I've been reluctant to write it... because I know, psychologically, that what I'm doing here is called 'meaning making'. Taking something as torrid and awful as the death of someone you love, and trying to put some form of purpose around it, some kind of framework for it to fit in beyond a group of atoms and cells that grow, and live, and die, and decay.
But knowing that... does it change it? Not at all. You can know exactly how something works... and there can still be magic in it.
***
Because does it feel like Tony sent us here, to this house; that he sent this house to us? Of course it does.
How could it not? When it's just the type of house we always discussed buying for ourselves, in a few years time... taking our Purple Life with us?
When it's got everything I always said I wanted in a house- floorboards, a dishwasher, built in 'robes, a ceiling fan, a Hills Hoist clothesline...
And a garden full of flowers, for his daughter and his wife. The flowers we didn't have at our wedding, cost and time prohibiting, and he always promised he'd give me.
And then there's the steam trains... the Chop's favorite thing on the planet. We did steam trains, in our Purple Life. Trains even has it's own label on my blog.
And every Sunday, here in TinyTrainTown, the view from our front window is this...
I know... a string of small coincidences, that might mean nothing at all. And after losing the dog, my faith in the whole idea was sorely shaken. But, as I mentioned In The Powder Room, my mum and her philosophising helped a good deal (as the philosophy of mothers often does).... that maybe Scarlette stayed as long as she could, until she knew we were safe... and then headed back to her master.
That helps enough, fits enough, to fit in with the scheme of things... we've found a perfect little family home for the little family that is the three of us, at a price that suited perfectly too.
It sounds melodramatic and over the top.... but 'heaven sent' seem to be just the right words to use.
23 comments:
I love this! I don't think it sounds melodramatic or over the top at all. And I love your mother's philosophy about your dog...it all makes perfect sense to me.
I think it completely makes sense. It makes too much sense to not be true, really. x
I'm glad you have found this place, sometimes things just seem to 'feel' right and fall perfectly into place. Tony would be so proud. xx
Lovely post. I had tears in my eyes reading about Scarlette going back to her master. Makes sense to me.
What a gorgeous train.
Absolutely heaven sent. And as for 'meaning making' -- well what's the point to life if we can't make meaning out of it?
Bring on the healing. XXX
Not melodramatic or or over the top.
Beautiful and healing.
:-)
I truly believe you. Beautiful post. May you share and enjoy all the wonderful memories that will come from this home.
Lori -
1. Not over the top.
2. Totally true ... sometimes some distance can bring perspective.
3. I remember once saying, "If anyone dares say 'it's all part of God's plan' I will punch them in the face..." and meaning it.
4. And 1 year later speaking on that same topic.
I think the house sounds amazing. Leap - girl - leap. I hope it is a soft pillow of trains you land on.
Kristen
All things have a purpose and a meaning to me, Lori. I think you can live the life you imagine and sometimes it takes a really, really awful thing to happen to make us chase our dreams. x
I think what you outlined is a very reasonable belief Lori. Not melodramatic at all! xx
Sounds more than reasonable to me, Lori. Trains and homes and events and pets... they all conspire to bring us where we are meant to be in life.
Beautiful.
What a great post you wrote....and my 4 year old son would love to have a train passing our house every now and then as he loves trains too!
Wishing you lots of happiness...
Wendy
My boys would LOVE the steam trains. You can see them out your window? FANTASTIC! Little boy heaven.
It's nice to see Tony is still looking after you guys in whatever ways he can.
living life. beautifully. x
Not melodramatic at all. Just seems true and right. Finally, some good. You deserve every ounce of it.
Heaven sent, truly! And I pray that there will be a downpour of blessings on your home and your beautiful family.
God bless.
Totally get what you are saying in this post Lori. And I love what your mum said about Scarlette - make sense to me xx
hi - do you not find it interesting that the things we like to happen, we can describe or see as being 'heaven sent' but the things we don't like, and that includes everything, are not.
Some pause for thought perhaps.
Or we could say 'sometimes in the groove, sometimes not' - but is the groove only when it feels comfortable or pleasant ? How do we know for sure that the 'groove' doesn't have bumpy or sharp bits as well the smooth ?
And, if we WERE able to see and feel the good in ALL things that happened, the 'pleasant' and the 'unpleasant', wouldn't that mean we'd never be unhappy ?
So, as a point of contemplation or discussion, I don't think it's fair or consistent to say that only the pleasant things are 'heaven sent'.
I'm not discounting any help from 'spiritually based folk' ( disincarnates, spirits etc ) either, but that just fits in with what I'm saying anyway.
This is a reminder for myself too I realise ( as I write this ).
I appreciate though that you are really expressing some good feelings today, and being glad for them.
I totally get this. The more life i live the more i feel there is purpose and meaning to things. I'm not religious in any traditional sense, and i don't really believe in spirits or life after death or angels, but I do think there are forces and powers we don't yet perceive. And i do believe that we are capable of the most wonderful things.
but maybe i believe all this as a comfort.
Does it really matter?
M2M
lori, you should read steve jobs's commencment speech, it's all about connecting the dots
Lori, I think your thoughts are perfect. You are right to see the good and nuturing elements of the life you have found yourself and your family in, as a gift from your Tony. For who else would know to guide you to all those things that you spoke of together? Who knew how to whisper to your heart? You know the answer and let it warm your soul everytime you think of it.
r.e. Paul in good 'ol Melbourne post.
I really love what you had to say. You make a very good point, but I dont believe that it is something that can be acknowledged in the midst of of an experience. I believe with hindsight (and the willingness to revisit that experience) you can allow yourself to see that the distinction of it being good OR bad, doesnt necessarily accurately describe all that you have experienced and learnt. Because with experience, comes wisdom and with wisdom yours eyes can take in so much more.
Thank you both ... for sharing your posts. Today you have given me food for thought... and something to smile about.
~Von~
I think it's lovely, and I agree with your mum about the dog. What a lovely Sunday view...
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