by Lori Dwyer on January 24, 2011 · 350 comments

There are words that I understand now, that I didn’t before.





Keening. That, I think, is the tiny puppy noises I make, from the back of my throat, on the nights when I sob and sob. When my lips curl and I rock back and forth and weep for the man I love.

That’s keening.

Pining? Pining is the feeling that directly proceeds keening. Pining is a deep, almost whimiscal ache for the most divine love you ever knew. For the happiest you’ve ever been. For the man who portected you, who knew you inside out, who made the world a better place to be.

That’s pining.

Wishing. That’s a deep pain, a searing one. Wishes are not fairy things, not light and whispery to float in the wind. Wishing is the desire to turn back time, the feeling that you would trade antyhing to do those few minutes again.

And wanting. Wanting is so simple. I want. I want this to have never happened. I want my husband back. I want my life back. I want one more cuddle from big, strong, soft, delicious smelling arms that wrapped me up and loved me to pieces and shut the whole world out.

That is wanting.

And the oppisite, if wishing,of wanting?

Despair. Heartbreak. A huge, cold, all consuming vat of pain and hate and rage and disbelief.

Despair. Heartbreak. Unfathomable emotions. I still can’t quite get my head round this. How did this happen to my life? This happens to people I do not know. This happens on blogs I used to drop by, read once or twice, then leave. Because the depths of their despair gave me panic attacks- how would I cope with that, if that were me?

And now I know. I cope, because time goes on and i fucking have to. If there was a legitimate option to coping, something else i could do, I’d do it. I’d take it. Unmedicated childbirth, one hundred times over. My face, my body. Anything but my children. I’d trade it. For just one more minute.

The very depths of wanting, of wishing? That’s hoping that somehow the universe is able to spin itself backwards, that time is not a continuim, but that it can fold back on itself, and mistakes can be undone. Moments can be re-lived. And appreciated all over again.

And the very depths of despair is the knowledge that you are kidding yourself, that wishing and wanting only hurts, that this is it.

This is real. This is my life. My husband is dead. I am 29, and I have two tiny children. He hung himself in front of me, in a moment of madness that was so not himself, so not the Tony I know and love.

Or, as the case may be, knew. And loved.


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{ 350 comments… read them below or add one }

JallieDaddy February 7, 2011 at 9:55 am

"Fuck" is right.

I hope this blog & the support you have here can help in at least sopme small way x


Jacqui February 2, 2011 at 5:37 am

Thank you for sharing your story, you no doubt will (and already have) help a lot of people going through similar circumstances. You will probably also save a life or two, if it means people talk about depression more and seek help, so please feel proud for opening your heart for the world to see. It is your story and yours to tell, if that is what helps, so ignore the naysayers. My thoughts are with you and your children. xxx


Duly Inspired January 29, 2011 at 11:05 am

Oh God. This was so challenging to read, to experience in your words what happened. How can I hug you if I'm in Texas and you're in Australia?

One of my good friends killed herself by hanging several years ago. She checked into a hotel to do it. Every time I travel and hang up my clothes and see how low those poles really are, considering, I would think that she must have really wanted it because she would have had to hold her legs up. You've just explained to me that that is not the case (holding her knees up). Maybe she did want it; maybe it was a threat. I do not know.

It's cliche but the saying "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" is so fitting. For my friend, she couldn't the "termporary" part of the problems.

Anyway, my hat is off to you for your bravery and your choosing to share. I believe that your words will stop someone, perhaps more than one, from taking their own life.



Anonymous January 29, 2011 at 8:40 am

I've never read your blog before and I came here following a link from 'The Bloggess.com' but I felt the need to say I'm sorry for what happened to you. I cannot imagine how you are feeling, or how bad your husband must have been feeling to do what he did. I sincerely hope life gets better for you and I wish you all the best for the future. I'm just so sorry.


celtcrafts January 28, 2011 at 10:23 am

I also found you through the Bloggess. I have no words after reading through your heart wrenching posts from the month. I truly cannot imagine that kind of pain. I do know it's ok to be angry. My MIL had my FIL cremated and would get his box out and shake it and yell at him for leaving her. And then we'd laugh over that, because that too, is healthy.

I think it's incredible how many people here who have never met you want to reach out and help you in some way. Sort of gives you hope in the face of all the crappy stuff that is always on the evening news. Keep writing. You never know who/how/when it will help someone else. Hugs.


Anonymous January 28, 2011 at 3:04 am

I came here from the bloggess. You are amazing. Keep writing. Write whatever the fuck you want to. What a powerful way to try to deal with your grief, your anger, your hurt, your loneliness, and every other emotion you are experiencing.

My name is Erin. I am 36 years old with a husband and two wonderful kids. My mother, one of the best damn Momma's in the whole world, took her life two years ago. She was so, so, so, so sick. there are no words to describe suicide or what it does to loved ones and family. I am so sorry. Mental illness is so sad and scary and misunderstood. I, too, suffer from depression and anxiety, and it got much worse after my Mom died. What else to say but take the help you have with doctors and counselors and family and friends. Live the grief and suffering. Do what feels right to you.

I hope you keep writing.

Prayers and light to you,


Anonymous January 28, 2011 at 1:50 am

I too heard of you through the blogess. The tears on my cheeks for you and your family… I don't have the words. Except love, strength, hope and comfort.

Vanessa S, the Netherlands


Anonymous January 27, 2011 at 10:17 pm

Found you through The Bloggess… I wanted to wish you strength, hugs, and comfort.
I'm a "recovered" mentally ill type (depression, anxiety, ocd, ptsd) myself, I'm 'Out,' and encourage discussions whenever I can.
I dated a fellow for a few years who was an incredibly warm, caring, and strong man when he was well, and as much as I loved him, terrfying when he wasn't. He was Paranoid Schziophrenic, not that he ever told people if he could get away with it. In the end I couldn't cope with the relationship and I ended it; he attempted suicide. He was saved by a stranger and rushed to hospital. I met his doctors in a little office in the state-owned high-security psych ward and I tried to give them what I could to help him. At their advice I visited him there a a few times a week, for several months, helping talk him through it. The last I heard he was living with his parents, it's been a few years now.
I felt like I'd stepped through the looking glass, and nothing was ever going to be safe or real again. It was all just blank horror and sadness and desperation. It felt like something I could never explain to another person.
It changed me, it made me find strength I never knew I had, resources and coping skills, and Nothing scares me anymore, because I know now that when things are at their worst I can keep going. It gets better. It's a total shit-fight, but you can do it, and you will do it.


Dorothy January 27, 2011 at 9:20 pm

Maybe, because of this, people will not longer turn away from bloggers in pain, bloggers in need of love and support. Readers will no loner hop, skip and jump onto a happy mummy blog that makes them laugh, but will stay to share someone's pain, offer a word of comfort, return frequently to help the traveller on their journey.

Your loss has been profound. It is extraordinary what is happening in the blogosphere as a result. You are changing the face of mummy blogging. It is of no comfort to you, I know. Yet, in your pain, you are making an enormous difference.

I hope to meet you in Sydney in March.



Maxabella January 27, 2011 at 8:51 pm

We're listening, dear Lori. We hear your pain and we are not panicking. x


Peter January 27, 2011 at 8:22 pm

I have nothing to offer but a prayer for you and your children. The good news is that I am sure He always hears my prayers because the creaking and popping of these old knees as I assume the position just has to get His attention.

It will get easier. It will never be right but it will get easier.


Anonymous January 27, 2011 at 2:14 pm

Thinking of you. Praying for Your comfort. :(


L. R. T. January 27, 2011 at 12:22 pm


Our only connection…my name is Lori also.

I ache for the pain you are experiencing, having to live through, needing to breathe through. Pain that I cannot even imagine on my darkest days.

Though I cannot dry your tears as they flow like a river or carry your burdens that weigh the mass of the earth, please know that my thoughts and heart-felt prayers are with you and your children.

Lori *hugs tightly*


SARA January 27, 2011 at 10:29 pm

Not sure what to say but couldn't read and say nothing.
Though i don't know you personally you seem like a dear person and you have alot of people rooting for you to break through these clouds and rediscover the sunshine that is life.
I've been in a position of heart-breaking loss and i survived with time. If i could, I KNOW you can too Lori. Hang in there beautiful girl, you are in my prayers. xoxox


Michael January 27, 2011 at 10:15 am

There's an expression, "there are no words"?

Well, there are no words.

Deepest sympathy.

As my old boss used to put it, just get through the next 15 minutes. Then we'll worry about the 15 after that.


Anonymous January 27, 2011 at 9:37 am

Strength and courage to you, you can take mine if you need it. From someone who wants you to feel better.


Heather January 27, 2011 at 8:43 am

I linked over from TheBloggess and have been thinking about you a lot over the past few days. My thoughts and prayers are with you hoping you find comfort and peace eventually. Just know that there are many many people you don't know and probably will never meet out here in the computer world hoping the best for you and your children.


3_Munchkins January 27, 2011 at 6:38 pm

*hugs you really tightly*


Jessica B January 27, 2011 at 6:49 am

My prayers and well wishes are added to the masses here Lori. Just wanted to let you know that people care and that eventually it gets better…

Keep fighting girl. I think you are so brave.


Anonymous January 27, 2011 at 6:45 am

There aren't any words that a complete stranger can say to make you feel better, but if there were, I'd say them. I am extremely sorry for the situation you are in right now, as well as the illness that took your husband away from you. Just remember that your husband lives on in your children & don't forget to take care of yourself. Please.


Anonymous January 27, 2011 at 5:41 am

I found your blog via The Bloggess and I was so touched by your post. I lost a friend to suicide 13 years ago and I miss her every day. Peace be with you and your family, always.


Anonymous January 27, 2011 at 5:27 am

More love to you dear Lori.
I've no words, just love and more love for you and your dear children. xx


Anonymous January 27, 2011 at 5:16 am

"..But I am strong. As I told my husband, time and time over the last few days, I am strong. I don't know how the fuck I am doing this, but I am. One foot in front of the other. I can do this. I have to.."

This is a quote, from you, for you.



christine January 27, 2011 at 4:21 am

My god, i just want to scream for you and with you. This is horrific. I know there is so little we can do but please know that we would do anything to help you.


Anonymous January 27, 2011 at 2:17 am

Very sorry for your loss. Hold your children close. God bless you.



steff January 27, 2011 at 1:57 am

i'm notoriously bad when finding the right thing to say to someone who has just suffered such a great loss. it's probably not just me though. words can't really do justice to such a strong emotion when it's tied to something so heavy and tragic.

what i can find the words for is how admirable i think it is that you continue to blog your way through this. i bitch and moan on a regular basis about my own blog content when in reality, i should just write. write and you will find your way. i've always used writing as a coping mechanism, a form of self-therapy but sometimes we forget that we need to get through the inconsistent drivel we start out with in order to find the gem we've had inside us the whole time. that poor analogy is just my way of saying that i think the more you write about the hurt and pain the closer you may find yourself toward a "safe place". a groove that you can fit into so you can heal while the world keeps keeping on.

you clearly have a large circle of support in this community of bloggers. the internet CAN be amazing sometimes. thank you for sharing your journey with us.


Miranda January 27, 2011 at 12:21 am

[Came here via the Bloggess]

I know I'm just a stranger, but I still wish I had the right words to say for when something this fucked up happens. I send my love, thoughts and prayers to you and your family, for whatever they're worth.


thisbe January 26, 2011 at 11:11 pm

Your loss is palpable through your amazing writing. Grief made me feel as though I wasn't sure how I was going to get through the next hour, the next day, the next week.

This hellish stage is heart-breakingly unavoidable and I hope that you will eventually get to a stage where your intense feelings don’t feel like hammer blows. Thinking of you. x


theurbancowgirl January 27, 2011 at 9:57 am

I found you through the Bloggess and wanted to send some love your way.

No words I type can take away any of your pain, but I'm sending lots of love and hugs your way.


Helena January 26, 2011 at 10:47 pm

the love you have managed to convey through pixels in the shape of words shows me that he cannot be gone. Love that strong is eternal.

This is why i'm going to be a shrink, so when a brain does as brain sometimes do, there is always someone to turn to.

It's stories like this that motivate me, it's people like you; who are as strong as you. take care of yourself, my thoughts are with you and your family at this awful time. xox


--Sunrise-- January 26, 2011 at 9:49 pm


I'm really sorry to hear this. I hope one day your eyes smile again. Take care of yourself. And I am glad you are speaking, too.


Fadia M January 26, 2011 at 7:56 pm

I'm also here via the Bloggess. Really sorry for your loss, all I can do is send you hugs through the distances and hope that all the good memories with Tony will help you surpass these difficult times. Kisses, hugs, Love


Carolyn January 26, 2011 at 7:51 pm

Just another person here from Jenny's blog, wanting you to know I'm thinking of you and your kids. I can't even begin to imagine what it's like to lose your husband, but I have an inkling. My brother died of leukemia just over a year ago, after being diagnosed only 3 days before he died. None of us made it to him in time to say goodbye, which haunts the shit out of me every day. He was the smartest, funniest, kindest, most wonderful person that I will ever meet, and I miss him every single day.

The things that kept me going: the fact that he always lived his life as if every day was his last, and the fact that my whole family knew how much we all loved each other and there was nothing left unsaid.

Your comment a few days ago about feeling like nothing can touch you now really hit home. Rob's death made me realise that I'm pretty much fucking invincible. Whatever the world wants to throw at me, it can fucking bring it on, cos really – I've lived through my worst nightmare and I'm still upright. For what it's worth, in my experience, it doesn't get better, but it gets less visceral. I'm grateful that I can now think about Rob without crying and I can start to remember the good times without dissolving into a total mess. Hang in there, Lori – it really fucking sucks, but you're still standing.

Sending love,
Carolyn (csb(at)ipac(dot)caltech(dot)edu)


Julie January 26, 2011 at 7:30 pm

I found you through the Bloggess. I am so very sorry. It is so hard to lose a loved one in such a tragic way. Sending you healing thoughts and warm hugs and strength.


Allie January 26, 2011 at 7:18 pm

I know it's not the same, but my high school boyfriend took his life the same way. I may not have known him for 20 or 30 or 40 years, but I do know that silence is a crime. It truly is. Thank you so much for sharing your story, and urging others to speak out.

You are an amazing and strong woman, one that I would like to know. You are handling this far more gracefully than I did. But you know what? We are still here, and we can fight against this terrible thing.

I can't say that I know exactly how you feel, but I've been in places that would probably look very dark and familiar, and I know that the word "sorry" is empty. But I am sorry. I truly am. This kind of pain never goes away, even for me, but I can see how amazingly strong you are, and eventually you will be able to move through this somehow.

None of this is easy, and none of it is fair, and it pains me because you didn't deserve it at all. I know these words offer little comfort, but they are all that I can offer.

I am so truly sorry for your loss.


Anna January 26, 2011 at 6:50 pm

My thoughts are with you Lori.


Anonymous January 26, 2011 at 5:10 pm

You and your family are in my prayers. I hope each day the pain gets better and the burden grows lighter. Lean on those around you, it helps them as well as you.

Are you familiar with Hallie from Wonderful World Of Weiners? She recently lost her son to suicide and is struggling to get through each day. Maybe talking to someone taking the same horrible journey might help you both.


Anonymous January 26, 2011 at 4:12 pm

I guess I'm the 311th comment, and I wouldn't ordinarily, but the way you described wishing and wanting your husband back put into words all the things I've felt for 25 years. My husband didn't kill himself, he got cancer and was gone in six short, short months. I can't imagine losing the one you love and who loved you to suicide. I know you are strong, but when people comment on how strong you are, don't you want to yell at them – what do they expect? That you would do what your husband did? If not, there is nothing else to do but live each day as it comes and wish and want and dream. Stay with it, as you have been; it does get easier. You will always miss him, but the sharpness eases and you can breathe again and laugh again. I wish you love and blessings and happiness, eventually. Annie


Anonymous January 26, 2011 at 3:39 pm

Dear Lori

3 years ago a man I loved my whole life, who meant the world to me, left in a similar way to your man.

I relate to all your words so closely, it brings it all back.

Time… its all we can depend on to eventually soften the pain, and the good news is – it does. Albeit a LOT of time.

Hold tight – that time will come. And as frightening and disgusting as the thought of happiness after what you have experienced seems now – it too will return.

And in the meantime, your one critical task is to keep breathing and keep fighting the urge to succumb to the might of the pain.

I will be back soon.

Hold on Lori xx


Anonymous January 26, 2011 at 3:34 pm

this post was amazing and heartwrenching… I sincerely hope you continue to receive the help and support you need to cope with your tragedy. good luck to you and your babes.


Anonymous January 26, 2011 at 3:18 pm

All love as you deal with this horrible pain and loss. Prayers and blessings to you and your children – nothing can change what happened, but please take any comfort you can from the fact that you are loved and cared for by many who have never met you – and God, who is the ultimate Peace in despair.


chris99495 January 26, 2011 at 2:54 pm

I also came here from the Bloggess.

I would normally try and empathize with what you are going through, but I don't know that I can; all of my losses seem petty compared to yours. I will say not to let the hurt own you. Feeling loss is fine, but *only* feeling that is not.

Much good wishes though, and sorry for your loss.


Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog January 26, 2011 at 2:39 pm

It is TOTALLY fucked. And I am totally grieving for you, as much as a stranger across the internet can. My heart aches for you, Lori.


Bodaciousboomer January 26, 2011 at 2:25 pm

Young one I am much older than you. But with all the years still has not come the wisdom to know what to say to you at a time like this to make you feel better. I fear nothing will really do. But please know that you are in the minds and hearts of so many people eager to help in any way that we can. Just ask. Anytime.


Amy January 26, 2011 at 2:17 pm

You don't know me–this is my first visit today. I live in a leafy Sydney suburb as well, and I just wanted to tell you that I am so very sorry for your loss.

I am praying and will be praying for you and your sweet babies–for strength and grace to carry on, for healing, and–somehow–for peace. Bless you.


R January 26, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Here via Jenny. I want to add my hugs to the pile. There are no words for things like this, so I won't try. The Internet is pulling for you.


Ariane January 27, 2011 at 1:00 am

I wish I could say something deeply meaningful and intelligent, but it just ends up sounding weird. So I can only send you all the love and positive energy I am capable of. I'm truly inspired by your strength in this hard moment and I hope the days you'll be able to honestly, spontaneously smile again are as close as they can be.


Jess January 26, 2011 at 2:00 pm

I'm crying…and praying for you right this very second that you can have some amount of peace..some tiny amount of relief.. even for a moment. And I will keep praying because I believe God knows and hears and feels your sadness. I also think it's fine for you to scream fuck a billion times at the top of my lungs.. because that's what I would be doing. You may not feel strong right now but you are SO. STRONG. Youre getting through this day by day AND helping other people…. maybe keeping this from happening to someone else with your story. That is simply amazing.


Mommy/Bec January 27, 2011 at 12:52 am

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'll be thinking of you, and sending you prayers.

Madison, WI, USA


Duly Inspired January 26, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Oh God, this is terrible. I too found you from Jenny's website. My best friend took her life 15 years ago. Even so, I don't even have a clue as to what you are going through. I'm just here, sitting in Texas, and wishing you I don't know what, strength, time, sleep, peace, a way to put the shattered pieces together again, in a new shape that will work for you and your little ones. God bless those who are left behind. I pray for you and your children. My heart reaches out across the distance.


E January 26, 2011 at 1:02 pm

oh Lori, UGGH! I have no words for you; just primal, guttural sounds from my soul to yours… I wish I could carry some of this horror for you.


Natalie January 26, 2011 at 12:58 pm

Sending you love and thinking about your family.


Melissa January 26, 2011 at 12:58 pm

There's not a thing I can say that hasn't been said.

All I know is this. And it might sound odd. I'm incredibly glad that you're still blogging. I'm glad it's raw and real and confronting. Because it means it's really you – you're not trying to fake it. And it feels (in a strange, useless way) like we can somehow keep an eye on you this way.

I don't know how to explain it. It is just reassuring somehow to know that here, you can say what you want to say. Screw anyone who says otherwise.

You're right- you have nothing to be ashamed of. Tony was typical of people, especially men who bottled up their pain until it was too much. You speaking out like this will save lives, believe it or not. Possibly even mine. I know I've contemplated it. I now have a very, very real picture of what I would be leaving behind. It means nothing now, of course in your pain and shock. but I do believe your bravery and raw, honest posting has saved my family.

I'm sorry if this comment crosses a line or is insensitive. But I wanted to be as real as you.


Dons January 26, 2011 at 12:51 pm

I have been reading your story and I agree write whatever you want to write you are going through sheer hell and if people don't like what they read they can look away.
Thankyou for sharing for story lets hope some men do speak more and not less

Love to you and your family


Binah the Bold January 26, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Came over here from The Bloggess, and there's not much I can say that hasn't already been said, but you deserve a comment from everyone who reads this blog, even if only to acknowledge that we care. We are here for you and we know it is hard – God, that's such an understatement, I'm sure. We want to help and, even though most of us have never met you, we love you and offer our support.


gryph07 January 26, 2011 at 12:32 pm

I saw this on the Bloggess. I've read your story. I know that sorry doesn't help, but I am sorry that you have to go through this. I'm not much older than you are, and I can't imagine what it's like. But you aren't alone. And we out here are sending you our love and support too.

Hang in there. You will make it. I believe in you.


Anonymous January 26, 2011 at 12:08 pm

Just devastating for you, your children, his family and yours.
Take your time. Take care. Seek the help you need. Slowly, slowly you will make sense of this.


Anonymous January 26, 2011 at 11:18 am

i just wanted to say thank you. thank you for not being silent and sharing your thoughts and feelings. i can't imagine what you're going through right now, but i can relate to your story.


Anonymous January 26, 2011 at 10:55 am

I just followed a link from Jennys blog and have read your latest few posts. I am in tears for your loss and your grief. I am so sorry that I don't know what to say or do to help. You will be in my prayers.


Andrea Weckerle January 26, 2011 at 10:19 am

I won't pretend that words alone will help you heal, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Others, myself included, have suffered immeasurable loss, so we know the pain you're experiencing and the challenges ahead…but you are not alone.


jean January 26, 2011 at 9:52 am

I am a stranger – but I am so deeply sorry. Your words are beautiful and so descriptive that I can't help but feel SOME small version of your feelings with you. Sending you, your children and your loving husband on the other side peace and healing.


Melissa January 26, 2011 at 8:51 am

I too found you on The Bloggess, and wanted to send you love. The human experience of loss is I think one of the most complex feelings ever experienced- and it is only love, and time, and breathing in and out every minute of the day that helps to get through it. I send you love, prayers, and the hope that all of the others who are doing the same will help you.

Keep breathing.
LOve- Melis


Cassondra January 26, 2011 at 8:51 am

I tried to comment, then it appeared to hang, so I'm retrying. I don't mean to repost, so sorry if I accidentally to.

Wow, this is my very worst nightmare, the one that keeps me up at night crying as quietly as possible so that I don't wake up my husband. And you're living it. I'm so very sorry, so very very sorry. I'll be praying for you now. Each and every time I'm awake in the middle of the night and can't get that nightmare out of my head I will pray for you, for the rest of my life.


Jenn January 26, 2011 at 8:46 am

i don't know if this will help. in fact i know that nothing can help. but. i blogged my way through very unexpectedly losing my mother. i know it's not the same but i'm sure the topsy turvy rollercoaster of despair might be similar.


becca January 26, 2011 at 8:07 am

leaving some love through the bloggess. I can't say I've gone though anything even close to this…so, I don't know what to say. Blessings? This too shall pass?

anyway, sending LOVE…


Chelsea Talks Smack January 26, 2011 at 7:43 am

I am so so so sorry and saying sorry doesn't even seem to touch the tip of the ache I feel for you reading this…I am sending you so much love, so much healing and support.


Langdowns January 26, 2011 at 7:40 am

You are writing beautifully Lori. I know that is an odd thing to say in amongst all of this but if your writing keeps you semi sane then do it. Your words about your husband are lovely.


Anonymous January 26, 2011 at 7:32 am

Like others, I've come here from The Bloggess' site.

And I wish, oh how I wish, that I had words that could magically heal it all. And if they couldn't heal it all, I wish that somehow I had some magical power through words that could ease even the tiniest bit of your pain. Because I'd keep typing and typing and typing until it was gone. If I, as a total anonymous stranger, could take a piece of your burden and shoulder it for you, I'd gladly do it.

But you. Your words. Your words are real. They're strong and they're inspiring. Keep writing. Please. And know that there's a community out there hurting for you, that wants to comfort you and finds themselves inspired by you.

Please know that you're not alone.


planb January 26, 2011 at 7:31 am

Just to say that I am still reading, still thinking and still hoping that you will all get through, somehow. Through the pain and the keening and the despair…. sending love.


lacy January 26, 2011 at 7:20 am

My cursor keeps blinking… waiting for words as inspiring and moving as your own. My heart and deepest thoughts go out to you and your babies. Things may feel like shit right now, but eventually you'll be able to move forward. And everything will be okay.


stacebird January 26, 2011 at 6:48 am

Hi Lori, I've read through your beautifully written posts after following a link from The Bloggess. Keep writing if it makes you feel better, keep writing so we know you're okay, keep writing because it is the best way for you to unleash your emotions. We will be here in the comments section, cheering you on, so impressed by your enormous strength. I love how so many of us from the Bloggess have come over to find out what an amazing person you are. You just keep repeating to yourself, you are so fucking strong and it is proven just by the fact that you can make it into a standing position each day. Don't criticize yourself right now, give yourself a break. Just work on healing, one step at a time. And we are here cheering…


Keith January 26, 2011 at 5:02 am

Much concern and caring from Minnesota. I'm not even sure where you live.

I hope that you can emerge from all this shock and horror and start to put your life in order soon.


Anonymous January 26, 2011 at 4:53 am

I can't even imagine what you are going through. This may not mean a whole lot, but I'm praying for you and my heart is breaking for you. I'm amazed at your strength and courage to write these words. Sending you love and support today from Orlando, Florida.


maryhelenstoltz January 26, 2011 at 4:49 am

It might not feel like it, but what you're doing is amazingly brave. People go through things like this and just don't talk about it. Nobody does. I'm so glad you're sharing your experience.

I'm also sending you love, grace and peace. Buckets of it. I wish there was something more I could do.


Heartworks January 26, 2011 at 4:39 am

I read your story yesterday and I had no words for your loss. And today it happened to me. My dear friend shot himself during a psychotic episode last night. Thank you for sharing your story. I feel less alone in my shock and grief. May the strength of all these people who care surround and uplift you.


Rita January 26, 2011 at 4:23 am

I am so so sorry for your loss. I don't have any wise words but I wish you and your family well and I hope the hardest times are in your past.


Not Too Old January 26, 2011 at 4:19 am

I came here from The Bloggess, as quickly as I could. I don't know your pain, but I do know this pain. And I'm praying for you and would do anything for you in a heartbeat.


Sarah and Steve January 26, 2011 at 4:10 am

Another who found you through the Bloggess… Just sending thoughts, hugs and prayers to you and your family. That is a pain no one should have to know. Hang in there and keep fighting the good fight, do what you need to do, and know there are lots of people to support you!


Apfel January 26, 2011 at 4:05 am

I don't even know what to say…. Hugs… Sending lots of love for you and your kids…


The Andersens January 26, 2011 at 4:03 am

Another stranger who is sending you and your babies all the love and prayers I have to give right now. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you are in. I read this yesterday, and last night, while rocking my 3 year old daughter in the dark before bed, all I could think about was how if I had to go through what you are right now, I would never, ever be able to be alone with my thoughts in the dark ever again. I sincerely pray that there is an angel or something there in the dark with you at night to hold you and grant you at least a tiny bit of relief in sleep… at the very least I hope all the love and prayers that surround you right now hold you up at the worst times. Thinking of you.


jennster January 26, 2011 at 3:52 am

i am so sorry for your loss. loss. stupid word. like you just lost a fucking baseball game or something. i can't even pretend to imagine what you're going through, but you expressed it so well that my chest was in knots just reading and aching for you.
the word regret keeps coming into my head, from who knows where. i know i'm not making any sense. lol


Anonymous January 26, 2011 at 3:48 am

I don't know what to say to you. What can anyone say to make this go away and not be happening to you? A little over one year ago, I lost my perfect life and my perfect marriage, and everything that I thought was true and real was gone. And no one understood, and they got tired of my despair, and they left me alone with it.

And people say that you don't appreciate what you have until it's gone, but that's not true. I knew every fucking day what I had. And I understand the words in your blog post now.

But what can anyone say? I wish that you were not going through this. I wish people could undo the hurt for each other. I won't be able to call you or stop by to see if you're okay, but I truly wish I could. I would have given anything to have had someone do that for me, and I wish I could do that for you. But I promise to stop by your blog to see if you're okay. So many people care whether you're okay.


Anonymous January 26, 2011 at 3:18 am

Lori, I ache for you. I don't know you, but I have a friend who, just last week, experienced exactly the same thing. She has two little children, a three month old baby and a 2 yo. She's in hell. All I can offer is that your honesty helps me to better understand how she must feel right now. And that you are not alone. Horribly. Terribly. Totally unbelievably NOT ALONE. I am SO, SO SORRY.


Grams January 26, 2011 at 3:13 am

Came over from The Bloggess. I'm sorry you're going through this seems so inadequate. Keep writing. There is real power in words. Keep using your voice. It's absolutely the right thing to do.


Heather Barton January 26, 2011 at 2:30 am

In this instance that GOD for the Internet and blogging. As every one of us tells our story, gets ourselves out there, through the joys, the pain, everything… perhaps we'll change completely this need to hide our flaws and faults, one blog at a time.

Strangers love you as you can see from the outpouring of love comments. We (your blog audience) are ready to be your rock when you need to vent, vomit or cry verbally.



The Absence of Alternatives January 26, 2011 at 2:30 am

Your words are powerful. They sound to be healing and ripping at the same time. In time I hope that healing gets a bit of an upper hand over the ripping. Keep on writing. You have an entire army behind you for whoever that tzk tzk you.


Allisone January 26, 2011 at 2:22 am

Love, prayers, support and anything else I have that you need … all yours.


bekkles January 26, 2011 at 2:07 am


In this time when you could most understandably be giving the world a wide berth you are sharing your grief, sharing your words, and, I have no doubt saving lives.

I wish upon wishes that this could help with the ugliness of what you are experiencing right now. But perhaps in months or years to come you can look back on these comments and see the ripples you have sent around the globe. the people you have reached.



Random January 26, 2011 at 12:55 am

I don't even know you and my heart breaks for you…. I can tell from your writing that you are strong, but I'm so sorry you have to be. This sucks. Sending loves and good vibes and all other good stuff from Texas. And everything's bigger in Texas!


freakgirl January 26, 2011 at 12:50 am

You are loved.


Tonya January 26, 2011 at 12:42 am

I wish I had something beautiful to say, something that would somehow ease your pain or make you feel less alone but, alas, I do not. There are no words for what you are going through and I'm not going to pretend that I understand your horrific situation. All I can say is I'm so so sorry!!!
The only other thing I can say is that my aunt went through a similar situation and she is an amazing, beautiful, strong woman even though for months/years she didn't realize just how much. Love to you.


Becky January 25, 2011 at 9:48 pm

So much love to you, dear Lori. So, so much love.


Oscar's Mum January 25, 2011 at 9:15 pm

I have no words, just my best wishes for you and your family.


Kaetrin January 25, 2011 at 8:56 pm

I found you through Krisngoodbooks via Blogess. Sometimes things suck. I'm sorry that it's sucking so much for you and your kids right now. I can relate. The best piece of advice I can give is something a good friend told me when I'd lost yet another baby. Breathe. Sometimes that's all you can do. But, keep doing it – it gets easier. Hugs.


Nikki January 25, 2011 at 8:20 pm

Had a read through your blog after the Bloggess mentioned you. I feel so heartbroken for you. I know there isn't a thing I can say to change how you feel, but know that we are all out here sending strength your way. You are an amazing woman xo


Anonymous January 25, 2011 at 7:59 pm


I read about five blogs on a regular basis, but I have never commented on a blog before. I became aware of your story after reading a post by The Bloggess (and I will now count your blogs amongst those that I follow)

I know you aren't feeling it right now, but I think that your choice to continue to write about what you are going through is so very brave. Mental illness is such a taboo subject, but it affects so many people, either directly or in-directly.

I'm a psychologist, and I've worked with family members in your position before. As much as friends and family can support you right now, please please please consider getting some professional support too.

Look after yourself…



SA January 25, 2011 at 7:42 pm

Lori, I haven't been reading for a long time, but I'm twistedly hooked on your words. I so wish this was just a story. You write, oh wow you can write and with so much heart and its just raw but beautifully written. Your words have touched, and will touch so many people.

The only thing I want to say, if you manage to read through all 250 comments before me is to remember the instructions we are given onboard a plane. Always put your own oxygen mask on before assisting children or others. Same way here, let your children go to your mother until you are available.

Please don't stop writing. I'm already sending a link to someone I'm desperately trying to keep on this side of life. I need her to see what she might leave behind. I know its selfish, to ask you that. I just hope you can see there is a purpose, in this horrible after math.

sending thoughts and love from not so far away.

Make sure you ask for help too Lori.


Helena Roth January 25, 2011 at 7:41 pm

Spreading the truth of "you speak!" – make sure you keep on speaking as well!
Love from Sweden


Chudex's January 25, 2011 at 7:40 pm
Annie January 26, 2011 at 5:31 am

Wishing you peace in time.


Anonymous January 25, 2011 at 6:13 pm

This is my first time here, I found you through The Bloggess. I honestly don't know you and you don't know me, but at a time like this that is not what matters.
What matters is that you need to know that people are there for you and care about you. I have read about you and you are a very strong woman. There are no words that I can say that will take the pain away but know that if there were I would say them, SCREAM them at the top of my lungs for you.
I wish upon you courage to get through this difficult time and strength to move on with your life.
Peace of mind will come in time but until then be upset, be angry, be sentamental, be crabby, be sad, be A MOM!, be anything because you have the right to feel however the hell you want for as long as you want.
But with that know that this is not the end for you and you will still be that powerfull, strong and caring mother you have always been.
I give you my condolences and wish you everything you need to get through this time.
You are never alone!!


Kristin January 25, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Here via Jenny…I am so sorry for your loss and everything you must now face. {{{Hugs}}}, prayers, and wishes for some peace of mind coming your way.


Karen January 26, 2011 at 4:13 am

I know. From his side, I've been there. I spoke up, I wish that he had. I wish I could give you that moment back and change it. Please know, even though you don't know me, I cry for your loss and pain. You are my sister on the other side of the equation. I would help you with more than my own tears if I could. If I ever can…k.oliviadelaney@hotmail.com


Anonymous January 25, 2011 at 4:30 pm

The Bloggess seems to have sent you many a reader, including myself.
I'm not going to pretend that I have felt a pain as deep as this before, but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry and I am sending you so much love and support in hopes that it will help hold you and your children up and heal you all, even when that seems impossible to do.
You are SO strong and it amazes me. I know you have a lot of supporters on here, and maybe together we can at least make this less horrible.


Amy January 25, 2011 at 4:26 pm

All I can give you is love. You have been in my thoughts every minute since I read your blog for the first time today. I pray for you and your babies.


jess January 25, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Jenny sent me. I'm so sorry. I will be following and worrying and praying for you and your kids.

Thank you so much for being honest about this and letting the world know that mental illness is not something that should be hidden or covered up. My heart is with you.


Slagathor -otherwise known as- Lindsey Locke January 25, 2011 at 4:14 pm

I could never pretend to know what you're going through. I had a very dear friend meet the same fate, but that pales in comparison to your current situation.

My thoughts are with you. I hope that your vocalization about this tragedy helps others that are scared to speak out about their depression.

Your strength inspires me. May you soon see the light at the end of this dark, horrible tunnel.


Woman with a Hatchet January 25, 2011 at 4:13 pm

I am so very sorry for your loss. You're right that sorry doesn't begin to cover anything, but there are no words to cover what you've been through. Strength to you and yours.


Gordon January 25, 2011 at 3:49 pm

I know damn well that there's nothing I can say to make this feel even a tiny bit better. I've been grappling with bipolar disorder and chronic depression for years myself, and I try very hard to let it just be a part of my life, and not all of my life. The Blogess's post about your situation made me want…no, need, to come here and tell you that you are not alone, and that it can, albeit slowly, get better. But those words seem hollow. I wish I could buy you a coffee and give you a hug that I think you may kind of need. I can't pretend to know what you're going through, but I do wish you didn't have to, so very much.


Green In OC January 25, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Oh, Lori, I wish that I could wish this away for you.

I have been on the trauma end of suicide 4 too many times – one of whom was a fiance.

The only advice I will give you is when you feel up to it read the book "The Enigma of Suicide".

I love the honor you eulogized your husband with, "You Speak". I think you should continue to take that advice by writing and speaking as much as you need and want to – it's beautiful, raw, painful and real.


ShoeGirl January 25, 2011 at 3:13 pm

I heard about you through The Bloggess. Just hugs and hugs to your babies. Lots of hugs.


ShoeGirl January 25, 2011 at 3:13 pm

I heard about you through The Bloggess. Just hugs and hugs to your babies. Lots of hugs.


misssy m January 26, 2011 at 2:01 am

Given everything that has happened to you…I dunno…I actually feel rage for you. A friend of mine in New Zealand left his family. he threw himself off a cliff. We still don't really know why. he never told anyone what was wrong.

After the shock came anger. Sadness came later. Anyone who ever feels like this should read your posts over the last month. Please tell somebody. Read Lori's eulogy to her husband.

You love your husband and I'm sorry if this seems out of turn but you must also be really fucking angry. It's OK to be angry.


hkmichelle January 25, 2011 at 2:57 pm

This isn't fair. This isn't right. Life isn't supposed to happen this way. You have every right to be angry, mad, hurt, hurt, and more hurt. I wish I could turn each of your tears into diamonds that I could give to God to bring back your Tony. I know I can't though. But I know I can ask the Holy Angels to hold you, to guide you, to heal you, and to put that one foot in front of the other each time you feel like you can't do it, each time you feel numb. You are so not alone, Lori. Please let yourself be enveloped in the love each one of us has for you and your children. You are on my heart and in my prayers.


Anonymous January 25, 2011 at 2:50 pm

Thinking of you today, sending you healing thoughts.


Elizabeth January 25, 2011 at 2:44 pm

I wish I had something to say that would help in any way. I'm mesmerized and horrified by your situation and experience. I won't sleep well tonight.


Cynthia Yockey, A Conservative Lesbian January 25, 2011 at 2:35 pm

I am a widow and am here through The Bloggess. Even when the death of a spouse is expected, the loss tears every fiber of your being, which hurts like living hell. And a thousand little bereavements follow the first one because, as you've noticed, your mind and heart haven't totally registered the loss. Usually you'll feel like your spouse is there when you wake up, or you are running on automatic. It may take several months before you remember all the time. You just have to ride it out. Also, there's no such thing as closure, this is always going to hurt. It's just not always going to fill up your entire horizon — time will just naturally pull you on and bring in new experiences. If you are open to homeopathic remedies, look into the Bach Flower Remedies — the one called "Rescue Remedy" is very soothing for shock and grief. I send you love and hugs.


Cheryl January 25, 2011 at 2:24 pm

Here via The Bloggess..

There are no words.

But I am so grateful you are sharing yours. Not just because you might help someone and keep them from causing their family unspeakable pain, but also for you. In hopes, in some way, you will heal.


CCB January 25, 2011 at 2:21 pm

The bloggess sent me here, and I wanted to say I'm so sorry, and you are in my thoughts and prayers. You are very brave.


Anonymous January 25, 2011 at 2:17 pm

I heard about your blog from The Bloggess. I think you are amazingly brave for putting so much out there for so many people. I have suffered most of my life from major depressive disorder and social anxiety of disorder and I also feel that the best thing I can do is to just talk about it. I've had numerous people come back to me months, years even after talking to them about it how it helped them ask for help. So keep doing what you need to do because I guarantee you that people are listening and people will get help, and help someone else get help. You and your family are in my thoughts.


Bethany January 25, 2011 at 1:43 pm

I love you. And I'm sorry.


Gina in Canada January 25, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Dear Lori,
I don't even know what to say.
I wish the pain would let you breath.
Your words took my breath away.
I wish I could give you a hug.


Anonymous January 25, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Coming over from the Bloggess to send you love and prayers.


Anonymous January 25, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Didn't understand the word keening until I wondered who was making that noise and realized it was me.

Didn't understand that sob was a action verb until I was curled up….

Didn't understand the word friend until I discovered I would never make it without them….

My husband of 25 years walked out on me and the kiddos. Surprise! No warning at all. Complete abandonment.

Hold on to your children. You will stop crying (eventually), you will eat again, you will stay strong on those days even when you don't want to. Surround yourself with everything good. Concentrate on good memories. Remember, Dr Suess: Those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind. And finally remember how loved you are… you have friends… wish I could just give you a hug. Drat, my daughter caught me crying again…..stay strong.. jana.parker145@yahoo


Beth Noel January 25, 2011 at 12:53 pm

I'm so very sorry. My heart aches for you and your babies. Wishing that words could ease your pain.



seasidechik January 25, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Lori, I know this may not mean very much now, but Im going to tell you anyway.

I have been "stalking" you for some time. I think I started reading when you were talking about weaning your son off of his dummies (around then, anyway). I found you through Toni, at ChickChat.

I have shared your journey of loss and heartbreak with my husband, hoping that it would help him, and in turn me. See, my husband is severely clinically depressed. I have known since Highschool, but could never make him take that step. Just before you began to write about the loss of Tony, he finally went to the doctor, but wouldnt have a follow up appointment. Your pain, and loss, has finally made him realise that he needs to speak. That he needs to get help, if not for himself, then for us, fo our family, and for our 2 kids (4, 21mnth).

I thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for everything, every single word you have written heresince that day, because every word of it, encourages my husband to keep taking the steps that lead him in the right direction.


Mysterious Mystery January 25, 2011 at 12:36 pm

I don't know you. I probably never will… But I understand you.


Anonymous January 25, 2011 at 12:00 pm

I'll speak, thank you for the reminder, I needed it. Jean.


Anonymous January 25, 2011 at 11:45 am

I wish I could think of something more meaningful than "I'm sorry," but I'm not finding anything. I'm sorry this happened. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this and raise two small children at the same time. I hope that one day, soon, things will be a little easier, a little less painful.


Anonymous January 25, 2011 at 11:36 am

Just stopping by from The Bloggess to say that I cannot imagine your pain. To say I'm sorry is so trite…so I won't. I pray your pain lessens to a point that it can be coped with. So you can be there for your tiny babes. Your family is in my prayers. And don't let anyone tell you what you can and can't post on here. You do whatever you need to do to stay sane, sister. Pulling for you from California, Rebecca.


Jenny January 25, 2011 at 11:13 am

I just wanted to say, Hugs. I cannot imagine your pain or your power or your resilience. You are amazing and strong, and people you do not know think kindly thoughts about you and your family.

so, Hugs Hugs Hugs


Nicole January 25, 2011 at 11:11 am

Oh…and even though you don't know me, if there's anything you feel like I should tell patients or their families – anything that you think can help people speak up when they need to most – hit me up.



Nicole January 25, 2011 at 11:09 am

Hi Lori,

This is my first time here, I found you through Jenny's blog (The Bloggess). I just want to say that I'm so sorry for what you and your family are enduring right now. The speech you made at Tony's funeral was beautiful, and I hope that you've reached some folks here who NEED to speak out yet.

I hope you can find some peace soon. I am a psychiatrist, and I will think of you when I'm advocating for my patients. *hugs*



Anonymous January 25, 2011 at 11:08 am

Lori – When I was 7, my father took his life while my sister and I played in the next room. Maybe I can be a voice from the future for you: it's been a long, painful road, but we ended up okay. We still miss him a helluva lot, but we all ended up okay.

That being said, damn. I'm so, so sorry. Thank you for letting us be there for you.


Lindsay January 25, 2011 at 11:01 am

Another visitor from Jenny…I'm so sorry. I don't know how much words can help, but I would wrap you in a big internet hug if I could.


Su Chin January 25, 2011 at 10:51 am

Big Hugs… I pray you will find peace in this madness. I pray that Tony has found his peace too.

Big Hugs.


HeatherLoftiss January 25, 2011 at 10:49 am

Found you via The Bloggess, like many others. You and yours will remain in my prayers. I'm sorry for your loss. You've touched so many people with your blog. Hopefully you will save someone else's husband, wife, sister, brother or child. Stay strong. You are loved.


Rocky Mountain Woman January 25, 2011 at 10:26 am

I wish I could just hug you….

I lost my husband to a heart attack when he was 42 and I was 40. Then, several years later, my 30 year old son died of a heart attack leaving three little ones. I have no answers for you, no real words of comfort, just know you aren't alone, you can go on, you have to go on….




bekkitae January 25, 2011 at 10:20 am

Another person thinking of you. I can't begin to imagine how you feel, but I am sending you and your tots strength, and love, through the universe.

You are so incredibly brave – even though you may not feel it – acknowledging the words, the pain, the loss and the hatred – and sharing them. When there is help that can be given there are so many people here who will, in any way they can.


Leora January 25, 2011 at 10:20 am

Im so terribly horribly sorry you have to suffer through this. My husband suffers from severe depression, bipolar and OCD and it's a constant daily battle and guessing game we play to see how he is and what we can do. I'm so very sorry that things turned out this way for you. I will be telling my husband every day to speak, for Tony, for you and your kids, and for us.


Jammie January 25, 2011 at 10:16 am

I do not know you personally, I to found you from the bloggess, time will not heal, but will let you raise those babies the best you know how. I am so sorry for your loss! (((hugs)))


Anonymous January 25, 2011 at 10:15 am


I stumbled across the blog via someone I follow on Twitter. I then sat and read for quite some time. Your blog has been an eye-opener and truly is what blogging should be about … informing, entertaining, sharing, unloading.

As a single male the parenting stuff I can find amusing.

As a human being the mental illness pieces are touching and moving. I am lucky not to suffer that way but I have a physical disability and the more people talk about these types of things the less of a stigma there will be about them.

But for me the beauty is that as I sit here reading your blog on the other side of the world (me ready to go to bed, you about to awake) that there's a real connection between 2 people who have never met.

If that is not what "social media", blogging and Twitter are about then maybe I have misunderstood.

Be strong and know that you are not alone going through these things.

Andy (@whatAbanker)


Suniverse January 25, 2011 at 10:04 am

So very, very sorry. I'm here via the Bloggess. I want you to know that I wish I had more words, better words, any words that could help you.

I am so sorry. You are loved.


Chrysalis January 25, 2011 at 9:58 am

I will light candles for you and your family. I will remember your pain. I will read through your archives about Tony and I will remember him.

I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. I do not have adequate words. I am a hugger. I would hug you if I could.


Black Cat Ranch January 25, 2011 at 9:51 am

I found you through the Bloggess & wanted to drop by & wish you well. I'm very sorry that you're having to deal with such pain – no one should have to.

I send you much love, many hugs & positive & healing energy. Smooches, Lucy


Di Nosaur January 25, 2011 at 8:48 pm

I dont know you and yet I want to surround you in love and take away some of the pain.



Anonymous January 25, 2011 at 9:35 am

Dear Lori, I found you via Jenny's blog. And this is what I want to say: One summer in high school, I went to a sleep away camp with kids from all over the country. One of my best camp friends was this wonderfully badass young woman from Bushwick, Brooklyn. She constantly made fun of me for saying "I'm sorry" for everything. Someone else stub their toe? I'm sorry. Got a C on your exam because you were too hungover to get to class on time? I'm sorry. Impending parental divorce? I'm sorry. "Listen girl!" she would say, "You cannot be saying I'm sorry for all this shit. Did you stub that toe? NO. You know what you say when you feel bad for somebody? You say, THAT IS SOME FUCKED UP SHIT."

So, Lori, THAT IS SOME FUCKED UP SHIT. I may never meet you in person. But I want to thank you. From one person living with the aftermath of mental illness in the family to the other, Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your story. That is some seriously fucked up shit. And anyone that tries to shame you or tell you what to do with this situation can go fuck themselves, because it is hard.

I will be praying and praying and praying for you. There are so many of us out here in internet-land sending support and love and prayer your way. Don't ever forget that you deserve all of this love.


annie January 25, 2011 at 9:09 am

Lori, I found you via Jenny's blog and I am sorry to hear of your loss. My husband as 28 when he began experiencing mental changes that were part of what eventually came to be diagnosed as a terminal illness – but he kept the changes to himself, hiding what he could and rationalizing the rest, so when his mind finally collapsed – it was a shock.

He's been dead five years now. That still hurts, but life doesn't hurt anymore. Things get better, which is a hurt in its own smaller way sometimes. Don't lose sight of yourself – take it slow and be gentle, and ask for help when you need it b/c people are slow and reluctant to reach out b/c they are afraid of intruding.


Semele January 25, 2011 at 9:06 am

I'm here via Kelli via Jenny.

I'm deeply sorry for your loss. I'm Greek Orthodox, and our traditional condolence is "May his memory be eternal." I hope Tony lives on in the hearts and minds of everyone who knew him.

You, your children and Tony will be in my thoughts and prayers.


foxy January 25, 2011 at 9:02 am

This is my first time here and I just had to say that you are in my prayers. I wish there was something else I, or anyone, could say to make it easier for you. And for the children. My heart goes out to you, love.


Naperville Now January 25, 2011 at 8:46 am

Lori — My heart goes out to you and the children. Prayers for strength, forgiveness — whatever you may need. We are pulling for you.


BMSD January 25, 2011 at 8:43 am

Jenny sent me here. I am grateful to her, and, as odd as it may sound in this time of incredible, paralyzing grief, I am grateful to you, too.

You see, my husband could have been where you are now, and, if not for some meds, a great psychotherapist, an incredible spouse and, basically, a team of people helping, I could have been where your husband is.

I know so much how he felt, and I relate so much to his desperation, to the need for release, to the final, calm understanding that everyone would be better off without me anyway. I've been in that horrible place–stuck in that moment–sure I would never get out of it, and that the most merciful thing I could do for the children and husband I adored more than anything would be to set them free from them miserable person I was. It is only timing and, perhaps, luck, that kept me from the actual act, though I had concrete plans.

What I wasn't thinking clearly about–what I didn't understand *at all* during those gut-wrenching days–was what it was like for the people who loved me, and what they would go through if I left them behind. The legacy of heartbreak I would bestow upon the very people I was trying to spare. I had no clue about any of that. I thought I would be doing them a favor, in the end.

What you have written has shown me how horrifically mistaken I would have been. I am so, so lucky to have read what you have written, so that I can know that my family wants me to stay. More than anything in the world. And to know, that if I go, it will not be what I thought it was.

I hate that it took losing your husband, and, even more, that it took your children losing their father, for me to see this. Hate it. It is horrible and wrong and fucked, like you said. But if there is any tiny grain of consolation to be gained from knowing that his death gave me that perspective, please take it. If there is any way that knowing your writing about your experience could save lives could bring you a tiny glimmer of peace, please enjoy it. You deserve every bit of that you can find, especially now.

I thank you for being brave enough to share your story. I needed a wake-up call to remind me that the minute I chose to love, my longevity was no longer just about me. The minute I chose to become part of a family, it became about them too. It is so, so hard to see in the midst of despair. I'm sorry for him, and for you, and for your precious children. I know how much he loved you all, and how his feelings about himself and choice about his life were no reflection of the measure of that–if it were, he would certainly still be here. I've been where he was–I know that pain and hurt and struggle. I wish he'd had words like yours in his life before he made his choice, so that maybe he would find the inspiration I have found in them to keep trying. I wish it so very badly.

Again, thank you for talking. I wish you peace and an abundance of love and light.


Sharon January 25, 2011 at 8:37 am

Until I knew real sorrow, I had no idea what "heartbreak" was. I thought it was just feeling bad over a boyfriend or something. I didn't know that it feels like your heart is literally breaking to pieces in your chest.

I have some idea of how you feel and I am so sorry. The pain is terrible. It does ease, though. In tiny tiny increments so small that you don't notice at all. Then one day you wake up and say "OK, I can live. Just enough." That day will come.


Anonymous January 25, 2011 at 8:34 am

I wanted to write you this long cathartic message that would somehow lessen the blow of this all.

Zero comes to mind.

All I can offer is my thoughts for you and your family.

Love to you and your family.


melaenis January 25, 2011 at 8:29 am

big digital internet hug.


Anonymous January 25, 2011 at 8:20 am

Lori, I love you. I don't know you, but Jenny the Bloggess loves you. And she's an amazingly special lady. So, you must be so too. Love and prayers for you and your children.


Erika January 25, 2011 at 8:13 am

I'm here via Jenny, but I've dropped by from time to time on my own. There are no words. But let me say this: keep writing. Keep talking. Keep listening. Get angry. Throw something. Hold your kids. Hug them. Hard. Scream. And know that there are lots and lots of us out here who are here to listen, to hope, and to pray.


Jessica January 25, 2011 at 8:03 am

Hey, Lori.

I can't tell you I know what you're going through, but you aren't alone. And I don't know who you are, but you're a badass and I love you.

*all the internet hugs*


Chunky Knubby Navel January 25, 2011 at 7:50 am

I'm am praying for you and your little ones.


Anonymous January 25, 2011 at 7:46 am

Sending a million hugs your way.
You will get through this, my dear.
We are all here for you to lean on when
you need us.



Anonymous January 25, 2011 at 7:39 am

Hi Lori,

Also here from the Bloggess. I know that you don't know me and that I cannot ever imagine the pain you must be in. But I know that there are things that we forget when we are in pain. I just wanted to remind you that you are important. You will get through this for yourself and for your children. I will send you positive vibes, good thoughts and a virtual hug from a stranger.



Summer January 25, 2011 at 7:33 am

I found your blog today, and I wanted to say I'm so sorry. I know that does nothing, but that's all I know to say. I just lost my cousin to suicide a month ago. The aftermath of her decision is something I can't believe, fathom, or fix for her husband that adored her or her mother who will never be the same person ever again. Reading your story brings out those same emotions I feel for her family.

I can't imagine the pain or trauma your heart has endured. You and your kids are in my thoughts right now.


GB's Mom January 25, 2011 at 7:18 am

No words. {{{Hugs}}}


Watercolor January 25, 2011 at 7:17 am

Hugs and prayers


LucidLotus January 25, 2011 at 7:00 am

Here through the Bloggess. Keep howling, we'll be here listening. You are a light in this world. Peace to you.


Julia January 25, 2011 at 7:00 am

Hi Lori,

I found your blog thru the bloggess and her post today. I am so very sorry for all that your heart is enduring right now.


murgatroidgerow January 25, 2011 at 6:58 am

I will pray for you.


A Vapid Blonde January 25, 2011 at 6:43 am

I can't even fathom the depth of your pain. It's is heartbreaking.

Big Hugs from a stranger.


Sayre January 25, 2011 at 6:43 am

I am crying for you now. For your children. For your husband. And for the illness that shattered your lives. I came so close to walking in your shoes, once up on a time. Big hugs, all enveloping, for you and your kids.


lifeofadoctorswife January 25, 2011 at 6:37 am

Visiting from The Bloggess to say how sorry I am for your loss. Thinking of you and your family and wishing you the strength to keep going in the face of such despair.


pvz January 25, 2011 at 6:36 am

thinking about you and sending strong thoughts. not sure how humans manage, but we do manage. know that you have support around the world.


Gee January 25, 2011 at 6:13 am

I think that the fact you can write so openly and brutally honestly about this is amazing.
What's happened to you is horrendous, and I wish I could give you some words, from one stranger to another, that might somehow help you.
All I can say is that you're in my thoughts, and I hope you can continue to find the strength to continue each day.
Good luck, lady. We're all rooting for you.


Carolyn @ http://carolynsfamilyblogspot.blogspot.com January 25, 2011 at 6:07 am

Fuck is right. I am amazed at your strength. The strength that is there even when you don't think it is. I will pray for you and your children.


Meegan January 25, 2011 at 6:06 am

I am so sorry for your loss. It's my first time reading your blog. I was directed here by Jenny. I had to come, because I am bipolar. There have been times that I've felt hopeless, helpless, meaningless…and my husband (and a wonderful psychiatrist) has helped pull me back into life. My greatest fear is losing that man. I am so sorry you lost your champion. I wish he would have spoken, as you urged men everywhere to do. My condolences. I hope you find peace.


l-tek-4 January 25, 2011 at 6:00 am

Hi Lori,

I haven't read your blog before, I found you through Jenny. I wrote something huge, and then I realized it was almost verbatim to what Emily wrote, so erased it.

You're incredibly brave to be here. Speaking out, using your voice, reaching out to others. Inspiring us. I wish I had better words, or that I knew you better to know which words you liked to hear. To use words as a suture to stop the bleeding and pain you're going through. Since I know that isn't possible, I just want to send some love and positive thoughts your way. You are a light in a world of darkness. Thank you for reaching out and letting us reach out to you in turn. Many hugs and I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss.


Wildology January 25, 2011 at 5:55 am

I can not even begin to imagine. I read about all you are suffering through and wanted to say I am thinking of you and your family. He did not choose to go…mental illness took him…and I am so so sorry.


Anonymous January 25, 2011 at 5:52 am


I am sure that you've heard it over and over again and again but it does get easier.

I lost my husband in the summer of 2009, he died of a massive heart attack. I spent two hours giving him CPR trying to keep him here. At the time I was 7 months pregnant with our second child.

Life has been hell since then. In the beginning it was like I was living minute by minute, slowly it moved to hour by hour then day by day etc. Give it time.

I still have my bad days, I still cry myself to sleep sometimes. But I have come to realize something thru all of this…

Something very important, in fact I could almost say that it is life saving…

I did NOT die when he did. My life did not stop but just took a turn that I now must learn to survive. Learn to move on, start all over again.

I have our girls, for them I must go on for there is no one else for them. No one who will be able to tell them about their father.

Keep writing!!! I write also it is immensely healing and helpful. Get it out even if you don't make it public. I write poetry that I post online but I also have an on going letter that I write to my late husband both help!

Please keep writing!! Let it out!! You and yours will be in my thoughts!!! Keep your head up, keep writing, keep breathing, keep healing and most importantly take care of not only yourself but also your children!!

Thinking of you,

Ann Strongheart


Slippy Lane January 25, 2011 at 5:51 am


You don't know me, and I don't know you, but you can know this. Every time that I'm feeling suicidal, I will look at your entries here, and I will say to myself "You will NOT cause this kind of pain in another human being. Not ever."

Whilst I can't even begin to understand the pain you are going through, or offer anything to ease that burden, it may be of some comfort to you in the future to know that your words caused one man to live a little longer who otherwise may not have done.

Speak your words, dear Lori, bare your soul, and may it hurry along the day when you can once again take joy in the love of your children.


Shelley/Delicia January 25, 2011 at 5:45 am


Found you via Jenny. My heart is aching as I read of what you are going through. This sucks. This really fucking sucks. It sucks so hard and it's completely unfair that anyone should have to deal with this situation. I realize there's nothing I can do to make it better, but know that you have a ton of people here that even not knowing you, love you, and are here to support you as you deal with this absolutely fucked-up existence. Any time you need to vent, we're here for you.


Colby January 25, 2011 at 5:38 am

My wish for you is that all these comments from friends and strangers will lift you up a little from the pain. We all care about you and your children. I hope this gives you some hope that life will get better. It is a slow process and 6 months from now when you are feeling sad and hopeless come back to these comments and know that we are all still caring about you.

Sending you hugs…


Kim January 25, 2011 at 5:37 am

I keep typing comments and then erasing them because I can't seem to get the words right. I'm not a writer.

But I want you to know that I am here. I am reading every single emotion that you are putting out there. And I am sending all the love and support that I have.

We are all here for you.


Kristen January 25, 2011 at 5:36 am

Lori, praying for courage and strength to get you thru another day.


Anonymous January 25, 2011 at 5:35 am

we don't know each other, and we probably never will, but it will not stop me from some of my strength to aid you, some of my love. Because in this big'ol world ever bit helps.

love another human


Anonymous January 25, 2011 at 5:32 am


The Bloggess sent me here. I just want to say thanks for sharing how you feel. You inspired me to hug someone I know who's hurting. You inspire me with letting it all out, regardless of how real it is & whoever else thinks it's too messy to talk about. THANK YOU FOR THAT. My family won't speak out, and it fucking sucks. So I know how brave it is, how healing it is, to finally let it all out. And all I can do is cheer you on, and hope you're having moments of relief & comfort in some form.


- Jessica


Gail January 25, 2011 at 4:30 pm

With your charge to the men, to speak – from your tortured alter of loss and grief – the picture of the woman/mother/wife as the starkest image of vulernability they will ever see; may save a life, a marriage, a dream. Your words never had more power than at that moment. They were well chosen, and I know deep in my soul that you just saved someone, at least one someone, from darkness. You used your pain to help someone else. That, my sweet unknown friend, is a generosity of spirit that ripples through eternity. Hang on tight. We are here for you.


Lara January 25, 2011 at 5:27 am

We are strangers. But we are also connected by pain, loss, love, hope and all that other beautiful, messy crap that makes us part of the human species.

I respect you so much for voicing your story, your agony. As one stranger to another, your story has affected me, and your pain is not lost.


Debbie January 25, 2011 at 5:25 am

I have no words except to send you hugs, and much, much love xxxx


Sojourner Truth January 25, 2011 at 5:16 am

You have no idea how you sharing your pain and your story has effected me. I struggle with OCD, depression and suicidal thoughts and have my whole life. Thank you for putting this out there so that others can see the other side.

My love to you. Prayers are with you and your children.


Poppy January 25, 2011 at 5:11 am

Thank you for sharing your story. I am so very sorry for your loss.


Cindy January 25, 2011 at 5:07 am

Hello. I found you via Jenny. I'm so sorry for the loss you and your children are suffering. I'm also sorry for your husband and wish for him encompassing peace.


Heather January 25, 2011 at 4:59 am

I'm so sorry for your loss, and your hurt.


Maria W January 25, 2011 at 4:56 am

Dear Lori.
I haven't actually read your blog before, but I saw Jenny's post, and it made me cry. I cried for you, for your children and for your husband. I am so truly sorry for you that I can feel a stabbing pain in my chest.
I wish I could come up with some poetic words, something that could show you how much I mean what I said, and that one day you will be okay again. But I can't. I can only say that I hope for the best. I wish I could say I would pray for you, but I don't believe in God, so I can't even do that. But I can tell you that I will be thinking about you and try to force some positive thoughts your way all the way from Denmark. So be patient, someday they will come.

-Maria Wallin


Emily January 25, 2011 at 4:53 am

Take care love…continue to move forward. I've been in some very dark places before in my life, but after reading your blog I've realized just how much self-destructive actions affect the ones we love. I'm going to get help for my depression. I'm going to start blogging about it too. I'm going to speak, because sometimes admitting that you need someone to listen is the bravest thing you can do. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for telling me your story, for inspiring me to do the same, but mostly just for being brave enough to continue living.


Kernut the Blond January 25, 2011 at 4:52 am

I came over from The Bloggess. My heart goes out to you. I love how you described the feelings. I've been there. Almost 8 years ago my ex-boyfriend shot himself. We still loved each other, but weren't together at the time. He'd talked about his depression and almost joked about killing himself, but never sought professional help. He drank to numb the pain, and I've since found that only made his depression worse.

Eight years later I still think I see him in places. I see someone who looks like him, and reminds me of him. I know he's still here, watching over me, but I miss his intense hugs. He hugged me like no other. I think those prone to such intense negative emotions also love more intensely than most. The candle burns twice as bright, for half as long.

A light like that is still around, always with you, watching over you.

Love and hugs xoxo


Sarah January 25, 2011 at 4:43 am

Dear Lori,
You are beautiful. Please take care of yourself – may your strength, light and love for your family guide you through this terrible time. God bless you.


Linda Kish January 25, 2011 at 4:42 am

I don't know you; didn't know about you until this morning when I read the blogess' blog. I have read your posts, even from before. I just wanted to say I am grieving for you and with you. Nothing else will help to say but you are in my prayers.


Micmacker January 25, 2011 at 4:41 am

You and your children are in my thoughts.


bettyfokker January 25, 2011 at 4:40 am

I am so very sorry. I wish there were words that would help.


Kimberly January 25, 2011 at 4:27 am

I have stood at the edges of those emotions, and I know how awful that felt – my heart and mind hurt for you at the thought of what this might be like for you.

I wish I had wisdom or comfort for you.

I am thinking of you, across the globe, and sending my most positive thoughts. I want to believe that those will find you.


Anonymous January 25, 2011 at 4:24 am

(((hugs))) You are strong and fierce and can survive this. I always think about the line in Sleepless in Seatle when Tom Hanks' character says "Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning…breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out….and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how great and perfect I had it once".
That is the way insurmountable loss always felt to me.
Peace be with you.


Nathan January 25, 2011 at 4:21 am

i don't know if my words will be as kind as i hope they are, nor do i trust that they will be useful, but i will try to express my sincere emotional desire to extend some love and support towards you. i feel sorrow for you, for your loss, and for the hardship that you will and are going through. keep walking in the light and you will get through this time and you will begin to heal and your heart and spirit will soon be restored, ever changed, but restored.


Kelsey January 25, 2011 at 4:07 am

Sending so much love and support your way, your strength and honesty are remarkable, I wish I could do more than just leave a comment.


DeeDee January 25, 2011 at 4:07 am

I am so sorry to hear about the pain you are going through, please know that you are not alone xxx


Untypically Jia January 25, 2011 at 4:05 am

I feel so inadequate to say anything really, considering I just found your blog and have been doing my best to read through this last month of your posts.

But when you can say much, or when it's already been said much more eloquently by many others, you're just left with something simple, like . . . Love and prayers for you and your family.


Anonymous January 25, 2011 at 4:00 am

Here via the Bloggess, like many others, and sending love, light, hope, and prayers your way, like many others. You and your family are in my thoughts.


Mom O Matic January 25, 2011 at 3:57 am

I can't even fathom the heartbreak. My deepest apologies for the cruelty of life. And biggest mental hugs I can beam to you.



ZDub January 25, 2011 at 3:50 am

Love and light to you and your family.



Andi January 25, 2011 at 3:48 am

Let it all out. Holding in emotions can be so painful later on so keep this up. Keep up the keening and wanting and whining and let all the pain and sorrow and heartbreak out. You will make it because you have to. And you'll make it because you want to. You'll be fine in the long run, but the trip is going to be a bitch.

Sending you love and strength to get through such a horrific and difficult time.


Megan January 25, 2011 at 3:46 am

There are no appropriate words, Lori, and no way any of us fully grasps how you feel unless we've been through it (or the loss of a child). Just know there's a world full of love coming your way from around the globe. It doesn't make things better, or make the wishing go away, but hopefully it's a bit of a balm, a blanket to wrap around you after you pass through your moments of absolutely hell when nothing helps for a time. Love to you. Love to the babies. Love, Love, and more Love.


C January 25, 2011 at 3:45 am

Please know that this humble little soul in Canada is holding you, your children, your husband and your broken heart in mine. Hold on. Hold on tight. One single second at a time. The world needs you. xoxoxo Charlene


Shana, Stacy and Pamela January 25, 2011 at 3:41 am

love you, thinking of you, and sending out vibes of hope in your direction. <3


a n n a b e e. January 25, 2011 at 3:26 am

I do not know you and you do not know me, but I can tell you that we are two random people who are joined. When I was 10 my father killed himself. It devestated my mother, my family and forever altered the course of my life. The pain you speak of, I felt it for a lost father. I was old enough to realize what happened but have never understood his decision. And though people might say it'll get better, it won't, but I promise you it WILL get easier. I'm almost 26 now and though the years have passed and I'm on my way to becoming a (reasonably) well adjusted adult, it doesn't change the fact that I am still missing a father. But I did discover parts of me that I never knew existed. There is a strength and hope and determination that lives inside each of us that is rarely seen, and they are painful to dredge to the surface. You will find them and with them you will defeat the nagging voices that ask you "Why didn't I see it?" "Why me?" "What do I do now?" "How do I go on?" You are a beautiful woman and mother and while no one should have to endure this soul rupturing heartache, know that you have the strength to survive. Like I said, I don't know you and you don't know me, but if ever you need an understanding ear, I will be there for you because that is what we survivors do, we stick together. You are not alone. You are NOT alone.


lexcade January 25, 2011 at 3:24 am

Oh Lori, so so so so so sorry… You and your family are in my thoughts. Much love to you and your kids.


Cagey (Kelli Oliver George) January 25, 2011 at 3:24 am

I came here via Jenny.

My FIL committed suicide by hanging himself- this weekend will be the 1 year anniversary. I think what shocked me the most about it was the anger mixed with horror and sadness.

My sorrow for your own loss? Is indescribable. To lose a loved one in such a manner is all together unfathomable and horrific. And then, to find yourself in that situation without a direction? Simply unfair.

My deepest hope for you is that you can use this blog, your friends and whatever else at your disposal to work through these incredibly complex, unfair emotions. And to know that you have EVERY right to every single one of them.

I am so, so sorry for your loss. Truly. May you find some measure of peace for you and your children.


tokenblogger January 25, 2011 at 3:05 am

I am so sorry for your loss. I will be thinking of you and your family.


Anonymous January 25, 2011 at 3:01 am

As many have said, words cannot explain my sadness for your loss or make it go away or even to make it better. I don't know you, but reading your tribulations over the recent weeks has made my heart break for you. If only the pain and tears I'm feeling could take some of yours away, I would do it in a heartbeat. And that's from someone you don't even know– I'm sure you are surrounded by people who love you and cherish you and want to help you through this process. Please let them help you, and know that thoughts are prayers are also coming from all over the world, in support of you and your sons. xoxo


A Redhead Named Sam January 25, 2011 at 2:58 am

I found you through The Bloggess. I wanted you to know there's another soul in the world thinking of you (and your children) and loving you (and your children) even though we've never met. I wish there was something more I could do than just this small amount of text.



Donna January 25, 2011 at 2:56 am

I am so sorry for your loss. What a bunch of crappy words that you now hear all the time. This hole in your heart and soul will never be mended. One day it won't feel as raw and ragged, but it's gonna take a while. I lost my oldest son just over two years ago and it still hurts, every day. And the worst thing is I still don't know what to say to others who are dealing with horrible losses. I do know that you have a choice in how to live the rest of your life, with hope and love or with negativity and anger. It's hard some days to live with hope but after I made that choice it made it easier on those really hard days to get up and move and attempt to smile even tho it was the last thing I wanted to do. You need to mourn and it will last until the day you die, but try to smile and remember the good times in between. And I love your words, they are beautiful, I only wish I could write as beautifully.


Jan Ross January 25, 2011 at 2:49 am

Just found you through The Bloggess and added you to my Reader because even though I don't know you, I need to know that you are going to be OK.


Candice January 25, 2011 at 2:49 am

Found your site through The Bloggess, read back through several pages of posts (as much as I can bear while still holding it together at work) and I don't know what to say. You and your children will certainly be in my thoughts and I hope that the love in your life (both in person and online) helps hold you up through the darkness.


Germangirl January 25, 2011 at 2:44 am

My sincerest condolences. Your words brought tears to my eyes.


Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points January 25, 2011 at 2:39 am

Lori –

I am another Lori. Another humor writer, as you so clearly are when not coping with one of the most horrific things i can think of.

And my dad took his own life. Brutally. Thinking in such a disordered way that he felt the world could only be better without him, and not able to see – completely blind, in fact – to the true devastation it would cause.

I hurt for you, because you hurt.

And as you said, wishes are not fairy things. They are full body slams of impossibility that try to knock you over.

We're here, if they do. To help you stand up again. To offer love, humor, hugs, words to help you pass the next hour, the next minute.

Much love to you. Much love.


Don't Speak Whinese January 25, 2011 at 2:36 am

I'm so sorry for what you and your children are going through.


Teacher Mommy January 25, 2011 at 2:33 am

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I can't comment most days. I'm making myself come here and read your words because they deserve to be read. But I can't comment most days because of the panic, like you said.

But fuck.


Dangerous Lilly January 25, 2011 at 2:31 am

I came here from The Bloggess's site. I really don't have words other than "I'm so sorry for your loss and grief". Reading about this has opened my eyes a little, though. My husband battles with anxiety and other mental health issues and I bounce between worrying about him and being frustrated and wondering when it'll get better. I think he knows better than to ever leave me like that bc he knows what I went though when my father died suddenly but your story has taught me that anything can happen when the mind breaks. Thank you for continueing to blog and talk and educate. You are educating, you are helping others and letting others help you. Thank god for blogs….


Marinka January 25, 2011 at 2:28 am

You and your family are in my thoughts.

I read a poem, years and years ago about keening. I'm so sorry that you are in the midst of it now.

Sending you love and peace.


laurenbgood January 25, 2011 at 2:24 am

I am so sorry for you. I am sending you love and hoping that you sharing your pain with me, and all of us is allowing me to shoulder it, if only some of it, if only for just a bit. xo


Christie January 25, 2011 at 2:24 am

Another new reader, here to listen and think about you and send love. Keep writing; you are not alone.


Dazee Dreamer January 25, 2011 at 2:22 am

I am grateful to you for putting all your emotions and feelings out here. I'm sure you are helping more people than you realize.

You and your kids are in my thoughts and prayers.


Christie January 25, 2011 at 2:20 am

This comment has been removed by the author.


Wendy B. January 25, 2011 at 2:20 am

All my love…..so lost for words right now…..



Heather January 25, 2011 at 2:14 am

I wish there were something I could say that would help. I wish that saying I sort of understand after losing my son didn't sound stupid and hollow. I wish I could hug you even though I'm a stranger and have it help somehow. I hope you have the kind of support that helps you remember how strong you are and lets you not be strong sometimes too. I hope you have the freedom to push through with a brave smile, and to cry a lot. I hope you take comfort in your children and give yourself the freedom to rail against God/the Universe/everyone for going on with their lives when yours has been forever altered. I hope the knowledge that I am praying for you, thinking of you, sending you good vibes is more comforting than weird.


SuzRocks January 25, 2011 at 2:06 am

I'm so sorry for your loss. My family has been close to losing my brother who is bipolar and has been put in the psych hospital a few times- it's something that you always think happens to someone else and not yourself.

I just stopped by via the bloggess, but I wanted to let you know people are thinking about you. You're not all alone, even if that's what it feels like.


Anonymous January 25, 2011 at 1:57 am

I am so sorry for your loss, there are truly no other words.
We're here for you and we're listening.


Jennifer January 25, 2011 at 1:39 am

Lori, I am so sorry! I'm here from the Bloggess & altho I've never been here before, when I read about your loss I just had to come by and say I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for your hurt. I'm sorry for your pain. I'm sorry for the hole in your heart that seems like it's never going to heal. I'm sorry for any guilt you might be going through, thinking that you should have seen the signs or somehow been clairvoyant and known it was coming and been able to do something. Everyone will tell you that that's not true, and I'm right there with them. It's not!!

I'm sending much love and strength and hope and prayer, Lori. I recently lost a good friend to suicide, and it sucks. I cannot fathom losing my husband. You're doing a great job just waking up in the morning and putting one foot in front of the other. Baby steps.



Archaeogoddess January 25, 2011 at 1:26 am

I don't know what to say. I'm crying so hard I can barely type.

I don't know you. But I love you.



QViews January 25, 2011 at 1:25 am

We are all pulling for you and your children.


reptilegrrl January 25, 2011 at 1:21 am

I'm very sorry for your loss. I know everything seems unbearable, but I hope that every day, life gets a little more okay. I wish for joy to creep back into your life.


Marisa January 25, 2011 at 12:44 am

u leave me in awe, I am speachless, a dear friend of mine has lived through this with 4 kids, but she could not verbalize these feelings. I feel the need to call her right this moment!!!


Jules January 25, 2011 at 11:43 am

I just wanted you to know that I, someone you don't know, am thinking of you. I'm sending you positive thoughts, positive energy, and love. I hope you find the strength somehow to make it through today. This minute. Because people out here are pulling for you and thinking of you and loving for you and giving love to you when you can't.

Maybe one of these comments will help you for this moment. I hope mine can.
With love, Jules


Megan January 25, 2011 at 12:21 am

Like many who have commented before me I read about you through Jenny. There are no words, I have no yardstick, I can not imagine what you are feeling right now. All I can say, however small it may be, I am thinking of you and yours, I wish for you some measure of peace in the difficult days, months… ahead.
Also I will add Thank You. Your posts have moved me more than I can express, I am right now looking at my guy with a mixture of love, desire,humor and annoyance and thinking, thank God for you and I will not ever take your presence in my life for granted ever again.

lori, thank You.


Bee January 25, 2011 at 12:11 am


So many people are preying for you and loving you and the response must be so overwhelming that it restores your hope and belief in life. Right?

And then I think, what if this were me, and it were my boyfriend, of just 3 years, who doesn't even compare to your life partner, your husband, the man who gave you the most valuable things in your life, your babies.

That leaves me with, like prayers are going to fucking help me now. Like ANYTHING anyone ever says is going to make anything better.

I confess that I've never read your blog before and I don't know if you are into the prayers but I do know that I am in love and you were in love, and I can't imagine how you feel right now, but if it were me, I know that nothing anyone said was going to comfort me.

Maybe one day it will be better. I've read a lot of posts from people who have suffered in their lives and they've always sugar coated their despair with hope.

What you've shared with everyone hits my heart so hard and tears flow from my eyes because it sounds like something I would say, I hear your words in my mind and they sound just like me.

It scares me to think that there is nothing beyond life, and that you're out there with nothing anyone says making a difference.

I just wanted to make sure you know that you are so brave. You are making your children so proud of you just by carrying on. My mum suffered from losing her first baby to cot death when he was just 4 months old and I am so proud of her.

For never losing her will to live, for carrying on despite not really wanting to and for going on with her life and having divorce and 3 more children and for never forgetting what she lost but for having the will to keep going.

You are so brave and you need to be proud of yourself, just for your strength alone.

Also, I totally apologise for this ridiculously long comment.

I really hope you do take comfort from people's prayers for you because if it happened to me as an agnostic, let's face it, I'm fucked.


Anonymous January 25, 2011 at 12:09 am

Sending you warm, hugging thoughts.

I feel that any words I could offer would be at best kind of useless and at worst insulting, but if it helps, I'm thinking them in my heart.



ccr in MA January 25, 2011 at 12:08 am

I am so, so sorry for your loss. Please know that you are not alone.


MaryAnn January 25, 2011 at 11:03 am

Sent via the Bloggess, and my heart is broken for you.

What you are going through is is every kind of fucked-up wrong.

Your words literally are making their way around the world, and they are going to save someone else from this fucked-up nightmare.

May perpetual light shine on Tony.
May angels hold you and your little ones close.

Sending you love and prayers from Florida -


Life in the mom lane January 25, 2011 at 12:01 am

There are no words.
I'm sorry-
stay strong, my thoughts & prayers are with you.


Sarah January 25, 2011 at 10:58 am

I want to say I'm sorry, but I know that is nothing. I've never thought so much about what to say in a comment without being able to come up with anything. So, I guess the best I can say is if you need a hug, I'd be happy to provide that bit of comfort. However, if you need to punch someone in the face, I will probably wince but do my best give you that outlet for your pain.

Hugs and a punchable face,


Rebecca January 24, 2011 at 11:44 pm

I wish there were something I could do. My prayers are with you and your children. And with Tony. I hope soon you will all find a path to peace, and comfort. My deepest sympathies to you all.


Kiki January 24, 2011 at 11:40 pm

Hi Lori, I read about your story on the bloggess and I want to let you know that you're in my thoughts and even though we don't know each other the love I'm sending you right now is no less genuine. You've inspired me to speak up about my illness and hope that others will do the same.


Anonymous January 24, 2011 at 11:35 pm

I'm sitting the other side of the world, wishing you love,, comfort and support right now, and eventually understanding and peace.


Anonymous January 24, 2011 at 11:35 pm

Coming your way via the bloggess…keep writing, keep feeling, keep putting one foot in front of the other.


Alizabeth January 25, 2011 at 10:10 am

I also came from Jennys blog. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know those words are so horribly inadequate but I will still be thinking about you.


Anonymous January 24, 2011 at 11:06 pm

Another random stranger here vis The Bloggess. Honey, I am so very sorry for your pain. I'm 29 with two little ones too and I can't even begin to imagine the horror you are living through. I can only hope that each and every one of these comments stays with you and you know that you have a whole world out here rooting for you. Sophie xxx


Melissa January 24, 2011 at 10:55 pm

I hope you find a moment of comfort and peace today. sending love and hope your way – from a stranger across the world. hang in there.


kim at allconsuming January 24, 2011 at 10:52 pm

it's not the same in any way shape or form, but I remember when we were told about Oscar having a rare genetic disorder and what that would probably mean for his life.

The wild pendulum swings – from the deepest love for this helpless baby to the most furious rage that this was not who I was. This was not a badge I wanted pinned to my heart, to my soul, to my forehead, on my clothes for all to see. I was not this person.

But here I stand, 13 years later, the badge now worn and rusted on to who I am. But I'm still here.


Megan January 24, 2011 at 10:51 pm

Lori, I read about you on Jenny's blog. I can't say I know what it's like to be in your shoes but my best friend's husband died in the fall of 2009, leaving her with a 9 month old. I've read your posts and I hear her through your words. My heart aches for you. It truly does.


mommyodyssey January 24, 2011 at 10:46 pm

I found your blog after this terrible tragedy, and I just want you to know from one stranger who has experienced pain beyond measure to another – what you are doing here – writing, expressing your pain – this is your strength. The fact that you are strong enough to reach out, to string together such beautiful words, this is proof that you will get through this. I see from your words that you are an amazing woman. I weep with you and strengthen you as much as I possibly can.
Much Love


thepixiechick January 24, 2011 at 10:12 pm

Wordless tonight, in the face of this, but always here and always listening…
Love xoxoxoxo


MaidInAustralia January 24, 2011 at 9:55 pm

Love and hugs and prayers and positive thoughts and everything. I cannot help with any words, but know I am thinking of you. xo


Kristina Hughes January 24, 2011 at 9:49 pm

Thinking of you xxx


Anonymous January 24, 2011 at 9:39 pm

I am so sorry. What a horrendous loss. Thinking of you and hoping the pain starts to ease, at least a little, very soon.


Cecilie January 24, 2011 at 9:31 pm

(sorry for my bad English)

There is nothing to say that would make this stop hurting, but still: I feel for you, your situation is terrible, and I hope the people around you are trying to help. I cannot say that I know how you feel, because no one does. I send you all my love and all my thoughts.


Curvaceous Queen January 24, 2011 at 9:28 pm

Fuck encompasses so much yet doesn't touch the sides. Thinking of you xx


Anonymous January 24, 2011 at 9:28 pm

Be so Proud.You give me strength to carry on when my heart aches for the man I love/loved.Everybody keeps telling me that time will help but its 5 months now and i still cry at the smell of his tshirt and remembering the soft hair on his arms.Be brave Lori,I am following your pain and feeling it too:(


Hear Mum Roar January 24, 2011 at 9:27 pm

We're listening, we're here.


Ms Martyr January 25, 2011 at 8:04 am

You write beautifully.
This is a story I once read. I hope you find some comfort in it.
A bird kept building its nest in a pile of cut down brush. The human involved knew that the pile was due to be set on fire so kept destroying the nest. Finally the bird built its nest in a different, safe place.
I believe the point was that although disaster strikes us, God knows the big picture and that these horrible things have a purpose, even though we may not ever understand it.


KiTx January 25, 2011 at 8:02 am

Got here through the Bloggess today, and like so many, I'm at a loss for words to properly express my condolences. I'm so sorry for the loss that you and your children have experienced, and I am so proud of you for letting your pain out. Keep letting it flow, and don't let anyone tell you how to grieve. Keep spewing out the darkness- eventually it will get a little lighter if you keep forcing out the blackness. All the love and hugs you can stand to receive from virtual strangers are here for you.


katya646 January 24, 2011 at 8:49 pm

I'm so sorry… I have no words… I'm so sorry


Bec January 24, 2011 at 8:40 pm

so powerful, so moving. you will get through, you have to. and even if you don't know that or feel you are able to make that effort right now – just consider it as a possiblity for the future.
it won't be long and you will look back on this time and wonder where you ever got all that strength from.
love to you XXX


Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo January 24, 2011 at 8:39 pm

had this open for hours.

Still I have no words.

I wish I had them, but seems you are more eloquent.



Tamara January 24, 2011 at 8:33 pm

Hi Lori, I saw Jenny's post about you and your husband. I'm honestly not sure what to say but I wanted you to know there's another person out there thinking about you, your kids and your husband. I've suffered from depression on and off my entire life and had postpartum depression after the birth of my daughter. Thank you for encouraging people to speak out. I'll be praying for you and your littles.


heavenlyginger January 24, 2011 at 8:18 pm

Hi there,

I found you via the bloggess. I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss.


lynne1508@gmail.com January 24, 2011 at 7:43 pm

Dear Lori,

I went through the same feelings of every single word you explain when my mum died 12 years ago, 3 weeks before my wedding. I just wanted to say a few things to you.

1. Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve – you do whatever you want, whether it be blogging about your feelings or going somewhere to scream your heart out (I strongly recommend this, I did it, several times).

2. You will find the strength to carry on from somewhere, even on the blackest days, when you don't want to get out of bed, when you are so angry you feel it is all consuming you, when the hopelessness is blacker than black. In your darkest hour, something your kids will do will pull you back up out of that black hole :0)

3. I can't say anything to make you feel better, but, don't fight your feelings, let them all out, every single one of them. (I held all my feelings on for 3 years and them had a burnout – not a pretty sight). don't let them fester.

My heart goes out to you…..x0x0x0x0x


Anonymous January 24, 2011 at 7:18 pm

I also found you via the Bloggess. I am deeply sorry for your and your family's loss. I am sending you love and peace.


Anonymous January 24, 2011 at 7:17 pm

What you've written in this post touches me more than I can say. It reminds me of something my friend Judy said over and over in the middle of the worst year of her life: she said, with a certain measure of shock, "Life! It just keeps GOING!!" That fact is at once the most horrible joke and oddly reassuring. Unfortunately knowing you can or will get through something like this is not comforting when the sharpest feeling you have is one of wanting to turn back time.

For what it's worth, this complete random stranger hears you and I'm praying for you. I'm here from the Blogess, I just heard your story tonight for the first time. I'm deeply sorry for your loss and I hope your journey through it is filled with people who love and support you. Bless you, and thank you for sharing, reading what you wrote made me feel less alone, I hope writing it and knowing how many people you are touching has the same affect on you.

Much love, Wonder


StephanieC January 24, 2011 at 7:15 pm

I know those emotions.

I am sending you all the positive vibes, love and support my depressed little mind can muster.

I truly hope the pain eases slightly each day. The memories won't.. the loss is still massive, but I hope that the deep stabbing, all-consuming pain subsides in time and that you can regain joy and happiness, for you and your family.


Thinking of you.


Andrea January 24, 2011 at 7:15 pm

p.s I'm guessing, in the next weeks and months, you will fall down and get up and fall down and get up again. and sometimes you may be fallen down wondering how in the %%%% you will get up again. I don't know you, I am new here, but I see through your words shines a strength…I am certain, for everytime you will fall, you will get up again. And for everytime you do fall every single person here will want to help you up again. and eventually, surely it will get easier.

hugs many hugs from another blogosphere stranger.


laurenne January 24, 2011 at 7:02 pm

I hate when I hear these fucking stories! Suicide breaks my heart and makes me so angry and sad and so so so disappointed in humanity.
I'm sorry anyone has to go through something so horrible and so preventable.
My father killed himself 14 years ago. And what's comforted me is knowing that suicide is just a stupid mistake and that your husband and my dad would ABSOLUTELY take it back if they could.
'No Time to Say Goodbye' is a really helpful book if you'd like a good read and to not feel alone.

Also… just know that once they make the decision to do it, it's made. So, anything you could have done wouldn't have changed the outcome… IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!



Brooke Farmer January 24, 2011 at 6:56 pm

This is beautifully and painfully written. There is no quick escape from the pain of suicide. My grandfather killed himself. I was a child and wasn't told the truth until years later and it still was devastating to hear. Last year I witnessed a very graphic suicide. The young man was a complete stranger and it was still completely traumatic. I could work or be taken out in public for that matter.

I wish there was anything at all that I could say or do to ease the pain. I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine.


Anonymous January 24, 2011 at 6:54 pm

I feel like crying to hard when I hear of your pain. I'm dating a man with psychosis and a similar situation is my worst fear. I'm sorry that you had to experience something like this, but I'm glad you're there for your children.
Each day will hit you as it does, but I hope the blows grow softer soon.


Anne January 24, 2011 at 6:48 pm

I read through the past couple weeks of posts, and I cried so hard for you and your family. I'm not going to say I'm sorry because I know how paltry that sounds when you're where you are. But I just hope that the tears that I cried tonight somehow cosmically relieved some of the burden on your heart. I pray that you find peace, maybe not soon, but some day. I just want you to know that I know your pain. Hold your children tight and just ride the wave. Tomorrow is a new day.


Not Actually Louis Wain January 24, 2011 at 6:45 pm

Thank you for writing these posts. It was the thought of doing this to the people I love that kept me from killing myself once upon a time.

For what it's worth, you have my love.


Dina January 24, 2011 at 6:45 pm

Found you via the Bloggess. I just wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your loss, and thank you so much for what you said about speaking out.

So thank you. I have no words to make the pain less – and in all reality, that would be unfair and cheapen the memory of the man you loved, if you did not hurt for his loss – but I would have you know that there is more. Someday, there is.


Hyla Molander January 24, 2011 at 6:43 pm

On Easter Sunday, 2003, my 17-month-old daughter and I watched while my beloved husband slid down the kitchen counter and died. Erik was 29 and I was 7 months pregnant with our second daughter. I know where you are. I have been there. It is unimaginable–all of it–and I am so sorry for your loss.

I now make meaning out of my tragedy by writing, speaking, moderating the Widowed Web community page on FB, and embracing the love I have with my new husband (Match.com) and our four children. Please connect with me when you're ready. My hand is here in friendship. Hyla http://www.hylamolander.com


Jewell January 24, 2011 at 6:40 pm

Lori..I am sure that this comment will get lost in all of the love that you so clearly have from so many different people. People I'm sure you know in person, others I'm sure you've never met except via your computer screen. Yet, I'll type out my heart in hopes that some part of it helps pull you through.

I am new here and here because Jenny (The Bloggess) shared her love of you, your family, and bared her heart for you and your struggles as well as the struggles of others so beautifully on her site.

There is nothing that I can add that will take the pain away, to say I love you to a woman and family I've never met probably would seem creepy, and yet I wish I could and weirdly I do. There is this pain that all who've felt it can relate to on the most basic of levels.

I can promise to follow your tribulations now that I know you are here, and offer you just one more pair of ears and eyes, and one more set of shoulders to help you along your sad path.

Know that, even in this horrific pain, you were blessed to have a man, that man, to share your life with, even as short as it was. That you continue to be blessed by the children that you share.

I promise Tony is still with you, even when it seems he isn't.

In the meantime though…I'm with you. Fuck.

Much love and support from a new follower…xoxo


Simone Says... January 24, 2011 at 6:40 pm

I'm sending you lots of love and healing thoughts. You are not alone. Reach out anytime. Simone


Anonymous January 24, 2011 at 6:38 pm

Here from The Bloggess. Sending you love and light and strength.


x0xJ January 24, 2011 at 6:36 pm

Nothing but love from me. I know i'm not the person you want it from, but hopefully it can help somewhat.


Jodie at Mummy Mayhem January 24, 2011 at 6:31 pm

Still praying for you, Lori. And for your kids. And for Tony. xxxxx


River January 24, 2011 at 6:31 pm

I'm ashamed now, to say that I once felt those same emotions and cried many tears, over a house. A HOUSE!!


Karina Cooper January 24, 2011 at 6:27 pm

I'm just this stranger, you know? But my heart and mind and encouragement are yours. Keep fighting. Every day. I'll be there with you in spirit.


Wanda January 24, 2011 at 6:23 pm

I came here via The Bloggess. I know what it is like to live with a partner threatening suicide–but it didn't happen. I know what it is like to lose a family member to suicide. I know as a therapist what it is like to sit with those who are suicidal and to sit with the survivors of suicide. I don't know what it is like to be where you are. I'm sorry. I send you love. Some day, may you again know peace. Love.


LilPixi January 24, 2011 at 6:23 pm

I've just found this blog & heard of your story through a touching blog post by the bloggess.

I simply had to send you my love & prayers. My heart is in agony for you. I wanted to let you know there is just one more person out there thinking of you & your children, pulling for you to make it through this tragedy with love & strength.

So, so much love. Xoxoxoxoxoxoxo


Redneck Mommy January 24, 2011 at 6:11 pm

I know what it is to keen, to grieve. Different circumstances, different pain, but oh, I know grief. I am so very sorry you have made it's acquaintance too. My deepest sympathies to you and your children.


kimberly January 24, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Oh you sweet girl, my heart aches for you. I came here via The Bloggess, and I'm sending you much love and great big hugs through air waves, over lines and cables, through satellites and back down again. I am so sorry for your loss; know that we're all keeping you and your babies in our hearts. <3


Chally January 24, 2011 at 6:07 pm

Another stranger. There are people all around the world keeping you in mind.


Laura January 24, 2011 at 6:03 pm

I cannot say anything to you, other than that my thoughts are with you. Take good care of yourself xxxxxx


Anonymous January 24, 2011 at 6:02 pm

i don't know what to say. i'm a survivor of depression. i could have easily left my family behind many times. thanks for sharing your story. it makes me feel like i should keep fighting and asking for help. thanks for sharing. i don't have the words to comfort you but you've given me even more strength to keep going on and getting all the help i can get. your story did help me. i'm one person you've helped.


Lenni January 24, 2011 at 6:01 pm

Oh I have no words, this post filled my heart with a sadness that I can imagine couldn't compare to yours in any way shape or form.

I've come to you from Jenny to leave you some words of love and support, and to let you know that an unknown girl in Australia is thinking of you, your little ones and your husband.

Be safe.


Jennifer January 25, 2011 at 4:50 am

I'm reading you via The Bloggess.

I don't know you and you don't know me. But I am thinking about you and worrying about you and hoping for you to be able to keep going. No words can say how sad I am for you and your children.


Anonymous January 24, 2011 at 5:48 pm

Your strength is amazing. I am sending you love and good thoughts.


lilylive January 24, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Hi Lori, I came here via The Bloggess' tweet. It is hard to find the right words, but I do pray Love will surround you and rock you and your family into comfort. Nothing anyone can say will ease your pain right now, but the collective of your friends voices saying 'we love you Lori, we are here for you Lori' will. Look after yourself physically too because that's really important as grief takes a big toll on the body. Love, love and love. ~lily xo


BreAnna January 24, 2011 at 5:38 pm

I'm here after reading the latest post by The Bloggess. My heart breaks for you. I'm sending you so much love. I know there really are no words, so just know that you have people from all over wishing you and your children the best.


SheLikesToTravel January 24, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Lori – I am a new reader. I am so sorry for your loss. I know it's not enough… but I am sorry.


Shana January 25, 2011 at 4:35 am

I found your blog via The Bloggess, she shared a wonderful saying with her readers from you, "you speak." I cannot fathom your pain and if I could give you a giant hug across a continent and an ocean I would.


KerryJ January 24, 2011 at 5:33 pm

Dear Lori,

You are brave and wonderful beyond the telling of it to share as you have when it's so raw, to use your anguish to try to make a difference in the lives of others.

I hope you have a network of women like yourself from whom you can draw strength and support in the coming weeks and months.


MissPosy January 24, 2011 at 5:32 pm

No words, just love xx


ozma January 24, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Oh Lori, I'm so sorry. I wish I could help more. No one should ever have to have this loss. I wish I could turn back time and make it not true. Please believe that.


Kristine January 24, 2011 at 5:29 pm

I'm so, so sorry. Your words are so right. New words have been added to my vocabulary since i lost my daughter. you describe the well.


Michelle.Schwartz January 25, 2011 at 4:28 am

Love to you and yours. Prayers and good vibes. It's been more than two years since my own loss — not my husband but a cousin as close to me as a brother. May your children remind you every day of his goodness. That is the part you will always love and remember. In time, you will find a place to put the horrible part, and it won't have as much power over you.


Cat January 24, 2011 at 5:25 pm

It's true that no words are enough to make what you are feeling any better, any lighter, any easier but I SO want to try. I wish for you this never happened too. Really, from all my depths I wish I could make it so. I hope you feel the love and though I know it doesn't lessen the pain that it does give you some small amount of comfort. Xxxxxx


Being Me January 24, 2011 at 5:25 pm


The only word I can give you today. xxxxxxxx


Midwestern Mama Holly January 25, 2011 at 4:10 am

I am so sorry for your loss. Positive thoughts and light to you and yours from my tiny little spot in the world.


Chris Wood January 25, 2011 at 3:58 am

You write about your feelings in a very moving and beautiful way. I can only wish you much love and tell you I wish I could help.

Hold on tight – you will get through days like this.


transplantedx3 January 24, 2011 at 4:57 pm

Sending Love and Strength from around the world.


Danielle January 24, 2011 at 4:51 pm

shit ,fuck, (( HUGS)) darling xxxxxxxxxxooooooooooo


Cara January 25, 2011 at 3:50 am

I don't have the words to say anything besides – I grieve with you. We all do. I thought this might help, it's called the Manifesto of Encouragement by Danielle LaPorte

Right now:

There are Tibetan Buddhist monks in a temple in the Himalayas endlessly reciting mantras for the cessation of your suffering and for the flourishing of your happiness.

Someone you haven't met yet is already dreaming of adoring you.

Someone is writing a book that you will read in the next two years that will change how you look at life.

Nuns in the Alps are in endless vigil, praying for the Holy Spirit to alight the hearts of all of God's children.

A farmer is looking at his organic crops and whispering, "nourish them."

Someone wants to kiss you, to hold you, to make tea for you. Someone is willing to lend you money, wants to know what your favourite food is, and treat you to a movie. Someone in your orbit has something immensely valuable to give you — for free.

Something is being invented this year that will change how your generation lives, communicates, heals and passes on.

The next great song is being rehearsed.

Thousands of people are in yoga classes right now intentionally sending light out from their heart chakras and wrapping it around the earth.

Millions of children are assuming that everything is amazing and will always be that way.

Someone is in profound pain, and a few months from now, they'll be thriving like never before. They just can't see it from where they're at.

Someone who is craving to be partnered, to be acknowledged, to ARRIVE, will get precisely what they want — and even more. And because that gift will be so fantastical in it's reach and sweetness, it will quite magically alter their memory of angsty longing and render it all "So worth the wait."

Someone has recently cracked open their joyous, genuine nature because they did the hard work of hauling years of oppression off of their psyche — this luminous juju is floating in the ether, and is accessible to you.

Someone just this second wished for world peace, in earnest.

Someone is fighting the fight so that you don't have to.

Some civil servant is making sure that you get your mail, and your garbage is picked up, that the trains are running on time, and that you are generally safe. Someone is dedicating their days to protecting your civil liberties and clean drinking water.

Someone is regaining their sanity. Someone is coming back from the dead. Someone is genuinely forgiving the seemingly unforgivable. Someone is curing the incurable.


Fi January 24, 2011 at 4:44 pm

I wish you back to a place where you didn't have such an indepth understanding of how those words feel Lori.
Fucked doesn't even begin to describe it.


Brenda January 24, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Oh Lori, my darling. Just ride the waves, my darling. Ride the waves.

Love and so much love to you.xxxxxxx


Courtneyb January 24, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Your right about thinking this shit doenst happen to people we know, it happens in the movies or to someone seven times removed then you think Fuck, what if that were me, what if that happend to my friends? Fuck, this is the most fucked up bull shit, to think that you have to deal with this.
Anxiety is a funny thing, It happens when you least expect it, mine comes in a physical form, my fingers get excema, my skin starts to crawl like bugs are scuttling across the surface, under my clothes, through my hair, and a feeling of needing to vomit a few times a day. Two seconds away from panic and hysteria…
Im Anxious for you, for everyone, for my family, hell for me, Fuck this could have happend to any one of us.

Angry, Fuck I'm so angry about all this. If i could talk to the dead I would be fucking telling him off for doing this to you..
Dont get upset with me for saying that (I cant talk to them so he's safe from my tell off).
He didnt just take himself from you, he took our happy sunshiney smiley lori too, and well I'm a patient woman and will wait till your back, cause i know in my heart you will be, one day, when your ready…

And then the Anxiety will start to recede, like flood water…


Donna January 24, 2011 at 4:36 pm

I'm haunted by this tragedy that has unfurled in your world. You'll not know this yet but you truly are an inspiration as you are surviving the worst nightmare possible and I feel you will make this world we inhabit much more aware about the aftermath of suicide. Much love to you x


ward.hegedus January 25, 2011 at 3:29 am

You're living my greatest fear right now. My husband is depressed and the idea of that breaking him is something that keeps me awake at night. Thank you so much for sharing Tony's story. You really are so strong and I, a random internet stranger, am here for you if you ever need me.


Jenny, the Bloggess January 24, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Sending you love and light and thoughts of healing. I'm so sorry.

Love, love, love to you, my friend.

I'm here if you need me.


Veronica January 24, 2011 at 4:10 pm

Keening makes my throat hurt for days and my head ache. It's what I do when I want to scream, but it's 3am and I can't. Instant headache.

Fuck is about right. xxx


bigwords is... January 24, 2011 at 4:08 pm

Still hear, listening and sending strength your way. Each day at a time Lori xx


Ms Styling You January 24, 2011 at 3:55 pm

The biggest virtual hug in the world is being sent your way now xxx


Wanderlust January 24, 2011 at 3:47 pm

Feeling your words deep in my bones. I love you. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo


Lucy January 24, 2011 at 3:41 pm

Just keep coping. That is all you can do. Whatever works.


MJ January 24, 2011 at 3:38 pm

You amaze and move me- I love *you* xx


In Real Life January 24, 2011 at 3:30 pm



Devan @ Accustomed Chaos January 25, 2011 at 2:20 am

I am so sorry for your loss. there are no words except I am sorry. Thoughts are with you & your family.


DanniiBeauty January 24, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Good on you for writing it all out. Keep on sharing it will help. Hugs to you. xx


deardarl January 24, 2011 at 3:14 pm

"That's hoping that somehow the universe is able to spin itself backwards, that time is not a continuim, but that it can fold back on itself, and mistakes can be undone."

This is something that I wish for over and over again. I'd keep him home from work that day. I'd stop him from getting in that car. I'd phone him at the precise time so that he didn't decide to go on the test run with his off-sider.
I'd give anything to spin the world backwards and get a do-over for that day.

Anything to make it not happen.


Christie January 24, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Words. I'm stuck for them. Again. Praying tomorrow is a good day for you xxxxxxx


Zoey @ Good Goog January 24, 2011 at 3:08 pm

Fuck. Bugger. Shit. A million hugs.


. January 25, 2011 at 2:07 am

Sending you a lot of good energy from distant Poland! A lot of strength! A lot of LOVE!

You know you have to take your time…

No more words as each of them seems to be so empty.



Tina ~ tina gray dot me January 24, 2011 at 3:07 pm

No words but a great big hug xxxxxxxxxx


Trish@Show and Tell January 24, 2011 at 3:07 pm

Hold on tight Lori. You will get to relive happy moments again. In your heart, in your mind, through photographs, videos, memories of friends and family.

Even through your kids' personalities and physical traits. Tony is there.

I know it is a big leap from here to that time in the future. In the meantime, we will be here. Listening, loving, caring.



jo January 24, 2011 at 3:05 pm

oh man. love ya


MotorbikesLady January 24, 2011 at 3:03 pm

(((( Hugs )))) XXXX Kisses XXXX


Jayne January 24, 2011 at 3:03 pm

I have nothing to give you except hugs and a shoulder xxxx


Fiona January 24, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Fuck, let yourself feel the hurt It hurts, there's pain.

Let it out. Share. Don't internalise. Love youself.

Love you



whatsinemmasbrain January 24, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Love…and ditto fuck. x


Rhi@FlourChild January 25, 2011 at 12:50 am

You write so well Lori. I cannot imagine what you are going through, but by reading your posts I have a glimpse in to the horrible reality you are living right now.
Take care of yourself.


Sprinx January 24, 2011 at 11:24 pm

Peace and love being sent you from a stranger across the internet.


Rebekah January 24, 2011 at 7:21 pm

Exquisitely written. I can't remember the last time something I read made me cry so hard. I don't know what to say, but I'm here to listen.

I hope coping gets easier gradually. Keep talking.


Anastasia January 24, 2011 at 7:00 pm

Oh, Lori. There are no words for this, are there? I am so sorry, I can't even fathom the depth of sorrow you must be carrying. I wish you love and I wish you peace. Bless you and your family.


Breanne January 24, 2011 at 5:51 pm

I just learned about your blog and what you're enduring by The Bloggess! Just wanted to know some random stranger out there is praying for you, thinking of your family, and amazed by your strength to share what has happened. As someone who has depression and anxiety and has multiple family members with other mental illnesses, I applaud your openness. I hope tomorrow is a better day.


cabocalla January 24, 2011 at 3:57 pm

I thought my heart was broken. Now I don’t know what broken is. I shed lots of tears over my woes. I shed them only for you right now.

Please hang on.


Mumstrosity January 24, 2011 at 3:00 pm



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