Thursday, October 20, 2011

Internet Dating 105- Just A Tiny Bit of Heartache

This post is another chronic case of me over-sharing. Because this is what I do. It doesn't bother me, but I know it makes other people uncomfortable. You have the right to look away.

We'll address the whole "what on earth will my children think of their mother question" another day.

And... this all happened a week or so back now. Apart from the stinging shame of shoulda-known-better, I'm over it. For that reason, comments are on... but please don't be too sympathetic, it just may make me cry.

No names have been used, but if they were, they would have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.


I told you it was dangerous.

We want to know what happened, right?

I don't think I can tell you, even though I speak of everything here. Only because it feels dripped with shame and stupidity.

So I'll allow you to form the picture for yourselves.

A good looking man, who I described before. So obviously used to women who fall all over themselves for him.

A very vulnerable woman, who forgets her own vulnerability and pretends she's strong enough to play with fire without getting burnt.

Without pushing splinters of bone into the already bleeding, raw crevices in her heart.

He gets in her head. She's stupid. He's arrogant.

She thinks she's too old, too smart, to cynical to be played.


"I'm not the kind of girl who f*cks on first dates."

It says that on my profile.

"I'm not the type of girl who fucks on second dates, either."

"Obviously... maybe I'm not the kind of guy who bothers to wait for a third date."

Played. All my instincts are telling me I am being played, and he will not call again... I don't listen. I go ahead and do what every other girl does in his presence, what I said I wouldn't... submit.

And I try to pretend I don't care, when I don't hear from him.

I'm lieing to myself. I do.

Just a tiny bit of heartache, to poison the experience, to remind me- as if I needed it, ever- that this isn't a game. This is life.

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Sarah said...

Awwwww babe *hug*

Lynda Halliger-Otvos said...

Lori, vulnerability lasts a long time after a trauma. Please take care of yourself and your kids too.

Sassy said...

I'm that girl too. I told a guy explicitly I'm not that other kind of girl. I thought he understood. He seduced me. I succumbed. That's where it ended. F*cking guys, right?

Anonymous said...

Lori - I've never responded to your blog before, been lurking. But here we are...

I remember reading that you were not good enough for some guy (maybe this one?). Your w**ker alert sounded and you didn't listen... punishing yourself much? Maybe you read all those comments about you being worth it, maybe you smiled a little, but didn't really agree, right? And then you let that voice be right by letting a w*nker play you.

Internet dating takes practice - I met my husband there but also some toads too. Hope the sting goes soon - and someone better emails asap.

Eccles said...

Lori - if nothing else, I hope you enjoyed yourself, you know... scratched the itch! He got what he wanted. More importantly, I hope you got what you needed. Some physical contact from a man, with manly smells & warm skin. Be gentle on yourself. Take care honey (X)

Toni said...

I want to say what Eccles said-- be kind to yourself, chick.
We all have moments where hope kicks logic out the door.
You're human.

Shelley said...

Don't beat yourself up over it. Its done and you can't go back and change whats happened and you probably wouldnt want to anyway. My only advice would be try and protect your your heart, your feelings as you are in a vulnerable situation. Take care xx

Suz @ Segovia and The I Love You Song said...

just love from me honey xxx

Amy xxoo said...

He's an arsehole and you fell for it.
Which sucks, but its happened now, hopefully no ( or little ) harm doen. Hell, its happened to the best of us, so have a cry or whatever you need to do, then chin up and move on girlfriend!

Simonee said...

turn the tables, refuse to feel done by him...walk on and consider it a lesson learnt. cheap at half the price for the tale it tells. xx my late dad would have told you this and they are pearls of wisdom,,, i can tell you for free what you will pay money to learn... but you wont go ahead pay the money.

Simonee said...
This post has been removed by the author.
handmaidofpeace said...

Ah well, now to cross that mistake of your list and on to the business of finding a more genuine person to care for you.

And "what on earth will my children think of their mother" if they ever read this? Probably something like, 'Ew! Mum blogged about her having sex again.' :p


A Daft Scots Lass said...

You have to wade through the frogs to get to The Prince.

Canadian in Glasgow said...

HUG....and flip it used HIM to scratch an itch...because honestly? If that's all he sees himself as good enough for...he's probably right. You can scratch and search at the same time.

I can't say it (that perfect fit thing) WILL happen down the road...but if it does? The bumps (aka ass-hats aka douche-canoes aka swamp donkeys)along the road are worth the little bit of crap you had to wade through.

marketingtomilk said...

you're experiencing life in all its wonder and in all its crapness. (is that a word,- spellcheck doesn't think so). At least you are living it and not hiding away. That counts for a lot.


Miss Pink said...

Totally done that before. Broken my own rules when i knew i shouldn't have.
I have nothing but lots and lots of hugs for you and a really stiff drink (I know you don't drink, shhhh)

Vicky said...

been there done that. mark it up to experience... Which I know right now is a lot easier said then done.

As other's have said, spin it round - you got an itch scratched. Don't be hard on yourself - your human not a god damn saint!

some of the things that I have done since I split from my husband... well that would be a conversation over a couple bottle of wine I think.

be kind to yourself Lori. x

Melissa said...

I think sometimes our heart and our body over power our common sense.
You are NOT the only woman who's shaken her head the next day (or the next week or the next year) and thought "Seriously, self?! We knew better than that."
Of COURSE you care that you didn't hear from him - you are a kind, thoughtful, grown up. Not a jump-from-bed-to-bed-douche-bag-floozy like this guy obviously is.
Try again, try again. Mr. Nice Guy is out there :)

River said...

I hate arrogant men like that. I dump them quick smart. No sex for you buddy! And no shame for me. I refuse to be used.

andreaunplugged said...

I don't have anything else to say that the lovely commenters before me haven't already said. But I hope the sting goes away quickly. Don't beat yourself up too bad! You've got a lot of people on your side no matter what life throws your way now.

Teri said...

Hope it was at least good! Seriously, I let something like that go on for a LONG time. We all have our moments.

Chin up. Moving right along.

Emma said...

Oh hunny, we've all been there and done something stupid even when we know that we are being played!! I hope you had some fun though ;-) xx

Toots said...

So you were 'that' girl yesterday. So what? Be a different tomorrow. And then pretend to be another different girl the next day. And maybe be 'that' girl again the day after that. Who you are one day doesn't have to define who are are the next my love.

And never, ever forgetthe most important rule of the entire universe ever everywhere:

Some men are just wankers. Doesn't mean they're not damn fine wankers. ;)

And if our children knew half the things we do behind closed doors.... Mums are humans too!

Much love

Kelloggsville said...

I'm with Eccles..take a bit of positive away from it. At least he thought you were worth it. I bet even a wanker like that doesn't sleep with everything that moves which makes you a fuckable chick...score 1 to Lori :)

Andrea said...

Who needs wankers anyway.

Anonymous said...

One word Karma... one day he will get his,

....and he will get it sooner if you give me his name.....

chin up love don't let one tic tac penis get you down.....

ps: how big was it anyway, tiny I bet...

Suze said...

He's a shit who doesn't deserve any more of your time. The end.

Anonymous said...

If that's the worst that happens to you - well, no-one needs to know. Oh, that's right you just posted it. Dammit!!
But hey, I think you just made a whole lot of us feel better about our own dumb moves.
Seriously, sweetie - What do you really love doing? Go back and find it and show your kids your real passion. Put the frog sorting on a back burner for a while.
Mrs. C

Rachel said...

So somewhere between the bizarro-freakshow-so-bad-it
s-funny-but-makes-good-blog-material first date and the delicious-but-dangerous-licking-honey-from-a-razor's-edge first date there's this guy. He is probably not the most good looking guy in the world, or the richest, or the best dancer, or the snappiest dresser. But you'll recognise him. He'll be the one whose number you have already dialled when say for example the pilot light goes out on your hot water heater and you need a hot shower. He'll be the one drinking crappy red wiine and eating pizza and laughing at trashy TV with you in tracky pants on a Saturday night when internet date #475 is a no show. He'll be, oh I don't know, picking you up from the airport? Racing to your house to kill a spider and break into youir bathroom for you in the middle of the night with no questions asked. Just to pull a couple of random examples out of nowhere. Not that I am trying to suggest that maybe you already know a guy like that. Not at all. Just that say, hypothetically, maybe one day you thought you might be interested in a guy like that, he will probably still be around. Because he really is your best friend.
love always thepixiechick

pinktutu72 said...

Hey I'm new to your blog. I just wanted to say that some guys can be assholes thats for sure. Everyone makes mistakes so don't be too hard on yourself.

Shellye said...

Ah, the joys (and dangers) of internet dating.

Rule #1:
Gorgeous guys are usually players.

Repeat Rule #1 repeatedly. *lol*

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