by Lori Dwyer on January 21, 2011 · 104 comments

I’m at home. Alone. On my own computer, albeit with a new pink keyboard.

This is scaring the shit out of me.

But I can do it.

Those of you who have reading since the Before know how much I adored The Man. Search the tag, if you like. He was my best mate, my rock. The person who knew me best in the entire world.

My soul mate.

But I am so pissed at him right now.

I wonder if he knows, what he’s left behind here.

I wonder if he knows that his children, our children, are being primarily cared for by their grandmother right now. Because I can’t. I can barely take care of myself, let alone two tiny people.

I wonder if he saw how much it hurt me when my daughter turned to mother, instead of me.

I wonder if he knows that it’s been two weeks and I still have to remind myself to shower, to eat. And my mind still tricks me into thinking he’s here, that I can go home to him and escape all this mess and stress at any time.

Who’s going to take care of me now? I guess I’ll be taking care of myself.

I wonder if he knows it took me two weeks to even be able to drive again. And the first time I did that I reversed into someone’s car.

I wonder if he knows that his best mate sat by his hospital bed for hours, days. That I will have to attend his best friend’s wedding alone, next month, were Tony should have been best man.

I wonder if he knows what his son is missing, playing with his daddy. Hanging out with his best friend.

I wonder if he can see the awful mess he’s left behind. His mother, weeping. His sister, lost without her baby bro who always took such care of her.

Fuck. What are we supposed to do, without you? There’s a great big fucking hole in the world, and I can’t fill it with anything.

This is fucked. I miss you, don’t you get that? I’d give anything, anything, for one more second. Just so you can tell me you love me, and this isn’t my fault. That I’m not so bad I can drive my husband to suicide. That I’m not so fucked up, that you hated me enough to do this to me, and to do it in front of me, in the very same place I gave birth to our daughter? In our beautiful, peaceful backyard courtyard, with the purple that I loved but I now can’t even look at?

Do you have any idea of the trauma you’ve left me with? Forget the grieving, the fucking trauma is nearly breaking me. Loud noises. Sirens. Flashbacks. Blue shirt, orange rope, ads on the TV that show CPR, people casually mentioning, in conversation, an adrenalin shot to the heart. All those things fuck with me, wind me up, make me fragile, on edge, like a cat about to spring off it’s toes.

Fuck you. You see what you’ve done? You see what you’ve left behind?

As much as I love you, Tony, I fucking hate you right now. For doing this to me, to all of us. For leaving such a huge fucking hole, that nothing will ever be able to fill. The only hope is, life will get bigger, and that hole will feel smaller, as time goes on.

Two weeks. Fuck. Buckle up, the ride does not stop here.

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{ 104 comments… read them below or add one }

Emilie January 27, 2011 at 10:33 am

As many have said here, it wasn't your fault. Hoping that you come to feel that in your heart.


Anonymous January 25, 2011 at 11:31 am

This is such a devastating thing to read. I know words from a stranger can never make much of a difference but this breaks my heart and I am so sorry for you. I've dealt with depression in my past and can understand its impact but I also know what it is to have a great marriage and I cannot comprehend how you are surviving in this moment.

May God bless and bring you peace and comfort. You and yours are in my prayers.


Kymmie January 23, 2011 at 5:33 pm

The fact he felt that leaving everyone he loved was a logical decision just reminds you that he wasn't thinking straight. This was purely about what he could and couldn't handle. And if he thought for just one moment that you would've missed him, he would never had done this. This was never, ever about you. Keep writing. xx


Anonymous January 23, 2011 at 5:03 pm

life does get bigger, the whole does get smaller… but it takes TIME (and lots of it)


Anonymous January 23, 2011 at 5:06 am

Good for you. Get mad!!!! Get angry!!!! Get PISSED!!! It was selfish of him and you have every right to hate him for what he did.
Then as time passes you'll remember the good more then the bad. This will never make sense. I don't think it was meant to. Just keep doing what your doing and express that anger on your keyboard. If anything its teaching your readers the torment loved ones left behind will have to deal with. One hasty choice with a tragic ending.

You are in my thoughts and prayers,


OHN January 23, 2011 at 2:05 am

My friends husband did the same damn thing, in their garage, 30 minutes before his kids were to come home from school and walk INTO the garage.

Why did your mate do this? There is no rational explanation, but I can guarantee you that his demons had nothing to do with you. They were entirely his.


PlanningQueen January 23, 2011 at 12:55 am

Gosh I would be angry too. How I wish you didn't have to be angry. So tough for you Lori. xxxx


Suse January 22, 2011 at 8:43 pm

Lori, others have said it far more eloquently than I ever could, but to reiterate, this is not your fault. I didn't know Tony, and I've only ever known you through a screen, but I can tell you this – nothing you did, or didn't do, nor the person that you are, had anything to do with this. Suicide is about someone not being able to live within their own head, and that person can be surrounded by all the good things in this world, surrounded by love and family and happiness yet still feel like an imposter in their own self. And you can't help them if they don't seek or want help, or recognise that they need it before it's too late to do anything about. He made this choice, not you, yet whether he made it consciously or not it is still you that has to live with his choice. Be angry – be furious. Be angry at Tony, be angry for him. Be angry at this whole fucked up situation and the giant hole he's left you, your kids and everyone who loved him in. Be angry, be sad, be loving, be strong, be weak, whatever you feel at the time is the right thing to feel. Because right now, you are doing an incredible thing by simply being.


Dorothy January 22, 2011 at 6:34 pm



ecosopher January 22, 2011 at 2:58 pm

Still sending you light and thinking of you. You're right, it is fucked. Don't forget, you've got so many people on your side. I'm sad for you but I also see your strength. Your children will draw from that. Big Hug to you all.


Fiona January 22, 2011 at 2:52 pm

Oh hun.


toushka January 22, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Just hugs and love Lori. I have nothing else. I'm thinking of you always.


Staceygurl January 22, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Be angry at him Lori, im angry at him too!
How could he do this to you? to your babies? Leave you in this crazy fucked up world to deal with all of this by yourself?

But he did girl. He did this – not you! This is not your fault not your doing, it was Tonys'.

I want to say I am sorry. No not as sorry as you are but so sorry that you are hurting so much right now. It not fair


Miss Ruby January 22, 2011 at 12:43 pm

No words, just love.



bloodsigns January 22, 2011 at 12:13 pm

I am here through Eden's blog — sitting here stunned in my house in a frozen place a world away from where you are — you are saving people with your honesty and your open heart.

I want to tell you something else — I am a child whose father left the world in a violent way, and I would be misspeaking if I didn't say that it profoundly altered all of us — but in many ways it deepened the way we received love. Kahlil Gibran wrote — even as sorrow carves into your soul — the more joy it will contain — it doesn't seem so now but I wanted you to know, especially for your children — they will contain great joy in life…I promise you that.

Love to you,



E. January 22, 2011 at 11:53 am

Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you all.


Mrs J January 22, 2011 at 10:30 am

Your pain and rage are totally justifiable, and totally normal. Sending you lots of love even though I have never met you xo


mab397 January 22, 2011 at 8:54 am

Hi Lori,

Had to come out of the shadows to comment on this one. Unfortunately I can't help from sounding condescending in my admiration so hopefully it is not taken in that way.

This is such an impressive post to write, particularly after "Speak". Challenging people to speak out about their true feelings and actually doing it yourself is not the easiest thing in the world to do. If we all realised that this world wasn't meant to be taken on alone and that speaking out wasn't a sign of weakness/inappropriate/toomuchinformation/whatever then maybe some of those we've lost along the way wouldn't have felt so doomed in this world.

You may not feel strong now but your display of strength is extraordinary.


thepixiechick January 22, 2011 at 8:11 am

I have struggled all night with how to comment on your post. I have thought a lot about how I would feel in your situation in the last two weeks, and I am watching every emotion that has gone through my mind play out right here. But for me these are just thoughts in my mind, I can't believe you are having to live through this. I am amazed at your strength.
One thing I have to say is that this is not your fault. He made the wrong choice. For a man with a loving wife, caring family, good friends, who would only have had to ask to receive help and support for anything he needed, this is absolutely and fundamentally the wrong choice. It was a mistake. His mistake. As you have said yourself, all he needed to do was speak. As a previous commenter said, maybe it was a choice that passed through his mind in a matter of moments, one that he may have regretted an instant too late. But it was still the wrong choice. Be angry, you damn well should be. Blame him, it was his choice, his wrong choice, his mistake.
But it was not your fault.
We toasted you yesterday, with vodka. Some of us had to drink doubles to make up for those who couldn’t drink. But we toasted you, because you kick ass, and you will keep on kicking ass. Because you were always lovely, and beautiful and funny and fun. And we hate that you are going through this.
But if this nightmare has proven one thing, it’s that you really are fucking amazing. And my admiration for you knows no bounds. Love xoxox


Alison January 22, 2011 at 4:24 am

Dear Lori, through your raw emotion and your brutal honesty about what happened to Tony and what is happening to you now, you are touching the hearts, minds & souls of so many. Please know that we are hearing your words and learning so much from your strength and courage. Alison x


sjd69 January 22, 2011 at 4:00 am

I've only recently started following you and I cannot read another post without commenting because it feels wrong. I was pulled in because I almost just lost my husband and your words remind me to appreciate what i still have and stop whining for what i've lost. Your words tear me up and I can only hope that writing them gives you some sense of order in your chaos.


EmmaK January 22, 2011 at 3:56 am

It's not your fault and if you need to be angry then let it all out. You will get through this eventually just don't feel guilty right now that your mum is minding the kids. xx


Glen January 22, 2011 at 1:32 am

everyone her has already said so much more that I could ever say. Just put your head up.

This is NOT your fault.

And you will recover.

You have some very good people listening (and some not so good – me) use them – sound off on them.

you can

you will

be strong


Michele January 22, 2011 at 12:07 am

Scream it from the rooftops… It needs to come out- it has to. And it's okay to be angry and sad and angry some more. This wasnt your fault… isnt your fault… will never be your fault.



Lirio Jaguar January 21, 2011 at 11:05 pm

The world is biggering.
You're still here. Thank you for that xxx


JallieDaddy January 21, 2011 at 11:00 pm

I've said it before; I'll say it again: I can't imagine how hard it must be for you right now. I think youi need to cope in whatever way you can find.

Strength & Peace to you!


Glowless @ Where’s My Glow January 21, 2011 at 10:33 pm

I know everyone has already said it, but I'm going to say it too… it's not your fault. Be angry at the awful thoughts that must have been going through his head for him to even think about doing what he did. Be angry at the world for being so fucked up. But be so so so proud of yourself for surviving, for dealing with the shit, for the continued heartache you're wading your way through.
Much love to you x


Sarah January 21, 2011 at 10:19 pm

Lori, I loved reading you *before* and now I'm angry alongside you and thinking about your heartbreak keeps me awake at night. There's so much love and support for you *out here*. We're all listening. You are clever, strong, big-hearted, honest, funny – and you did NOT make this happen.


River January 21, 2011 at 9:51 pm

Dear Lori, I have no words, I can only feel for you. The tears still come when I think of you. Love from River


Mumeroo January 21, 2011 at 9:34 pm

Lori, I think of you and your family everyday… I wish there was a way we could all ease your pain.


deardarl January 21, 2011 at 9:32 pm


You are not alone even though I know it feels like it.


SquiggleMum January 21, 2011 at 9:10 pm

Not your fault, Lori, not your fault. xx


Anonymous January 21, 2011 at 9:00 pm

There are no words for a situation like this. all I can offer you is my thoughts and support from out here in the interwebs. I have no comprehension of where you are right now, but please know that you are loved, and not alone in this. rufalina xoxo


Curvaceous Queen January 21, 2011 at 8:43 pm

My tears are falling for you. Your post is so raw yet so real. You have such a powerful voice. You aren't responsible for this but unfortunately you are the one left to survive.


Anonymous January 21, 2011 at 8:06 pm

Lori, at this horrible time I doubt wider community awareness of mental illness and suicide is important but just reading these comments I can see we are starting the conversation and educating each other. After my Dad took his life, I didn't care about these big picture issues, I could only think of my own devastating loss and how much I wanted my gentle, caring and loving father back. He suffered from bipolar for many years and was mostly a normal, devoted dad and husband but he had his hard times and would fall into psychosis at times. He never remembered these times and I really believe he didn't consciously make the decision to complete suicide. Still, I have been angry at him a few times but mostly just broken hearted and so sorry for the constant battle he faced and the frightening mental experiences he had during his psychotic episodes. One of the hardest things to deal with during the unbearable grief process was the judgements from others and the anger from almost strangers towards my father. It was hard to hear this about someone I cherished and I wished they had more compassion and understanding. He didn't do it because he didn't love us or wanted to hurt us. I honestly don't believe he had the capacity to think these things or any rational thoughts in his final hours.
My heart breaks for you and I encourage you to keep doing what you need to do to get by. There is no right way. Just ride that rollercoaster and ask a professional to hold your hand. Remember the man you loved for the life he lived and the family you created together, not just the way he departed this crazy life.


Bec @ Bad Mummy January 21, 2011 at 8:06 pm

I'm thinking of you Lori.

Take whatever time you need, feel whatever you need to feel, screw people who don't understand. Lots of love.


Taryn January 21, 2011 at 8:02 pm

Fuck Lori that was very hard to read. I cannot begin to imagine the indescribable pain you are going through and I am so pissed right now at Tony too.

I wish he had just reached out. To someone. Then this pain could have been avoided. I wish I could fly over there and smack him about the head before all this started.

I am sure you wish the same. I wish I could make it better. Put everything back to where it belongs.

Thinking of you Lori.


Wendy B. January 21, 2011 at 7:23 pm

I really feel for you…..I wish I could do something to help you. Know that there are so many people reading your blog, thinking of you, sending love your way….

And no, it most definitely is NOT your fault!!
And yes, your babies love you, and you WILL find the strength to go on and care for them yourself. But first, and this is very important, you must take care of yourself. Scream if you have to, throw things around if you have to, do anything you have to to get the hurt out…..

Love, Wendy


Julie W January 21, 2011 at 7:17 pm

If it's any consolation Lori, it is 'normal' ( for want of a better word!) to feel how you're feeling. Let it out. When you're going through hell, just keep going.. xxx


Cate January 21, 2011 at 6:51 pm

Lori, your story – and those of the people you have connected with – is heartbreaking and so, so wrong. You should NOT be in this position, you have every right to scream, rant, sob -whatever. He truly let you down, but like everyone has said – it was NOT your fault, rather, a split second decision made in a moment of irrational madness.



Ms Styling You January 21, 2011 at 6:51 pm

So not your fault, Lori. xxxx


Caitlyn Nicholas January 21, 2011 at 6:34 pm

Ah hell lori, hugs.

On a lighter note, I reversed into someone the other day and not only do I NOT have anything like what you are going through in my life, but I also have reverse parking sensors, that work.


theboyandme January 21, 2011 at 6:28 pm

No I'm guessing that the ride is just starting. You've every right to feel anger and resentment, to accompany the love. Never forget the love, the hate will pass.


Mariette January 21, 2011 at 6:20 pm

Not your fault. Not his fault. Life. Terrorful, beautiful life. Rage Lori rage. Don't fight it. Scream to the heavens.
And your babies? They will carry you through the next stage as you will carry them.
And we will all be here. Sending you love, supporting you, sharing our own pain, here when you need us.


Ian Rochfort January 21, 2011 at 6:14 pm

As I said before Lori, you are a strong and amazing woman, and you WILL get through this.
Having witness a similar tragedy, where he did the same thing in front of his 8 y/o son, and tried to resuscitate, but there was nothing I could do, it was too late. I hope that others (especially males) get the opportunity to read your blog, so they can see the utter devastation they would cause for those left behind, and to think about their loved ones, who would have to pick up the pieces.
Stay strong Lori.


Langdowns January 21, 2011 at 6:06 pm

Let it out Lori, just let it all out …


Penny January 21, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Hi Lori
I am a stranger to you, I found your blog through VegemiteVix… I wish I knew the Lori before everything changed, but I want you to know that I have cried with you and my heart aches for you and your family. I imagine myself in your situation and I don't know that I could cope at all. You are an inspiration and I only hope that I never have the chance to draw on your experiences for my own survival but if I do, you will have given me strength beyond anything you could comprehend. Thank you so much for sharing this with us.


marketingtomilk January 21, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Tony wasn't thinking Lori – the pain he felt in that instant consumed him. It wasn't rational. I know you know that deep down, but this pain, anger, disbelief is real for you at the moment, and you must live it. Walk in that dark tunnel, but you make sure you hold tight to Kristin's hand, and everyone else's hand that is outstretched for you and keeping you moving. You will get through, at least to something different, and your kids will be waiting there for you. YOu have time, time to grieve, time to be angry. YOu take that time.

Big hugs



Taurean January 21, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Just sharing a hug. I'm a stranger to you but I have followed your heartbreaking story on here and on BB. I wish there was something I, anyone could do to take away the pain, to make things normal, ok.

My BIL committed suicide when my niece was 2.5 years old. He left an amazing marriage, a wonderful family (immediate and extended), an adoring wife and his precious, beautiful daughter – the light of his life. His pride and joy. We know his reason but it will never make sense. The only thing that makes us all feel a little better is knowing how much he loved his family and he honestly thought suicide was the best option for everyone. He seriously thought his family would be better off without him. What a dark place to be in when that is your decision.

My SIL is doing well now but it took a long time (its been 9 years). Lots of support from family and friends and just time. The haze will clear eventually. Your kids will get you through.

I cant begin to imagine how you're feeling right now but, from everything else I've read, I have no doubt your husband loved you with all his heart.


Parent with Potential January 21, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Dear Lori,
The suicide of my brother-in-law helped me to choose a career in counselling. It is a selfish act but those who carry it out sometimes just can't help it. Keep writing! We're reading and praying and willing you on! A little note aside your children are young – Don't think that grandparents can replace you and don't feel guilty – you are doing what you need to right now and very few children remember anything before three years of age especially once they get older (around age 7 or so). So take care of yourself and you will get stronger and be able to take care of them then too.


edenland January 21, 2011 at 4:57 pm

Oh my God, this post – and the comment thread, is taking my breath away. Lori, you are touching so many people right now with your raw, real, vulnerable, angry, beautiful words. I am so so glad you have this blog.

And I can't believe so many people have been touched by suicide. I thought I was the only one. My (step)dad killed himself when I was 16 – I called him dad, known him for eleven years. He bought a hose, drove to Oran Park, and gassed himself in his car. He was about to go to jail, so did this instead. I strongly believe, that the instant he left his body … he thought – oh fuck, what have I done? And his penance was watching his family fracture and fuck up afterwards. Sometimes I feel him around me, I know he is very very sorry for what he did. Wrong, bad, irreversible decision. The forever decision.

My real dad drank himself to death when I was 12. I almost drank myself to death until I thought, fuck you guys. I'm stronger than you. And I am.

I think I forgive them …. they missed out on so much, it's such a shame.

I'm here for you, mate. And I truly mean it. You are so sweet and beautiful. I watched your Bakers Delight Breadhead video so many times, looking at how sparkly and happy and cute and talented you are. You are.

Someone very wise once told me: "You can do hard things."

I get the feeling you can too.


PS My button is on your blog and I need to pay you for that, also want to advertise two other things on your blog. Will email you.


Anonymous January 21, 2011 at 4:46 pm

I was going tell you that the anger came next, its one of the cliched stages of grieving. Seven years later I still get angry when I look into my daughters eyes and think how could he turn his back on a life he helped create. I really think he thought someone would find him in time, he rolled the dice and lost, we all lost. Know though, they can and will see their little ones grow up,and I'm sure he would give anything for one more moment with you. Keep holding on x


Anonymous January 21, 2011 at 4:42 pm

You know Lori, I can't begin to imagine how you must feel. I would be mightally pissed off too but I honestly believe that when someone suicides they rarely think of the aftermath, they were sick – just beacuse it is a mental illness does not mean they weren't reall sick. There is nothing rational about it, those rational thoughts must not get through when people feel so dark, they feel that is there only choice. If you have a broken leg, you go to the hospital and they put a cast on it and it heals in 6 weeks, unfortunately the mind doesn't work in such a straightforward way!
I'm told that anger is a way through the grief, especially in these circumstances but please always remember that he wasn't well and he certainly wouldn't have left you with this mess, if he had the clarity to to justify how he was feeling. Big Hugs again and please keep talking and posting – I think it helps not only you but all of those around you and even those who can draw on your strength for their own lives. You are helping other people – not that you probably give a fuck at the moment but it might help you to know that further down the track! And babes will always love their mummas – they are pretty resilient little beings – do what you can, they'll be ready to embrace you the minute you want or need them to!


Annie January 21, 2011 at 4:20 pm

Can't even imagine what you are going through. As everyone has said, this was HIS decision, not yours. You are merely left to pick up the pieces. I'd be angry too. He swore to love and protect you!
Don't feel bad about your babies. Feel grateful that they have someone to care for them right now. They'll be the thing that anchors you. The thing to keep you going. They are too young to remember this heartache. When you are ready, they'll be ready to welcome their Mum back, with unconditional love.


Helen January 21, 2011 at 4:16 pm

Lori, I can only read about how you feel as I have not experienced your particular type of pain before – and I hope I never do.

What I do know a lot about though, is being the child left behind. My mum committed suicide when I was 3 years old, my sister was 1, my brother 10. I only have a couple of memories of her – but they are memories I will never forget. One is of her bringing my newborn sister home from hospital, another of her taking a prickle out of my foot and the other is of her lying 'asleep' in the front seat of her car. The memory after that is just of the back of the ambulance as it drove away.

Then there are the memories after that, of my Dad cooking us dinner, kissing us goodbye as we rode our bikes off to school, being so damn chuffed as we excelled at school and, eventually, graduated university. I know those memories don't mean a lot to anyone but me, but they are testament to the strength and courage my Dad somehow found deep within himself to keep going. To this day I still don't know how he managed to do it, to raise 3 small children on his own and earn a living. But he did.

I never felt that I was missing something. It was and is perfectly normal for me to have 'just Dad'. Sure, there have been times, such as when I got married, that I thought it would be nice to have my mother around – but I don't dwell on those thoughts as that was never my reality, not how things were meant to be for me, not my life.

I guess all I really want to say is that myself, my brother and my sister are proof that children can grow up completely normal, not lacking in emotional intelligence, not lacking in love, not forever angry with the world for dealing them this particular hand – even after such trauma as this. I don't think we were 'imbalanced' having had the influence of one parent only – not at all.

I hope this comment isn't out of line – it might not give you any reassurance about your kids at the moment, but I hope one day it might.

Stay strong Lori. You can do it.


Kylie January 21, 2011 at 4:04 pm

Your anger is understandable, acceptable, unavoidable. I will add my voice to the cries of it's not your fault, but I think deep down inside you know that anyway. Nothing will ever fix this completely, time will make it easier to deal with, but this is for life. So is the love, care and prayers from those around you.


Maxabella January 21, 2011 at 3:58 pm

Keep screaming, Lori. Get it out of you. x


Anonymous January 21, 2011 at 3:54 pm

After an extremly bad weekend fighting with my husband, just over stupid shit, crap really, i asked him to take us all to see a local dam… to walk along to blow off steam, to show the kids, to get out of the house, it was late in the afternoon… as we were half way across, I decided fuck it im going to jump in and when i get a long way under i will blow out all my air and not come back up…. that'll teach him. teach him to fuckin piss me off… as the kids and husband walked on ahead i got up on the wall, he hadnt noticed yet or turned around… my toes on the edge, i looked back at my kids. I couldnt do it. in the split second i decided i did, it took a second to decide not to. a second. I sat down on the safe side and quickly got down ran to catch up with my family. "what were you looking at over there asked my husband", he had seen me. Dont scare me like that again will you? I promised i wouldnt. I'll keep my promise. but my point is it took 0ne second to decide, about 5 seconds to prepare and another to back out. 6 seconds. I could have fucked up my whole family in 6 seconds. I cant explain what went through his head lori but let me tell you he may well have changed his mind a second too late. we'll never know… you have a right to ba angry. I dont know if ive helped you here… I just hope so…


Jayne January 21, 2011 at 3:52 pm

You have every right to feel angry, don't ever feel guilty for feeling this emotion.
It was his choice, not yours, do not blame yourself (((hugs))) xxxx


Sharnanigans January 21, 2011 at 3:37 pm

Have had many friends directly impacted by suicide, husbands, dads and friends… it is the most difficult of all deaths to deal with because so many questions left behind. One thing I can tell you is it is NOT YOUR FAULT. xx


Salamander January 21, 2011 at 2:57 pm

You are such an amazingly strong woman – even if right now, you don't want to be – and it is clear from your many posts from 'before' that you are an incredible mummy. Your babies know how much you love them, and they will be ready for your hugs when you are able to give them. Until then, they are being well cared for. I can only hope that you are able to find someoneto take care of you, until you are able to look after yourself. Sending love and hugs, as always.


Lucy January 21, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Suicide is an evil death to grieve over as the anger stage is a huge long one. We are hear to read and listen and sipport.

Whatever you feel, on any given day, is right. It'll move you forward.



MadCow January 21, 2011 at 2:50 pm

Love xox


Veggie Mama January 21, 2011 at 2:44 pm

Life is so fricken unfair. Your rage makes complete sense to me, hell, I'm amgry for you. Keep writing gorgeous girl x


Stylish Mummy January 21, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Oh Lori I was crying reading your post… you have every right to be angry! Let it out… as the others said suicide is the most selfish act. It might ease their pain but they dont realise the pain they leave behind. I hope you grow strong enough soon to be with your little ones… they need their mummy but you need to get through this first.


Being Me January 21, 2011 at 2:40 pm

The fucking rollercoaster ride (that you didn't even buy a ticket for!!!) continues. Like some scary life or death game you couldn't possibly have signed up for has been forced upon you. Stifling. But there is a way through it. I see glimpses of you finding it, of knowing it. It's almost like a primal memory of how to survive even though you've known nothing like it in living memory before. You know?

And as your body continues to survive this shock and trauma, it will be the thing to physically keep lifting you through this. And as it does, I have every faith that you'll transcend what you see before you now as a complete mess and 'fail'. It's not. You're not. But for now if it seems that way, so be it – it's hellishly vital to go as slow as you need at this point, just know and trust that it WILL subside).

Lots of love to you Lori with all my heart, we are all here with open arms – take your time xxx


Veronica January 21, 2011 at 2:24 pm

I've always felt suicide was selfish, because you're choosing to leave your family to clean up the mess. I would be so angry right now too, because it was an awful thing to burden you with. You should not be living this life.


DanniiBeauty January 21, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Big hugs to you. You have every right to be angry. Its not right, its not fair. Be strong, find a will and keep going. You are precious and deserve to keep on going.


Donna January 21, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Oh how my heart breaks for you, no one deserves this nightmare and I can only imagine the pain and anger coursing thru you. Just know you are not at the root of this, our society can be solely guilty of making our men afraid to talk. You, your powerful words of wisdom, your writing, will help change this. Keep telling your story, the world has much to learn from you and in return i hope it reinstates some peace to your fractured dreams xx


Nicole | Designer Mamas January 21, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Oh Lori, I don't know you but I simply can't stop thinking of you and this hell you are currently living. I wish I could take some of the anger, pain and trauma away from you. I weep for you. x


DaniV January 21, 2011 at 1:57 pm

It sucks. It's not fair.

My Dad killed himself when I was 19. It hurt then, I blamed myself… but the hurt, the anger, I promise it will get better.

But right now, this pain, what happened, it's fucked. Hugs x


Anna January 21, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Anger is so normal right now amidst the grief – when my partner killed himself 20 years ago, I felt just as you did… such a selfish, selfish act. So even though your grief is unique, I understand that anger. I got through my grief by talking to other people who had been through the same experience and by reading about how grief evolves. For me, there was reassurance knowing that what I felt was normal and I wasn't going insane.
Thinking of you even if I don't know you…x


Hear Mum Roar January 21, 2011 at 1:49 pm

This is exactly where you need to be. Get angry, feel it, get it out. You have every right to feel this way. You're completely justified. I hope you will listen to the fact that everyone is saying the same thing: it's NOT your fault.

Everyone's saying the same thing because it's true. It could take a long time for you to really accept that. The biggest thing in all this that I've worried about for you is the trauma of the experience. I'm glad you can that for what it is.

It's good you're letting yourself feel these things. And please, make use of all the professionals you've been offered. In the meantime, we're all here, sending you love, checking in everyday to check how you are and be here.


Kimberly January 21, 2011 at 1:43 pm

You have every right to be angry Lori. Every single right to be angry. But don't turn this anger on yourself. You are not to blame for this. You didn't cause what happened.
My thoughts are still with you.


Ali January 21, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Nadine, what you said was beautiful and so true.

Please do not think this is your fault Lori. Its not at all. The guilt lies with him right now and it is so fucked that you are now left with all the broken pieces. Even though I dont know you IRL I still wish I could take the pain away from you. It is so understandable to be so angry with him and hate him for what he has done, yet love him so much at the same time. Your babies know mummy loves them and know that they love you as well. You are in my thoughts always xo


lori January 21, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Oh Lori. I don't even know what to say. It's fucked up, but it's not your fault. Those few horrifying moments don't wipe out the years of good ones. He loved you, he just snapped. It's not your fault.


Tina ~ tina gray dot me January 21, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Echoing all the comments above. It's not your fault, Lori. Sending you the biggest hug. xxx


nadinewrites108 January 21, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Fuck, Lori. Two weeks. You've made it through two weeks when you weren't sure you'd make it through another minute. Tony may have been your rock, but you, Lori are the water. Rocks may crumble but the water is eternal, it is powerful beyond imagination, it sustains and sourishes and gives life, it changes and adapts and re-invents itself forever.

Be pissed now, you damned well ought to be, but know that you, like the water will change and adapt. You' like the water, can not be destroyed.

Holding you still.


Sarah January 21, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Darling girl, I can't imagine your grief. But I do know that what Tony did wasn't really about you. It may look and feel that way, but it wasn't. When my aunt did this I remember the huge rage I felt. HUGE. Almost unmanageable. It's taken so long for that to pass. I loved her like my own mother and all this time later I wonder if she knew the chaos what she did would create. So I do get it. Hugs and love sweet girl. Lots of them xxx


bigwords is… January 21, 2011 at 1:23 pm

If I could find the words to write to make you feel better I would, but I know nothing I write here will change a thing. Just know that I, like so many, am standing right beside you. It was not your fault.



Kathy January 21, 2011 at 1:20 pm

Not your fault, not your doing, but yours to cope with forever. It is fucking unfair and nothing anyone can say makes it more bearable. I'm thinking of you and I know that means nothing, but I am.


Caro Webster January 21, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Lori, I have just learned of your heartbreak and I could not leave your blog without sending you my thoughts and prayers and (cyber) hugs. xx


Jacki January 21, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Everyone's right, you are not to blame in ANY way. I wish there was something more we could all do for you. Just keep talking and writing. We're here. Sending you love.


Biancab January 21, 2011 at 1:14 pm

This is NOT your fault, you didn't do or not do anything. It was his decision to make and he made it.

It's almost 7 years since my dad hung himself, I'm still angry at him, I still can't forgive him. I said in a previous comment, for me it's about learning how to cope better day by day and now year by year but I will never be "over it".


Amy January 21, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Love to you Lori.
When you can and as often as you can – love those babies. They will help you heal.


The Mummy Hat January 21, 2011 at 1:09 pm

I've got no words for you. Nothing I can say can make it better, so I'm sending you a cyber hug.
Take care Jellybean


Brenda January 21, 2011 at 1:08 pm

It is not your fault, honey. Not your


x0xJ January 21, 2011 at 1:07 pm

I'm just going to echo Sarah. This ISN'T your fault, the amount of times you've fought and you never ran off and did what he did, he had never before, you weren't to know how serious he was this time. How much he was hurting.
I hope that you are able to find your way to cope. Find something that helps. I know it's a pain that will never truely disappear, but hopefully, with time, you will be able to work with it.


Wanderlust January 21, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Oh baby. Baby, baby. Would that I could be there with you so you could have someone to scream these things to, to fall apart on.

Lori, no one drives another person to suicide. Suicide is a choice people make when they are suffering from severe depression or another mental illness.

You are walking through the deepest, darkest part of hell right now. I can't pull you out, but know that I will walk the dark parts with you. I love you. xo


Kel January 21, 2011 at 1:03 pm

Keep talking hun, we're here to listen. And though you don't need me to tell you – you have every right to be pissed off!


Yvette Vignando January 21, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Dear Lori, You are right where you need to be, feeling what you need to feel, and you are normal normal normal, a loving mum, and your kids are with someone who loves them too. And that is enough. And when you are stronger and feeling other normal, human feelings, your kids will melt slowly into those loving arms of yours. They will. But you look after yourself first Lori. Rebuild your heart and head in your own time and in your own way. Writing is aweseom too. I hope you are surrounded by loving friends and find the best grief counsellor in Sydney, when you are ready xxoo


The Fat Lady January 21, 2011 at 1:00 pm

I've got nothing Lori, no wisdom, no cliche's even. This fricken sucks.

So much love to you *hug*


Draft Queen January 21, 2011 at 12:59 pm

There is nothing I can say that will make this any easier. But for the itty bitty it's worth, this post, this post will be how I keep myself in check. This post will make ME remember that this could be my own loved ones.

I know it does nothing at all to make your world better, in fact I hesitate to post the comment because I'm feeling a little selfish about using your pain to keep myself going.

If I could hug you, I would. My heart hurts for you.


Sarah January 21, 2011 at 12:58 pm

Be angry with him, that he did this, that you are alone, that the babies have lost their daddy. You are allowed, the situation is so fucked I'm not surprised your angry.

But please please be gentle with yourself ok? As you said at the funeral, as you wrote in your last post, this is because he didn't talk when there was something wrong. This is not your fault.


Evonne January 21, 2011 at 12:54 pm

You have every right to be pissed, but this is NOT your fault!


THE Bird January 21, 2011 at 11:52 pm

Be angry, you should be. You don't love Tony any less because you hate what he did!!!
If you never loved him, it would not matter….



Madmother January 21, 2011 at 8:24 pm

Look at how many people you are reaching my sweet. And look at how many are reaching right back to hold you up as best they can.



Denyse Whelan January 21, 2011 at 6:44 pm

Glad you are writing
Glad you are getting out of bed
Glad you are being listened to, here for sure
Glad you have done some "normal" stuff.
Glad you will keep posting
Glad that we will keep in touch here too.

Please don't think you are alone.. Come to the new pink keyboard & off you go .. We are here .. Many of us, with open hearts & arms.
I do hope that you seek professional help too as Yvette suggested ;)


papercouturiere January 21, 2011 at 6:17 pm

I'm not going to say I'm sorry because it really doesn't mean much. What I will say is this: YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. YOU ARE NOT THE REASON YOU ARE IN THIS SITUATION NOW. Period. End of story. As you so bravely and courageously said, you are in this position because he would not open up to you about what was hurting him. It's natural for you to blame yourself now, but, in time, you will learn that you aren't to blame at all. you and your beautiful children and your families are the victims.

Everyday, think of the love that surrounds you and think of the countless people who are praying for you, sending you positive thoughts and positive energy. And remember to take it 1 little step at a time because alot of little steps equal a very great distance. xxxx Autumn


Marlene January 21, 2011 at 5:43 pm

It hurts my heart to think that you might blame yourself. This is NOT your fault. You did NOT do this. You have every right to be angry, to be furious!!!
Love you xoxoxoxo


Good Golly Miss Holly! January 21, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Am in tears. Fuck how I wish I could make everything better again for you my love x


Mrs Woog January 21, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Lori, in tears reading your post. It is so important you get your feelings out somewhere. And to me anyway, what you write makes perfect sense. I am angry for you and that such a unfathonable decision and rash act can change the direction of so many lives. It is not your fault. Try and see that. You did not do it. You did not do it. This is the beginning of your stages of greif coming to you, and we are all going to see you through it.
Much love
Mrs Woog xoxo


Eva Gallant January 21, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Oh, Lori. I am so sad for you and your family. You must listen to everyone; this was not your fault.


Toni January 21, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Oh, God, Lori —
What those above have said is right — NOT your fault. You should be damn angry. It was the worst thing he could have done. With the worst result.


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