Saturday, October 8, 2011

Internet Dating 102- First Dates

First dates are horrible.

I am racked with nerves, insecure and shy. I don't know what to wear, what to say... I plan in my head, how it will go, and I get it all wrong.

I am too freaking old for this.

But this is too grown up for me, playing dress ups in heels and pretending to be an adult.

My heart thumps unevenly and I sweat profusely... I stink of nerves and adrenalin. My hands shake.

I am out of my depth.... in an apartment that my children would destroy in thirty seconds. Eating a simplified version of food far too rich for me. Turning down wine and offerings of chocolate.

Lori, first date style.
There is no spark here... nice enough, but no desire to rip this man clothes off and taste whats underneath. There are no butterflies peaking in my stomach... the nerves I felt to begin with have been replaced by a cold, stale disappointment that smells of the remnants of that animal sweat.

I want to go home.


Dating intensifies the biting ache I feel for my husband.

Dating is fun... but it's noweher near as fun as anything was with Tony.

I still haven't met anyone who can make me laugh like he could.


The awesome Oldie asked me the other day... do I really need to be looking to date? Aren't I a whole person, just the way I am...?

Damn straight I am. And that's why, I think, I'd like somebody to share me with.

I'm pretty cool... and I am so damn self actualised after the last few months of mindfulness and therapy that I am, sometimes, quite sick of my own head.

Living is for sharing. As I said in my last post, I believe that life is love... having someone to cuddle, someone to laugh with, someone who knows you and cares about your more than anyone else in the world; and who feels that way because they choose to, not because they are obligated to by any blood or marriage relations... that's a very special thing.

That's the jellybeans in the lolly jar of life.

And it's worth searching for.

C'mon, anonymous.... I'm still waiting.

Someone else may beat you to it.

And on that note... any emails, always welcome. If you know what I mean.

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jacqui said...

These anonymous admirers of yours need to start emailing you already! What's taking so long, guys?

paul in melbourne said...

Yes, lori, you'll be comparing any new beaus with Tony, that'll take some time to get a handle on, and is quite natural of course anyway. Perhaps it's also a gauge of how much 'let go' you've made ( of the past, not of Tony ).

Expect also to inadvertently use Tony's name in the sharing of an intimate moment with someone else somewhere may not even realise that you've said it either.

You might want to try increasing your love going out ( because that's what you'll get back, as they say ) in other areas of Life - kids, hobbies, relatives, nature, community groups, yourself etc - while you're exploring the company of new male companions. Takes the pressure off the 'search' ( or is it a quest ? ) and you get to be happier in those times when there ain't no good lovin' fella around ( and I mean that in the nicest possible way, well, all ways, for that matter I guess )

Early days're doin' fine, it appears.

Amy xxoo said...

I just wanted to say - wooty woo you sexy lady, with two secret admirers!

Eccles said...

Count them - 1+1=2 secret admirers WAHOO!! C'mon guys. You know we're all sitting on the edge of our virtual seats waiting with captured breath... Take the leap of faith. Lori is one HOT mamma ;)

Anonymous said...

Hi Lori, I'm not a mum but ive been reading your blog from b4.....the know.It's been over a year since my heart was smashed into a 10000000 pieces. I am in awe of your bravery.I know I will never find another Mike.He is still my best friend,it's torture.Putting yourself out there seems like a task that is too painful.I remember that feeling of contentment and I think will I ever feel that way again.Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to be happy,even though I know I am an awesome person.But how many times can I survive the hurt?Good luck Lori I cant wait to read of your adventures.I wish I could have the courage to try again...I'm only 38, no kids. No family.But the wall i've bulit is enormous and nobody will ever get over it.

Laura a.k.a rah said...

I just wanted to say that you're so brave and you're doing SO well

Sarah Mac said...

Dating's hard at first Lori for lots of reasons.

I've had a few, mostly nice but unremarkable but that's ok.

It's the getting out there, being brave enough to give it a go that really matters.

Being alone is no fun sometimes, it's natural to want to share.

I hope you find someone special.

Kelloggsville said...

The whole 'right' guy thing is hard , doubly hard if you've had the good fortune to have found it once in your life already. Men are all different. Don't look for Tony or what you had, just allow yourself to see the person you are with as an individual. If all else fails just sleep around a bit, I found that part of the man hunt glorious fun :)

paul in melbourne said...

( To anonymous - see above post ): May I suggest you take up carpentry.

Then you can build a door in that wall of yours.

That way you can have both worlds.

GiGi said...

Apparently, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince....
I just think that if you view looking for a partner in such a formal way, you'll always be comparing them to Tony; perhaps you're not ready to let him go yet.
You might just find that special someone when you stop looking - I love serendipity. Just get out there and live your life, talk to everyone - car mechanics, postmen, soccer coaches - and take up any offer from friends who try to match you up with single men friends.
Perhaps just let cupid do his stuff....

Simonee said...

listen i was a mum of two kids and although my ex is stillliving, i found it hard to put myself out there again... i managed to find a wonderful man who was willing to take care of us as well.... it happens it just takes the stars aligning... the other thing is not to look for what you had with Tony, it will be different because the man is different... give it a couple of dates to discount the deer in the headlights thing... good luck lori

Simonee said...

listen i was a mum of two kids and although my ex is stillliving, i found it hard to put myself out there again... i managed to find a wonderful man who was willing to take care of us as well.... it happens it just takes the stars aligning... the other thing is not to look for what you had with Tony, it will be different because the man is different... give it a couple of dates to discount the deer in the headlights thing... good luck lori

jane said...

Hi Lori,
You are so brave. I read all the time and this is the first time I have wanted to 'chew the fat'.
Just think of using internet dating to increase your social life...with no attachment to the outcome. I used it for 4 years, (and thought I had found a gem or I recovered and disentangled myself from -history- lets say. Those gems were also looking for 'love'.
They werent looking for ME in particular though, just love...
Its natural to want to love and be loved, but its not like filling a vacant position. I bet you will find just when you are comfortable and attached to your solo-hood, that partner will step up and put you into a spin...because you have worked so hard to get there.
And he probably wont be available till then. The fates seem to work that way. When people asked why I was still single after 5 years (rude,I know), I just say my next partner is probably still married...and everyone else is a compromise.
You cant look for love can only be open and loving, and it will find you. Love doesnt like pressure...
did your date want more when you had already mentally passed on him- and didnt that convince you more that it wasnt happening?
Love those beautiful kids, your family, your friends, get out and smile and talk to people, date yourself, cause one day it will be there, and you will wonder why you wasted anytime forcing other 'matches'.
You are an inspiration. Enjoy dating, dont lower you standards, and dont settle for less than the laughter you had before.
much love, J.

Suzi said...

Just think of them as practice dates in preparation for the real thing - you don't know when it will happen, but you will know it when it does :)

Flying Solo said...

Hi Lori
Tara here (offspring mag). Good luck with ur dating! I recently started Internet dating too and blogged about my (almost) 30 dates in 30 days. Makes me feel like im some geeky highschool girl again and not the mature mother that I am! Ah well, it's a bit of fun hey? Thinking of you and goodluck!

Annabellz said...

yep... practice, practice, practice. Sucks. But when you find "the one" the sparks will fly and woooohooo!

deardarl said...

You know .... I'm kind of at the same point (even though Greg's been dead for over 18 months now) .... I want to find a safe place to lay my head and be hugged by some big strong arms and have a conversation where the butterflies in my stomach start going nuts I signed up at [email protected] and slowly found out that what I was looking for just wasn't there because he's buried at the local graveyard.

Maxabella said...

And it's worth searching for. x

Anonymous said...

If your referring to me to hurry up and email you... I'd rather wait for your first man to email- he got there first. I can happily wait- and stalk I guess. :)

Anon Man # 2

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