Tuesday, November 1, 2011


I turn thirty years old today.


A year ago, at twenty nine... I had everything. I was so happy. And that's not even retrospect, grass-greener talk.. it is true, and I said it many times while Tony was alive.

I was happy. And I had everything I wanted. A husband, two kids, a dog and a little suburban life. Happy and quiet and normal, and I would have been satisfied to live in that Purple existence forever. The irony of it... I've never been one to ask for more, to whinge and bitch about what I had.

I was happy.

We had pans, Tony and I... I was going to be thirty. A weekend away for the first time since we had kids. A party with dress ups and cocktails.

I'm doing nothing much for my birthday. Some family round for dinner, and then I'll cry myself to sleep. A weekend without my children, but with no one to share it with, nowhere to go.

Happy Birthday Lori.


I wrote that so long ago.... and it's still true.

I'm still here, I'm breathing... just.

I still love chocolate, and the colour pink, and sunshine. I still believe in fairies and accidental magic. I still sing, badly, in the shower. I love flowers and cold weather makes me sad. I smoke too much, drink too much Coke and don't eat enough.

I'm a geek who likes tech stuff and speaks semi-fluent html. I'm a bit of a princess, but I don't mind getting my hands dirty. I'm a reformed perfectionist, a retired ghost hunter, an ex-clown, a tea drinker and a book worm who just bought a Kindle.

I speak sign language, I can juggle and touch my nose with my tongue. I like to laugh; The Simpsons and Kevin Smith make me giggle.

I used to be married to a man who loved me very much.

I'm a mum to two gorgeous kids.

When I was younger, I thought I was ugly. It took until I was seventeen years old to realise I am beautiful.

Once upon a time, I cut myself when things hurt too much, just to watch myself bleed. I don't do that anymore. I get tattoos and piercings and pash random men instead.

I'm a shy extrovert who needs to be loved.

I'm needy, broken, insecure and terrified.

I am little, but fierce.

I'm still Lori.

But I'm still not sure who that is.

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Me said...

Happy Birthday Lori ! While I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling, I hope that your family and friends spoil you and make your day special.

Take care !

Oscar's Mum said...

Happy Birthday Lori, I hope your friends and family make you feel very special today.

Spinkled said...

Hi Lori,
Happy Birthday!! I hope your day is as special as you are! I hope you told your gorgeous children its your birthday so that they can shower you with kisses and cuddles! Dont spend the weekend by yourself!! I'll be at the markets again this weekend on sunday if you are in town and feel like a coffee and some random banter from an old school mate stop by and I'll leave my sister at the stall :D
Have a wonderful day
Tamsin xo

Rachel said...

Happy Birthday Lori! What a year, it must feel very strange. This year the universe has served up to you a nightmare beyond imagining. And yet not only have you survived, you have walked through the fire with dignity, intelligence, class and your trademark cheeky fuck-you attitude. You have risen to every challenge, you have looked after your kids, you have bought a house, you have been honest in the face of shame and denial, your courage has inspired others, you have become a spokesperson for mental health and suicide prevention. You have not only continued blogging, you have won awards and been commissioned for paid articles and columns and started your career as a professional writer. It may be hard for you today to think of these things rather than what you have lost this year, so I just wanted to remind you. You are pretty fucking awe-inspiring. If life begins at thirty, look out world, Lori has arrived.
Love always thepixiechick

Steph(anie) said...

This post makes me very angry at Tony. I know that's not your intent.

Kelloggsville said...

30 was the year my first married ended and my wilderness began, an interesting journey and I now find a quite incredible 40 year old in me. Here you are already finding an incredible woman you could never have imagined existed before. You aren't even at half way yet with so much life to live still, on the edge of something good behind and so much greatness ahead. It's that bloody edge that's the hard bit. Lots of birthday love to you XXXX

Kimmie said...

Ditto what Rachel said so eloquently!

Happy Birthday darlin


Amy xxoo said...

These times they are a-changin' - and these times are a-changing you. And one day you'll wake up and go " This is me. This is who Lori is ". Might take a while, but it'll just be this light bulb moment.

And also - happy Dirty 30!

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday Lori!!! I hope the day (although it will hold sadness, too) holds many beautiful moments with your kids, your family and your friends. I hope you get spoiled, a lot, and I hope that you can feel the love that those surrounding you feel for you! I wish you all the best for this new year in your life and for all the years yet to come!

You are an awesome, beautiful (in- and outside!) and inspiring woman!

Lots of love,


Shelley said...

Happy Birthday Lori :) I can only imagine how you are feeling but i do hope you have happy moments as well Xx

Madam Bipolar said...

Happy Birthday, Lori.
Stephanie Tony had an illness. You cannot blame someone for a medical condition. I suggest you read a bit and learn something about mental illness. Your comment makes me so angry on Lori's birthday of all days. How insensitive!

Jane said...

Happy birthday, Lori. I hope you get at least a few precious happy moments today - you definitely deserve it. xxx

Mrs Woog said...

You know what? I cried when I turned 30. But on reflection, the 30's are the time you truly know yourself. I predict big things for you my darling, and big changes xx

Jen D said...

*Big Birthday Hug*

Mum on the Run said...

Happy 30th Lori.
Such a significant milestone and beautiful age.
I can only imagine that you are worlds away from the scenes you had envisioned when thinking about your 30th b'day over the last ten years.
I wish you weren't - as you do.
Know that you are inspiring and saving people at this point in your life.
You are nurturing and shaping the ones you hold dearest and you are an amazing, gorgeous woman.

pinktutu72 said...

Happy Birthday Lori :) I'm sorry for the hard times you've been going through and while I don't know you well. I know that you must be a strong person to go through all you have and still be sane. Don't stay alone all day on your birthday go do something for you. It's ok to cry yourself to sleep tears are cleansing I think.
Happy Halloween too :)
even though I think I'm late lol

Just Me said...

Happy Birthday Lori, the birthdays get easier as the years go by...speaking from experience. Take care. <3

Chantel said...

Happy Birthday Lori! Hope you are spoilt by your friends and family xx

Sharon @ Hear Mum Roar said...

Happy birthday feels like the wrong thing to wish. Although if you could have one, how great it'd be.

My wish for you is that you have many happy birthdays - one day, when you're ready

Miss Pink said...

Ok just before I read. The picture has me singing "I'm blue, i'm in need of a guy, i'm in need of a guy, i'm in need of a guy" and i'm giggling to myself because 30 seems to have turned you blue.
Ok off to read and leave you another comment, just cuz it makes your reader interaction look even better (like it needs to) :P

Jayne said...

Ah, the thirtieth birthday, a distant memory...

It really is unfair that your birthday won't be shared with Tony. My heart goes out to you.

I suspect that Lori will know just who she is soon enough.

Happy birthday, chook xx

Miss Pink said...

I never know when to push with you and when to back off. You're as confusing as me!
I would very much like to visit you this week. Would you be ok with that? We could do tomorrow or whenever you like. Just come, hang out, I will bring cake?
Don't read this and not get back to me. I am telling you GET BACK TO ME. I WANT to do this, I am too scared to ask, and worried that I may be pushy when you are like "eeek crazy stalker back the fuck off" but I would be honored if we could catch up. But let me know because we would have to zip on over after dropping Bluey at school and zip back in time for pick up.

Caroline said...

Happy birthday Lori. You are amazing, strong & gorgeous!

Anonymous said...

Happy 30th Birthday Lori!
I've never commented on your blog before today... Just had to take time to slow down and put life in perspective... You always get me thinking, you have gone through so much I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling. From a complete stranger I honestly think you are amazing. Totally amazing.. Who gives a flying fuck what other's think, keep doing what works for you and your gorgeous little fam.

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

Take care,

Sarah said...

Love love love you xxx

Natalie Murray said...

Happy birthday beautiful Lori. x

feryxlim said...

You're awesome that's why you are and if you are ever in Sydney we should do naughty things together like eating a whole slice of cheese and a whole slice of chocolate cake AND AND follow it with ice cream. Happy Happy Birthday!! xx

Grace said...

Happy Birthday, Lori ! Wishing you love, peace and happiness. Because my dear, if it's anyone who deserves all these things...it is you x

Anonymous said...

Lori, I'm a lurker here and found you through the SMH article. I read Yr blog all in one go and it was such powerful, raw, emotive writing that struck me to the core. You and I have almost nothing in common except that I too had something terrible happen tomme this year and have had to readjust my life accordingly. You are a strong, passionate woman who has much to celebrate. It might not be today but I know that you will mark today in your own special way. Stay strong and inspire me that through the despair there is also hope.xxx

handmaidofpeace said...

Happy Birthday, Lori!


A Daft Scots Lass said...

Wishing you a VERY happy Birthday!

MultipleMum said...

Happy birthday new Lori. May you have many years of happiness x

Kevin said...

Happy Birthday, Lori.

Glen said...

Happy birthday! If it helps I can confidently say you do not look 30 (cue for a gag if ever i saw one )


Livi said...

Happy Birthday

*hugs* I don't really know what else to say, but you're amazing

Cathy said...

Happy birthday, keep putting one foot in front of the other. You are an inspiration xxx

Anonymous said...

Happy birthday Lori, may it be filled with meaningful and healing reflection, music, cake, special people and wine.
Life is not about what achievements and successes you manage to chalk up, but how you respond to the challenges that the universe throws at you.
I think all here see how you've responded, and admire you for what you are, contradictions and all.
And a special note to Rachel, for her wonderfully eloquent words to you....wow.

- Mouse

Shellye said...

Happy Birthday, Lori!!! I'm sorry that thirty didn't turn out the way you had planned for it to turn out.

I drink too much Coke too.

I also have battle scars when the pain was too much.

You are beautiful and do have two gorgeous children!

Sorry I almost missed your birthday! (Atleast in the states. I know I miss it in Australia.)

Anonymous said...

Oh, Lori. I'm so sorry I missed the chance to say Happy Birthday to you on your day.
So instead I will say Happy Life Ahead, Young One. Bless your days instead of counting your years.
Mrs. C.

Bambi Kay said...

Happy Birthday, girl! Love and hugs to you!

Anonymous said...

Hi Lori,

I turn 30 in a couple of years and every year closer I get I think 'Oh, well that year was a learning curve' or 'Well last year made me stronger, let's see what this year's got in store'. I hope to goodness this is the last year you ever think such things! Think you are owed a 'Well that was an unexpectedly calm, peaceful and friendly year'.

I wish we the peoples of the internet could give you the gift you'd really want this year but instead I hope our admiration, inspiration and million crossed fingers will do. Roll on a year of peace in the TinyTrainHouse, with beautiful Bump and Chop and a birthday that arrives with a familiar sadness but a more manageable ache. You'll get there and we'll be cheering you on.

With love,

@yorkhannah x

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