Very Bad Things.

by Lori Dwyer on December 2, 2012 · 11 comments

I’m out of touch, out of the online world, somewhat incognito.. I have been for days now.

It’s been a strange kind of week, jellybeans. My Gran, who I love very much, passed away on Tuesday night. It was peaceful, and she was ready. Waiting, in fact- just hours before she died she half-jokingly gave one of the nurse’s in the hospital a serve for waking her because she was “half way to death and wanted to get there next time, thank you very much!”

It still hurts. It just… aches. Not because it’s unfair, or unjust or because she had more to do.

Just because I loved her, very much, and she and I understood each other. I respected her and admired her and she taught me a lot. And it hurts because she’s gone.

At the same time, it’s the oddest comfort. I’m watching grief unfold naturally, the way it should do… the culmination of a long, happy life, spent amongst loved ones and family and people who thought she was awesome. All of it- planning a funeral, clearing a house… it’s peace, as opposed to torture.

It’s… nice. A blessing I will take, if I can have it- bearing witness to a calmer, more prosaic form of mourning.

The funeral is tomorrow… same time, same place. Of course.

I’ll be fine… aren’t I always? Just another one of those things that must be done.


The same day my Mum phones me to let me know my gran has gone, I get sick.

My kids are with their nan. I lay down to sleep for an hour or two- I’m so tired.

When I wake up, I can’t move. I’m drenched in sweat, fever spiked but shivering and shaking and making tiny mewing sounds from the back of my throat.

I don’t remember the next few days- Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. I know my mum took my kids, drove me to the doctors, filled the prescription they gave me for the flu that is ‘going around’. I ended up in my mum’s house, soaking the sheets on her spare bed with sweat, too sick to move or eat or do anything except sleep and sweat more, buckets of sour-smelling liquid that keep me warm and freeze me at the same time.

I hallucinate. I see my gran, watching me from a corner. I have imaginary conversations with people, do things in my dreams which I then have to double check with my mother– is that real? Did that happen? And the answer, over and over, is ‘no’– I have done nothing but lay comatose while my imagination runs rampant, unable to slow down.

Mid-way through the first day of the fever, still at home, I beg my mother- in reality, not fever pitch- to please take down the photos on the wall, take down the photo of Tony, he is talking to me and will not leave me alone.

I’m feeling better… kind of. Waking up and discovering that you’ve missed three days- and still have grieving to do- is troubling and quite disorientating.

There’s so much ‘blog stuff’ that is meant to have been done, or that I should be doing right now- vlogs and posts and competitions and adventures I want to share with you guys. You’ll have to bear with me for a couple of days.

And, quite frankly, I’m too scared to open my email inbox. So if you’re waiting for one of those… bear with me, there, too.

It’s been a strange week. But December is, traditionally, a very strange month.

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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

Cassandra King December 4, 2012 at 9:40 am



marketingtomilk December 3, 2012 at 11:27 pm

Yes yes yes! Grief as natural. The natural order of things. not twisted and devastating like you've experienced before. But comforting.



JB December 3, 2012 at 10:32 am

Peace and strength, Lori.


phonakins December 3, 2012 at 9:06 am

Thinking of you babe.

Last week was a piece of hell.

Reply December 3, 2012 at 8:29 am

I'm really sorry to hear about your Nan, and wishing you and your family all the best in this sad week. And to top off the week with an illness like that? Fever dreams are the worst. Hope you feel better soon. x


Anonymous December 3, 2012 at 7:47 am

I've been checking here each day and getting more concerned each day when there were no new entries.
So sorry for the loss of your Gran. She sounded like a very special lady, as most grandparents are :)
Gill xo


Roxanne P-CH December 3, 2012 at 6:51 am

Always seems things happen all at once. What an awful
week for you. Your Gran sounds like a wonderful Lady from your posts. Heart going out to you.


Mad Cow December 3, 2012 at 6:38 am



Miss Pink December 2, 2012 at 10:10 pm

If you want, or need, drop in tomorrow. I will be home, and I know sometimes a distraction is nice.
I am so sorry to hear about your Nan. I hope you are not in too much pain. It seems very unfair for use yet another companion in life. I am sure she is whacking Tony around the ears on your behalf.

As for getting sick. What the fuck universe? That sounds awful and a lot like what I had a couple of months ago. It took me weeks to get better and I was out for a week, so I hope you are able to get better a lot faster. x


Kellie (stylishkellie) December 2, 2012 at 9:30 pm

Oh honey… that truly sucks. My love and condolences on the loss of your nan.
I hope you get better soon xx


Denwise aka Denyse Whelan December 2, 2012 at 10:30 pm

Awww honey, I'm so sorry you've been suffering so. Glad mum took you in and the kidlets. I know how much love you have for your Gran as you've spoken of her before. It was time for her to go as she said. She will always be with you..xx
pS I echo Miss Pink's words… About finding Tony for a good telling off… Now here's my 2c lovely..ask for some extra time for things that may be outstanding. You are headed towards THAT time of year… & Chop's off to school.. Take what you need to do to stay well. That's it! Love you Denyse xx


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