Thursday, October 27, 2011

Ink- Part Two.

I think I'll begin this post by saying- I'm not an idiot, I know that this is revealing my children's names. After thinking long and hard about that.... I'm OK with it. Partly because their names have been used repeatedly in the print media, with my permission, and they are easy enough to find if someone is looking hard. I will continue to use their pseudonyms when I speak of them. Why? Not sure. It just feels right.

As I said, I'm OK with that. It's a choice I've made, and not what I'm writing about today.


I love my new tattoo.

It's been ten years since I suffered through getting Jiminy Cricket, my first tattoo. And I'm booked in for another one, on a day later this week. An early birthday present, a Shakespeare quote. I'll tell you all about it soon enough.

But I think that will be enough ink for me another few years at least. I'm not sure why, I think that's just the way it works... an itch has been scratched, and it will be a while before it irritates me enough to bother it again.


Tony was covered in tattoos- arms, back, chest. I've mentioned before the inscription he had done after we were married... "Ad infinito, in infinitum" From the beginning, to infinity without end.

The designs he had for our children, they looked like this...

And that's what I have now, too.

He made me promise so many times I'd never have his name tattooed on me, he had seen that act of devotion go wickedly wrong, and so had I. I promised, and meant it, and kept it. The letter 'T', it feels even better, more of a secret, more real... it reminds me that he was mine.


I am too damn skinny and sometimes I see a flash of my tattoo, dark on pale skin, against the fraility of my arms and I picture Amy Winehouse in my head.

In the Before I never would have dreamed of getting a tattoo somewhere so visible, which is why I think I left it so long, to be sure I wanted it where it is.

And, as I said, I love it.

Catching that flicker of darkness, sometimes, it makes me feel marked, like some kind of permanent scarlet letter.

As bizarre as that sounds, there is certainly power in it, and I soak it up, drink it... being visually marked with this difference that has sat inside me, unseen, for so many months now. There's power in that, in giving physical pain a marker that the whole world can see.

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Kelloggsville said...

I wonder if, as you move the pain from the core to the outer edges, whether you will be able to throw it up in the air and away one day. xxx

Ps - nice ink xx

Miss Pink said...

Oooh where will your third be?
Meh. A true stalker of RRSAHM would have known your kids names by now ;P
And I love where you got it.

Suzi said...

I like the 'T'. He died with you loving him, it can't end in the tatoo regretting hatred surrounding divorce ,so why not? With the two children surrounding him it's personal & perfect.
xx said...

Definitely understand the giving the pain a physical respresentation.

Toni said...

It used to be a tradition to tattoo yourself in honour of the dead in some cultures, and why not? they leave an indelible mark on your insides, so why not on your outside too?
Also I love Kellogsvilles' comment.

M. Drew Emmick said...

LOVE IT! Perfection.

Amy xxoo said...

You know what i think? By having the tatt in such a visible place, its like saying " i'm not afraid to see my pain, or to have my pain seen by others ". And the bravery in that very notion gives you the power and strength you need to keep moving forward.
Does that make sense? As one who has matching tattoos for two people i have lost, i can understand the feeling it gives you...

Mum's the word said...

I like it, its very intimate,and personal.. it fits x

Anonymous said...

Me? I'm not fussed about todays tattoos. Does that come as a surprise? Working in dermatology I saw too many bad ones. But that's another story - actually some very funny stories.
Anyway, I want to tell you about the two most beautiful tattoos I have seen.
My niece and her hubby lost their firstborn at 4 hrs old. Hubby had the name inked in hebrew(it was a biblical name) just inside his left wrist at the base of his palm. It doesn't compromise his professional appearance but it is always visible to him at any time of the day and he likes that people might ask about it when they see it. I cried when I saw it.
Tattoo 2. Many, many years ago, a friend a little older than me spent time as a nurse with a remote tribal community that tattooed as part of their culture. When she had 'served' her probation, her sister nurses gifted her with a tribal tattoo. They made a bed for her to lie on while the tribesperson worked the tattoo and all throughout the process they took it in turns to sing to her, dance for her, feed her and entertain her to take her mind off the pain. It is small, discreet and totally out of place when you look at her, but totally right when you get to know her.
I'm glad yours makes you happy, Lori. May you always smile when you look at them.
Mrs. C

Melissa said...

I can totally relate to the need for an outward manifestation of grief. I think about years ago when a grieving widow wore black for a year - it told the world to treat her gently, I think. To show respect for a devastating loss. I hope the world treats you a bit gentler.

Anonymous said...

Melissa, What a beautiful expression to explain the wearing of mourning clothes. I always thought it was to remind people of the person who had died, I never thought of it as a way to relate to the person mourning. Thank you.
Mrs. C

Anonymous said...

It's interesting where you see frail arm, I see an arm attached to the strongest woman I've met. You may be small but you are powerful Much love Thanks for the band :-) x o x o x o PS wanted it sent cause i love getting stuff in the mail, (Bit disappointed postie stung you an extra dollar to send it from tiny train town to Garbo!) Rich eh??

Karen said...

I think it's a beautiful and perfect tribute. In fact, it makes me tear up. xx

Maxabella said...

I love it too. x

Steph - StellarMums said...

My 3rd tattoo is highly visible - in honour of my Mum who passed away earlier this year. It was the most painful of all, which seemed cathartic and fitting. Your tattoo is beautiful and likewise, to me, seems very fitting. Wearing your heart on your sleeve (or forearm as is the case for both of us) makes perfect sense to me! xoxo

Zoey @ Good Googs said...

I wasn't even smart enought to think I might want to use pseudonyms to start off with. But still when I write about them there's a certain rightness about googy and squishy.

LOVE the tattoo.

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