Monthly Archives: May 2016

Putty Road

Putty Road

The Bus On Putty Road

by Lori Dwyer on April 5, 2013 · 3 comments

You might remember that just before Christmas, my mate Auntie Mickey and I went urban exploring on the Putty Road. One of the more amazing things we discovered was The Bus, and the many rumours that swirled around the life of the lady who lived there, all alone in the strangest place.

One of my awesome readers did some research on the Bus resident and owner. A huge thank you to Mark, who wrote this post.

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Mail for Desiree at the bus on Putty Road

Desiree was born in England in 1925. She lost the lower part of a leg in a motorbike accident when young. Sort of unusual for a lady in England back then. Emigrated to Australia in 1953. I think she was a nurse?
 
 She was on the electoral roll in 1963, but there is nothing after that. We don’t know what she did till the late 70′s or early 80′s when she turned up at Darkey Creek. She must have been in her sixties then. She guarded her place well. The Department of Motor Registry (DMR) workers used to know her back then, and she had some friends around the area who called in. That Austin 1800 car was hers- it was a real money pit. I would say it was burnt in one of the bushfires at some time.

 
Desiree's abandoned car on Putty Road

I have traveled the Putty Rd for 30 years or so and there was always a light on in the night, and smoke coming from her chimney. She was proud of her garden and kept the little area well. If you looked carefully, just about every square meter is laid with black drip feed pipe. She had a pump, generator, washing machine, etc; so she was set up OK.

 

She had her veggie-patch and some dogs. I have been through the Putty Road when that area was alight with fire on both sides of the road. She must have fought the bushfires single handed. The DMR or the council tried to evict her for many years and she handed them their arse on a platter every time; one smart lady. I met her briefly once and she was a cranky old lady. Not to talkative at all. 

 

When I stopped there the bus had been empty for some time. Why they tossed all her stuff out I don’t know. I think a man moved in there for a while but didn’t stay long. All the rubbish at the bus was from him as Desiree kept the place tidy. As I said, she had a lot to put up with. Truck drivers stopping to proposition her for sex. Hoons in cars firing guns over the bus at night. I know someone who called at the bus after she moved and found her diary. Her family back in the UK had been trying to trace her for a fair while. So he sent her diary over to them. I have been in touch with her niece.

 

When I called in the creek was dry with a stagnant pool, so it must have been tough for her sometimes. I found a damp folder amongst the stuff strewn around with x-rays from 2004 to 2008; she had some problems alright. I know in the end she stood out on the road for 3 hours with her thumb out in the hot sun trying to get a lift into town. How hard would that be for a frail 80 year-old?

 

Anyway, I would say she just got too ill and went into a nursing home. She was only in there for a short while till she passed away. I am going to go back to the bus soon, and if you just sit on her little cement seat for a while you can imagine how peaceful and nice it must have been. I think this sums her up nicely.

 

There is a lot to her obscure story and I am trying to find out about her life… one interesting lady.

 
The bus on Putty Road

{ 3 comments }

Off The Grid – RRSAHM

Off The Grid

by Lori Dwyer on September 15, 2011 · 14 comments

I’ve been off the grid for three days now. It feels like longer.

I have no mobile reception, except when I stand under the carport in front yard. I’ve made the decision to go against my grain and am now, for the first time in ten years, the proud owner of a land line home phone number.

It’s kind of like anti-progress. Or something.

The fore-mentioned home phone line is currently running 48 hours in being connected. They tell me my Internet is 3-4 business days behind that, but I’m not holding my breath. You may remember when I moved last time and spent 4 long, lonely, net-less weeks waiting for my wifi.

I’ve become one of those people who go to Macca’s, buy a Coke and then sit and use their turtle-speed free wifi connection. Alternatively- I’m not sure which is worse- I’ll become one of those people who bombard my tech-savvy friends houses and force them to mind my kids for an hour while I get my web fix.

In all honesty, it’s not bothering me as much as imagined. No text, no phone calls, no Twitter, no FaceBook, no email. The only thing I’m desperately missing is my blog, which is why I’m punching out this post in Word.

Apart from my blog, the silence is not as deafening as I perceived. It’s been a refreshing reset, a little bit of space with no nagging emails to answer, to blog posts to write, to text messages to respond to. Kind of like a mental holiday.

I got so into the off-the-gird concept yesterday that we actually went timeless for 24 hours. I’ve been having the unique problem with my iPhone where every time I sync it, it resets the time forward by 15 hours. After synced it on Tuesday, I forgot to check and reset the time. And decided I wasn’t going to let it bother me.

My phone is the only clock I have. And that was OK. I could have, if I needed to, booted up the computer and reset the time. But I decided that we were on no schedule, and I really didn’t need to.
So we spent Thursday night and Wednesday with no idea of what the time was, except when PlaySchool came on at 4:30pm. I ended up resetting my clock late tonight- Wednesday- when I finally finished unpacking and turned on the computer.

Yep, I said ‘finished unpacking’. I know. Three days into our new house in the Tiny Train Town, and we are settled in, a place for everything and everything in its place, right down to those family portraits and happy snaps that are back up on the walls.

Pictures of our lovely, tiny, crooked new house to follow. Very soon, hopefully. Just as soon as my Internet connection is up.

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Office Phone Systems September 17, 2011 at 6:04 pm

"Unpacked??? That's awesome! I moved in February and I'm still living with boxes :(" Your busy I guess.

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Shellye September 17, 2011 at 5:33 am

How awesome is that? Already being settled in? That's unheard of! Congrats to you, Lori! Can't wait to see the pictures!

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Crystal Goulding September 16, 2011 at 1:04 pm

Wow all unpacked already? Thats lightning speed!! Just want to thank you for your video on the RUOK? site, you have encouraged me to tell my story as i'm sure you have to many others! Such an important issue I dedicated my day to harrasssing Facebook friends and making sure they were all OK! I aim to continue to ask more regulalry now too! Hope you are OK xx

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Oscar’s Mum September 16, 2011 at 8:08 am

Sounds like the move went well and you're settling in. Great article on Essential Baby Lori.

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Melissa September 15, 2011 at 11:32 pm

Unpacked??? That's awesome! I moved in February and I'm still living with boxes :(

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Crystal September 16, 2011 at 7:41 am

I do that sometimes – just unplug for a day. It's awesome! I can't wait to see the pics of the new house – it sounds like you've made yourselves at home already! :-)

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Melissa September 15, 2011 at 8:09 pm

So glad you are getting settled – can't wait to see the pictures. Will cross my fingers for fast internet for you :) Perhaps you could email via smoke signals? Carrier pigeons?

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Miss Cinders September 15, 2011 at 6:22 pm

OMG Lori! You have got to come unpack for me! 9 months and I am STILL not unpacked fully!!

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Lady Koukou September 15, 2011 at 2:06 pm

you are unpacked after 3 days? wow I still have crap in boxes after 3 years. Enjoy the mental break – sometimes they are the best ones x

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Steph(anie) September 15, 2011 at 1:49 pm

I can't wait to see it. Thank you for giving us our fix of RRSAHM.

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Miss Pink September 15, 2011 at 1:14 pm

I turned my phone off and kept all social networks closed (I believe I did take a couple of peeks into people's blogs) on Saturday and it was lovely. The kids were at my parents so I was really just "doing nothing" as opposed to easily being distracted by them.
It's nice to be able to just stop for a bit. The time thing sounds like a fun idea (I'd have to do it on a weekend, because I sorta need to get Bluey to and from school which is a tad time sensitive, lol.)

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Hespera’s Garden September 15, 2011 at 11:47 am

Don't forget your local library… free wifi there generally too ;)

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kelly@tearinguphouses September 15, 2011 at 11:29 am

i love going off the grid like that now and again. refreshing.

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Good Golly Miss Holly! September 15, 2011 at 11:45 am

So glad to hear you're settling in, my love! Enjoy being off the grid, we miss you x

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Welcome To My Head. – RRSAHM

Welcome To My Head.

by Lori Dwyer on April 30, 2011 · 29 comments

I wish I could articulate, properly, what’s it’s like to be inside my head right now.

Most days…. I do OK. Just OK. I enjoy little things. I think a lot. I listen to music.

I mourn.

Other days…

It’s like my mind is trying to put on a hat, and my head is just too big for it.

I was so used to life, as it was….

Tony and I, we were one of those couples- I’m sure there’s plenty of you- for whom divorce just wasn’t a real option. We were in it together, through everything. We adored being married.

I loved my plain, simple, gold band wedding ring. And it hurts me not to wear it.. but the presence of it, it sears my finger, and I find myself playing with it, reminding myself without meaning too.

Do you remember, when you were little, and you lost a tooth… pushing your tongue into the soft hole that was left, hurting but feeling strangley good, because it’s a sensation you’ve never felt before?

Welcome to my head. When I think about my husband. It makes me deliriously happy, to remember the Before, the perfect little family we had…. but it’s just damn sad, it takes my breath away.

Imagine the cornerstone of your life, the thing you depend upon and plan around.. suddenly it’s gone, with no warning.

And every time you picture the rest of your life, you have to remind yourself.

That what was- a normal, surbanan, boring existence… growing old with my husband, watching the hair sprout out his ears as his hairline recedes… cuddling up with him, through forty more winters…

All that, it’s gone. And some days, days like today, all I can see in the future in a wasteland- raising my children, alone. Being the Women Who Drove Her Husband To Suicide.

Knowing that once-and not that long ago- I had everything I wanted. A man who loved me, and who I adored. A pigeon pair of perfect children.

I’d love to spend just one minute, back in my old life. In my head, the way it used to be.

As the women with the perfect life, the perfect husband. The woman who didn’t know what it felt like to lose someone, who had no real concept of death.

Some days- days like today- it feels like she was a much nicer person. Nicer, sweeter, far less jaded.

Not as strong. But I’d trade the strength, for the ignorance-is-bliss. In a heartbeat.

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theKatieKitten May 7, 2011 at 3:12 am

Honey, my partner has been really sick with Man-flu, and I can't even drive him to the doctors. You did not drive Tony any where. You just plain could not have.

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I Love Bimby May 3, 2011 at 7:39 pm

Please let go of the belief that you drove Tony to this. In the end he is responsible for his own actions.

My ex husband used to blame me for making his life miserable too, but the truth was, that he was not happy in his own skin. We can only take responsibility for ourselves. Everyone elses actions are their responsibility.

So please next time your at the beach make a little paper boat, put that belief in there and watch the ocean wash it away forever. xx

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starnes family May 3, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Thinking about you and hoping for better days ahead.

xo, Casey from http://www.thestarnesfam.com

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Janet May 3, 2011 at 1:11 am

I found your blog right after this happened to you. I was reading your blog thinking how horrible this must be for someone to live through. I made my husband read your post because this was the most awful story I had heard from a real live person in a long time. I felt like I was hearing it firsthand. I couldn't stop reading. I hurt so bad for you and now my family is on the other side with you.
My sisters husband was killed in the line of duty in March and I wonder if I found your blog because my family was about to go through terrible heartache that we could never imagine. I read your blog now for insight into the grief my sister must be feeling. I have my own grief for my brother in law but what she is going through is unimaginable. She is surviving for her small children, but I am sure she wants nothing more than to lay in bed and cry.

I have thanked you in the past for writing so honestly but I am thanking you again. You did not cause this and the pain will never go away but will instead become bearable.

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Trik82 May 2, 2011 at 10:42 pm

Can't find the words like you can Lori… just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and sending you and the kiddies love xox

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Sarah May 2, 2011 at 6:14 pm

Lori, I always feel really inarticulate after I read your most beautiful posts. This one was so sad for me to read, such sadness and unfairness, but you write it so beautifully. I agree with Melissa – you are the woman who survived, who is surviving, this awful thing. You're doing amazing xx

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Sophie May 2, 2011 at 1:16 pm

It is normal for you to feel guilt, to blame yourself, to feel you drove him to it. But you didn't, this is not something anyone could have forseen, or anyone is responsible for.

Long after my loss I came to the conclusion that there is no reason and no karma (karma can kiss my ass). Bad shit happens to good people and its grossly, hugely unfair… because we're all taught from an early age that this kind of shit happens to 'other people'. Once you're on the other side of that fence, it's just so mindlblowingly, soul crushingly awful.

xx

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Brenda May 2, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Big hugs Lori.xxxx

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Jodie at Mummy Mayhem May 2, 2011 at 12:35 pm

Hon, you most definitely did not make this happen. Couples argue all the time and this stuff doesn't happen. Tony was not well.

Hang in there. xxx

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Melissa May 2, 2011 at 8:05 am

You didn't drive your man anywhere. You are The Woman Who Survived A Horrible, Tragic, Loss. You are The Woman Who Pulled It Together For Her Kids. You are you, just older, wiser, different – but still you.
Hang in.
xxx

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bloodsigns May 1, 2011 at 10:53 pm

I just wanted to tell you that I was reading — here across the ocean — I hate the thought of you not knowing just how many people are holding you in their hearts.

Pam

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themodernparent May 1, 2011 at 5:53 pm

Whilst a loss of a different kind, when we lost our daughter there were so many emotions that take you to all sorts of places..sometimes happy, sometimes weird, but most often downright sad. And I too once wrote about the strength people talked about, and how they could never have coped if it happened to them…but as you know you really have no choice, and I too would gladly have traded that strength to once again hold my daughter. But if it means anything…all that stuff in your head….its all pretty normal x

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Andrea May 1, 2011 at 4:38 pm

What michael said.

xo

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Stylish Mummy May 1, 2011 at 4:01 pm

Aww honey.. you DID NOT drive Tony to do what he did.
Everything will take time to get over and fade… you need to give yourself time to do that, as hard as it is :S

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Glowless @ Where’s My Glow May 1, 2011 at 3:51 pm

xoxoxo

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boomerang jane May 1, 2011 at 3:42 pm

"forty more winters" what bittersweet words. Yet inspiring words. I hope I am lucky enough to enjoy a meager 40 more winters or 40 more summers. Thank you for reminding me what's important. I know you will soon look forward to having 40 more winters to enjoy with your children – without the sorrow you now feel in your heart.

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River May 1, 2011 at 2:38 pm

You are just as strong as before Lori, it's a different kind of strength now, that's all. And you didn't drive Tony, you really didn't. Living and loving does not cause suicide.

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phonakins May 1, 2011 at 1:03 pm

x

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Veronica May 1, 2011 at 10:44 am

Love. xx

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Sarah May 1, 2011 at 8:19 am

That sweet, nice woman is still there, I've seen her in person & I can see her here still, in this space. She just needs time to come back after everything she's been through. She will be back but with the added bonus of strength & wisdom.

And as hard as it is, please please try not to blame yourself. You did not do this.

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Diminishing Lucy May 1, 2011 at 8:08 am

You didn't make this happen Lori. It just did.
xx

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Michael May 1, 2011 at 7:31 am

You didn't drive him. The disease did.

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Darker Side of Pink May 1, 2011 at 6:44 am

I definitely understand the wish to go back, even for just a moment of bliss. You lose someone, but you expected to have more time. The explaination that I recieved was that pain, suffering, is to be human. We all must experience it at some point because nothing in this life is permanent. It makes life sweeter and harder at the same time. It is ridiculously unfair. But we live for those good moments, even if there are bad ones, because they too are not permanent.

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A Daft Scots Lass May 1, 2011 at 1:00 am

Strength will get you through this. Do things that make YOU happy.

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Mel May 1, 2011 at 12:45 am

Your grief is so different to mine, but I know those feelings.
It's like even though only one thing in your life has changed, you've got to learn to live it all over again.
Keep at it Lori.
x

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Hear Mum Roar May 1, 2011 at 12:01 am

I just have to hope that things get easier for you soon ((HUGS))

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Squiggly Rainbow April 30, 2011 at 10:41 pm

Ignorance surely is bliss, pain is hard. My heart aches tonight for different reasons. I think of you often. I would love to be outside my head many times too – I like La La Land.

Rach xx

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Salamander April 30, 2011 at 10:37 pm

Oh honey. Love, as always. What else can I send? Nothing that would give you your Before back. There's thousands of us who would do anything to get your Before back, I think. Xxxxx

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freefalling May 1, 2011 at 7:02 am

Why do you keep saying you drove Tony to suicide?
You know you can't drive someone to suicide, right?
Take that out of your head or it will fester into a great big ugly sore.

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But All That Can Be Fixed. – RRSAHM

But All That Can Be Fixed.

by Lori Dwyer on January 24, 2013 · 7 comments

It was a big, flaming disaster. Children ran screaming through the streets, poets composed tragic death sonnets, and the sky bled the tears of a thousand angels.
Also, stress makes me a little melodramatic.
Jen The Epbot. On her own WP switch. Reasons she’s awesome, number 642. Stole her image, too.

angry cat
***

While I’ve gotten significantly better at being out of my comfort zone… I’m really only good at it when I know I have a comfort zone to go back to.

Which kind of defies the point.

But when a computer screen has been your salvation for two years now… changing the formula behind that salvation can most definitely mess with your head.

It has certainly messed with mine.

If you come here often, you may have noticed things changing ever so slightly over the last few days. And not just the car, the cat or my ridiculous string of bad luck and heartache.

For my fellow bloggers and tech–heads– I’ve swapped, finally, from Blogger to my own big girl, grown up, self hosted WordPress site.

For normal people– I’ve moved 850 blog posts, nine pages and 12,000 comments from one place to another, specifically so the Google God can’t just up and eat it all on a whim

And oh my lord, somebody hold me while I lose my sh*t.

The comments were having some kind of personality crisis. The mobile site was popping up broken links everywhere. Images don’t do what they’re told. Firefox decided that it simply didn’t like my blog anymore, but only from my own computer.

And, much as I hate to admit it– most of that is entirely my fault. Starting and staying on Blogger, patch-working things together as you learn… all that makes for disgustingly little synchronicity when attempting to move everything from one place to another.

But… all that can be fixed.

And it is being fixed. Bit by slow, anxiety–causing bit. A lot of it by very fabulous people like The Bear and his 24 hour WordPress tech support, FaerieSaerie and The Most Awesome Man In The Universe.

While I just kind of… keep writing. And mentally put my hands over my over ears and hum Ke$ha songs to myself.

So please stick with me on this one, jellybeans. New header coming soon (really, really, really this time). Things slowly being fixed. But, please, if there’s anything you spot that’s not working as it should, let me know in the comments (if you can, in fact, comment. If not, try emailing me. If that link works…. Never mind- it doesn’t. Fixing that, too. Email at lori (at) ladefrickinda.com)

It’s one of those painful transition things. Like growing up. Or finally getting a real, big girl blog. Or something.

 

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Sapphyre January 25, 2013 at 9:57 am

Keep up the good work Lori :) and thank you to all your helpers from me!

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marensmeyer January 25, 2013 at 4:50 am

So very proud of you! Seeing how I’m someone who JUST got the nerve up to even start a blog (http://psb1969.blogspot.com/) I’m still taking baby steps on Blogger.

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Spagsy January 24, 2013 at 4:31 pm

Hoorah!!! I can leave comments now

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Carol January 24, 2013 at 2:02 pm

Welcome to the grown up world ;) Aren’t the transistions just a bitch lol. The gods seem to have decided to give you a break for a while… the car, the car seat et al. But wait there’s more… More what you may ask?? I have no idea, just hoping to give you a smile :D xx

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Karen January 24, 2013 at 1:15 pm

YAY! Welcome to WP. You are now even cooler than you previously were.

So glad things seem to be working out so much better for you at the minute. Sending hugs.

Take care

Karen <3 xxx

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Molly January 24, 2013 at 1:05 pm

Yay WordPress! (It’s not like I’m biased or anything…)

You will totally get there, and soon this will all be just some hideous techy-nightmare memory that you will laugh at over a cup of tea. Promise.

But Lori, please. Don’t resort to singing Ke$ha songs. It’s just not worth it.

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bron@babyspace January 24, 2013 at 12:29 pm

sounds great, lori! good luck girl :)

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yup this one’s sponsored

yup this one’s sponsored

This Mother’s Day giveaway happily brought to you by David Jones online store.

Mother’s Day in Australia is the second Sunday in May. It’s somewhat of a dividing issue, amongst the mums (and dads) that I know… how do you choose to spend your Mothers Day? Would you rather spend it with your kids; or take a day just for you and have some time out?

The thing about Mother’s Day when you have really little kids– and especially if you’re a single parent– is that you actually do most of the Mothers Day organizing for yourself. If you want a present, you buy your own. If you want breakfast in bed you may have to make it yourself; either way it’s unlikely to peaceful and you’ll find yourself sharing your sheets with toast crumbs, and your lukewarm cup of tea with your toddler.

Mothers Day is not a huge deal in our house. Mostly because it would require far too much effort from me to make it so. Although, with the Chop at school this year, I’m anticipating plenty of handmade cards and perhaps something extremely tasteful from the school Mother’s Day stall (if they still do that– do primary schools still do that? Anyone?)

In the Before, Mothers Day was a big deal, and I remember arguing with Tony over it– was going out to dinner with the extended family actually necessary, when all I really wanted was a few hours alone in my own house, with no urgent tasks that needed my attention to annoy me?

AnImage for Resurrection Aromatique Hand Balm 75ml from StoreNameyway. When I was offered this post, I thought it would be a good chance to treat some of my readers who may not receive expensive dinners out, nor lavish breakfasts in bed. Because, while macaroni necklaces and cards painted with cut potato stencils are altogether lovely, all mums deserve something from the slightly more glamorous end of the Mothers Day gift range– some Aesop hand cream, perhaps. And a new manicure set to go with it (For all that free time you have to do your nails).

Image for Manicure Pedicure Set from StoreName

Whatever. If you’d like to win one of two $50 gift vouchers for David Jones online store, fill in the form below and tell me… What would you really like to do for yourself for Mothers Day, if the choice was all yours?

Competition closes midnight AEST Thursday 2nd May, 2013. Winners will be contacted by email soon after and have 48 hours to respond before their prize is redrawn. Australian residents only, sorry. Winning answers will be whichever ones I happen to be fondest of at the time of judging. My decision is final and no correspondence nor circle-jerking shall be entered into.

*In line with the new giveaway policy (ie– only doing giveaways if they’re awesome), I declare $50 DJ’s gift vouchers decidedly awesome. Please feel free to correct me if I’m wrong.

No form? Click here.

{ 16 comments }

Tastes Like Teen Spirit.

by Lori Dwyer on April 3, 2013 · 0 comments

When I said I was only doing cool giveaways from now on… this is one of those. Because, as we know- I love music. Music-ness brings happiness. Or something. And concerts are good for everything that ails you.

And sometimes awesome stuff shows up on my doorstep. Like this…

image

 

Why yes, those are bottles of juice that have been grown to the strains of different types of music. Check it out. We’ve got…

Blue Suede Juice– made with Elvis, Chuck Berry, Buddy Holly and all those groovers.

Baby I Was Grown This Way– serenaded by Lady Gaga, Madonna, Katy Perry and various other popettes.

And, my personal favoriteTastes Like Teen Spirit. Influenced by the Seattle sounds– Pearl Jam, Nirvana, The Pixies and so on.

Why, you ask…? Well. They’re all Made By MOG, Telstra’s new music streaming service. There’s this theory that plants who are played music make better, tastier fruit, and therefore better, tastier juice.

I’m a big believer in all that hippy stuff, as we know. Music and moods make the world go round. Little thoughts can have big effects. There’s a whole school of thought and experimentation called ‘ecosonics’- music for your plants. Which ties in beautifully with the concept of ‘Noetics’ based on research that suggests that the collective thoughts of people actually produce enough physical energy to cause identifiable effects on their environment. They have online experiments you can participate in– its one of those things on my “I’m gonna do this, eventually” list.

The jury’s still out as to whether or not playing MOG music has had any effect on the taste of the juice itself. And I’ve even got control samples for this experiment– Cedar Creek Orchard, where the apples were serenaded, is an institution in TinyTrainTown. It’s just up the road. So close, in fact, I even got you a photo to prove it.

 

CedarCreekOrchard

 

Anyway. Taste aside, the juice certainly looks happy. And that’s what counts. Although, having said that, free juice– and a $100 admin fee to write this post– certainly contributes to both musicality and happiness. Or… something.

In honour of music being awesome, I’ve got the following stuff to be won, just for you, my jellybeans…

Ten x 1 month MOG subscriptions.

One x $100 TicketMaster voucher.

To win, I want to know– if you could flavour a beverage with music, what music would you choose? What song, do you think, would taste good?

Go in the draw to win by filling in the form below- if you can’t see the form, click here. Answers that particularly tickle my pickle at the time of drawing the prizes win. Entries close midnight AEST on the 10th April, 2013. Winners will be contacted by email and have 48 hours to respond before their prize is redrawn. My decision is final and no bitching, whinging or circle-jerking shall be entered into.

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Gastronomical Subterfuge‏

by Lori Dwyer on March 8, 2013 · 5 comments

My children are fussy, finicky eaters. The Chop especially. He takes after me. The Bump has inherited her father’s appetite (”Can’t talk, eating…”), but has still been sadly influenced by me. Both my kids will pick and pull at food. They often demand nothing but garlic bread for dinner. On the rare occasion I do get them to the something new, they gag to the– point I’m almost positive it’s involuntary.

The anti–food phenomenon is absolutely my fault; and the requisite parental guilt is gutting and hollow and flagellating. I’d always naively assumed that the process of teaching my kids to eat healthy would be one of those things that just ’happened’, as if by some kind of magical intervention. I think things like that a lot. My own mother made parenting look so easy.

Actually, to be completely honest, I’d always assumed that The Chop and The Bump would pick up their dad’s relatively healthy taste for all manner of different foods. Had he stuck around for long enough, they might have.

But it didn’t quite work out that way and, after the sky fell in, so did my attempts at cooking. My little darlings have developed the eating habits of their mother. Very, very bad ones. Or, as I like to say, we are ’simple eaters with limited tastes’. Because that makes it sound so much better.

Like most kids, mine would both eat nothing but junk food, given half the chance (and let’s face it, so would I). In order to maintain some control over what we munch on, I’ve taken to trying not to fill the kitchen cupboards with junk food. If all they will snack on is yoghurt, fruit, sultanas, cheese and biscuits…. then that is all I will buy.

In theory, that works wonderfully.

In reality, it’s never that easy. Some days it feels as though the array of foods my children consider ’acceptable for digestion’ is shrinking and waning– they eat less and less. Each week they strike another foodstuff off the list with declarations of “I don’t like that!” and “Neither do I!!”

I get the feeling God is laughing me and my foolish best–of-plans intentions. Home made baby food. Carefully prepared toddler snacks. And two kids who, some days, seem to get all the nourishment they need from a packet of popcorn, an orange and a tub of yoghurt.

Somewhere along the line– a year or so ago, I do believe– I gave up on the dream and illusion that was raw, unprocessed foods, and started buying anything that looked even reasonably healthy and appealing, in order to get the little darlings to eat something– anything– other than milk arrowroot biscuits

Most attempts have been utter failures.

The Bump and I spent an inordinate amount of time playing with these. They look just like they're having a conversation, do they not?!

The Bump and I spent an inordinate amount of time playing with these. They look just like they’re having a conversation, do they not?!

And I actually thought that the SPC Fruit Crush–Ups thingies I had been sent to review would end up the same as most everything else I’ve tried– that is, relegated to the occasional parcels of untouched food that I pass on to friends whose children are less fussy than mine.

Initial trials showed the Fruit Crush–Ups to be unsuccessful, led in opinion by the Chop (the Bump, in general, defers to his decisions. As little sisters do). I’m not sure how this conclusion was reached. The packets are pretty. It’s one handed, which is important for busy kidlets. and there are six– six– different flavours to choose from. No child can be that fussy.

Except mine.

Numerous attempts to beg, bribe and coerce the children into just trying the bleeping things, please, resulted in… Failure. I froze them. I chilled them. I decanted them into glasses with straws and bowls with spoons. (All of that refer to the SPC’s, obviously, not the kids). I even put the strawberry over ice cream, for pity’s sake.

Fruit Crush-Ups over ice cream. Like au naturel strawberry topping!

Fruit Crush-Ups over ice cream. Like au naturel strawberry topping!

No, nay, nuh–uh, no way. Ugh.

“Please? Try it? Just once?” I beg the Chop, “it’s for my blog.”

That results in a wary, slightly worried look. He knows that ’mum’s blog’ is where lots of cool things– like PS3′s, road trips and Skylanders eventuate from. “You will still have your blog but, if I don’t try it, right Mummy?”

“Yes.” I sigh, “of course. But really, you should try them. They’re yummy. They’ve been named Product of the Year!” I am clutching at straws here and he knows it.

“No. Thanks.” At least he’s polite.

Eventually, I resort to total subterfuge and stealthily pack the Fruit Crush–Ups into lunch bags, for big school and daycare, hoping to sneak them into my kids subconscious via peer pressure and distraction. Unfortunately, the Chop is far too old for this kind of disillusionment, and the Crush–Up returned untouched.

But the Bump… she’s still just a baby, bless her, and it’s far too easy to play with her mind sometimes. At the daycare teachers insistence that the Fruit Crush-Ups were, in fact, ’way cool!’, the Bump not only tried it, but loved it. And has polished off half a box of them since then.

Total success.

***

If you’d like to broaden your kids foodstuff intake and add an extra half piece of fruit to their day in a stealthy squeezie pack that can be frozen as an ice pack for lunchboxes (killing both the snack and potential food poisoning birds with one frozen stone!); I’ve got a whole terms worth of SPC Fruit Crush–Ups to give away– that’s eight of each six flavours, RRP $1.29 each, all to the one lucky winner. To be that winner, tell me in 25 words or less–ish; what is the ultimate subterfuge you have pulled on your kids, to get them to eat what they don’t want to?

This comp is open to Aussie residents only. It opens now and closes midnight 22nd March. The winning answer will be whatever tickles my pickle and makes me smile at the time of drawing. Winners must have a valid email address, and will be contacted soon after the competition closes. Winners have 48 hours to respond to the winning email or the comp may be redrawn. My desicion is final and no bitching, whinging or discussion will be entered into.

This post has been sponsored by the awesome people at SPC.

Can’t see a form? Click here…

{ 5 comments }

Thankyou – RRSAHM

Thankyou

by Lori Dwyer on January 10, 2011 · 331 comments

After 100 excruiatingly, extremley longhours of heartbreak, uncertainity and unthinkable, unfathomable, unimaginable pain- for us, and also, I’m sure, for him, it’s over.

My Tony is gone.

This is the most painful thing I’ve ever done. My worst nightmarehas come true. I have two very small, very resiliant,but so, so tiny children who’s daddy was the light of their life. I am burying my husband, probably on Friday.

I am not yet thirty. My husband turned thrity four the day before this alll began.

I miss him, already. But we said what we had to, and I know that he was at peace, as much as possible, with what happened. He knew. That I loved him. That he was my best mate. That he was the most perfect husband, the best dad. My soul mate.

The pain is everything right now. I just need to ride. It’s awfully like childbirth, but so prolonged. The next pain is coming. This hurts like fuck. This pain will be over soon. But fucking brace for another one, Lori. Ride the waves. Hang on. Your worst fucking nightmare has just come true, and you’re living it right now.

I don’t know why I’m writing. I imagine it will strike some people as just the strangest thing- as if any of this is normal, in any way. But Ihave to write. For no other reason that it comforts me. I know Tony won’t read it- he very rarely read my blog, because he knew it was an important space for me. But he’s right here with me, encouraging me and telling me to write. Because he was so proud of me.

So.. I’m spent. Here’s the important bit. Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou. WIthj erveryhting I have. YOu have no idea how much this continued support means to me. I can’t even begin describe… this is my community. You have pulled behind me in a way I never expected. Thankyou thankyou thankyou. ANd bless you, every single person who posted anyhting, anywhere. It all helps. It still helps. When I’m unbearably lonely, when my chest might burst, this is where I come. And I cry, but it’s so good. I can’t describe.. balm for a wound, just to take the edge off the excruiating pain.

ANd I’m out. After running for 100 hours, I am preparing to crash and burn tonight. It’s all over. The absolute worst of it has passed. The rest will still be a living nightmare.

But I am strong. As I told my husband, time and time over the last few days, I am strong. I don’t know how the fuck I am doing this, but I am. One foot in front of the other. I can do this. I have to do.

Bring it on guys. No miracles this time. Just leave me love, to catch me when I fall.

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{ 331 comments… read them below or add one }

Patti Murphy January 25, 2011 at 3:43 am

Saw a link to your blog from The Bloggess. I feel sick for you.

I think writing your way through this will help you. Trying to sort through your avalanche of thoughts (when you can) is kinda like steering an ocean liner with your left foot. But it's what you can do.

I offer you my thoughts. I don't pray because I never know what to pray for.

And sleep. Find ways to sleep.

I wish I had more to give you.

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Suzy January 17, 2011 at 3:10 pm

so, so much love to you and your family today and every day. The waves of grief are cruel but they do subside slowly, over time. Write it out, cry it out, scream it out, and ride the waves, it's all you can do. I wrote my way through grief – and it is the only thing that got me through.

Sending so much love to you, may all our words cushion your fall and help you on your journey.

I wish you a moment of peace among the sadness.

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battynurse January 15, 2011 at 12:24 am

Coming over from Eden's blog to say I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs to you and may you find some peace in the coming days.

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luna January 14, 2011 at 7:10 pm

here from eden.
so very sorry for the loss of your husband.
there are no good words for us, but I hope you continue to find yours.

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manda January 14, 2011 at 4:59 pm

big love to you and your little ones Lori xoxox

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MJ January 14, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Hi Lori,

You don't know me from a bar of soap (don't worry I don't look like a bar of soap :)) I only found your blog by someone tweeting I clicked on the link and here I am. First my deepest and sincerest love for your loss. I sat here reading this and previous posts while my two kids fought and pulled at me..I got a bit shirty with them because I wanted to read your words. I want to thank you for sharing- for writing- for being so beautiful and true to what is inside you. There is so so much love here in these posts and just over the waves that if you fall your landing will be soft on all of this love here.
I read way back- yep I read the blog posts backwards (I'm a bit perverse) and you are so beautiful in so many ways- and even from reading your posts I know you will travel through this and that the journey will always be with you-even when you are in the light- and that's not a bad thing..just how it is. This probably makes no sense but it does to me- and maybe one day it will. (then again maybe it won't…but I do feel this really strongly).
Always be yourself x

I am sending you love and light and I just wanted to share this quote which I love.
"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. "- Kahlil Gibran.

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bloodsigns January 14, 2011 at 12:49 pm

Dear Lori,

I am here through Eden's blog — I just wanted you to know that there's someone out here, a world away, taking a moment to hold you and your children in my heart tonight.

With love,

Pam

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Princess Jo January 14, 2011 at 9:49 am

Thinking of you.

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Vee January 14, 2011 at 8:47 am

I am terribly sorry for your loss. I too lost my husband not long ago, it's hard, really hard but your Tony will let his presence felt around you like my Max does. He will be with you and your little ones.

You will get through this even those some days you may feel you won't, you will.

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Jem January 14, 2011 at 8:28 am

Lori,

Your friend Eden sent me over to give you my support and to let you know all of us in the blog world are here, giving you virtual hugs. I can't imagine what you are going through, how difficult this must be for you. Please know we are here for you.

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sharah January 14, 2011 at 4:13 am

My heart breaks for your loss.

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ange_moore January 13, 2011 at 9:36 pm

I can't imagine what you mst be going through – to have lost your man, your rock, your friend and to be left to look after your two beautiful children. Thinking of you tomorrow and sending you vibes of strength to say goodbye to Tony and the strength to struggle on the journey of raising your kids, who I'm sure will continue to remind you of the joys of life and will show you glimpses of the man you have lost.

Thinking of you with all my might.

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MaidInAustralia January 13, 2011 at 7:53 pm

Lori, you do whatever the hell you want to get through this.
And writing is therapeutic. A very wise friend, who has also been through hell, gave me some sage advice when I went through an incredibly tough time. And that was to write. Write the hell out of. Write your way through it. No one has to see it. But just write it.
And know that people around the world love you and are here for you.
xoxo

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MultipleMum January 13, 2011 at 5:31 pm

Hi Honey, I have been away and popped on here as soon as I got home to see how things were going. I am so sorry for your loss Lori :( It must feel like a canyon in your life. I send you all of my strength and loving kindness to help you through the next few days and beyond. You poor, poor petal. Much love, MM

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Michele January 13, 2011 at 2:45 pm

Oh Lori, I am so sorry. Many prayers for your family.

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Jen at Semantically driven January 13, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Lori, I'm here via Farmer's Wife. Am so so sad to hear about the loss of your husband. No words I can say can make you feel better. From one blogger to another, my heartfelt condolences. Jen xxx

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Ashwee January 13, 2011 at 12:48 pm

I am so so sorry to hear of your devastating news. Praying for you and your gorgeous children.

xo

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artandfoodblog.com January 13, 2011 at 11:29 pm

Hi Lori, I posted something last night but was so saddened by your earlier post – sent to me by some Real Blogger friends on Facebook – that I didn't even think to scroll here and read on…. Honestly, tears are streaming down my face as I read this. I barely know you, but I so admire your courage and feel your pain. My heart goes out to you and your children. I can't even imagine your situation but do have some friends who have faced similar circumstances. I wish you healing in time, and more in more time, and even more in even more time…
-Anne Marie

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Lavender Hearts January 13, 2011 at 7:44 am

Write and write and write some more, write as much as you need. Breathe even when it pains you and love, love all those around, and with, you and love those in your heart.
Sending you much love, Gayle

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Cori January 13, 2011 at 5:16 am

Im so sorry to hear of your loss! My thoughts and prayers are with you, your children and family! Be strong!

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Tania January 13, 2011 at 12:26 am

Leaving you love… leaving a hug…

tk1999

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reality raver January 13, 2011 at 10:13 am

My thoughts are with you and your family at this time. And the cyberverse is here to support you if needed.

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Sarah January 12, 2011 at 9:40 pm

Lori, I feel speechless, but I just want you to know that you and your Chop and Bump are on my mind and I wish you some peace, comfort and the support of all those around you. Hugs.

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Dovic January 12, 2011 at 8:55 pm

Lori, our arms will embrace you from both near and far wherever you may be and whenever it may be. Immense love for you, for your kidlets, and for Tony.

We're here. That's the thing. We're here for you always xxx

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naoise.x. January 12, 2011 at 8:26 pm

you are stronger then you know & more loved then you can imagine.
Ive been waiting for you post to say that everything okay, and im so sorry that this has happened to you & you little ones.
we'll always be here to listen to you and send you love.
love.x.

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bichonpawz January 12, 2011 at 4:27 pm

I have stopped by from Nikki's blog and am so very sorry for your loss. Know that there are many, many prayers being said for you and your family. My heart just aches for you and your two little ones. Be strong and take care of you. Sending love and strength…
Jeanne

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Debbie January 12, 2011 at 3:06 pm

Lori, I am so sorry for your loss. You & your family have been in my thoughts & prayers since I first heard the news on twitter.
We all prayed for your Tony & hoped he would recover. My heart goes out to you & your children,this is indeed a very sad time for you all.Sending you love & light to help you get through this difficult time.

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Sophie January 12, 2011 at 2:24 pm

I am so sorry Lori. So very sorry for your loss. :(

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Michelle January 12, 2011 at 1:47 pm

I have heard your sad news through many fellow bloggers sending their love your way and wanted to send my condolences to you. I cannot imagine your pain but this post made me really feel it. Keep writing and do what you need to do. You are not alone we are all right here with you. Thinking of you at this hard time x

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Su Chin January 12, 2011 at 1:31 pm

I'm so sorry to hear this. May he rest in peace.

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Gilsner January 12, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Lori,
I am so sorry for your loss. I wish we had 'met' under better circumstances, in happier times. I'm sure there are no words to ease your pain, lessen your loss. And regardless of the circumstances your husband was clearly a wonderful husband, an amazing father and the love of your life. Nothing will ever change that. Ever.

xoox

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Colleen January 12, 2011 at 11:40 am

My prayers are with you and your children. I almost lost my son to a cycling accident this year but my situation turned out the opposite to yours. Even with that experience I still can't imagine what you must be going through. God bless you and I hope that peace comes to you.

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Anonymous January 12, 2011 at 11:33 am

I don't know you Lori but I certainly know that I can leave some love even to someone I don't know. For the heartache that you are going through I know that you may find some solace in the love that is being sent to you on these pages.
Be kind to yourself
love and prayers to you and your boys
Sheree

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Alex January 12, 2011 at 10:37 am

I'm so very sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

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christinemosler January 12, 2011 at 9:15 am

Love to you from someone who has only found you through this awful, painful time and the links from the oh so many people who love you. x

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BS January 12, 2011 at 8:41 am

I am at a loss for the words that can give you any comfort at a time like this?
May your strength and your little family see you through the worst of this tragedy.

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Sara Rose January 12, 2011 at 8:19 am

Though you do not know it now, and though you may never feel whole, eventually some part of you will be okay again.

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urbanadaptation January 12, 2011 at 7:39 am

Lori, I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm sending good thoughts your way – it's not a lot, I know, but I hope it helps, even a little.

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ghostwritermummy January 12, 2011 at 7:32 am

I'm so so sorry to read this, my thoughts are with you and your little ones
XxX

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Anonymous January 12, 2011 at 6:31 am

I am so sorry for you. I am crying for you, even though I don't know you. I do understand your pain though. I lost my brother a few years ago in a car accident. He was my very best friend and only 25. One day he was there, the next he was gone. I feel my own pain again through your sadness and I am so sorry you have to go through this. Just take one day at a time. Some days will be much harder than others. Take whatever help you can get. The world can be a very unfair place and I am so sorry for you.

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amanda enclade January 12, 2011 at 5:09 am

sending love and wisdom from california. bless you all.

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dreamer January 12, 2011 at 4:53 am

Lost for words,…. hold on tight to your littlies and stay strong xxxxx

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Tabiboo January 12, 2011 at 4:18 am

Sending you the biggest hug I can throw around you guys – with much 'much' love,

Nina xxx

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Nmaha January 12, 2011 at 4:08 am

I just found your blog through marketing to milk. We are here for you . To hug u, catch u and hold u.

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Stella January 12, 2011 at 3:44 am

Dear, dear Lori
I wish I could put my arms around you and hug you, but I am on the other side of the world. All I can do is join with everyone else and surround you with love and prayers via your blog.
God bless
Stella xx

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Wendy B. January 12, 2011 at 3:31 am

Dear Lori,

I am so sorry for your loss….I can't imagine the pain you must be going through right now. I am sending you all my love all the way from the Netherlands.

Love, Wendy

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Its_Lily January 12, 2011 at 3:09 am

Lots of love being sent your way. And squeezy hugs and thoughts of comfort. I can't fathom this, but I feel it regardless. We're here for you.

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Lori January 12, 2011 at 2:06 am

i am so very sorry that you and your family are enduring this pain. it's a pain i know very well, and i can tell you that some day it won't be this bad, and i also know that that's not much help right now. you are in the thoughts of a great many people.

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vegemitevix January 12, 2011 at 1:43 am

Lori, I've just returned from holiday and caught up on your very sad news. One step at a time hun, you're doing so well. Just keep remembering, one step at a time. I completely understand your need to write, and believe it can help the sense of unreality and loss. Wishing you so much love and my prayers. Vix xxx

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kateab January 12, 2011 at 12:27 am

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't think of anything else to say right now.

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Farah Muzaffar January 11, 2011 at 11:52 pm

Unbearable loss I understand Lori, God gives you strength and courage for your little ones… You will be in my prayers… May God bless you with all HIS blessings and shadow of peaceful life… Ameen
http://craftaworld.blogspot.com/
Love
Farah

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Heather January 11, 2011 at 11:52 pm

Lori, I don't know what to say. Sending you love and strength.

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bibbitybob January 11, 2011 at 11:32 pm

Sending love and strength to you and your family xxx

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Anonymous January 11, 2011 at 11:29 pm

My prayers are for you and your precious children.
Chris

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Curvaceous Queen January 11, 2011 at 10:49 pm

Lori my heart and love go out to you. Take strength from the love that surrounds you. Although words don't ease your pain they may shine a small light xx

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Marg January 11, 2011 at 10:48 pm

Lori, I don't have the love you need, but I am praying God sends it to you and wraps you in His loving arms, and that you feel it, that He is there, loving you in this horrible, horrible time.

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Naomi January 11, 2011 at 9:50 pm

Lori, thankyou for opening your heart and feelings to us – you have great support around you and I know it is not going to be enough some days because you are the one living this – but please know we care about you and want you to find peace. you know we all would encourage you to write it out – to let it go some days and to be able to walk away – remember you have a space to dump your feelings and that you will always find the support and encouragement you need. my heart goes out to you and your cherubs. naomi xx

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River January 11, 2011 at 9:49 pm

Whenever you need us Lori, we'll be here.
All of us. Always.

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Louise (Table Tonic) January 11, 2011 at 9:35 pm

Big love and hugs to you and your babes, Lori. You will always be well looked after – For now, just ride that wave. Let it out. I haven't stopped thinking about you for the past 48 hours. None of us have.
One day at a time.
You are amazing.
xxx
Louise

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Kel January 11, 2011 at 9:15 pm

No comment could possibly say all the right words, who could ever have the words to say, to make it better? It is what it is. This is what the universe has brought to you, and you are right, you must just live it. You will get through, and you will be the most amazing strong woman at the end of it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, one step at a time, you will reach it.
Love to you and your family… xoxo

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pamela January 11, 2011 at 9:15 pm

Lori
You're in my thoughts today here in England. I'm so sorry for your terrible loss and wish you strength and stamina for your new journey.
With much love and a heavy heart, pamela xxx

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Jess January 11, 2011 at 9:08 pm

Lori, my heart and thoughts are with you and your children. Sending you an abundance of love x

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A Cajun Down Under January 11, 2011 at 9:08 pm

My heart breaks for you and your babies. Praying for strength and compassion to pull you through.

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Bianca Jae Makes Stuff January 11, 2011 at 9:08 pm

My thoughts and prays are with you and you little ones xox

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Maxabella January 11, 2011 at 8:45 pm

You are all our thoughts, courageous Lori. Be brave, darling you. x

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Stacey McMillan January 11, 2011 at 8:42 pm

Arms are wide open to receive you Lori and your little ones. To give you comfort when you need it, to be your shoulder to cry on and whatever else we can do. Just take one day at a time, you are strong and you can do this Im sure.
xx

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Anonymous January 11, 2011 at 8:24 pm

I am so sorry for your loss. Hang in there.

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Kate January 11, 2011 at 8:20 pm

Wishing you love and the strength to get through this most awful time. I am so sorry for your family's terrible, terrible loss. XXXXXX

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Becky January 11, 2011 at 8:20 pm

Lori – so much love to you and your babies. You being here, writing, makes perfect sense and I hope it helps in some small way.
You are amazing and strong.
And we are all here, with our arms out, waiting to catch you and hold you close.

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JallieDaddy January 11, 2011 at 8:17 pm

I'm so sorry for your loss! I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling. Write any time you want to: we're here to support if we can. Stay strong x

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Kebeni January 11, 2011 at 7:36 pm

words are incredibly inadequate at times. Thinking of you and your family and I hope your husband is at peace

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Mummysquared January 11, 2011 at 7:36 pm

I am so sorry for your loss. Noone can imagine what you are going through. I hope this strong community to help to support you in some way.

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Cara1979 January 11, 2011 at 7:28 pm

Do whatever makes you feel in any small capacity less overewhelmed, I don't want to say better as I can only begin to imagine that you won't feel 'better' for a long time.
You have so much beautiful support here and outside the blogosphere. You'll get through it one second at a time I can only hope for you and your family that at some point in the future that your broken hearts can begin to heal. from my family to yours, Carax

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Chocolate Cat January 11, 2011 at 7:26 pm

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your children xxx

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Julie W January 11, 2011 at 7:07 pm

My heart hurts for you Lori, your heart will hurt much. much more and for longer. But it WILL get better. x

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Nerdycomputergirl January 11, 2011 at 6:59 pm

Lori, I am so, so sorry for the sudden loss of your husband Tony. You have been in my thoughts constantly over the last few days and I wish love and strength for you and your adorable kids in the future.

Karen

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Lia January 11, 2011 at 6:18 pm

Lori, I cannot begin to imagine what you're going through. Although we have never met, I'm thinking of you and sending you love and strength.

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Kim January 11, 2011 at 6:08 pm

I am so so sorry Lori. I am thinking of you and your sweet ones.

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Kate January 11, 2011 at 6:06 pm

Loads of love and strength for you and your babies.
Thinking of you.

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Trisha January 11, 2011 at 5:45 pm

Lori, I often read your blog, I love the giggles you give me. You have such a way with words. Only now I feel compelled to comment you. As I have done elsewhere as well.

You have done Tony the biggest honour of all. You were his wife and his soul mate. You are the gorgeous Mummy to his babies.

This path is going to be a long and hard one, but huni you can do it. There is no choice but right through it, with your babies by your side.

You are surrounded with love and support. Please be sure to use that at any time. Never be too proud to say I need a hand.

One day at a time sweety.

My thoughts and prayers are with you always. xxx

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karry327 January 11, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Lori, I struggle to know what to write as no words are enough. Thinking of you and your babies in this truly devastating time. Much love to you all xxx

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Tina January 11, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Leaving you lots ans lots of love…I am so terribly sorry. xx

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Clare January 11, 2011 at 5:20 pm

I am so sorry for your loss Lori. Thinking of you and your family and sending you much love and strength. xx

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Mel January 11, 2011 at 5:00 pm

So sorry for your loss, Lori.
I completely understand your need to write. Blogging helped me through some terrible grief.
Much love.
xx

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SewSofie January 11, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Lori,
I was pointed here from another blog. Im so sorry to read of your loss. Your pain immeasurable. Thinking of you even though Ive only just met you.

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kate January 11, 2011 at 4:44 pm

oh lori. i am so sorry. i cannot even comprehend what you must be feeling. sending much love..

also, i know it seems odd but, is there anything i/we can do? i mean physically? please don't hesitate to get in contact if you need something. i am in sydney if that's at all helpful..?

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Ms Styling You January 11, 2011 at 4:37 pm

You my my unconditional love and support. xx

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Cat January 11, 2011 at 4:35 pm

So much love to you Lori. So many people have said it more eloquently than me, but you are loved & don't have to be strong for all of us. Do what you have to to get you through. Thinking of you. Xxxx

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SJ January 11, 2011 at 4:22 pm

Do what you have to do to get through Lori. Much love.

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Seaweed and Raine January 11, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Lori, I just stubled upon your blog. It is heart wrenching. You shared the raw pain of your heart. Tears are still streaming down my face from it. Let God love you and carry you… I am still praying, but for you and your 2 little ones. May the tears you shed cleanse your wounded heart and in time allow the healing to begin.

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Sandra January 11, 2011 at 4:17 pm

be it one word, or 1000, write. Write.

Not only will we catch you when you fall, but we will cry your tears with you and wrap you in a warm hug.

xx

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Tamara January 11, 2011 at 3:37 pm

Lori, your strength is a true inspiration. I know that you will have some dark times, but please remember that people are there for you. My heartfelt sympathy to you and your family

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Heres a gem January 11, 2011 at 3:35 pm

We don't know each other – but I have learned about you after this first happened. I'm so sorry. My heart aches for you. Take every day one step at a time. Be good to yourself, be patient, be strong. Draw strength from your children because that love is the purest strength there is. You will get through this.

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Dean January 11, 2011 at 3:31 pm

Sending all of my love, hope and prayers. You are not alone I will think and your family often, I promise you that xx

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~~Kallie~~ January 11, 2011 at 3:11 pm

Lori, you get through this the best way you can. There is no formula, no standard path to follow. The pain doesn't relent and no-one can judge you for how you deal with that. When my sons died I talked & talked about them to anyone who'd listen. My (now ex)husband never said a thing. We deal with things as individuals. Just be there for your kids, remember Tony with love & make sure you get some time where you can fall in a heap & cry when you need to.

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Anonymous January 11, 2011 at 3:03 pm

Thinking of you & your family at this sad time.

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Colleen January 11, 2011 at 2:32 pm

This was the news I hoped would never be read. I hope that you come through this an even stronger person that you are already. You are an incredibly brave woman and once Friday is over your journey to recovery can really start. You and your children have Tony as your guardian angel now and I hope you at least find some small comfort in this. Please know that you have so many people out here thinking of you. We may not be real life family but we are an online family, we will listen to everything you want to say whether it be good or bad. Never feel like you are alone, we are all here and I am sure if you asked, any one of us would do anything within our power to help in any way we could.
Love and Hugs to you all
Colleen

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Suse January 11, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Lori, adding my tears to the river that flow around you, a strand to the safety net that will catch you, and all my love. I have only ever known you through the screen, but you've always meant a lot to me, and I grieve with you now.

Keep writing as much as you need to, and I will be here to listen and help you through this in as many ways as I can.

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Sara January 11, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Lori, my love and prayers are being sent to you and your children. You are not alone.

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jenny January 11, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Leaving you and your boys my love, and holding you all in the light.

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Tat January 11, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Lost for words. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through and still, my heart hurts for you and I have tears running down my face. Sending you lots of love.

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Anonymous January 11, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Lori..

No words can express how your story has touched me.. My thoughts with you always.. Your beloved Tony lives on in your Children..

Nicole xx (lifesothercatastrophes)

(¯`·.·´¯) (¯`·.·´¯)
`·.¸(¯`·.·´¯)¸ .·
×°× ` ·.¸.·´ ×°×

~LEAVING LOVE~

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Fiona at Inner Pickle January 11, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Leaving you love xx I am so sorry for your loss.

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Melissa January 11, 2011 at 1:32 pm

Oh Lori, I am so saddened by this and feel so much for you and your family. Your star is so bright and you are strong so you will come through it, it's just so unfair that you have to. I'm thinking of you and sending love and a huge hug, Melissa xx

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CheezelMonster January 11, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Lori through your words I can feel your pain, I wish there was some way I could take it away from you and your children. Thinking about you all the time.

cheezelMonster from BB

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nadinewrites108 January 11, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Crash and burn. We are with you. Always. Always. Always.

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DaniV January 11, 2011 at 1:20 pm

I am so sorry for your loss… Sending you nothing but love and strength to help get you through the coming months xo

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Kim January 11, 2011 at 1:12 pm

I am so very sorry, Lori. I wish I could fast forward you to a time when the pain will be lessened. It's not strange at all for you to come here and write. You do whatever you need to do to get through this. You obviously have a lot of people who care about you, so don't be afraid to lean on them. Love to you and your family.

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Stacie January 11, 2011 at 1:10 pm

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I will hold you and your family in my heart now. Many prayers….

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Kakunaa January 11, 2011 at 1:03 pm

Wishing you peace in the coming days, weeks, and months as you grieve. I am so sorry for your loss, Lori. I hope all the best for you.

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LionessLady January 11, 2011 at 12:54 pm

Lori, I read about you through Wanderlust. I am sending strength for you and your family.

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x0xJ January 11, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Oh Lori, you are amazing. Your strength is something admirable, and i know you can get through this. Will it hurt. Yes it fucking will, but like you said you just have to ride the waves, and you are doing I am sending you and your children so so much love and strength, take from me what you need and in those lonely moments remember there are so many of us here for you any any time at all.
<3

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Kathy January 11, 2011 at 12:52 pm

No words, just thoughts, tears and love for you and your family, from me and mine.

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Mummahh January 11, 2011 at 11:51 pm

Leaving you TONS of love..you and your little ones are in my thoughts
xxoo

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Rebekah January 11, 2011 at 11:41 pm

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so deeply sorry for your loss. You sound like you've got an amazing strength which you can feel just through your words. Thinking of you and your family.
RIP Tony
Xx

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Fe January 11, 2011 at 12:30 pm

Leaving you love, Lori. And huge hugs. xox

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misssy m January 11, 2011 at 11:30 pm

So so sorry that this has happened to you Lori. I want you to know that I've been constantly thinking about you and will continue to do so. You ever need to unload anything you feel you can't otherwise you know my email address. I know I'm not just round the corner, I know we've never met in person, but know you'll get an ear, or whatever you need from me.

So sorry for this terrible loss. You will never get over it but you will get through it.

Much love,

Gillian xxxx

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Caz (The Truth About Mummy) January 11, 2011 at 12:27 pm

(((((hugs))))))

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Sarah G January 11, 2011 at 12:18 pm

I'm so sorry for your loss Lori. ((hugs))

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Tanya January 11, 2011 at 12:05 pm

Lori, I am just adding my love to the rest of the pile, I hope it can carry you in some way.

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Sophie {Red Dust Love} January 11, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Lori, I have never met you however, please know that I and the entire blogging community are behind you 100%! There is nothing that we can say or do to make a profound difference to your life at present but we can stand strong beside you, give our love and support and just be here to help catch you that little bit. All my love and best wishes at this unthinkable time. Sophie.

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Kylie January 11, 2011 at 11:39 am

Lori, Our thoughts and prayers are with you during this time. The blogging community is amazing and you have many bloggers aound you for support and love.

Love to your little ones and your extended family during this time.

Hugs Kylie

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Tina January 11, 2011 at 11:38 am

Sending all my love to you and your babies, Lori. Just take it one minute and one breath at a time… I am so sorry for your loss.~ xx

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Anonymous January 11, 2011 at 11:35 am

Thinking of you and your beautiful family, in what is your darkest hour. May you find some light from the love and support of those around you. xx

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Kel January 11, 2011 at 11:22 am

I have no words – just wanted to let you know you are surrounded with the most amazing people who will always pick you up if you fall. I am so sorry Lori…my thoughts and love go to you and your family x

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Erin January 11, 2011 at 11:22 am

Oh Lori, words are not enough, but just know I am thinking of you.

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makeitgiveit January 11, 2011 at 11:18 am

Lori, You and your babies have been in my thoughts and prayers for the last few days since I came across this part of your journey. May you find love at every turn, may you have the grace to wade through this dark and terrible time. May the waves of sorrow bring with them moments of joy at the memories and the love you share.
May you always be surrounded by the shoulders of loved ones to cry on and may you have a deep peace inside the turmoil.
With love and prayers for the journey. Miriam

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Super Sarah January 11, 2011 at 11:12 am

So sad Lori. I am holding you and your family in my heart now and hoping you get the strength you need to carry on through this. The online community is here to catch you.

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Natacha January 11, 2011 at 11:05 am

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers … keep putting one foot in front of the other.

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Newmumma January 11, 2011 at 11:05 am

Lori,
You are such a strong person – it is unimaginable to me as to the pain and sadness you must be feeling at this time.
Look at the faces of your kids and take strength from the fact that they are forever a symbol of the love that you and Tony share.
I'm sure nothing anyone can say, will help you make sense of this at the moment – but just know that there are so many on us out here in the blogging world sending you and your kidlets love and support.
So sorry hun
xoxoxoxox

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deeanne January 11, 2011 at 11:04 am

Lori, I am so incredibly sad for you and your family, it`s heartbreaking, I have tears in my eyes. Thinking of you all xx

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Langdowns January 11, 2011 at 11:00 am

Oh Lori.
That's all I can say.
I have no other words. Only tears. Loads and loads of tears. For you. For the kids. For Tony. For me. For my husband. For my kids. For those that have gone before. For those that will one day go. For all the love and all the loss. For all the hurt. For all the joy. For all the confusion that it all brings. For the absolute hole it leaves. For the sorrow …
Oh Lori. I am just so sorry …
I have no words.
Thank you for posting. It means a lot that you have trusted us.
Big hugs
L

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mrsneedlesandherbs January 11, 2011 at 10:54 am

Thinking of you and the family – blessings to you all xx

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Rayna January 11, 2011 at 10:52 am

Love, prayer & internet moms around the world uniting to digitally hold you and offer your their comfort. We are all with you.

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Beck January 11, 2011 at 10:45 am

lots of love and prayers with you xoxo

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Life In A Pink Fibro January 11, 2011 at 10:44 am

Words can't express Lori. Thinking of you all.

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Emma-Lou January 11, 2011 at 10:43 am

So sorry.

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learncreatedo January 11, 2011 at 10:42 am

Like everyone else I have tears. Keep writing… It really is the best therapy. It will help you sort out your feelings and help you ride those waves. It will take time. Make sure you take all the time that YOU need. We'll always be here for you.
Sending you hugs… Sam x

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Naturally Carol January 11, 2011 at 10:41 am

Lots and lots and lots of love and big, big hugz from me to you.

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Christie-Childhood 101 January 11, 2011 at 10:40 am

You are never far from my thoughts. Although you are strong, allow yourself time to be soft too. Don't be afraid to ask of others, for help in whichever form you need as you walk, one slow step at a time, through the days to come.

Sending love x

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purplegiraffes January 11, 2011 at 10:34 am

Hugs to you. So many hugs. I don't know what else to say. xoxo

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Tanya January 11, 2011 at 10:32 am

So very sorry for your loss and for your children's loss. There are no "shoulds" for grief. You do what you need to do whenever you need to do it to keep going for yourself and for your family.

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Ally January 11, 2011 at 10:14 am

I am a new follower and I learned of your tragic loss from PinkPatentMaryJanes. I know I'm a stranger, but just know my heart goes out to you and your family. You are in my thoughts and prayers :(

Fourth Grade Nothing

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ashley January 11, 2011 at 10:14 am

I am here via Babymac and I, like the many others here and sending you bucket loads of love and prayers for you and your children xx

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Dorothy January 11, 2011 at 10:00 am

Writing is such a good outlet, such good therapy. So much better than keeping it all inside. So keep writing, don't worry what others think.

This will be a long rough ride. It will not end tomorrow. But don't even think about tomorrow. Just think about the next breath.

Yes, Tony is at peace now. I hope that does bring you some comfort. And know that he trusted you to be OK, he trusted you to do what you need to do to make sure the children are ok.

One minute at a time…

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Erin January 11, 2011 at 8:59 pm

sending love from my family to yours we are deeply sorry for your loss xxx

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Jane January 11, 2011 at 9:56 am

hi Lori – I am another complete stranger.

Your loss is unspeakable and I have no words for you except to say that you must let all this love support you.

I have a dear friend who lost her husband at 40 last year she has a 1 year old daughter.

Based on her experiences can I suggest the following (and please don't think me presumptuous) (1) make sure you find a good counsellor. You need to make sure that you have someone to vent to and to help you through this for the next 12 months. Often the shock does not hit until after a few months and at that time a lot of people think you are 'over the worst'. It is important to prepare for that. (2) appoint someone to filter phone calls emails letters etc so you don't have to deal with it. Also appoint someone like a friend or family member to take over manage all the admin paperwork you will have to deal with. (3) make sure you keep the children with you unless you have someone they are used to being with as being separated from you may make it worse. (4) cry as much as you need to.

I am thinking of you and I am so so sorry for what has happened.

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m.e (Cathie) January 11, 2011 at 9:53 am

leaving you lots of love & strength Lori ♥

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Amy January 11, 2011 at 9:51 am

I'm just in tears. My heart hearts so much for you.

Continuing to pray for you and your amazing little ones.

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Cinders January 11, 2011 at 9:46 am

Sorry for your loss Lori :( Leaving you love.

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bigwords is… January 11, 2011 at 9:42 am

Wrapping my arms around you like everyone in this amazing community. We will hold you and give you the support you need whenever you need us. Sending love and light to you and your gorgeous children, Bianca x

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Hear Mum Roar January 11, 2011 at 9:42 am

Lori, this whole thing just sucks. I'm so sorry any of this happened. I remember saying to you when this all began that I knew what you were going through. Now, I can't imagine how you must be feeling ((HUG))

But, I can imagine that the things you'd need to do right are now small things: eat, sleep, talk to your loved ones when needed. Just like when you were in labour, you didn't take on the whole labour at once, you just took each pain as it came, I'm sure the early days would be like this.

We all just wanted to make Tony better, and we're all so sorry we couldn't. But just remember, we're here for you if you need us.

And we all will love you through this.

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LKP January 11, 2011 at 9:31 am

my heart breaks for you in your loss.
the Lord will sustain you in every step you must make, just trust Him.
::hugs::

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Sarah January 11, 2011 at 9:27 am

Keep strong, but be true to your feelings. You will know within when your strength is needed and when you can just fall apart.

My thoughts are with you

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PinkPatentMaryJanes January 11, 2011 at 9:21 am

I am so, so sorry for your loss Lori – and I totally understand why you've posted. Hopefully this can help be the mildest buffer for the pain and help you through the next few days and beyond. Much love to you and your children xx

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Butterfly January 11, 2011 at 9:19 am

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your soul mate. Please stay strong. Will keep you and your family in my prayers. Love, lots of love to you!!'

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Noelle January 11, 2011 at 9:12 am

I'm so sorry for your loss, Lori.
I can feel your pain through your words, even though I don't know you.
Wishing you strength to get through the pain and torment that you are feeling right now, and will be feeling for a long time.

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Tinkertines January 11, 2011 at 9:11 am

Sending you loads of love from the other side of the world, may it gather speed as it travels and knock you off your feet and carry you through this. xoxox

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Kristy January 11, 2011 at 9:05 am

I am so so sorry. You are amazing. What you wrote is amazing. I just don't know what else to say. I cannot imagine the pain. Love to you and your precious ones.

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Toughie January 11, 2011 at 9:03 am

Such sad news, Please take care of yourself, take help when you need it, and know that things will get better. xo

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Brenda January 11, 2011 at 8:59 am

Keep writing my love. Do what you need to do to ease the pain. We are all here holding you, giving you love and strength.xxxxxx

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tiff(threeringcircus) January 11, 2011 at 8:57 am

Lori,
Leaving you love and light. Wishing you peace and strength.

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Megan.K. January 11, 2011 at 8:56 am

Lori, so very sorry for your devastating loss.
xoxoxo

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Charmaine January 11, 2011 at 8:55 am

I am so sorry for your loss Lori xx

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Katiegirl January 11, 2011 at 8:49 am

Sending you love. So much love. Wish there was something else I could do…

Indeed you are strong. Indeed you will get through this. And he will always be with you.

May you be comforted with the knowledge that his life has impacted many, and there will be so many of us holding our little ones, and partners closer, because you were brave enough to share your story.

"Time spent with someone we love, will always be too short."

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Watershedd January 11, 2011 at 8:42 am

When all words fail, we borrow from another.

"In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond; And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring. Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity." Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet.

Prayers for you, your children and your beloved Tony from me and my love. And still, always wishing you all peace. Watershedd and her GOFA.

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Danielle January 11, 2011 at 8:41 am

Lori,
thats right tiny steps one foot in fron of the other,we all will catch you when you fall we are one tight blogger family community.Take as much time as you need to grieve You are a very strong women Lori . I will continue to send love &strength; to you and pray that you and your babies are all fine<3

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MadCow January 11, 2011 at 8:40 am

xox

All my love and thoughts are with you. xox

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alliecat January 11, 2011 at 8:36 am

Loce, love and love to you and yours. Your precious children, your families and friends. I am so, so sorry for your loss Lori. Peace to you. xox

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Emma jane January 11, 2011 at 8:19 am

If you need a heart, mine is yours to borrow. I can't imagine how much pain you are going through right now. Sending love to you and your kids.

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Hope’s Mama January 11, 2011 at 8:18 am

I am new to your blog after reading updates about you on so many other blogs I read, but I couldn't stop by without saying how terribly sorry I am. My heart is broken for you.
As someone who has also been through a soul-shattering grief, I am sending all the love and support I have to you to keep getting through each day.
I'm just so sorry this has happened to you.
Sally (Melbourne)

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Naomi January 11, 2011 at 8:14 am

When you need to let go, when you fall, we will be here, we will catch you.

Sending love, strength, support x

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Benison January 11, 2011 at 8:13 am

What you are going through seems unfathomable, but I know another young woman who lost her husband – the love of her life – suddenly, although she didn't have children. Everyone thought it would be best if she went back to work and 'got on' with her life. She was ok for a time then fell apart.So what I'm saying is take all the time you need to grieve. If anyone says to you down the track that you should be 'getting over it' now, ignore them. You are entitled to take as long as you like. It may be years, but one day a day will come when you feel ok. Sad but ok. And you will always have your lovely children. Take care xx

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anjwritesabout.com January 11, 2011 at 8:11 am

You ARE strong, undoubtedly. But when you need to let go, we are here to envelope you, prop you up, keep you safe, give you comfort.

Sending lots of love & light to you and your littlies…

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Trik82 January 11, 2011 at 8:08 am

Dearest Lori,
I admire your and am in awe of your strength, I am devastated by your loss, and you are constantly in my thoughts as you have been these past days.
Continuing to send you my love, strength and support xoxox

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Belinda January 11, 2011 at 8:08 am

Oh, Lori – sending you all the love and courage I can muster. So sorry to hear about your loss … i know it will continue to hurt for a long, long time but know that you are surrounded by love. xx

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Smudgeblurr January 11, 2011 at 8:08 am

I'm sorry for your loss, Lori – my thoughts are with you and your family. Mrs Woog expressed it better than i could http://www.woogsworld.com/2011/01/no-words-left.html

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Sarah January 11, 2011 at 8:06 am

We will catch you when you fall & carry you when you feel like you can't go on.

Love you lots xx

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toushka January 11, 2011 at 8:03 am

not strange at all that you are writing here. I can't find the words to express how much I am saddened by Tony's passing. I have cried so much. Sending all the love and light and hugs from my family to yours. This support will continue Lori, because I know the nightmare continues for you. I think as a community we are holding out our arms to catch you as best we can. As cheesy as that sounds – it's true.

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Linda January 11, 2011 at 8:02 am

It's all been said, and beautifully. So all I can add is that I am here too. xo

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Ebonie’s Mummy January 11, 2011 at 8:01 am

I'm so sorry to hear this Lori.
My heart is heavy, my eyes filled with tears.
I am praying that you and you're beautiful children get through this, you're a strong amazing woman.
xx

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Being Me January 11, 2011 at 7:59 am

Lori, all my heartfelt love to you. Writing doesn't seem weird to me at all. You must continue to do what feels right for you during these next months. Keep listening to your inward voice. xxxxxx

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Giving Back Girl January 11, 2011 at 7:57 am

Lori, I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your Tony. You have my love, my strength and my thoughts. Write what you want, what you need to, let writing be one of your comforts, we are all quietly here for you. Kia kaha.

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Miscellaneous-Mum January 11, 2011 at 7:55 am

Leaving you my love. May this blogging space provide you with all the support and solace you need. x

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allysmama January 11, 2011 at 7:55 am

Lori,
You are all in my thoughts and prayers! Keep doing anything that helps you cope. Write, scream, hug your children! Please know that although I'm in the US, I'll be here to catch you!
Shelly

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Accidental Earth Mother January 11, 2011 at 7:54 am

I am deeply saddened for you and your family, Lori. My thoughts are with you. You have a wonderful community around you to support you, you will get through this!

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Kelly January 11, 2011 at 7:45 am

Lori, I'm leaving you love. I am so, so sorry for what you're going through and if blogging gives you some sort of solace, then by all means continue.

You're in my thoughts.

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trash January 11, 2011 at 7:44 am

Yes Lori, you are right. It is simply one foot in front of the other. Survival now is all. Cry hard,rage, shout, remember vividly and take the support your cyber-community offers.

My thoughts are with you and your babies.

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Cate January 11, 2011 at 7:43 am

Oh Lori,

I'm so, so sorry. Keep breathing, keep writing and keep hugging your little ones.

Wishing you God's peace at this time.

xxx

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Christie January 11, 2011 at 7:43 am

Lori we are not here to judge you, you grieve in the only way you know how and the best way for you. We are here for support, I am here for support and I know you are strong, but I wish you more strength and peace as you continue your journey. With love, Christie xx

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Claire Marie January 11, 2011 at 7:42 am

My prayers are with you and your family… I am so sorry for your loss. You are strong, and you have a strong support system behind you to help you through the times ahead. I am so thankful that you have a place like this to share your feelings, and I pray that you will always use it and be comforted.

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•´.¸¸.•¨¯`♥.Trish.♥´¯¨•.¸¸.´• January 11, 2011 at 7:39 am

Lori – I am so sorry that Tony passed away. No words can bring the comfort you need right now.
Love,light & strength for you and your precious babes. x

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Amy xxoo January 11, 2011 at 7:31 am

love, love, love and more love for you and your children Lori.
And you know how you said you were going to ride the waves? Well when you get tired of the pain, ride the waves of support you have here, and elsewhere. I can almost promise you they'll make for a much better ride…

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Corinne – Daze of My Life January 11, 2011 at 7:24 am

Lori, I can't express how sorry I am for you and your two gorgeous kids. The one thing that stands out in my memory of meeting you is your warmth and kindness.

I'm sure you are surrounded by friends and family who love and care for you at this time, but as Eden said, use your writing and the support of the cyber community to help you get through this. You said that Tony knew this was 'your place' and it is. When we met, we talked about how we blogged because it's therapeutic. And it is. So I completely understand why you're writing. Keep writing. Even if you don't hit that publish button.

If you need anything at all, please just say the word. xxx

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Amy January 11, 2011 at 7:22 am

We're here, Lori. Sending you enormous amounts of love.
xx

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Donna January 11, 2011 at 7:19 am

With tears streaming, feeling your pain, I read this post and my heart breaks for you. I know you are strong, the countless blogs of yours before show me such an inner strength within you. This community adores you, we will never let you suffer in silence.
And above all, please, keep writing. May it act as a balm to your searing soul and release the pressure from within. Your Tony will be proud, we are all proud. You are brave and beautiful and we walk with you every second to help ease the pain xx

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Angie Cross January 11, 2011 at 7:11 am

sending you so much love and healing vibes. Praying that you find reserves of strength you never knoew you possessed to get you and your kids through this terrible time. xxxxxxx

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Tenille @ Help!Mum January 11, 2011 at 7:10 am

Much love to you Lori. Eden is right; one breath at a time.

It isn't at all strange that you've come here to write. You've always been very honest with us, and you know we're here to support you. Take care, and hold your babies close. xox

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Kate January 11, 2011 at 7:10 am

Oh Lori you have been given a very heavy cross to bear so let as many people as possible help you carry it. Your children are very lucky to have such a strong mum to bring them through this – I just hope you have someone strong to lean on too. Sending you love and prayers. Kate

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Stinky January 11, 2011 at 7:09 am

I am so so sorry, I don't know you and I just jumped on a link from another blog.
I woke up this morning feeling a rather large panic about Mr Stinky and this sort of thing, so while I can't profess to know how you are feeling, I am sat here with tears reading your last week.
I'm sending love for now and the next however long for you and your kids.
Big big love

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sprinkles January 11, 2011 at 7:03 am

I am so, so very sorry for your loss.

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Anonymous January 11, 2011 at 6:55 am

Sending you and your little ones much love, I'm so very sorry.

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Sarah M. January 11, 2011 at 6:49 am

Oh Lori, I am so sorry. I have been thinking about you and your family since I first read about this. You are amazingly strong and you will get through this with your amazing kids by your side.

Here is all the love I can send you. Stay strong.

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Negrita January 11, 2011 at 6:42 am

Much love to you and your beautiful babies Lori….May you find some sort of solace in the messages we leave, and may Tony's love guide you through this horrible living nightmare. You are so very very strong and i will take with me from this tradgedy your strength and determination

Lots of love to you beautiful lady
Gill
xx

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emmaincanada January 11, 2011 at 6:33 am

Lori, I don't even know what to say. I had just found your blog a week or so before this, and took the opportunity to follow you on Twitter. I was thrilled to get a follow back! I think one my worst fears has just become your reality, but I have seen your strength over the last few posts, and I know you will make it, with help and support from your family and friends, and yes, this amazing virtual community we are all a part of.

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WittyUsername January 11, 2011 at 6:24 am

To my high school best friend,
I have cyber stalker this page as well as Emma's like a creep, wishing, hoping, praying.
You do not need a miracle, my sweet, you have the astounding strength and calm that I notice radiates from you.
You found your calling as a Mother, it replaced the teenage Lori I knew, with the enlightened Women you have become.
Use every medium you wish to your aid, my hands are another set, still ready to soften the fall.
Love always KT Greco

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Amelia January 11, 2011 at 6:23 am

Lori you are so strong. I truly admire your bravery. And I'm so sorry this has happened to you. My thoughts are with you and your little ones. Love and Light xx

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Baino January 11, 2011 at 6:18 am

Lori I'm so sorry. I came over from River's blog, she's a dear blogfriend and posted about Tony losing his fight. I was widowed (still can't stand that word) at 30 with a 2 year old and a 4 year old and the pain is horrendous. You're right, life goes on and children need their mother but right now, it's an awful ordeal and my heart goes out to you. Rely on good people around you to help you through this. I'm very sorry for your loss.

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Stephanie January 11, 2011 at 6:14 am

I am a stranger, new to your blog, via a tweet from a mutual friend, and my heart is broken for you. Many prayers and many hugs and most of all, lots of love to you and your family.

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Pamela January 11, 2011 at 6:12 am

I don't know your back story but I was referred here from Twitter and wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss.

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~*Jess*~ January 11, 2011 at 6:10 am

Lots of prayers and love for you and your family.

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Lolaferrola January 11, 2011 at 6:08 am

So sorry for your tragic loss.x

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The Clip Cafe January 11, 2011 at 5:27 am

We have all been waiting and I am so glad even through your heart ache you have taken the time to come here. Everyone is thinking of you and sending you love. Tony will still be alive in memories and funny stories you will tell the children. But I know your heart is broken right now and I am crying along side you. **hugs**

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Jenn @ South of Sheridan January 11, 2011 at 5:12 am

saying "i'm sorry for your loss" just doesn't seem enough. My heart is breaking for you and your family. Sending love and prayers your way. *hugs*

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Bernadette Rego January 11, 2011 at 5:04 am

Lori, I'm sitting here in my home in Canada reading this feeling so saddened. I am also a SAHM and have two wee ones. I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through at this moment. I am so very sorry that your Tony is gone. If there is anything I am taking comfort in right now it's that you have such a supportive community of friends on this blog and you have two little ones who will continue to give you so much reason to forge ahead each day.
Please keep writing as it seems that it will play a big part in the healing process for you. You know that you are being listened to and cared about even as far as Canada.

Sending you and your little ones much caring thoughts and feeling hopeful that things will get better as impossible as it may seem at this moment.

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Ratz January 11, 2011 at 5:01 am

Oh Lori, I am so sorry. I wish I had some right words but these words are for you:

"Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, love and life are stronger than death."- Anonymous

Hugs to you and your kids. You will be in my prayers.

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Kimberly January 11, 2011 at 4:59 am

There is nothing that I can say to you my sweet friend to ease the pain that you are feeling. Know that I am praying that God graces you with strength and peace to make it one step at a time.
Know that I am here for you. Lean on me my friend.
xoxo

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theboyandme January 11, 2011 at 4:57 am

My heart goes out to you, I can't imagine how you feel. Huge love and support for your impossible situation.

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Good Golly Miss Holly! January 11, 2011 at 3:31 pm

Lori, I have a post up in your honour. In honour of the wonderful man who was your husband.

I won't pretend I can understand how you are feeling but just know that I am here for you in any and every way possible. You are one of us, and we don't let our own suffer in silence. We will be behind you every step of the way.

Much love to you, Chop and Bump x0

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Tash January 11, 2011 at 3:27 pm

Dear Lori
I am new to your blog but have been following the news through bellybelly. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you and your children.

As someone recently bereaved I have some idea of the chokingly horrendous pain you are in now. There is no getting over grief. Sadly we just have to muddle through. I hope all the love and support you have helps you get through each hour and day ahead.

Write, scream, cry, do whatever you have to. Thinking of you
Tash, Melbourne

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Jodi Gibson January 11, 2011 at 3:17 pm

I am so sorry Lori. I only recently found your blog, but your strength and honesty is just amazing. I am sending you and your babies love and strength during this time that really no words can do justice.
xxxx

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planb January 11, 2011 at 4:13 am

As you say: one foot in front of the other, one second at a time, one tear and then the next. They're cliches Lori, but you will get through. We are thinking of you, and if you can be strong for someone you've never met on the other side of the world, we are being strong for you.

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L. Avery Brown January 11, 2011 at 4:04 am

Lori,

I cannot begin to tell you how terribly shocked I was to find out about your loss. I know this is an amazingly difficult time for you and you're probably wondering how or if you'll ever be able to smile again…but you will. It will take time for the shock to wear off and for the whole grieving process to work its way from A to Z but it will happen.

You mentioned that you wondered if people might think you were odd for writing at this time. But I don't because there's something quite theraputic about 'seeing' all the thoughts that are running around like mad in our heads.

So write all you want. We understand. And when you don't want to write or simply don't think you can ever write again…we'll understand that, too and we'll be patient for you because we know that deep down inside the bright flame that danced around all the joyful posts you offered the world will burn bright once more…in time.

We're all here for you…hundreds of us from all around the globe are here for you; to lend you our ears to hear you and our virtual shoulders to cry upon. Take all the time you need to grieve and please know that you are never alone.

Cordially,
L. Avery Brown

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marketingtomilk January 11, 2011 at 3:48 am

Write your heart out Lori, we are here, we are listening.

M2Mx

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TheMadHouse January 11, 2011 at 3:33 am

No magic words, I am sorry for your loss

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Karen January 11, 2011 at 3:32 am

Oh, Lori, I'm sitting here in stunned disbellief of what you've just told us-your precious life mate is gone!
So here is the love I leave:
Jesus, gather Lori and her 2 little ones close to Your tender heart. Rock them gently in Your almighty arms. Dry their tears and guide them through this valley of the shadow of death. Send folks across their path who will comfort them with comfort only You can give. And let them be caught up in Your peace that passes understanding. Amen.

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patty January 11, 2011 at 3:31 am

i'm a friend of cate's and so very, very sorry for your loss. love2u.

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Mamapumpkin January 11, 2011 at 3:28 am

I haven't read your blog(yet) and I've never met you but my hand is here for you to hold should you ever need it, for anything. Please, just ask.

No words can ever describe the pain but you will continue. I know you know you will.

In the meantime, here's a hug if you would allow me; and the transfer of solid strength to continue. I'll be checking back on you…..trust that God will make everything ok. He had a reason for needing Tony right now.

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Rebecca January 11, 2011 at 3:08 am

I'm sorry for your loss, Lori — my thoughts are with you and your family.

xoxo

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FiringOnAllSyllables January 11, 2011 at 2:03 pm

I am so sorry for your devastating loss. I can't imagine what you're going through. My thoughts are with you and your beautiful children. *lots of hugs* x

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autumnraven January 11, 2011 at 2:59 am

I'd write too. It's source of power in an otherwise powerless situation. My thoughts are with you.

Raven

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Lauren January 11, 2011 at 2:54 am

I am so sorry for your loss, Lori. I am praying so fervently for you and your family. You are a strong woman and a great mother. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time.

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Gina January 11, 2011 at 2:34 am

My heart goes out to you and your family. You are in my thoughts. xxxxx

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Anonymous January 11, 2011 at 2:22 am

Lori… *love* *hugs* *prayers for peace*

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JulieCottle January 11, 2011 at 2:08 am

I have no idea what to say Lori, I'm so sorry for the loss you've had, all you've had to endure over the past few days and the tough road ahead of you. You're strength and resilience is obvious but know that it's OK for strong people to fall to pieces too. You have a tightly woven net of people pulled tight to catch you as you fall and many arms to help you up when you're ready.

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Julie January 11, 2011 at 2:08 am

Lori, I am so very sorry for your terrible loss, I just found your blog last week, you and Tony made beautiful babies, hold on to them tightly, he lives on through them. Sending you kind thoughts from Ireland, Julie x

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Dazee Dreamer January 11, 2011 at 2:02 am

Lori, I'm am so, so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

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edenland January 11, 2011 at 2:00 am

I'm weeping so hard for you that the bed is shaking.

It's not fair.

I'm here ….. look at all the people here, now, for you. Please keep writing through it, it's possibly what will help you most of all right now.

Oh love. Hold on. One breath at a time. Hug your babies.

Sometimes, there is just no sense to be made. So many of us are holding you up in our hearts and our thoughts.

XOXOXOX

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Deer Baby January 11, 2011 at 1:55 am

Lori – I am so, so sorry. Sending you love across the oceans.

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Megs January 11, 2011 at 1:40 am

Lori, I am feeling for you, Can't imagine the size of the hole in the middle of your chest, but try and fill it with your beautiful children, they are your link to Tony and they will be there to guide you when you just don't think you can go on, and they will smile when you feel like crap and just a bit of that smile will be Tony smiling up at you. As you said, put one foot in front of the other and and hold on to all these arms for support. xxx Megs

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Marion Williams-Bennett January 11, 2011 at 1:39 am

You will do it. You don't have to know how, just that you will.

Love to you and your family.

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul.
And sings the tune
Without the words,
and never stops at all.
–Emily Dickinson

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Laura Bullock January 11, 2011 at 1:39 am

Lori, I learned of your crisis from a Twitter acquaintance. I have followed your blog across the ocean, from here in NY, hoping for a miracle. I am so very sorry for your loss. My sympathies and condolences to you and your children and the rest of your family. Thinking of you often.

Laura

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EmmaK January 11, 2011 at 1:37 am

This is your space and just let it all out. We are thinking of you. Sending hugs to you and your kids.

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Journeywoman January 11, 2011 at 1:36 am

I am so So very sorry. I can't imagine this loss.

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In Real Life January 11, 2011 at 1:26 am

Sending love and hugs.

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Colin Wee January 11, 2011 at 1:25 am

Lori, let me know if there is anything I can do for you. Happy to help in any way I can. My prayers and sympathy are with you. Colin

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Glowless @ Where’s My Glow January 11, 2011 at 1:14 am

I'm so sorry for your loss, Lori. And for Bump & Chop's loss.

Your strength through this is inspiring.

You have thousands of arms here, waiting to catch you. We'll be ready.

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mummabear1970 January 11, 2011 at 1:12 am

Lori, I just checked into the blogging world tonight and read your sad sad news. I am so sorry. I am glad you have found some solace in writing about your experiences and feelings. You have so many comment already from your online friends – I hope all this love will help you ride this wave and that you will continually ask for such support in the future. Sending hugs to you and your babies……xx

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Wanderlust January 11, 2011 at 1:12 am

Lori, I hardly know what to say. I'm so broken up for you. But I'll try.

I'm so terribly sorry for everything you have endured. I hold you in love and peace and comfort, constantly.

Strength is a beautiful quality, and you have it in droves. It will see you through this. I think it's important, when you have the opportunity, to allow yourself to let go, as you have said, and let those around you be strong. You need to let go for a while and just heal.

We are here, your safety net. If you fall, we will catch you. If you break, together we will put the pieces back together. We will remain by your side through all of this.

Love you so much Lori. I wish I were there with you. Someday, I will be. xoxoxo

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runnyyolk January 11, 2011 at 1:06 am

I'm so, so sorry.

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bekkles January 11, 2011 at 1:03 am

More love from a new friend in the blogosphere. It is obvious you really are loved.I hope it can help you through your living hell. I am so sorry

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A Country Wife January 11, 2011 at 1:01 am

Oh my goodness Lori, I am so so so sorry to hear your devastating news. How I wish there was more we could do for you :(

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Circus Princess January 11, 2011 at 12:59 am

Sending you lots and lots of love, found my way here via The Miss Ruby, and just wanted to tell you how unimaginably sorry I am for your loss!

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Kevin January 11, 2011 at 12:58 am

Lori, I don't know what to say. I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you solace in knowing that you and your family have been in our thoughts and prayers. It just doesn't seem enough.
Much love, Kevin

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Girl From the Ville January 11, 2011 at 12:55 am

Lori – You have been in my thoughts and prayers every minute of every day. I am so sorry that Tony could not stay. I will continue to uphold you and your babies in my thoughts and prayers.

Know how loved you are here and also in the BB community. We have all been thinking of you.

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Anonymous January 11, 2011 at 12:51 am

More than Love Lori, More than words.
It's like soul reaching out to soul, to hold you up with the energy created by the most enormous outpouring of love, compassion and empathy.

Can you feel it?

xxLisa

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Kakka January 11, 2011 at 12:46 am

It seems so natural to find you here, writing, sharing, being honest. It seems so natural to know that you find release here, writing, sharing being honest. I know you will find the inner strength to take one step at a time. Wish it didn't have to be this way for you, or for bump or for chop … but life is not always what we expect. I am so sorry you have lost your soulmate, your friend, your love. Hugs from Perth xxx

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I’m So Fancy January 11, 2011 at 12:43 am

I cannot imagine what you are going through and just hope that your family finds peace and eventually happiness at the time you did have together. Just when you don't think you can go on, you will.

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Evonne January 11, 2011 at 12:42 am

Oh Lori, I'm so sorry. I know he's at peace, but that doesn't make it any easier. Just take things one step at a time and please don't forget to take care of yourself through all of this.

Love and hugs!

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april January 11, 2011 at 12:37 am

we are here. we care. we are so so sorry and have no words. love. much love you are braver than I ever could be.

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Tammy January 11, 2011 at 12:34 am

Lori, I am so very very sorry that you are facing this, that your husband has gone.. may he be resting in peace….
Thinking of you, your children and all family and friends at this tragic time.

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Teacher Mommy January 11, 2011 at 12:26 am

I am sorry beyond words. Love and peace to you and yours.

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Pundelina January 11, 2011 at 12:26 am

I'm so very sorry for your loss Lori – words are completely inadequate.

lovelovelove

x

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Cate January 11, 2011 at 12:22 am

Lori, sometimes when I leave rambling comments on your blog at 2am it's because I need a good laugh. And your blog has been there for me. It has brought a little sunshine into a dark corner. I want to give that sunshine back now – you need it more than me. So I'm lighting a candle for you…don't let the stormy darkness hold you down…
xxxCate

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Joni Llanora January 11, 2011 at 12:22 am

You can find the strength within, Lori.

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Miss Ruby January 11, 2011 at 12:17 am

I am sorry, beyond that I really have no other words because what you're going through, what you're feeling – well I can't even begin to imagine.

Know that you're in my thoughts, in all our thoughts, know that you're not alone, know that when you need to lean, we'll all be here to support you, unconditionally…know that you are loved by so many, even people you've never even heard of…

~x~

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Barbara January 11, 2011 at 12:17 am

Ah Lori, this is a truly sad day. I'm so sorry that you've lost your Tony. I'm sending you as much strength as I can to help you get through the days to come.

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BuBbles January 11, 2011 at 12:15 am

My heart is so heavy hearing of your pain and distraught. Take care Lori and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. x.

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Mummy McTavish January 11, 2011 at 12:15 am

Lori, my heart is aching for you. This community is here for you, whatever we can do, we will!
This blog has been where you have shared everything so it makes sense to want to write here now. Some you will hit publish, some you will keep for yourself and your precious children.
I have been and will continue to pray for you and your little ones, for comfort, for solace and for support.

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Mumeroo January 11, 2011 at 12:14 am

Lori

My tears flow with all the others at your great loss.

In those moments when you feel alone, know that we are all thinking of you, and are here for you.

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Anonymous January 11, 2011 at 12:09 am

Lori, my heart breaks for you. I also lost the father of my little girl, and I promise you, yes, it hurts like fuck, but one day it will hurt just a bit less, and you will smile again xxxxxxxxxx

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Anonymous January 11, 2011 at 12:09 am

Lori
I am so very very sorry to hear you devastating news …May you gather all the strength you have left inside and give yours babies the love and memories of their precious daddy..

Thinking of you all at this sad sad time
Teena

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Kylie January 11, 2011 at 12:08 am

Yes you are strong, but until you can stand by yourself again, lean on us. Virtually, literally, whatever you need. My heart breaks for you and your kids tonight. I wish I knew you to drive to where you are are hug you. All I can offer is my virtual support – whenever you need it. Know hundreds, maybe thousands of us around the world tonight hold you, Tony and the kids in our hearts. We are here for you.

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Sugarkane January 11, 2011 at 12:01 am

Lori, to you and your family I am so sorry for your loss…sending you love and strength. You are all in my thoughts x

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Taryn January 11, 2011 at 12:01 am

So sorry for your loss Lori. Hold your little people close. You still have him. In them. x

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Nomita January 11, 2011 at 12:00 am

Lori – I don't know you but came across your blog. I am so, so sorry for your loss. I pray for you and your little ones.

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myrelish January 10, 2011 at 11:59 pm

Lori you are an amazing beautiful strong and wonderful person. Please know that you are surrounded by love and we are here to support you and to pick you up when you need it.
Love and hugs to you and your family, now and always.

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transplantedx3 January 10, 2011 at 11:57 pm

You are right where you belong – because you're right – this is your community. Some know you well, some have just met you. ALL will stand by you as you navigate the road ahead. Hugs and love for you and your little ones.
~Amy

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Jaz January 10, 2011 at 11:53 pm

Thinking of you and your family Lori. xo

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Anonymous January 10, 2011 at 11:52 pm

Love, Love, Love….from a stranger xx

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Second Time Mummy January 10, 2011 at 11:52 pm

Tears are streaming down my face, my heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry for your loss. xxxx

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samanthacurrie.com January 10, 2011 at 11:48 pm

he is with you and your little ones forever, hold them close, they will help you through. xxx

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lalibelulle January 10, 2011 at 11:46 pm

Love, strength and light for you and your tiny ones, Lori. xxxxxx

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Jennifer Kay January 10, 2011 at 11:45 pm

I would be right here too if I were in the same situation…sad but glad you can now move on intstead of being in limbo with the fear of the unknown. Hold your babies tight.

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Susan, Mum to Molly January 10, 2011 at 11:43 pm

As one of possibly many who had never read your blog before hearing about the gate sof hell opening for you (via kim @ allconsuming)…

I am very sorry to hear that this has happened to you & your family, so suddenly and unexpectedly.

We are thinking of you and our hearts go out to you, and will be sending you strength over the coming days and weeks.

I have a list of books about death & grief for your littles, if that would help I can email it… otherwise send a friend to your local library or go to http://www.capersbookstore.com.au/category.asp?cid=33&t;=On+grief+and+loss+

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Corrie January 10, 2011 at 11:42 pm

Lori,

I haven't been able to stop thinking about you and like so many other mummy bloggers wish we could make all of this go away and bring Tony back to you.

you are so brave and strong already. You are already talking about putting one foot in front of the other.

take strength from all of the love that is around you, you are not doing this alone, we're all here for you and wishing we could take your pain away. Please sleep tonight and stay strong for your little ones. I won't stop praying for you Lori, none of us will.

Corrie
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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Kymmie January 10, 2011 at 11:42 pm

Sending you so much love. I just wish I could give it to you in person, and in meals and babysitting.

http://kympiez.blogspot.com/2011/01/destination-unknown.html

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Alison Triffett – Style Counsel January 10, 2011 at 11:41 pm

Oh Lori. Words fail me. I feel such sadness for you, and at the same time completely useless to be able to ease even a smidgeon of the pain you are feeling. You are stronger than you know, though. And the pain of loss is the worst pain imaginable. Be kind to you and allow yourself whatever you need to do to get thru this. You know you are loved by so many in this little community and hopefully whatever support we can offer will be of some comfort. You are never alone…

Al xx

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Michelle Twin Mum January 10, 2011 at 11:41 pm

Oh (((Lori))) my love I am so sorry that you have lost Tony.

I will continue to pray for you and your family. You are a wonderful woman and you do exactly what feels right for you now.

With love, Mich x

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Kimmie January 10, 2011 at 11:41 pm

No words, just hugs
xxx

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Bianca January 10, 2011 at 11:41 pm

I am so sorry. I don't have any words.
Love and light for you and your babies. x

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Anonymous January 10, 2011 at 11:40 pm

Sorry for your loss. Said a prayer for your Tony, for you and your family.

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Farmers Wifey January 10, 2011 at 11:40 pm

My lovely friend, you have a million arms encircling you, mine are there, intertwined with the others to protect you….

I wish I could do something for you….we will always be here for you xxxxxxxx

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House of Dust and Fur January 10, 2011 at 11:40 pm

*Hugs* for you and your family Lori. B. xox

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Kelly January 10, 2011 at 11:39 pm

My heart breaks for you, so sorry to hear of your sad news ♥

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DanniiBeauty January 10, 2011 at 11:39 pm

My heart goes out to you. You are a strong woman and know that we are here for you. One step at a time….. xx

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Blocks and Knocks January 10, 2011 at 11:39 pm

So very saddened by your loss:( You are amazing. Your kids are amazing. Sending you love xx

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cjtato January 10, 2011 at 11:39 pm

I am so sorry to read your news. I wished upon every star that the outcome would be so very different for you and your family.

One second at a time, one breath at a time, one foot in front of the other. That is all you need to do right now.

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Missy Boo January 10, 2011 at 11:38 pm

I understand your need to write, in my darkest hours writing and the online community buoyed me. Lots of love xoxox

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deardarl January 10, 2011 at 11:38 pm

I've been following your story for the past few days….. I've had to ride those same waves of grief for a husband and father gone too soon.

The writing helps.
The writing helps so many of us widowed before out time.

and sometimes, when it gets so hard to even breathe, please know that I am sending you big hugs and a wad of tissues.
XA

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Glen January 10, 2011 at 11:37 pm

Truly sorry for your loss.

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suburp January 10, 2011 at 11:35 pm

LOVE, Lori! You have it in you, it surrounds you and it will always be there. xox it's your light ok xox

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Annieb25 January 10, 2011 at 11:34 pm

You are strong & beautiful and brave. Crying a river for you. xxx

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Veggie Mama January 10, 2011 at 11:34 pm

We're here. Whatever you need. We won't forget.

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Felicity January 10, 2011 at 11:34 pm

There is a big bloggy blanket of love and compassion wrapped around you Lori. You and your family have been ever-present in my thoughts since your first post about Tony and foremost in my prayers.

x F

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AussieYogaChic January 10, 2011 at 11:34 pm

One foot in front of the other Lori. I'm here, if you need anything!!! money, baby sitting whatever, reach out to the twitter community, we are here and listening. We're here. We're here. As you come out of the fog and into the realisation, we are here.

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Veronica January 10, 2011 at 11:33 pm

Honey, I understand entirely the need to write. Some things just need out.

Love to you, and strength. I wish for you peaceful sleep and an easy waking tomorrow and enough strength to do what needs doing.

xxx

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Suz January 10, 2011 at 11:32 pm

You are amazing Lori. You can do it and you will and we will be here to catch you, help you, walk with you xx

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Anonymous January 10, 2011 at 11:32 pm

Keep going one step at a time, and when u need to rest we will carry you xxx Jb

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Michelle January 10, 2011 at 11:31 pm

****LOVE*****
ready to catch you beautiful
xoxoxoxoxo

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Thea January 10, 2011 at 11:31 pm

Oh Lori…you amazing lady. xxxxx

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Melissa *Suger Coat It* January 10, 2011 at 11:30 pm

Oh Lori. It makes perfect sense to me that you are here. And yes you are strong. And we are strong. We will stand behind you.

My love to you all.

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Mrs Woog January 11, 2011 at 10:30 am

Lori, You know I am here for you at all times if you need me. I will be in touch next week when I get back and you have had some time. I have not stopped thinking about you. Take some time to stop and rest and hug those special bundles of yours.
xox

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nellbe January 10, 2011 at 11:30 pm

Leaving you love Lori, you are strong but I am still leaving truckloads of love to you and your family.

We are here for you xx

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Kim H January 11, 2011 at 9:56 am

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your children, Lori. I'm only new here but I know that I'll be back.I'm so drawn to your voice and your blog and your honesty and your guts for sharing such intimate parts of your life. I'm so glad that you can find release in writing and blogging. It's such a wonderful outlet and the support here is unbelieveable. The blogging community is such a wonderful and tight-knit community. That is soooo obvious from all of these lovely responses. I hope that you will gain strength and support from that and take one day at a time.Much love to you xx

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Madmother January 11, 2011 at 9:30 am

My sweet, we are here and will continue to be here. I know you are surrounded by support and love and will take a step back for now, but I am here always.

I understand the writing, it is the best therapy you can have.
Take care, much love, and I'll be here to catch you anytime. xx

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Emily January 11, 2011 at 9:15 am

Stay strong. You will get through this! x

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avis2500 January 11, 2011 at 8:44 am

ps: sconeonamission

Rhianon xx

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avis2500 January 11, 2011 at 8:43 am

Oh Lori. My heart goes out to you and your children xx Words seem so hollow, but I'll try my best. If there's anything I can do from up here, let me know…

stay strong.
Rhianon xx

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Mumstrosity January 11, 2011 at 8:17 am


(¯`·.·´¯) (¯`·.·´¯)
`·.¸(¯`·.·´¯)¸ .·
×°× ` ·.¸.·´ ×°×

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Keshia January 11, 2011 at 8:01 am

Lori, when things are getting tough, just close your eyes and you will see 100's of us standing beside you, ready to hold your hold, ready to catch you.

Stay strong precious one, lean on us when needed we are here, always. xxx

Love Keshia xx

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Eva Gallant January 11, 2011 at 1:14 am

Oh, Lori, I am so sorry. Hugs to you and your little ones. Know that Tony will be watching over you from above.

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life and the little things… January 11, 2011 at 1:04 am

Lori, i'm sending you bucket loads of love and prayers for strength to get you through the next few days and the next steps in your life. The writing will definitely help…let it out, let those emotions out, it is a comfort.
I only just discovered your blog via a link on Life in a Pink Fibro's Jacaranda Blue post, I'm so glad I did, now i can add to the well wishes sent your way via bloggy land. Hang on in there. Big hugs from a fellow Black Dog owner. Alison xxoo

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Rhi@FlourChild January 11, 2011 at 12:57 am

I feel so so sad for you Lori. Sending you love from Belgium. x

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Cat Bensein January 11, 2011 at 12:42 am

You and your family are in my thoughts x

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This Mid 30s Life January 11, 2011 at 12:15 am

Lori I don't have the right words, but I just want to say you have touched so many people around the world. You'll get through this because you have no choice, but you are strong and I'm sure that will help. I'm thinking of you and your children. Much love to you. xx

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Denyse January 11, 2011 at 12:15 am

Vale Tony..a man loved and treasured by his lovely Lori and two beautiful babies.
His days with you are shortened..but yet Tony is with you, each step you take – one at a time. His children have you and his love.
Lori, this place..the blog..the writing spot..is your sanctuary as well as a door to open.
You do the choosing… at times you will write, and only to Tony. He will love those words, and understand the words of anger and grief too.
Then, when you need that bloggy blankie to surround you…here is where you hang out and we are here for you in so many ways.
The Blogging and Tweeting and Real Life community will want to help. Let them.
They dont need to wait and see.
They need to do.
And its happening already.

Love and kind thoughts to you, as you make your head lie on a pillow of comfort with someone there to help you…family and friends I am hoping.

Denyse. A ret Teacher, Mum of 32 yo & 39yo
Grandma to 7.Wife of 40 y to Bernard who has PD and more.
I live in Sydney and you can always DM me for any help..don't wish to intrude more at this stage. XXXX

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Mrs BC January 10, 2011 at 11:48 pm

I am so sorry that this has happened to you & your little ones, I cannot imagine what you must be going through. Sending all the strength I can. Hopefully when the fog lifts a little you can think of something practical we can do.
big hugs
Mrs BC
xx

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kzz1 January 10, 2011 at 11:44 pm

Write away. Just keep writing until it makes you feel better. Xxxxx

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Marthese January 10, 2011 at 11:41 pm

I do not know you Lori…but you have touched quite a few people and I am sure that you are feeling the love that a lot of this blogging community…you are in my prayers…and somehow you will override this with your 2 beautiful kids..Your husband and father although not here in person will always be there to guide you in spirit…Thinking of you xxx

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Toni January 10, 2011 at 11:32 pm

I'm sitting here with tears running down my face, Lori. I'm just so so sorry.
The measure of support you have from the blogging community is a measure of how much you've touched peoples' hearts and lives with your blog.
Know that we love you, that we continue to pray for you, that we have our arms out to catch you.
xxx

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I Believe In Fairies – RRSAHM

I Believe In Fairies

by Lori Dwyer on September 22, 2010 · 14 comments

Tinkle tinkle,

I totally believe in fairies. In fact, I like to call myself a fairytarian. I tirelessly campaign for the fairy’s tiny, sparkly little rights. Not to mention their safety and longevity. Everytime you unFollow a blog, a fairy dies, remember? I’ve also been known to provide local fairies with gainful employment.

But don’t hold that against me.

Whatever. As a kid, I was that type of little girl who was convinced that not only did fairies exist, but if I could just find one, we would be the best of friends. (Yeah, I was kind of a lonely kid, OK?)

Taking that into consideration- the fairy love, not the loserness- I found myself thoroughly enchanted with the new Disney movie 
Tinkerbell: The Great Fairy Rescue.

Remember, I mentioned I saw this one at the movies, waaaay back when, with Brenda? Well, the cinema run is finished, but the DVD is available to own on September 15th. Not that I need to buy one, because *ahem* Tinkerbell herself sent me a free copy to review. True. Kinda. Scroll on down, she may have even left a copy for you!

I also took my mate Auntie Mickey to the movies with me. Because she is my blog groupie and likes free stuff. And she loves Tinks. She even managed to fill Brenda and I in on all the different fairies, their names and what they do. For the record, my favorite is Rosetta, the garden fairy with the Deep South accent who “doesn’t do mud”. Priceless.

While we’re on the topic, even as an airy fairy little kid, I wasn’t into Tinkerbell. Let’s face it, in the Peter Pan movie she was down right nasty to Wendy. And she always seemed a bit aloof. I think it’s because she tinkled instead of talked.

But not anymore. Tinkerbell now has a voice, an attitude and an occupation. She’s a Tinker fairy, a fixer of things who is clever and gets her hands dirty.

Tinkerbell has come a long way. She’s left Barbie for dust, really.

Anyways. For little girls who think snapdragons are fairy hats, and beads of dew their mirrors, this movie is exquisite. The little fairy community is so intricate and cute- the fiairies paint butterflies and bees with their patterns, and make Queen Anne’s Lace on a loom. Every tiny detail is accounted for and it’s beautifully done.

Naturally, the movie would be a bit boring if something didn’t go awry. Tink and her mates are adventurous and cheeky. Throw into the mix a little girl called Lizzie with a delightful British accent and an obsession with fairies, and her father who collects *gasp* butterflies (very dead ones, at that) and I think you can see where this is going.

The verdict? Little girls will love this movie. My almost-three-year-old little boy loved this movie, as did my one year old. Hey, I loved this movie. It has that delightful Disneyfictaion, where it’s funny enough for adults, but goes right over the little one’s heads. Watch out for the obese cat high on cat nap. Hysterical. In fact, I’m giving this a very yummy four out of a possible five jellybeans on the RRSAHM-ranking-stuff-scale.

Now, while it is packed with extra’s, $39.95 is a little bit steep for a kid’s DVD. So I ate half a jellybean. Then I had a good think about things, and decided their is also a distinct lack of celebrity voices in this movie. Slightly disappointing. Unless you count Lucy Lui as a celebrity, which I don’t. Anymore. So I ate the other half a jellybean too. OK? OK.


And because I love you lot just do muchly, I have convinced Tinks to let me have a copy of The Great Fairy Rescue to give away to one lucky RRSAHM reader. All you need to do is leave a comment telling me– What would you do, if you caught a fairy?

Please make sure you leave me an email address. This one is open to Australian and New Zealand residents only, sorry overseas-ers.Entries close Sunday at 8pm, and the winner will be drawn at random and announced on this blog, and by email, on Tuesday.
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Christie September 24, 2010 at 9:37 am

We definitely wanna win this! My poor fairy lover (Miss 5) is overrun with boy dvds in this household.
Okay, if I caught a fairy…I'd let it go, coz that's just mean ya know!
(I might first make her sprinkle "never get gastro again" dust on us all first though)
xx

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MissMandy September 23, 2010 at 8:40 pm

What would I do if I caught a fairy?

If I caught a fairy
It would sure be a delight
First I'd tell my kids
But I'd say "over her you can't fight"

A precious little soul
no doubt we would ponder
how exciting is life
and where you can wonder

But then we'd agree
with plenty of love
to release this sweet fairy
free like a dove!

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Erin September 23, 2010 at 8:09 pm

I'd show my girls, for sure. They're fairy mad :)

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alliecat September 23, 2010 at 5:31 pm

If I caught a fairy, I would show the girls straight away, for educations sake and then immediately release her, it's bad lack to imprison fairies don't you know? They might beckon some goblins to come get her, and that would be very bad karma indeed. Free the fairies!

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Melissa T September 23, 2010 at 4:05 pm

My little girl just loves Tinkerbell and all fairies alike. Today while out gardening she found one of those flowers where you make a wish and blow which is also the flower that Tinkerbell came from. She picked it up and made her wish of " I wish I could become a fairy just like Tinkerbell and my mummy" then after she blew she watched all the little fairies fly off and in her words were heading to Neverland. So I think if she found a fairy, she would want to be just like them.
mel1382@live.com.au

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Melissa T September 23, 2010 at 3:59 pm

My little girl just loves Tinkerbell and all fairies alike. Today while out gardening she found one of those flowers where you make a wish and blow which is also the flower that Tinkerbell came from. She picked it up and made her wish of " I wish I could become a fairy just like Tinkerbell and my mummy" then after she blew she watched all the little fairies fly off and in her words were heading to Neverland. So I think if she found a fairy, she would want to be just like them.

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Corinne September 23, 2010 at 1:51 pm

If I caught a fairy I would train her to clean the house and watch over the kids. I guess that's not a very Disney answer…

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Catherine F. September 23, 2010 at 11:05 am

I have 3 girls and fairies are it – we even made a fairy house in our backgarden, complete with swimming pool, slide (into the pool of course) and trampoline (an old abandoned tennis racquet). We'd gone for a walk in the bush and picked up all sorts of things we thought they'd like and put it all together on a big bit of painted chipboard. Great fun for the holidays!

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Amy xxoo September 23, 2010 at 7:27 am

Ooh – i wanna win!
If i caught a fairy i'd give her to my neices, H and B, because they both love fairies and make the most adorable looking little fairy-children you've ever seen. Then they could have proper fairy tea parties and such, instead of just playing make believe.
However – if i caught me a cleaning fairy, i'd be keeping that one for myself…

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Aussiemumbecc September 23, 2010 at 6:59 am

I would ask her to come back when my daughter was a little (shes 3 months) so she could play with her or take her to see sick kids and boost there spirits :)

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Glen September 23, 2010 at 1:16 am

It is clear to me that you are special … very special…

I'm not eligible to enter but let's just say I have a load of Barbie's bikinis & fetish PVC outfits (from Barbie's darker days in the early eighties) that I stole from my Sister, and I would be getting it to try them on…

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Teacher Mommy September 22, 2010 at 11:33 pm

If I caught a fairy, I'd make her tell me where I can find the elves. Because those are my real obsession. I WANT TO BE ONE.

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Lucy September 22, 2010 at 11:17 pm

I would stoke her wings into shape, and serve her tea from gum nut shells and cherry blossom icecream from jonquil bells…..(can you tell I live and love with two fairies?)

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Eva Gallant September 23, 2010 at 2:05 am

You do the best giveaways. I may have to move to New Zealand to become eligible!

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Black. – RRSAHM

Black.

by Lori Dwyer on March 7, 2013 · 8 comments

“Life is like a pipe,
And I’m a tiny penny rolling up the walls inside…”
Back to Black, Amy Winehouse

***

There’s this particular hopeless kind of melancholy that’s been seeming to wrap around me more and more, lately. I don’t know where it’s come from and I’m not sure what to do with it. I’m not sure if it’s just… cyclic, if it’s just another part (maybe even the tail end?) of the long ebbing process of grieving. I’m not sure if its hormonal or behavioural, or my medication is messing with me; or if it’s low self-esteem, or if my own mind will always be my worst enemy, or it’s just the unwarranted stress of sole parenting…

Or maybe… feeling like this is just the next step up from not feeling anything at all. Because it feels like that, like finding someone who loves me has melted the ice I was existing in, created me from non–entity to real human flesh and blood again. And at first it felt like an acid trip, an ecstasy pill– the whole world was coloured again, sights and sounds and smells embellished and accentuated. And when I’m in the presence of the Most Amazing Man In The Universe, it always still like that. I only see him every few weeks, and when I do it’s the ultimate escapism– I allow the rest of the world to fade away and I drown myself in the scent of his skin. But then he leaves or I leave, one of us always has to leave, and it’s back to this… distasteful reality.

Once the ecstasy of simply being began to pale, there was anger and it hurt to be angry but it felt good because anger is passion, fury is life.

But now that and has burnt off, too, and he’s so much still here but it’s feels like there’s just… this.

Me.

And a burning, crying helplessness that makes the whole world a sad place to be. I know the name for this, I’ve had this before… this is depression and anxiety creeping in, more than grief, and I don’t know if the meds I’m on are helping or making this worse, and it’s a steamroller flat over every day and there’s nothing but anxiety and worry as far as my mind has foresight to think. It makes life irritating. It causes blogging to be difficult because I don’t feel passionately enough to write much about anything, I’m not sure I have the energy to dredge up and recognise emotions at all and all I really want to do is sleep so I don’t have to listen to my own mind anymore and the way it just loops around and around on itself…

***

there is something wrong with you and you are a bad mum and you are a bad person and your children deserve so much better than this and they used to have it so much better than this and you need to get your sh*t together and what the hell are you doing with your life and how long do you think you can keep pretending to be anything and he is going to leave you soon because you will push him away and you are a burden on your family and the people that still love you and it’s no wonder your husband left and that’s your fault too and no matter you do it is not good enough because there is something wrong with you and you are a bad mum and a bad person and your children deserve so much better than this….

***

I wrote this post a few days ago and it was only after reading it back and having a moment of ‘What the actual f*ck?’ that I realised just how bad things had gotten… I don’t want to sink, like this, after so long keeping myself afloat. The more I think about it, the more I put it down to lack of maintenance. I feel safe, loved, for the first time in a long time.  And while letting my guard down is blissful, it’s had the unfortunate side effect of allowing me to be too easy with myself.

And I can be a very lazy creature, by nature, should I let myself be. I can forget to watch myself, watch my thoughts, get enough sleep, take enough time to just be quiet. It’s seems I’ve been underestimating the actual amount of effort it takes to keep myself stable- when I stop concentrating so hard, I feel like I fall to pieces a bit.

Or not. I don’t know. But the last few days, I’ve stopped floating along, skidding down the muddy slippery slope of my own thoughts. I make lists, plan things. I drink water and do yoga and force myself to stop procrastinating, to get things done.

So far… so good. I’ll let you know, of course, how things tumble out from here.

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Sapphyre March 11, 2013 at 4:09 pm

You just keep remembering to look at yourself, Lori. You are right, that’s the key.

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S March 7, 2013 at 10:32 pm

i don’t want to take away from any of the seriousness of the this post or your feelings or presume anything.. but could it be the seasonal lull, the beginning of Autumn, the (in many ways) quieter time of year as it gets cooler on this side of the planet? I know its something I notice in myself and people around me whether they may be aware of it or not. In the least patronising way I can possibly imagine, you sound self aware. And that (to an appropriate extent) is good. And you sound good. x

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Miss Pink March 7, 2013 at 8:55 pm

The worthlessness that you’re feeling couldn’t be further from the truth. You are worth so much to so many, and not a burden at all. Love doesn’t burden, and I really don’t feel you burdened Tony, I just think he just stayed quiet for too long, scared to burden YOU.
Ironic huh? When he has burdened you in the worst possible way by trying not to burden you.

I hope you keep your positive change. It’s far easier to work a little each day, to make lists and try to keep up, sure some days you won’t get as much done as you’d like, but if you keep at it it will be far less daunting than ignoring it all for a few days. And when things are so hard you’re losing that motivation? That’s when you call on your friends and family. We want you to tell us how to help. xx

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Karen Loethen March 7, 2013 at 6:16 pm

Oh man, depression sneaks up on you before you actually realize it. Before you know it, you are (I am) saying mean things to ourselves, feeling nothing, sleeping afternoons away. One day, it hits you, and makes a bit of sense…

For me, it can be as simple as taking an extra hit of antidepressant…

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Manda March 7, 2013 at 12:57 pm

This hit very close to home. I’m not the mum my son deserves either. Not the mum I’d planned to be. Not the woman I’d planned to be. And I waste so much time, sleeping and shutting myself away. All I have learned from this very hard time, is that depression passes. It comes back again, and again, but I have lived through it before so I know when I am at the very bottom, that it passes. I cling to that.

And today there is sunshine, and quiet. It stops me asking what am I doing with my life. Today I am listening to the world turn.

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Sarah March 7, 2013 at 12:29 pm

Hi Lori, I’ve followed your blog for ages now. I never comment, mostly because I have not been through anything remotely akin to what you have and I don’t feel as though I have much to offer. And I still don’t. But I just wanted you to know you’re awesome. And that people who don’t know you in real life admire your strength even when you feel the way you just described. That’s all :)

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Whoa, Molly! March 7, 2013 at 11:40 am

Doesn’t the constant maintenance get exhausting sometimes? The endless effort to keep ‘up’? I always find myself sliding back into laziness, complacency, bad behaviour, melancholy, exhaustion, etc… when I know that if I put the effort in everything will be okay. So why is it so hard to do the things you know are going to be good for you?

I’m sending you energy to get back on it, to get back into the routine of care of yourself. It’s hard but it will be worth it. Maybe I can get some of that motivation for being awesome back too.
Whoa, Molly! recently posted…HurtsMy Profile

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Courtney Bee March 7, 2013 at 10:54 am

Make your lists my dear, do your plans, eat your chocy for breakfast and do your yoga. You are lovely, you are awesome, You ARE a good mum (i know those kids and they are brilliant little humans, you made them!). Bumping along is something we all tend to do… then when a girl gets it in her head to take this sucker life by the horns watch out! exciting and terrifying all at once. You will never truly wear out the once who love you the deepest. Just remember that! Take care of yourself Lori x o

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5ive Things I Hate About You. – RRSAHM

5ive Things I Hate About You.

by Lori Dwyer on June 13, 2010 · 12 comments

Not, not really. I just like that phrase. It fires up my inner Miley Cyrus. That can only be a good thing- right?

Once again, I’ve been tagged by quite a few people in a meme. The latest was Katie at No missed Oppurtunites, so she gets the credit.

And the meme goes like this….

Where were you five years ago?
Just at the end of my transition from uni student to full time clown. At a pretty darn good place in my life, actually. Oh, and I was living in a tiny little flat with the dimensions of a shoebox on the Wrong Side of the Tracks. When I moved here, to the leafy ‘burbs, the absence of sirens actually kept me awake at night.


Where would you like to be five years from now?
Erm. Still here, breathing, is my only requirement. Anything else is a bonus. Another baby, maybe? Maybe. Or maybe a Real Job.

Five Things On Your To Do List for today?

*Change sheets
*Dust (it’s not dust, OK? It’s a post feminist statement).
* Buy a new nose stud. For the eight millionth time.
*Call best friend’s other best friend to arrange a bridal shower for fore-mentioned best friend.
*Chop up taco stuff for dinner.

Five Snacks You Enjoy.

*Tofu
*Sushi
*Raw vegetables
*Lentils
*Hahaha not really. Got you there, didn’t I? Thought you were on the wrong blog for a second!

Looks healthy, doesn’t it? Look again, people. That’s chocolate sushi.

What Are Five Things You Would Do If You Were A Billionaire?
*I’m actually not going to answer this question properly. Because if I were a billionaire, I could do just about any damn thing I wanted. And I would have a lot of trouble restricting myself to five things. Oh. Hold on, wait…
*Donate heaps of money to charity. Providing it’s tax deductible.
*World peace. 
*Feed starving penguins  the scraps from my five star chef’s meals.

I am so joking. I promise. No hate mail, OK? *sigh* Alright then, if you must.

When your finished writing your nasty emails, I’m tagging the following bloggers… (if they haven’t already done this meme by the time I publish this post. Which is highly possible).

Thea at Do I Really Wanna Blog
Yankee Lori at Tiny Little Revervies
The Fabulous Lady at BM-I Don’t Care
Allison at Life In A Pink Fibro

Happy meme-time!
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Sarah June 14, 2010 at 3:35 pm

You know, all I got from that post was…..

Another baby & chocolate sushi.

Both of which…. AWESOME!!

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Lori @ RRSAHM June 14, 2010 at 12:17 pm

@Lulu- I actually had met the Man, but we weren't a couple. Marriage and babies,I thought that was years off!!

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Katie June 14, 2010 at 5:30 am

You DID get me with that snack list. I was reading thinking "what the…hell..is..???…oh…she was fooling. THANK GOD!"

I am still on a mission to get you those CHOCOLATE covered chips. You may need to wait until winter…our winter.. I will get them there if I have to deliver them myself!!

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lori June 14, 2010 at 4:59 am

oooh, that sounds fun – thanks! Chocolate that looks like sushi – that's wild. I saw a recipe for a cake that looks like a catbox. That looked pretty cool.

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Kristy June 14, 2010 at 4:58 am

UNI – which UNI? I did grad work at University of Northern Iowa…

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Mrs Woog June 13, 2010 at 9:26 pm

tag me next time… no one listens anyway.
So loving your readings

Mrs Woog
xoxoxo

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Lulu June 13, 2010 at 9:22 pm

Nice meme!!

SO 5 years ago had you met your hub? 5 years ago I had met my hub but was still a uni student…didn`t graduate until end of 2005…and marriage and babies were not even on the radar. Or so I thought.

I like to snack on cheese. Or cheese that looks like chocolate would be okay. Or chocolate that looks like cheese. I am not picky.

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Thea June 13, 2010 at 8:42 pm

Thanks for the tag…yep, done it…here it is

http://doireallywannablog.blogspot.com/2010/06/5ive-things.html

Loved yours. Great answers!! :)

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Kellyansapansa June 13, 2010 at 6:16 pm

Love it!

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Brenda June 13, 2010 at 5:09 pm

I draw the line on chocolate sushi. That's just wrong. Yes, I am a sushi snob. Snort.

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Wanderlust June 13, 2010 at 3:10 pm

Lentils. Who snacks on lentils? I don't think you're taking this meme seriously. If you win a billion dollars, I'll incorporate as a charity, k? I'll even make lentils for you.

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Katt June 13, 2010 at 6:38 pm

<3

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