by Lori Dwyer on May 27, 2011 · 26 comments

Hey my TonyHead,

Everyone else seemed to be such a tiny part of our lives, hey? We were so cellular. Our little purple complex, and everything was beautiful.

I remember everything. You know that, right? Even the things I thought I’d forgotten… I remember them now.

The very first time I realised, like a light bulb clicking on, that you were flirting with me. And you telling me, in perfect detail twelve months later, what I was wearing that day and how gorgeous and sweet and innocent you thought I was.

I remember sitting in a park in Glebe on our first date.

I remember the first huge argument we had, over some chick you knew, and how we managed to spend five hours apart before I was back, crawling into your bed, saying I was sorry, and you ruffled my hair and called me a boofhead.

I remember your voice shaking, and you got down on one day and asked me “Will you do the honour of becoming my wife… one day, eventually?” on the packed dirt floor of the old elephant enclosure at the zoo.

Because, you told me in your wedding speech, elephants are lucky.

You were so proud of that speech- and so you should have been, I was proud of you. I’ve never been so proud in my whole life as what I was that night, on the dance floor, arms wrapped around you, you whispering to me how perfect this was, how this was the best party you’d ever been to.

I remember you squeezing my hands, rubbing my hair, bringing me ice when I was in labour. Joking with me that I had eaten all the ice, and me crying, because didn’t you understand that was a tragedy??

I remember, we got pissed that last Christmas night. I’m so glad we did. In all the time we were together, I only saw you drunk a handful of times. And it seems like something a husband and wife should do together, get shitfaced.

You told me you loved me ten times a day. I loved that so much about you- that we told each other, and our kids, how much we loved them, all the time.

I miss you, you know that? the shock wears off… and the ache for you, it gets worse.

You told me, so may times, that no matter happened in our lives, we would always be best mates. We knew each other’s souls, inside out.

I miss you. I’d give anything, just for one more second… I’d give the rest of my life, for one more night with you.

That’s the hardest part about all this. All I want is you, and you.. you’re dead.

It’s just so hard, not to want to die too.

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{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }

happymumsathome May 28, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Only my second visit here and I can only imagine the darkness that surrounds you too often….It honestly hurts just to read about it and I'm a virtual stranger.

I hope that the genuine outpouring of caring and concern *here* can carry you through one more day and that your children's hugs give you reason enough to keep inching forward.


Kelloggsville May 28, 2011 at 9:21 am

I don't know what to say that may help you but you always help me by giving me Perspective on what ought to be unimportant things. You help me to stop worrying about wet towels on floors and look at the love xxx


Fine May 28, 2011 at 5:29 am

Sending lots of love your way…


Julie May 28, 2011 at 12:11 am

I only have 3 words for you….


In Real Life May 27, 2011 at 11:59 pm

*HUGS* Thinking of you!


Toots May 27, 2011 at 10:50 pm

I'm here too. Late, but here. Sophie xxx


A Daft Scots Lass May 27, 2011 at 10:02 pm

More Hugs!


cassey May 27, 2011 at 9:30 pm

All I have are hugs…hugs.


River May 27, 2011 at 7:55 pm

Tony will always be with you Lori, in your heart, in your dreams, in your children.


Oscar’s Mum May 27, 2011 at 7:38 pm

That is so beautifully written Lori. I don't know what else to say.


Sam-O May 27, 2011 at 7:17 pm

I'm with Miss pink, there are no words.
I've spent the day worrying about my Workaholic Hubby's mental state, and this post has made me decide to go and confront him head on about going to see his psych.
Your blog is amazing, you are amazing.


Miss Pink May 27, 2011 at 6:58 pm

So this has sat up on my browser all day. I so desperately want to find something to say, but i have nothing.
You deserve so much more than past memories. You deserve to be still making those memories with him.


Trik82 May 27, 2011 at 4:08 pm

I wish I could wrap you up in a hug Lori xox


PinkPatentMaryJanes May 27, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Oh Lori, he was a lucky man to have met you. What beautiful words xx


Tai Tai May 27, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Sending love and hugs xxx


Rin May 27, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Oh Lori – hugs to u darling. You r just so amazing to share your journey with everyone. Every word I read is so moving. I sit here with tears rolling down my face and feel my own heart breaking for u. U r one amazing gal 


Jennifer May 27, 2011 at 1:54 pm

I'm not much of a hugger, but… *hugs*


Melissa May 27, 2011 at 1:50 pm

I can't imagine not feeling the same way, Lori. Wanting to be gone, right along with him.

So glad you've stayed though. Glad for the children. Glad for the family. Glad for all of us, who get to bond with you and be inspired and encouraged by you.

And glad for you, because I think that while there's always going to be a Tony-sized hole in your heart, one day there will be some peace and even happiness for you.

Winston Churchill – When you find yourself going through hell – just keep walking.

Keep walking, my friend. There is 'the other side'.


Squiggly Rainbow May 27, 2011 at 1:48 pm

I'm here too xo


Lynda Halliger-Otvos May 27, 2011 at 1:41 pm

I am here and reading, you are not alone.


Ames May 27, 2011 at 8:10 pm

*hugs* big, big *hugs*


Brydes May 27, 2011 at 6:30 pm

What a beautiful post. My heart aches for you. Close your eyes and remember him and he will always be there.


Carol May 27, 2011 at 6:17 pm

When you go to bed tonight, close your eyes & see Tony with his arms wrapped around you, whispering to you how it's perfect; telling you he loves you. Then go to sleep. He won't be there in the morning, but you only have to close your eyes… he's always there. <3


Mary May 27, 2011 at 4:02 pm

love to you our Lori.


OurGangof7 May 27, 2011 at 3:02 pm

Running through my head at the end of that was Tony responding to you with "Aaaah you, I love you Boofhead, you know that right?", lol I have no idea why I thought that.
Thank you for sharing that with us, it is beautifully written and I am sure that Tony is looking down on you, his heart swelling with pride for the way you have managed to keep going for the kids.
Hugs to you


Tara @ Our Whirlwind Adventures May 27, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Reading this feels as though I'm intruding on a private loving moment between a man and his devoted wife.
Beautifully written xoxox


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