Monday, October 17, 2011


"Put your arms around me, what you feel is what you are...
Oh, May.. you wanna get married, or just runaway?"
Slide, Goo Goo Dolls

It's being sick, it makes me miserable.

I think it makes everyone miserable, right?

But worse still with two small children to take care of, all alone.

I think I have the flu. My body aches, my head is heavy and shivery electric shocks run through me with every step I take.

And I slide.

I cry, and sob. I feel the loneliness, the pressure of it, tears burning the back of my eyes as I try not to let them fall in front of my little ones.

I am angry, so angry. And so jealous I could spit words at people. Because anything, even being sick like this, would have been OK, with my husband to take care of me, the four wrapped and toasty in our Purple House.

I am so sick of being strong, of keeping it all together. I want someone to wrap me up, and wipe away the tears. Treat my fever with a cool washcloth until it breaks. I want someone to laugh gently at me being overdramatic, to kiss me until it feels OK again.

I want someone to take care of me. I take care of my little ones, all alone... I need someone to take care of me.


A few jellybeans have quietly pointed out- especially after the glaringly obvious typo in the heading of my last post- that I consistently spell both 'lieing' and 'dieing' incorrectly.

I know, it's OK. My spellcheck is working, I've just taken to ignoring the squiggly red lines under those too.

Why? Not entirely sure. I just know it looks better, to me, that way. Maybe becuase you don't spell it 'ly' or 'dy', so 'lying' and 'dying' look wrong.

Whatever. I can only imagine it must be irritating. Not fussed. Strange things, they happen on this blog all the time.


The universe is fucking with me.

I can feel it.

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Jess@Diary of a SAHM said...

Sorry you feel crappy Lori.

Hope you feel better soon. Xxx

mouse said...

Yes, The Universe has certainly dealt you a tremendous blow. No doubt about it. More than anyone should ever have to deal with. I am still shocked, and stunned, at the enormity of it for you. The sheer magnitude of it all occupies my mind, much of the time. The total inversion of your existence, from happy purple to overwhelming stress, grief and challenge, is more than I can imagine ever dealing with. I dont know how I would ever have the strength. Though I know you think the same, and only manage because you have to.

You are someone of great resource and spirit, and have responded with courage and guts. I am in so sad at what you have had to deal with.
I am constantly aware of the tremendous unfairness, that I can sit on the outside, and look in, as a spectator, at what you are going through, just by reading a blog on the net. While I have no such stresses of a similar scale, that is your reality, and you are forced to deal with it all. The unfairness just makes me feel overwhelming gratitude and humility, and a frustration at the inability to make any changes for you.

Life is cyclical, and moods are too. The natural way of our existence is to have ups and downs. And when you are sick, or challenged and stressed in any way, then the downs hit, and they can be cruel, and tough, and make it so hard for you. Your flu will affect your perception of everything, and bad things will look worse, for a while, until you're well again, and the outlook brightens.

For a long time now, I've wished to be able to just 'make the pain all go away' for you. I feel, like a palpable intangible thing, the futility of these words, measured against the depth of your realities.

Take disprin and panadol, cocoa and sleep, good music and phone calls with trusted friends, and eat chocolate. Treat your soul kindly, during this trough, but know that it will pass, and that things will look brighter in a few days' time. I'm not religious, but I ask of the Universe to treat you kindly, and to nurture you a bit.

Crystal Goulding said...

I feel your pain and all I can do is say i hear you, and you are not alone. You have every person in blog land sending you a massive hug! :)

Anonymous said...

Oh Lori, it's not just the flu. It's your broken heart.
You sound so desperately sad and unwell.
I know if we could we would all be there in a moment to wrap you in cotton wool and make the pain go away.
I hate having to be so practical when nothing is working for you, but please take something for the fever to stop something worse happening. Panadol, Panadeine, Nurofen anything. It will be OK!
Bad Tony.
Loving Tony.
Poor Lori. (((())))
Mrs. C

Miss Pink said...

Stupid fucking universe.

Melissa said...

So sorry you're sick Lori.
I hope you're feeling better quickly.
You are so right, that having to handle everything by yourself totally sucks and is so unfair.
All you can do is hold on. Breathe. Ask for help from those you know won't make you feel worse.
And know that so many of us out here in the blog-o-sphere are pulling for you, sending love.

Amy xxoo said...

Firstly - you arent being over-dramatic.... the flu is a bitch.

Secondly - i commend you on your taste in music. The Goo Goo Dolls are one of my favourite artists and there album " Dizzy Up The Girl " ( which that song is on ) was my biggest comfort through high school.

Thirdly - this is just another wave you have to ride Lori. And we all know that up til now you've been incredibly strong in the face of some heavy stuff. Its still sink or swim though right? Methinks you're strong enough to stay afloat...

Just Me said...

I feel for's been almost 2 years since I lost my husband to suicide. No two cases are the same, but the pain is still there. I was widowed at the age of 34 with 2 children to take care of...not to mention everything else you take for granted.

I push myself every day to get up and get through the day for my kids. I know I need to be strong for them, but rarely does a day go by where I don't want to crawl into bed and just cry the rest of the day...and honestly at first I actually had days just like that.

Every day brings a new challenge for me as I'm sure it does for you. There is no grand advice I can offer. Just know, you are not alone...

Vicky said...

I've come to the conclusion of late that life is full of hills and valleys... the view from the hills are breathtaking, amazing, wonderful... the fucking valleys suck, especially when you're doing it on your own.

keep breathing in and out... There will be a hill with an amazing view soon... xxx

Vicky said...

I've come to the conclusion of late that life is full of hills and valleys... the view from the hills are breathtaking, amazing, wonderful... the fucking valleys suck, especially when you're doing it on your own.

keep breathing in and out... There will be a hill with an amazing view soon... xxx

Stranger Than Fiction aka Yeran said...

I wish I had something more constructive or helpful to say.. but I am thinking of you Lori

Shellye said...

Lori, I know exactly how you feel, wanting someone to take care of you. (My husband is hardly ever here between school, work, and doing the media at church and I have been sick for five weeks with walking pneumonia...)

I'm sorry you felt so bad and glad that in your more recent posts that you're on the mend. It's okay to whinge. Many of us are here, listening, reading, wishing we could do more...

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