Friday, February 4, 2011

So... now what?

I'm in such a curious state of limbo at the moment.

I'm really not sure what I'm doing with myself.

There are things that need to be done, that I should be doing. Answering emails. Writing up a huge thank you post, complete with links, for all the awesome bloggers who have been behind me, all the way.

I know, what you guys have done. I know there's been an incredible amount of money raised. I know, how you held me up, supported me, taken care of me over the last month or so.

It's coming. I promise. I'm just so... shell shocked. Unable to process the finer details of anything.

Please know, I'm grateful. Please know the big thank you post is coming.

I am just too freaking exhausted at the moment.

Every morning, every day, I wake up, and think to myself "Not a-fucking-gain. Haven't we been on this ride long enough yet?"

If I say I've had fun, can I get off the rollercoaster?

Limbo. The old Normal, the Purple Normal, it's gone. Going. Traces remain. And they tear at me, break my heart. Because it's not quite far enough gone yet, that my mind doesn't trick me. My mind, sometimes, still thinks Tony is still here.

I wait for him, to walk through our back gate. In the back of my mind, there is still that horrible, awful delusion that I can, eventually, just go Home. And curl up with Tony, and cry, and he will make it all go away.

So, we wait for a new kind of Normal. It's been a month. It took five years to create the Old Normal. It's going to take longer than this to create a New Normal.

But we're getting there. Things are falling into place. Slowly.

I'm not really helping them along. I'm not ready yet, I'm just floating along. I'm exhausted. I know I can do this, that's not the problem.

I just don't fucking want to anymore.

Maxabella commented yesterday, after watching my vlog, how can I possibly still look the same?

I wonder that too. Shouldn't something change, physically? Shouldn't I have am mark, a stain, a scarlet letter to show what I've been through, what I've done, what I've seen?

Every day, when I look in the mirror, I surprise myself. Because I look no different to what I did, Before.

After Tony died, I opened the bag they gave us at the hospital, the bag with the shoes he'd been wearing when This Happened. I stared at them, expecting... something. Not blood, why am I looking for that? There was no blood.

But I was looking for something. Some indication that these were the shoes he was wearing, when he died the first time, before they bought him back.

Something to indicate that those shoes were, in fact, touching the ground. That his knees were bent, that those shoes were touching the ground, how the fuck did this happen?

I don't know. And that's just the thing. Right now, at this point, I am too exhausted to care. I'm happy, just to float around, be sad and lets the days slowly crawl past me.

Until I can be bothered again.


I've posted this photo before. But it shows the purple, the colour our house and back courtyard were Before.

And here's the back courtyard, in the After. My neighbours, the same neighbours that cut Tony down, and performed CPR, they did this for me. With help from my family. I'm forever grateful to them.

post signature


Cat said...

There's no rule book - I say do what you need to get through this day...and the next...and forget the "should". You are a remarkable woman Lori. xxxxx

Stylish Mummy said...

Im so happy that you are trying to move on and go with the motion of life, hun! xx
Love the area out the back.. looks great especially love the colour, butterflies and shelves! Oh and table/ chairs... ok everything really ;)

Romina said...

A different colour will help.

I don't really have anything to say because I don't know what to say to make you feel better, but know that you and your family are in my thoughts. Such a shocking thing to go through.

Lots of love...

Jennifer Kay said...

Is it appropriate to say that I totally love the new color of the house??? It looks so modern and I love the butterflies.

You're going to get there and we'll be right here.

toushka said...

yay for your neighbours. what angels.
I'm just commenting to send love as usual because I don't have anything useful to say. as usual. You still amaze me every day with your awesome strength.

Toni said...

Sweetheart, give yourself permission to take a year off. At least. If you feel up to doing things before then, fabbo, but if not, you have permission to do nothing.
I couldn't even get my act together to pay my power bill after my son died. Thank God the lady at Western Power understood, because it took me 3 months to pay it.

No-one -- NO-ONE -- is tapping their foot, looking at their watch and thinking, "Isn't it about time we got a thankyou post?"

Just -- look after you. Do whatever you have to. Heal.

Draft Queen said...

I love the butterflies. They are symbol of transformation. When you think about a caterpillar/butterfly lifespan, they spend a lot of time in that cocoon transforming.

You are also transforming. And it will take some time before you are ready to let your wings fly and figure out where you want them to take you, but you will figure it out.

You will, once again, be beautiful and fly.

Until then, just work on making it through the transformation. No rush.


Lisa Tait said...


Michele said...

What sweet neighbors and family. That's so lovely.

I remember thinking the same after my children died... Surely I must look different. There must be something. Some big that-woman-wasnt-worthy-to-be-a-mom tattoo across my forehead. But no... Behind the eyes, there is a different girl, but the rest looks just the same to the world at large.

Sending big hugs...

Dazee Dreamer said...

What wonderful neighbors you have. I love the color and the butterflies. My tattoo's are butterflies for my kids and grandkids.

You are in my thoughts and prayers daily.

MaidInAustralia said...

I love what your neighbours did for you Lori. Don't worry about what you should be doing/feeling. Just hang in there, and do what you feel you need/want to. Just by being here, writing this, you are getting there, one step (or post!) at a time. Sending love and hugs. xo

Jodie at Mummy Mayhem said...

I'm with Cat. There are no rules. You have to do what feels right. Don't push it. Take your time. Do what works for you. I think you're amazing.


honiebuk said...

No-one is expecting anything from you Lori. Except that is, to give yourself time. There is no explanation 'needed' for the rest - but if it helps to say there is, then say it. It's good that you choose to talk about it and we will be here to listen - it's your space and we have chosen to listen, so say whatever you feel and whatever helps you deal with this.
This space has been your soapbox for a long time and from here on in it will be different - we know that! When you have found strength and come through this, this space will be different again (not the same). Your space, your choice, your time - you decide (what, how, when). We'll be here - listening ....

Brenda said...

Oh honey. Do NOT worry about us. Look after yourself. Be good to yourself. And keep floating. Just keep floating. Love you loads.xxxx

Veronica said...

I agree Toni, give yourself permission to take a year, at least. ((hugs))

x0xJ said...

I like the change. It's pretty.
I think the hardest part of death is nothing changes physically, there's just a great big hole, an absence for where that person should be. Everywhere you turn you see them, you see them because of the lack of change, you see them because everywhere is memories. Your children will have physical features that look alike, personaility traits that were Tony's. A meal you cook that he liked, or didn't like. His favourite cup.
Hoping that things get easier for you, even if you have to just drift for a while. Let everyone carry you a bit longer. It's what we're here for.

bigwords is... said...

How wonderful are your neighbours. It looks gorgeous - I hope you find some serenity in your new space. big love x

Kel said...

Just wanted to send love x

Marianna Annadanna said...

You continue to amaze me. So strong.

Everything got jolted. All the little components got stirred up. But I'm glad they're slowly slarting to fall into place. Not the same place, a new place. But hopefully a more tolerable place compared to mid-air.

So glad to hear you say "I'm happy", even if it is just happy to be sad. It somehow sounds less traumatic. I hope it is.

There are no expectations or deadlines. Not a single one.

Abbie said...

It's okay to's okay to laugh, cry, be so fucking pissed and outraged, be selfish, dance, write, sleep, etc etc etc. There are no rules to the grieving process and from my experiences, one foes not willingly go along for the ride. It all just sort of happens. One day will be easier than the last while the next day may knock you on your ass. Ebb and flow... A dear friend once told me in one of my darker moments ( it was posted on my fb wall): "dear Abbie, it's me again. Reminding you that all you need to focus on is getting through this moment. Then we'll work on the next one. Sleep. Remember to eat. Turn off the sad songs. And when the moments run together and you forget how to get to the next one, reach out. Call me? You don't have to say a word. Just weep and I will sing you lullabies. Any. Time. Sunrise to sunset, and when you're sleeping..." Lori, don't ever forget in your lonliest moments, that hundreds, thousands of people are thinking of you, rooting for you and carrying you when you feel like you can't go on. Much love from Maine, USA -abbie

Tina ~ tina gray dot me said...

Loving what your neighbours did for you. You take as long as you need, Lori. xxx

Anonymous said...

one small conquest at a time will eventually lead to the other side. Celebrate each one. Love the courtyard. Your neighbours are precious.

edenland said...

Love you sweetheart. I'm here. Like, seriously, right here for you. I mean it - I think about you every day and send you down *extra* love and thoughts in the evenings. All my love, always.

SarcasmInAction said...

You are SO beyond brave.

Donna said...

I've no wise words to offer, only here to say I still think you are the most courageous and inspiring person I know. I think about you constantly, hoping and praying you find snippets of peace in this nightmare.

You do whatever you need, whenever you need - There is no rulebook on grief so you do whatever you need, whenever you need to. Much love xxx

Melissa said...

Noone is waiting for a thank you post. Noone needs it. All anybody wants is for you to know that even if there's nothing else we can do, we want to hear you. Good, bad, ugly - we just want to be here to hear you.

Take the pressure off and float for now. Do whatever it takes to get you to breathe in and breathe out and take every minute at a time.

Not a day has gone by in the past month that I have not thought of you, Lori. Not a single one. And I'm but one of hundreds and hundreds.

Love to you, sweet girl. Love and strength and more admiration than you know.

Mommisaurus Rex said...

My Mom and I have often talked about wishing there was a physical sign, like a bruise, that showed up when someone was in pain. Then the world would know something hurt. They may not know what or why but hopefully still showed some understanding and compassion.
Please know people around the world are carrying you in their hearts and thinking of you everyday. Thank you for continuing to post, you are an amazing woman.

Kristi said...

Dearest Lori,

It breaks my heart that anyone would have to go through what you are.

Sending love and prayers your way.

I agree with everyone else, you are an amazing woman!


Anonymous said...

Although I have not experienced anything like what you're going through, I can relate to the feeling that you should somehow look different now. Feeling incredulous that people can't tell what has happened, that the world keeps turning and the clocks keep ticking.

Your neighbours sound like wonderful people, it looks very nice.

Continuing to think of you everyday xx


Madmother said...

I know, but you need to give it all time.

You sound like you have some wonderful people around you, lean on them. And take each day as it comes.


Breanne said...

I can guarantee that no one is upset that you haven't had the energy to post a big thank you. You have said over and over again how thankful you are for the support, and people that care for you already knew it without you saying a word. I also guarantee that everyone who's been there for you just wants you to get through one day at a time, and if that means a blog thank you- great...if not, great! Think about yourself and your kids first. That's all. Everything else will take care of itself.

Oh, and I love the new paint color and butterflies. It looks peaceful and serene.

Corinne – Daze of My Life said...

If you're doing what feels like the right thing, then it is right thing.
One step at a time. Most importantly take care of yourself.


Jacki said...

Lori, just do whatever it takes for you to be okay. Don't worry about living up to other people's expectations of you. Take your time. You have really lovely neighbours to do something so special for you. It looks lovely.

Charmaine said...

I love the colour of your new courtyard and your neighbours sound lovely. Stay strong. xo

Rebecca said...

Lori please dont feel you need to say thank you. Please dont put unrealistic expectations on yourself. You have been through more than hell. You do expect that things should look different with what you have been through. The fact that you get out of bed that is a huge step.

Lean on your family and friends and wonderful neighbours. Let them take care of things until you need to.

I do love the new colour.

You have so many people who care about you and no one needs a thank you. Just keep cuddling your two little angels and that is thanks enough.

lori said...

The patio is beautiful!
There's no time-table, no etiquette, no rule, for what you're going through. Take your time. Get up each day, hold your kids, grieve, process, get pierced, whatever you need to do to make it through the day. You're doing amazingly well. Just take your time. We love you and think about you and I'm glad knowing that helps you through somehow.

Ms Styling You said...

What amazing neighbours, Lori ... take all the time to float ...xx

Sarah said...

Thank yous can wait. People understand that it can take a long time to do this step.

Seriously what fantastic neighbours and family do you have. To think of paining the outdoor area. That is helpful.
And for now, thats what you need. To be allowed to float along and get useful help from others.

Take care and remember to eat and drink.

iMags said...

The courtyard looks really nice, Lori. You have some absolutely fabulous neighbours. They too have been so amazingly strong and I do not for a moment believe that walking into your back yard that day was easy for them. I imagine they too are carrying some deep torture for what they saw and what they had to do.

When you are up to it. Thank them first. They sound magnificent.

Until then, look after yourself and your kids first. Find your way through your new normal.

Lots of love for the new normal Lori.

SheLikesToTravel said...

I think of you so often and I hope that you find small comforts which can lead you to larger ones.

Amy xxoo said...

There is no timetable to follow in these situations - no " On day 18 of the After you should be.... blah blah blah ". Only you know what you are capable of at any given time so, aside from your gorgeous bubbins's, the only person you need to worry about is YOU.

Mummahh said...

Take as long as you want and need.

ejay said...

Lori, I've only been reading your blog for a few months so I am reasonably new here but I'm sure other readers will agree with me in saying that the greatest Thank You your 'readers' could possibly have was actually seeing you on your vlog, seeing that Lori is still there and soldiering on....I can only imagine how hard that was for you, you are such an inspiration.

What wonderful neighbours and family you have to transform your looks fantastic.

Maxabella said...

Big rattley tears seeing that photo of Tony in the purple courtyard, Lori. If only we could repaint ourselves to make us different and fresh.

If only, if only, if only.

Sob, cry, heave, lurch, stumble... you will get where you need to be, Lori. Whenever that is. Wherever that is. Whatever that is.

Yes, you still look the same. How can that be? x

deardarl said...

I was in a fog for the first 6 months.
Working part time really helped me cope, but then, both my kids had started school when It happened. Work filled up my days and made me tired enough to sleep at night.
So really, it's just plain plodding on. There's no quick fix that I know of. It just has to be lived through.
But you don't have to do it alone.

Aussiemumbecc said...

I dont know how your doing it Lori, blogging, mothering, getting by. Your amazing, you don't need to say thankyou, we thank you for letting us in to such a tough time of your life and showing us what it's really like, no bullshit. Thankyou and take care x

Anonymous said...

your new color is just lovely. take care of yourself, please. sending you thoughts of love and peace from Texas.

Being Me said...

You've got yourself some incredible neighbours there. I remember looking in the mirror when I turned 29, four months after losing my daughter. I looked at myself and saw with some horror that I didn't even look older. I felt ANCIENT, because of the harrowing head-mess I had been through and the visions I still had and the wonders I let my mind run away with... I ought to at least have had some crows' feet. Nothing. And any asshat I told that to who said "Be thankful you still look young! *chortle chortle*" bore the brunt of my wrath that first year.

Darling, you are doing so marvellously. I cannot even tell you. You'll turn around in a few months and think "Faaark, I did that? And THAT? And that as well???" You won't believe then how much you are achieving now. Even if it feels to you like diddly bloody squat.

Wanderlust said...

I love the new color. I love your neighbors. Take all the time you need to float around. Nobody's expecting a thank you post. Love you... counting down the days. xo

thepixiechick said...

I can only echo what everyone else has said.
Thanks will come in time, if you feel moved to it. Right now it is so not important. Right now what matters is:
1. you keep breathing;
2. you find a reason to get out of bed in the morning;
3. you survive;
4. you have (comparatively) good days sometimes;
5. you keep blogging;
6. you know we are all here for you whenever you need it.
One day, you will go from surviving, to living, to being something like happy. No one expects that of you now. If you got through the day, you have done what you needed to do.
love always xoxoxox

alliecat said...

The new courtyard is beautiful, thankyou for showing it, I was wondering what you had done with it. Your neighbours are angels, and I am so glad they could do this for you.

A thnkyou post is not necessary. You've said it here, and in other posts, we know. Not necessary. Conserve your energy for yourself and your kidlets. xxx

**stacebird** said...

Oh Lori. I think you have only tiniest idea of what a strong, beautiful, awe-inspiring, kickass woman you are. And that tiny idea is okay for now, but just know that all of us out here think that you are that to the absolutely-fucking-highest-degree! Put no blame of any kind at all whatsoever on your shoulders because you are deserving of only love, support and recuperation (however slow you need it to be). There is no "suppose to"s or "should"s right now, there is only what you need and feel is right, at each moment. Let yourself heal, sweet girl.

Apfel said...

You always leave me at a loss of words. I am not the greatest person when it comes out to voicing out my view or feelings in tough times. I should work on that. But just know, that whatever you've been doing, blogging regularly just to let all of us know that you're doing okay, keeping that smile on at all times, and being honest to yourself, it takes a lot of guts and power to do this in the position where you are, my heart goes out to you. Mean it.

Like the 50+ people who commented before I did and the 200+ who will comment after me, I also say that, we don't need a thank you post. We just need you to know that we are all here for you. People all around the world, any time you log on, one of us will be online reading you.

See, you had me at a loss of words but got out a good 2 paragraphs from me :) Hugs to you and to the kids. Lots of love.

Sarah said...

A month already Lori - it's hard to believe.

I have no great advice because I've never been where you are, but it seems to me that floating is not such a bad way to be travelling right now, and floating is not sinking.

I love your new courtyard - what a wonderful thing for your neighbours to do.

Cate said...

Love the colour.
Love what the neighbours and family did for you.
And want you to know that we all love you too.


DanniiBeauty said...

Just keep floating - thats all you need to do right now...........the backyard looks gorgeous. Stay strong and look after yourself.xx

Marla said...

What lovely neighbors. I hope you are surrounded by such love and kindness for a very long time.

Anonymous said...

Take all the time you need, Lori.

A month, a year, however long it takes.


Naomi @ Under the Yardarm said...

As others have said, there are no rules, do what you want, what you can, when you can. Give yourself time, with no limits.... whatever you need. xxxxxx

Sharnanigans said...

That is so great of your neighbours, you are surrounded by loving people, I hope that shows you how wonderful you are, if you ever doubted it.

Anonymous said...

You've got lovely followers and lovely neighboutrs because you, yourself are lovely. You rock Lori, I think of you often and I love what Sarah said: and floating is not sinking!

Langdowns said...

Sending love and hugs. L

Jess said...

I honestly think I speak for everyone when I say we are not doing this to get a public thank you. I know you feel gratitude and that is enough. Everyone here is trying to ease your pain... Even if it's just a tiny bit. You don't owe us a giant thank you blog. You should be thanked. For being you. For not quitting your blog. For writing openly.. Because it is helping so many people. I don't doubt that for a second. So thank YOU. Keep breathing. Keep getting up every morning. Keep telling us of the ups and downs. You are simply amazing.

Scribbling Mum said...

I can only echo what everyone else has said. Float if you need to, go with what you need to do. Sending love x

River said...

We don't need those thank yous Lori, we really don't.
Just take the time you need and work through this.
Love your courtyard and the butterflies. Your neighbours are awesome.

lotus said...

Just do what you need to do and take as long as you need to. You've been through and going some massive stress/changes (that's not the right words...) anyway just look after you x

My New Normal said...

We all have to find our new normal after suffering a tragedy.

It's the part of the grieving process that no one tells you about. They talk about all the "stages" but never really talk about the day to day living part. I wish you luck finding your new normal. I know I'm still trying to find mine.

Becky said...

What a wonderful thing your neighbours have done. I hope the change brings you some peace.
Just float. Don't worry about 'shoulds' xo

Hear Mum Roar said...

I think this is the perfect time to rip 'should' out of your dictionary:) I love the new colour, and your neighbours for doing that for you.

I think it sounds like it's a new life for you now, and a time to reflect on what you really want in it. You can do anything, so take your time and ride this storm out, and as time goes on, your life will slowly begin to take shape again. We can all already see this happening for you everyday.

Miss Angela Solo said...

Limbo is where all the cool kids are Lori. For a time anyway. (post loss).

Limbo lingers. And in time, with hindsight, you can look back and reflect on its demise.

But the transition from limbo to living is a series of days, weeks and months, where you spend a moment more time living, and a moment less in limbo.

In the meantime, keep breathing, and know that there are many people holding you close in their hearts and minds, willing you forward.

Thinking of you


Claire said...

I have just come across your blog, I am new to all this. I think that it is lovely that you have such wonderful people around you both online and offline. I won't sympathise with you or tell you that I know what you must be going through because I think that would be patronising. I hope that with the support you have around you that you can feel free to take the time that you need. I think it has been commented on already but I agree that you shouldn't worry about what you should or shouldn't be doing/feeling/looking. Just keep going, one minute at a time and sooner or later you'll arrive at a better place.
Nice to meet you,

Cherie said...

I've been reading you, with you, lurking, crying, agreeing, angry, all along wishing I could make it all better for you. Have just done a short post and mentioned you on my blog ... hope it's OK Darling.
So thinking of you, you're so brave, so honest, you're a very special hero. xo.

cassey said...

Your neighbours are the awesome. Normal is overrated. What you're describing reminds me of Finding Nemo and Dori[Dory?] and her "Just keep swimming song".

Anonymous said...

Lori, no one is expecting anything of you: you've already amazed us all by doing so much more than anyone ever thought possible.

You just float & get through & we will carry you for as long as you need us to. We will hold you up & help you through & there will never be a moment when we are not with you

Love, constantly. Sophie xxx

Anonymous said...

Thank YOU!! My loss is recent and raw, and it is the same loss as yours in the same manner, although I was spared having to witness the act.
You articulate what I cannot. I am also floating through the days waiting for ...............something. For someone to tell me it was all a mistake and Phil is coming home...............or something.
Your words tell me I am not insane, this is normal for what we have been through, and this coping mechanism may just save us from insanity.
So thank you for your words, you are helping me and others who have been through this most horrendous injury and you may just help others prevent this act that destroys and maims.
All my gratitude,

Shammy said...

I feel the same about wondering why I didn't look different when in the aftermath of loss. I totally understood European countries who wear black as a sign of mourning. I really wanted a outward symbol that everybody would understand to be gentle with me, my feelings are raw, be kinder. My prayers go out to you dear Lori.

Taryn said...

Good lord so many comments! Takes me 5 hours to scroll down! Ok not really! You have so much love and support here. Lori, your outdoorsy area is looking just fab. What a lovely place to be. "Normality" will return in some shape or form. Just continue floating for a bit. Nothing wrong with that. xxxxx

Shelley said...

Great Big Hugs

Barbara said...

Hugs. I cannot even begin to imagine how you are feeling but from where I'm standing it looks like you're doing an amazing job just keeping afloat. xxx

flask said...

still with you.

april said...

Hugs. I too am still here. will be for as long as you need people.

Christie said...

Thinking of you, marveling at your strength and knowing that in time you'll find your new normal. Wishing you love and support along the way.

bekkles said...


You are breaking a silence which so needed breaking and also something else amazing, proving the capacity for people to gather for community to open their hearts.

Hugs to your neighbours for being such loving decent people. And hugs for you. Trying to find your new colours, trying to work out what now.

No-one expects a thank you. Thats not why we comment. We comment because you put a piece of your heart on this screen for us.Because we care. Becasue we want you to know that if it helps, we're here, we're reading.

Emma. said...

Part of me wishes I had known about you Before, but seeing you and reading your words After shows me that whatever you've already come through previously (I've read back enough to have a fairly good idea), you've got more fortitude and strength than you probably even realise...likely because you're in the eye of the storm. You really are incredible and the way you are sharing all of this is with the world makes me feel honoured to have your trust and be privy to it.

Huge hugs from someone who doesn't know you from a bar of soap, really, but thinks you are pretty friggin' amazing.


Tenille @ Help!Mum said...

I know I can do this, that's not the problem. I just don't fucking want to anymore.

I know that feeling. It sucks arse. It sounds like you have some wonderful people around you to help you get through it though. Your 'new' courtyard looks great. xox

Watershedd said...

You have more love round you now that I bet you ever realised Before. Wonderful neighbours.

Don't rush anything. And no=one really needs a thankyou. We know. X

City Girl said...

I'm with Toni. There's no right or wrong at times like these. Whatever helps you take another breath and get through another day is what you should do. And, I'm sure your loved ones aren't expecting a huge thank you. I admire your strength and ability to put your feelings down in a post.

Carly Findlay said...

Wow. That's really hit me. Tears are falling. Your neighbours are angels.
I am feeling for you.

JallieDaddy said...

What fantastic neighbours you have!

You're making your own rules here: I reckon
anything you do is right; if it's right for you & yours

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