Monday, August 23, 2010

I Don't Do Wine.


I very recently- today, actually, but by the time I publish this it may be, like, weeks ago- returned from my mate Jangle's Big Girly Brideazilla Hen's Weekend. It was awesomeness. By some stroke of luck coincidence, the batteries in my camera died just as soon as we hopped on the wine tour bus, driven Crazy Kamikaze Wine Lady. That was OK.Some things are probably best left un-documented. But, no piccies. Boo.


As we have established, way back in one of my first ever blog posts, I don't drink. Alcohol and I just don't get along. It's a basic personality clash. I think both of us are at ease with it. Alcohol promises not to look appealing to me, I promise not to drink it. It's not difficult. My hangover generally stars within two sips of whatever lolly drink I'm consuming. Cue headache, flushed cheeks, general bitchiness.

Stolen from FinerTaste. Isn't it cool?
And the worst culprit for this is.. wine. I know. Shame, shame, shame. I just don't quite feel like a proper Stay At Home Mum without a nice glass of vino at the end of the day. But it can't be helped. On top of the aforementioned Instant Hangover, wine also makes me shudder. Seriously. Literally.

The taste of it. The smell of it.

Yuck. I can't think of much worse. Well, OK, I can, but wine rates right up there with Dorothy the Dinosaur and the FlyLady.

So I was always destined to be the only sober person on the wine tour bus. Which, as I mentioned, was captained by Kamikaze Crazy Bus Driver Lady. People on the south coast of New South Wales have an annoying habit of becoming over confident on the back roads they know well, and careening along them at 100 clicks an hour, with little regard for the personal safety of local flora, fauna, or the six tipsy chicks in the back of the bus. Nor the sober one with the still-sore bum. No seat belts. Yuhuh.

Not that it mattered. Four wineries and approximately 50 different wines later, no one cared.

Whatever. All of you (especially Thea!) will be very pleased to know that I am not totally uncultured, and I did actually try some grape. I didn't like it. But I suffered through it anyway. And I thought I'd share with you what I learned about wine this weekend. Let's call it...

The "I Don't Drink But Like To Pretend I'm A Grown-Up" Guide to Pretending To Know Stuff About Vino*.
  • It's bad form to take a sip of wine and say out loud "That is f*cking disgusting!!". You might offend the sommelier. Instead, you say "That is a wine to share with friends who I would like to poison and kill"
  • The sommelier is the dude or dudette who knows stuff about wine. Sommeliers are heaps better when diluted with a self deprecating sense of humor.
  • Wine is either sweet or dry. Sweet is fairly self explanatory. Dry tastes kind of like someone pouring battery acid on your tongue.
  • Wine has legs. The longer the legs, the you more drunk getter *hiccup*.
  • Sticky wines, ports and muscats are good. They all have long legs. Which, apart from lots of alcymahol, also means they are sweet. Which means I'll drink them. If I'm forced to.
  • Dry wines have short legs. They don't get you p*ssed quite as quickly. Which is ridiculous, really. Because not only do they taste like crap, they're also useless for getting you drunk. And isn't that the point? (Whaddya mean, no....?)
  • So, you have a choice between white wine (yuck), red wine (yucker), sparkles (fizzy and yuck), port (kinda yuck), muscat (kinda yuck but bearable) and a sticky (bearable). Oh, and then there are liqueurs (bearable, but yuck. Kind of like drinking liquid alcoholic cake mix that, of course, gives you an instant headache).
  • And I pinched this one from Today and Tomorrow. *Ahem* Thank you.
  • Spit or swallow at the cellar door? I'm not even being rude or sexy or anything. That's a serious consideration here.
  • Spitting is generally a good idea. At least for the first three tastings.
  • Food is also good. Lunch before you hop on the Kamikaze Wine Bus is essential. Brie, water crackers and olives do not qualify.
  • If you happen to fail at the last two points, please refrain from riding decorative sculptures, pinching scarecrows on the bum or using the word c**t in general conversation. At least until you are back at the safety of your hotel.
Dignity, ladies, above all, dignity.

Stay tuned for Lori's Fail Proof Guide to Running a Fully Sick Hen's Night. Coming soon.

* Is 'vino', like, a totally out-dated, bogan type word? I thought so. Awesomeness. Bogan on.
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Eva Gallant said...

That was hilarious! And so helpful!

A Daft Scots Lass said...

I never spit! and I love the "make me wine" image! Brilliant post!

Mommy Lisa said...

Such clever rules!

Kristy said...

I love, love, love red wine. I like white wine. I do not like sweet wines or port. Yuck. Sounds like it would have been a trip that I would enjoy!

The Frantic Mother. said...

LOL I don't like wine at all. I don't drink or smoke. My only bad habit is eating to much food. I like food. Not junk food and sweets but the real food like chicken, steak, and salad.

Amy xxoo said...

Thats an ever so helpful list Lori.
Truth be told, i dont drink much at all either. You'd be lucky to find me having a drink half a dozen times over the course of the year, and even then it might be two or three Midori and pineapples.
I even went two years in my early 20's ( gasp! )without drinking - i went out clubbin every weekend but just never felt the need to drink. A nice Diet Coke was enough to keep me dancing!

Thea said...

Haha! This made me laugh so much, especially seeing my name! Too funny Lori! Can't wait for the Fully Sick Hen's Night! :)

Veronica said...

I don't drink either - which makes me feel odd here in the blogosphere, where everyone seems to be having a wine at the end of the day. But it makes me WAY too ill and I'm sorry, I am sick often enough without alcohol fucking with my system.


x0xJ said...

Haha Love it! I was not a wine fan in my drinking days...but maybe i will be now i've aged?...Yeah...probably not!

Being Me said...

Awesomeness! Never knew there was sticky wine. And I call myself a wino. (I don't really.... but others might have, on occasion....)

Langdowns said...

Now I'm with you girlfriend! (Also a totally outdated bogan reference?) I can't do wine. And in return wine doesn't do me. I am "sensitive" to it and end up sick as a dog. I can however do SOME champagne and I can definitely do bourbon. But they don't do bourbon tasting tours ... that I know of ... do they?

ag. said...

Your blog is so funny, love it!
I'm not a drinker either but do try to sound like I know what I'm talking about!

Cate P said...

I never spit, I always swallow, hence I am always tankered. Have been on many winery tours. Don't remember much except one where I sat down on the floor of the cellar to pat the resident dog and couldn't get up again. Am now working on building up my resistance by wining almost every day.
That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

So Now What? said...

2 winery tours down I have to say I enjoyed the one that included the schnapps factory. Partly because I like saying schnaps and more so because it got me balind. Sadly alcohol and me mix too well. xx Funny stuff lady.

Maxabella said...

I wish wine hated me. I mean, of course it hates me, but only in the morning. It's a cruel mistress that vino. x

skinner675 said...

This post was such fun!! I'm a wine drinker but do suffer with my head the next day if I've been stressed!

River said...

I don't like wine either. Beer and spirits are even worse. Given a choice I'll always opt for mineral water.

Imperfectly Me said...

So funny - love the first tip the diplomatic!!

Jasmine said...

Drinking for me was always something done at bars or clubs - I was always a tequila girl, until I got pregnant of course. After that drinking just dropped off my radar entirely, so I've never developed wine tastes either. People show up for dinner with a bottle of wine and I'm always apprehensive because I know good manners is going to mean having a couple of glasses with them. If they show up with white, that's fine, but red ... blargh. Blargh blargh blargh. It's the equivalent of coffee to me - just can't comprehend why anyone voluntarily drinks it!

Christie said...

Haha very classy! I'm a wino..or I like to have a glass of wine at night sometimes, especially Friday night, which is tonight! Yay!

Cinda said...

Lol. Clever list.

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