and return it. Do not put it in your cupboard, even if you have the best of intentions of fishing it out again. We all know this will not happen.

Rule Two- Borrowed clothes shall not go anywhere near the vicinity of the dryer.
No if’s, buts or maybe about it. Tumble dryers can do atrocious things to clothes. I’ve invented this catchy ditty to help you remember.

‘Item is borrowed
And you didn’t buy it?
Don’t be a fool,
Line dry it!’.

Like I said, catchy.

Rule Three- You must offer guests a cup of tea or coffee within five minutes of entering your house.
Even if it’s forty degrees outside (Celsius people, that’s hot). I’m not sure why, but every time I have neglected to do this my mother has sent me telepathic messages using her patented ‘Teacher Guilt Face” concerncing what a bad, bad hostess I am.

Rule Four- If there is a pile of shoes next to the door of the house you are about to enter, or the host is not wearing there shoes, you should offer to take yours off.
I know, I hate this one too. And it doesn’t happen at my house. But it’s the rule, and I don’t make the rules. The only exception to this rule is, of course, if your feet stink like you’ve been wearing $10 ugg boots. In which case you can stay the hell away from The Purple House anyway, stinky footed person.

Rule Five- Choose topics of conversation wisely and conservatively.
While vagina discharge, children’s poo and childcare fees are all acceptable topics of debate amongst modern mothers, circumcision, breast vs formula feeding and Nestle may not be. OK? OK.

Rule Six- Always offer the hostess a hand in the kitchen.
Popping your head in the kitchen and saying “D’ya need a hand?” is the height of Aussie housewifery good mannered-ness. Hostesses should accept or decline the offer, dependant on the following factors

* If the Nutrimetics party/ housewarming/first birthday is pumping and mingling is happening, and you already have plenty of hands making light work, then this is obviously a token offer,and the hostess should politely decline.
* However, in the event of a small gathering where the social separation of “men outside at the barbecue, women inside with the salad” has occurred, the offer of help should be accepted, even if it not really needed. failure to do this can result in one women far out-testostorened and unable to keep with the tong twirling and beer drinking, and may alienate her from your social circle for good.

And there you have it, housewives and hostesses. Lori’s Rules of Modern HouseWife Etiquette. Print out a copy and keep it in the pantry next to your Twiggy sticks, Shapes biscuits and french onion dip. Because you just never know when guests will drop in.

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{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }

lori July 25, 2010 at 3:48 am

Rules to live by and if I knew how to needlepoint I'd put your little laundry poem in needlepoint and post it in my laundry room for all family members!


Glen July 23, 2010 at 9:27 pm

I'm not impressed – you forgot to offer chocolate biscuits with the tea & coffee. A Schoolgirl error I fear! :-)


Nomie July 23, 2010 at 5:44 pm

I'm going to print this out, says she looking mournfully at the near new Country Road top that my lovely sister put in the dryer even though it clearly says do not tumble dry… along with my skinny jeans… *sob*

As for tupperware, possession is 9/10th of the law… and anyways, I only have my sisters and she ruined my clothes!


Mama Cass July 23, 2010 at 12:28 pm

Well blogged!

I would also add…"it is NOT nice to host a playdate while your home is being renovated and there is plaster dust all over the furniture, linen on the bed from where the cupboards have had to be emprited because, the painters are painting it AND the paint STINKS!"

I only learnt this yesterday….Doh!


Draft Queen July 23, 2010 at 11:06 am

I have this tupperware "lost and found" at this point. It says "hey! This isn't mine, is it yours? Take it home!"

Because I forget. Can you be senile at 30?


Wanderlust July 23, 2010 at 4:55 am

I'm bringing tequila shooters, talking about nipples and you can keep my damn tupperware woman.


In Real Life July 22, 2010 at 11:59 pm

Love this!

Especially your catchy dryer ditty! It is so true and important!

I have my bestest friend's tupperware that she forgot here and she said that when I return it she expects that it will be full of homemade cookies – I think the level of tupperware returning has just be upped!


Lucy July 22, 2010 at 11:13 pm

Hahhhah! LOVE THIS!


Panda July 22, 2010 at 10:33 pm

Oh shit, you just reminded me I have my bestie's Tupperware bowl here, from my son's birthday in April.

I am the worst drink-offerer ever. I just get too interested in conversation and forget the "niceties" that go with being a hostess. So if you come over, just go make your own damn cuppa will you?


Brenda July 22, 2010 at 10:19 pm

Soooo very true! Especially rule #1. Seriously how hard is it to return those darn tupperwares? Said she who's got a teeny bit of 'borrowed' collection on her cupboard. Ahem.


makemommygosomethingsomething July 22, 2010 at 10:10 pm

This is the best. I think that the Tupperware thing is a sure fire friend ender. Seriously. Those fackers are hard to replace…kidding not really. But when you've just finished a dish and need to store it and you open the cupboard to pull out the handy dandy Tupperware and realize that you lent it out…you kind of feel like stabbing someone…ok not really but it does irk me.



yummy4mummy July 22, 2010 at 8:39 pm

Love this. And it's definately a print out. I have to admit i'm not the best of hosts. Suffering social anxiety it's hard for me to engage in conversation and not feel like an absolute twat. Also, i'm not a coffee or tea drinker so i always ALWAYS forget to offer until it's at that awkward uncomfortable stage of "well i should have done that half an hour ago, ooops!"
I too am intrested if there is a hidden reason behind this??


MultipleMum July 22, 2010 at 8:23 pm

tee he. This is very cute. I heard a good one the other day. You can't tell someone off in their own home, but if they are out of line in yours, go right ahead. It kinda makes sense. I am interested in the incident that spurred this post. I see a hidden story :)


Amy July 22, 2010 at 8:18 pm

LOL. Fantastic.


Amy xxoo July 22, 2010 at 8:05 pm

I need to print this out and stick it on my fridge. Seriously.


Veronica July 22, 2010 at 7:15 pm

I love this.


Eva Gallant July 23, 2010 at 1:25 am

Oh, no! I'm guilty of skipping too many of these. Maybe that's why I never have guests anymore?


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