Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Internet dating 103 - Sex.

I'm finding there are three types of men on most internet dating sites... especially the free ones.

There's the decent blokes.

Then there are dickheads who are harmless and inoffensive, but you wouldn't date if they promised the earth, the moon and all the chocolate on it.

And then there's the other types of dickheads. The offensive ones who really deserve some kind of restraining order at the very least, and most probably a hard kick in the nuts.

Having dabbled in Internet dating back in the day, before kids and husband (remember Jay from Masterchef, anyone?), I was kind of expecting the offensive dickheads. I was thinking that maybe, being a bit older and clearly stating "Looking for something long term" and "Widowed" on my profile would deter most of them.

No way of knowing, really, if that worked to reduce their occurrence or not... I still get dickhead mail, on a semi regular basis.

Some bona fide messages I've got- unprompted, this being the first contact I've had with them...

Wnt 2 cum 2 Canbrra 4 a 3sum?

Hi sexy... you'd look good on my dick.

Hi r u up fr a shag tnite? Lks like I live nr u.

Seriously? Seriously? The mind just... boggles.

Who are these men who send messages like that? What on earth are they like, in real life, without a keyboard seperating them and the women they are talking to?

Would any of them even have the balls to say that a women, to her face? I doubt it?

I'm doubting that there a not a lot of women out there who reply back with something like "Sure, love to, call me." But maybe that's just me being naive... are there women like that out there? Doesn't that just put you in all kinds of danger? I can understand the basis of it, I suppose, the anonymous sex and the thrill of it.... but there have to be better ways of doing it than that.

It's all so freaking confusing. As I said.. the mind boggles. It's difficult not to get pissed off with messages that suggest sex and are full of bad spelling and bad grammar.

I've taken to copying and pasting a message in reply that says something like....

"In my experience, men who act like tossers have extremely small penises. Get fucked."

Which is hopefully the online equivalent of kicking ill-mannered men in the balls, and makes me feel like an absolute bitch.

Most satisfying.


I swear this is an actual, bona fide exchange I suffered through.

Him: hi...i am after fun ...if you interested ,,,drop me line
Me: Dude. Did even read my profile? I'm a widow. With two kids. Looking for something long term.
Him: hi Douche nice to hear from you ...and i did read your profile ....
bout i thought i have to ask any way ..

i am really interested ....if you change your mind .let me know

Do we see the problem here? Apart from atrocious spelling and general idiocy.... he thought my name was Douche.

post signature


Nicole McLachlan said...

Dear Douche, can't believe you'd turn that guy down! Love Nx :)

MultipleMum said...

The least they could be doing is inviting you somewhere interesting for a threesome! But Canberra? Would you go to Canberra for anything? Good luck Lori. x

Hand-Made said...

ohhh Lori! This made me laugh so hard! What on earth are these men thinking?

I hope you find someone lovely and fun and an all round nice bloke.

Like you said. The rest can get fucked!

Where is that guy that left the comment? Has he emailed yet? We are all waiting :) lol

Nic said...

This post made me laugh, Lori! Been there done the whole internet dating thing - same messages as you, words are a little shorter than they used to be though lol..

I shuddered when you mentioned Jay from Masterchef *shudders again*..

I am still laughing at the douche part, what a dick! hahaha - Good luck! x

Jess@Diary of a SAHM said...

It makes you wonder what they would do if you responded with 'hell yes!' They would probably be so terrified it would crawl back up their pants!

THE Bird said...

I was just having a converstion with my ex regarding spelling and grammar, he has just named his new baby girl Ruby- spelt rubi.... Seriously! rub-eye!!! No way!!
Too funny!

   /duʃ/ Show Spelled [doosh] Show IPA noun, verb, douched, douch·ing.
a jet or current of water, sometimes with a dissolved medicating or cleansing agent, applied to a body part, organ, or cavity for medicinal or hygienic purposes.
the application of such a jet.
an instrument, as a syringe, for administering it.
a bath administered by such a jet.
Slang: Vulgar . douche bag ( def. 2 ) .

Anonymous said...

Looks like I've got some competition... Haha! Is my spelling good enough for you, douche? :)

Why Internet date anyway? Only seedy old men actually go on those sites... Yeugh. You should go to your local pub and chat up some guys playing pool... AKA me...

Anon man #2

Anne-Maree Palmieri said...

That is gold. GOLD I tell you! Hahaha!
But hey, at least it makes the culling process very very simple.

I can't wait for the next installment.

Annie xxxxx

Oldie said...

Seems to me a lot of people have forgotten manners, decorum, Honour and Respect. All the important things that have been eroded by the invasion of U.S. Sub-Cultures that show men as "Soldiers" and all women as "Things to Give Joy to Males".

Sorry you have been finding all these boyish jerks online. As a male I am disgusted in many of my supposedly fellow men today.

And thanks for the laugh with your responses to them... fully deserving of a viperous reply.

paul in melbourne said...

I'd like to apologise on behalf of the male species for those blokes. It's obviously an evolution thing, and we all have to wait for the new genes to kick in.

On a different note though - I don't know how these dating sites are set up technically, but if you're emailing replies to them via your own email client ( ie not through and within the dating site system ) then it's a strong possibility that you're replying to spam or phishing attempts ( espeially ones like that SMS / tweeting style message. )

Keep an eye on your email spam levels, and be extra careful about opening email from new or unknown senders.

If communication occurs inside the dating site ( ie users don't know the emails of who they're emailing ), that's a lot safer.

Jennifer said...

These messages you get remind me of the foul-minded trucker in Thelma and Louise. You need a tanker truck filled with explosive liquid and some firearms...

Torkona said...

For a dude's perspective, a lot of the times (especially the free ones) you're on there with your mates having a lark.. especially if you are around about the 13-14 age (opr above)

But, I've internet dated, and it really is a fantastic way to meet people. Sift through the crap and you'll get some nice ones.

But I'm looking from my perspective. When I used to be online dating, I never once had a gal ask me "want me 2 cum 2 yur house tonite". Goes to show, guys are just dumb and girls don't waste time..

good luck, but have fun!

- tork

paul in melbourne said...

May I suggest also, Lori, as a general rule, that you don't go round calling total strangers names like douche ( which I didn't realise was the short form of douche bagm as I hadn't heard it years, sorry ).

That particular guy was quite polite, though a little dopey, I thought, anyway. ( I'm not personally familiar with online dating sites, but going by the TV ads, some are set up just for some nooki nooki anyway, so not so out of place for that guy, maybe. )

You just don't know who's out there, especially on those dating sites.

And it is possible to backtrack emails to their sending location sometimes, btw.

So, be careful what you say to who, I reckon, as a general rule.

Amy said...

It boggles my mind as to why these men are still single.

Lori @ RRSAHM said...

Paul, thanks for your concern. My email address is kept private, all communications are done securely through the site.

I'm not as naive as I may come across.

And if people send me idiotic, disrespectful messages online, I will call them whatever takes my fancy.

Yours sincerely,

Melissa said...

Good lord, I think I might have lost a few IQ points just READING those conversations.
And I have to give that last guy credit - he was still interested even though he thought your name was Douche. That's got to count for something, right? No?

Glen said...

Oh that was you? Well now I do feel silly :-)

I'm still up for it though Douche, just call me sumtime and I'll show how good everyone else was

paul in melbourne said...

You don't, or ever have, come across as naive.

Responding angrily to basically normal people is one thing. Responding angrily to 'not-normal' people is another ballpark of experiences.

You DO have, though it be low comparatively, a developing media profile. So I'm just reiterating common media practice. Your call, of course, obviously.

( Are you being 'emphatic / terse' in your response with the bold font ? or is that how you reply to posts regardless ? )

Lori @ RRSAHM said...

Hey Paul,
No terse here- this is just the way I respond to comments, for people who may be scanning the comment thread ;)
As always, your opinion is very much valued. Please, though, be reassured- I;m a big girl, used to keeping myself safe online and elsewhere.
Lori x

paul in melbourne said...

Good save.

Kelloggsville said...

I think some blokes just have no bloody idea and think that because they would be like a bull at a gate if a women said it to them then they think a woman would be pleased to hear it too. My husband rarely gets the right words but he's ok really. These guys you're dealing with though are bizarre. Surely finding a prostitute would be less hassle. They have Obviously have too much time and not enough money!! Steer clear lol

Shelley said...

I had a good laugh about the Douche guy! Sounds like things are getting interesting to say the least!

Anonymous said...

Hi Lori,

Loved your post - made me giggle! I can empathise as I am treading the internet dating path myself - it certainly is eye opening.

Douche... bet I can guess your surname - is it "Bag"? Oh god, you've got to laugh... and it makes for excellent stories and blog posts!

Have fun and I will look forward to more stories like this (sorry, but from experience I think there will be more!)


Anonymous said...

p.s. unfortunately many of them will be creepy old men with handlebar moustaches... don't know why internet dating sites seem to attract them en masse!! :P


Julie said...

LOLOLOL! you crack me up lori.

Vicky said...

I am laughing so hard I'm in tears reading the exchange where he thought your name was Douche!! Unbelievable but unfortunately there are more idiots in the world than we probably would like to believe. Love your blog and I am always thinking good thoughts about you and your sweet kids!

Emma said...

Lol!!! So glad to read it isn't just internet dating in the UK that is dire :-)

Sarah Mac said...

Oh god Lori, been there, done that, got some outragous messeges!

What you may not be aware of is that sometimes you get linked to lots of other sites.

I got a message from a 19 year old because I was, without my knowledge, being featured on a Toy Boy site (I'm 45!!!) - I sent a message back saying 'Paul, I have a CAT older than you'

Just ignore the knobish ones and if possible go for the fee paying ones that way there is more likelihood of the men taking it seriously.

Good luck :)

The Mother Freakin' Princess said...

Good luck with the dating!

Jane said...

HAHA. Oh my god. Douche. What a douche. xxx

Amy xxoo said...

Sorry Lori but as a lady who used dating sites and found a quite nice, lovely, handsome, sexilicious, funny guy ( that i am 23 days away from marrying! ) - that cracked me up! It amzed me aswell how many stupid idiots there are that think women are going to be all " Hell yea! I'm free now - wana come round? "....
Wankers. ( probably quite literally. Wankers )

Rhonda said...

wowza! at least now i know that the douchebagedness is not limited to the states. at least they're giving you good blog fodder. and "paul" is probably just upset that you turned him down and possibly disappointed that your real name is Lori.

Anonymous said...

WOW - unfortunately internet dating can be like that though. When I was single 4 years ago, 70% of men on there ended up being douche-bags, liars or sweet but weird. But at the very least it made for some interesting stories as per yours above. One of the weirder ones was a guy who claimed to be 6ft, but was at least 3 inches shorter than me (I am 5ft 10) and whose photo must have been from 10 yrs prior and heavily photoshopped. Seemed normal by email and phone, but odd in person.

But I must say hang in there, I also met 2 potentials that just didn't work out due to timing and differing goals - and I also met a really close friend. It's not all bad, but there are some weirdos as per your above.

I don't understand why guys who just want a booty call, don't just use Adult Match Maker though???!!! The mind boggles.

Anonymous said...

WOW - unfortunately internet dating can be like that though. When I was single 4 years ago, 70% of men on there ended up being douche-bags, liars or sweet but weird. But at the very least it made for some interesting stories as per yours above. One of the weirder ones was a guy who claimed to be 6ft, but was at least 3 inches shorter than me (I am 5ft 10) and whose photo must have been from 10 yrs prior and heavily photoshopped. Seemed normal by email and phone, but odd in person.

But I must say hang in there, I also met 2 potentials that just didn't work out due to timing and differing goals - and I also met a really close friend. It's not all bad, but there are some weirdos as per your above.

I don't understand why guys who just want a booty call, don't just use Adult Match Maker though???!!! The mind boggles.

Vicky said...

oh its fun isn't it?

I think I've said the biggest thing I got out of the experience was "my groove back"... by that I mean my self confidence, and refound my authentic self.

it wasn't 'til I was deleting my profile that I actually met someone worth meeting... and 8 months on are still meeting :)

like all things everywhere, and in everything there is good, bad, and indifferent.

Good luck, have fun, enjoy yourself, and re-discover who Lori is. x

Miss Pink said...

So I totally laughed. Seriously? SERIOUSLY? I agree, is there really someone that would be like "Oh man that just made me so horny"
I am guessing no.
I was even saying this to Holly the other week when some loser lent out his car to whistle at me. Uhhh dude, not gunna work. You could have at least pulled over and offered me a lift fuckface.
I'm glad you're telling those idiots off, because maybe that's what they need. A pointer as to what the fuck they're doing wrong. Let's hope it's stupidity on their part and not because they're gross sleeze bags.

whatsinemmasbrain said...

Dear Douche,

You can cum to my house any day.
I was going to ask u b4 but I have to wait for mi mum to go out, so it can sometimes be hard. She doznt approve of me dating, She keeps going on about getting a job and my masturbation addiction or something.. Like I keep telling her, I'm 42 an I'll do what I want.
Anyways Hit me back just to chat
(or for a root, whatevz)

Emma xx


Anonymous said...

Hey Paul!
Back off from Lori! From the way your so defensive about the douche-guy... It was probably you. And from my angle, the comment about how you can trace back an email and such... Sounds like a stalking threat...

And anyway, Lori is a big girl. Look at what she's dealt with this year alone. Pretty sure she can handle herself out in the Internet world.

Get over yourself and stop geek-talking to talk yourself up. No one cares what you think anyway. I'm the one who gets special mention... So shove it up your arse, ya douche.
That's right. Douche. It's actually said a lot more than you think. If your head wasn't so far up your own arse, you might know that.

Get off Lori's back.

Anon man #2

Kimberley said...

Ha! Douche indeed. What a complete time waster!

MummyK said...

Omg I didn't know you changed your name to Douche!

Sarah said...

I was a newly single mum with a tiny bub when I went on RSVP...some dude kept telling me Id look great in a bikini and that he loved tatts...its like people just cast a wide net and see who they get in guy met me for a drink only to tell me he had spent the last 3 months in a psych hospital because of his poor relationship with his ex-wife (I have no issues with mental health - but seriously finish one relationship before you start another!!)...and the cracker was a guy who, over coffee, looked at his hands and complained his nails were too long...when I suggested he cut them (duh) he said his ex wife got the clippers in the split...I had all of my friends ready and waiting after each date so we could piss ourselves laughing - its an odd, odd world!

Sophie said...

For some reason I KNEW it was Jay... lol.

There are so many turds out there... :( I really hope you find someone spesh. Rather than a dating site, is there some kind of bereavement site where you could connect with other people you could relate to? There must be plenty of wonderful men out there in exactly the same position as you. I hope you find one.


Jane said...

seriously pissing myself laughing!!!!
so I have been down this track
SOOOOOO funny to see it from the outside.
much love, Jane

A Daft Scots Lass said...

Yeah another Dooche reeking of Plonker.

deardarl said...

Bwahaha - I love you Lori - best laugh all day!
...and I am stealing your pat response if I ever do encounter such an idiot!

marketingtomilk said...

Sadly, it's the law of averages, men's favourite game.


sharon@ Hear Mum Roar said...

Mmm... your name is Douche? That's nice, it's different, it's unusual. Is that French? Mmmm... Yes, I quite like that.


Anonymous said...

Christ almighty thats so damn funny, tell me you are only internet dating for the laughs. Have you met anyone who has found anyone half decent on the internet??

Anonymous said...

What a laugh, just confirmed what I already thought people in Canberra are WEIRD, but most would have to get their heads out of their arses before commencing the 'activity'. But really my husbands mate who is really nice and gorgeous met his skanky spouse through a newspaper ad, seems he is just really shy and didn't want to go thru the hassle of going out picking up etc; so keep heart there are some nice ones out there probably.... but I wouldn't be lookin in Canberra.....

Leahkf said...

Unfortunately whether you use internet dating, go to pubs and clubs or singles nights, you will always have contact with morons.

It's annoying, time wasting and so damn disrespectful! I tried internet dating and was very particular about what I put in profile to hopefully weed out the morons. But I would still get contact from them, however I just ignored them.

On a wonderful note I met my lovely man through the internet and he truly is a gem. After many emails and photo's (he is way better looking in real life) we met up as friends, and would go out on date nights where nothing happened for a few months. It was such a relief really. Then finally we became romantic and it hasn't ended. We've been together over 5 years now and have a 2 year old son. He has helped (and still helping me) through losing my sister to suicide and so many other hard times.

I have two friends who are very happily married to wonderful men from the net. Sooooo they are out there, it takes a whole lot of dross to find them.

Good luck and try and enjoy laughing at the dross.

Anonymous said...

I think your Mr Anon no 2 may be someone you already know ...

Shellye said...

Oh Lori, this is why I am not really in favor of internet dating. Those messages are disgusting and demeaning! I wonder if chaps like that are able to obtain any sort of dates? Maybe from a completely daft tart, if any...

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