by Lori Dwyer on December 10, 2013 · 29 comments

I’m still here. I’m just not… really.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Or, worse… I know exactly what’s wrong with me. I’m so depressed I don’t even want to cry. There’s not enough feel left in me for those kind of emotions.

I’m losing whole days and I’m not even sure what’s happening to them. I feel a bit like I’m walking through weightless, opaque fog. The world is a movie set. One tiny push of my finger will disturb it and the world around me will shimmer and crumble and suck itself down into a whirlpool of black nothingness. I wonder what that would be like.

Not much different to this, really. Existing in a black vacuum, where nothing echoes because nothing is real.

Some days it’s hard to follow conversations. Reality confuses me. I say things that aren’t quite right. I trip over my words, my tongue is useless and too big in my mouth.

I stop writing anything at all. I don’t want to sit and pull great big gloops of myself out of my head and onto the screen because that might hurt.

I sit in the office of my newly-found shrink, Luke, and I cry. I curl into myself and pour out pain and despair and desolateness. He tells me I have severe post traumatic stress disorder, severe anxiety, severe depression.

I knew all that. I just don’t understand why it’s so bad now. Why I’ve been able to be so strong for so long. Why I’ve been relatively functional the last few years and now everything’s a mess.

I don’t know how to fix myself. I’m just waiting it out. I make myself do things, little things. Luke the Shrink calls it ‘behavioural activation’. I think that means that I’m trying to trick myself into not being so stagnant. Remind my brain of the physiological benefits of activity.

So I wash my face. I clean my teeth. Some days I’m incapable of even doing that.

But I’m here. Still. Just. Kind of.

This too shall pass.

It has to.


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{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }

reiki healer May 14, 2014 at 3:27 pm

Reiki is so easy yet so powerful, and this is what makes it an unique healing device that any person could find out, considering that it does not need any type of previous experience or unique ability.

Mrs. Hunsucker


Michelle January 8, 2014 at 4:22 pm

Hi Lori. I just came across your blog as a result of reading about you in an article about suicide in a magazine…just read your words about why is it (depression) happening now, when you’d been so strong for so long. Blew me away as I’d been using those exact same words myself until just recently. My brother committed suicide two years ago now. I was
so strong too, for so long (shock of course, to
begin with) did everything I could for my
parents, who were just incapacitated with grief. It took a long time for the real grief to sink in for me but when it did, it really did. It’s taken me 6 months. This grief thing doesn’t always work in a linear or tidy fashion does it? What gives me hope for you is that you realise that ‘ this too will pass’…because it will Lori and that knowledge also helped me get through. It doesn’t last forever. Just give yourself time, be gentle to yourself, dont stop blogging and ignore the ignorant- like the person 2 replies in. Whoever you are, this is Lori’s blog and if you dont like it, get off and don’t seek this blog out. One last thing, when it’s past and you feel like you can lift your face to the sun again…that feeling is the best, most sweetest in the world. Yes there’s being strong at the time, and then there’s being strong enough to get through this. I honestly think this last 6 months was harder for me Lori, and day by day you are getting closer so make sure you acknowledge yourself for what you are going through now. And thanks for being so brave by sharing this. xx M


Ruby Janw January 8, 2014 at 7:14 pm

Hi Simone,

Yes this is Lori’s blog etc…and I am entitled to say what I like. Why is that if a person doesnt reply in sweet and cheerful tones they are called trolls, ignorant etc. I stand by what I wrote….


Lori January 15, 2014 at 11:22 am

Thanks so much for your comment Michelle. Welcome to RRSAHM :)
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Simone December 27, 2013 at 4:54 pm

I wondered where you’d been (I follow you on fb)
I hope you’re ok
Big hugs


Ruby Jane December 26, 2013 at 5:25 pm

Why do you have this incessant need to indulge in self pitty? Why do you need to moan about about how shit you feel all the damn time. Are you the only person in the world who suffers from depression? It seems like you write to seek positive comments.., to hVe your ego stroked..if your mental health issues are so bloody bad , why don’t you admitt yourself into a mental ward of your local hospital and get properly treated for what you are going through? Get the proper help you need befor you cause even more damage to those adorable kids of yours…Tyler and Daisy have already gone through to much….they don’t deserve to see you their mum like this…..go back to Sydney if you can’t cope, go back Lori! Stop being selfish…..think of the kids….they didn’t ask to have you as a mother……haters hate all you like, I have the right to express my thoughts as I wish…..Lori needs to take stock of Her life….


Cynthia December 28, 2013 at 5:22 am

Ok Ruby, I accept your invitation to hate you as a hater. Your “thoughts” are just an open expression of your bitter soul, and make no relevant comment on the life of anyone outside of yourself. Love your thin pretense of concern for Her kids.

Its been years – ask yourself why you still come around. Perhaps you need to see someone to resolve YOUR long term emotional issues – take stock of your life…

Note that an ellipsis consists of exactly three – and only three periods. If you used correct grammar, you would be right about one thing:)

Lori, do not even bother to publish my comment. I imagine you know this bitch and will recognize it as a holiday card from an alternate universe – where Ruby Jane is important to someone – good luck to whomever that might be.


Ruby Jane December 28, 2013 at 2:01 pm

Hahaha….Cynthia . You’re hilarious. Thanks for taking time out to reply to my comment….I guess you recognise the fact that I am a bitch because you’re one? Love you Lori….you’re a champion the true sense of the word…..


Helen K January 16, 2014 at 11:58 pm

Ruby Jane – I think you know a lot more about aspects of Lori and her family’s life than I do so I won’t comment about your specific aspects (although I do think your comment re. ‘They didn’t ask to gave you as a mother’ is particularly cruel – they also didn’t ask to have the circumstances with their father either). I note that even though you may know more than me, you probably still don’t know everything. It is easy to judge harshly but be careful in doing that without that full knowledge – and certainly on a public forum like a blog comment page. I do get the impression that Lori is trying to do the best she can – and also believe there is no such thing as a perfect parent (we all have flaws and most kids, in general, grow up ok). Otherwise, my only other comment to you is that, in reading her posts, I gave not noted Lori using her children’s names. While people who know the family will know who they are, the rest of us don’t. I think you should also respect that, and not use her kids names (which I am guessing you have – they don’t read as pseudonyms). Cheers.


Miss Pink December 20, 2013 at 4:22 pm

I’m always a phone call or text away. Let me know things are hard and I’m happy to check in with you loads. Sorry I’ve been so absent online and I’m only just seeing this now. But if you want me I am here, you just have to let me know.


Megan December 19, 2013 at 1:25 pm

You’re safe. For the first time in a long time, you are safe enough to fall apart. Please be kind to yourself. x


Dawn December 16, 2013 at 8:38 am

I’ve been checking back hoping to see an update that you are feeling a bit better. I just want you to know you have people rooting for you! I am! People you don’t even know, will never know, care about you. Give those beautiful babies of yours a big hug and a kiss on the forehead and know you are loved. And you will feel better, maybe not today but maybe tomorrow. If not, the next day, probably. At some point it can only get better.

I have an appointment with a hypnotherapist to help me deal with my depression. I’m in the middle of a bad patch right now. If I never had to leave the house again I’d be a happy girl. Actually, I wouldn’t but think I would.

I’m learning a little about self hypnosis and meditating online and think it’s actually helping. Who would have thought quieting yourself and just being could make you feel better? Not me!

I think it helps clear my mind of all the negative crap I have rattling around in there. Might be worth a try? I’m really starting to like it. A few times I’ve actually felt almost good when the timer goes off to signal the end of my time. Good? I almost can’t remember what that (or anything besides annoyed) feels like. I have two kidlets and struggle with finding a quiet spot sometimes. I’ve found running the shower and meditating on the bathroom rug work in pinch. Ha!

Just keep swimming!


Karen December 15, 2013 at 3:33 pm

Lori, I am so sorry you are feeling so shit. I hate the not knowing why you are there and I hate the having to wait and wade it out. You have been through enough and I wish you were already through this part, too! But you are totally right. There is an other side, and you will get there! So glad you are holding your chin above the water line! Hugs.


Karen December 15, 2013 at 3:37 pm

Reading the other comments now, and I’ve found in my own life that sometimes when I have to toe the line and keep going without thinking or letting things hit me, there comes a point eventually when stuff slows down and all the stuff I was working through hits all at once. It can be exhausting and usually comes out in lots of tears, usually with great exhaustion or sickness.


Linda December 12, 2013 at 3:11 pm

I have no words of wisdom, just wanted you to know you have lots of people sending you hugs (())


Whoa, Molly! December 12, 2013 at 1:05 pm

I think it could be because you had this purpose and this all consuming reason to not fall apart for so long. Moving to a new state and starting a totally new life is huge. HUGE! And now that’s done, you’ve got the time and space to fall apart. Maybe you had to, or needed to. I mean, maybe, I’m no expert. I’m just going on what happens to me and we are all different.

I’m best with some consuming huge thing to thrust all of my emotions and energy and anxiety into. When I’ve got a cause to focus on, I accomplish Herculean tasks. When they are over? I flop. I fall. My brain has nothing to funnel my hideous emotions and anxiousness into and so it starts funnelling it into destroying me, mentally.

I’m hoping that your new Shrinkola is helping. I’m hoping that you are able to crawl out and feel amazing again soon! You deserve it! Doing little things is the best thing that you can do, because at some point those little things reach critical mass and become big things! You can totally do this. It just sucks waiting for the tide to recede, but we all know it will.


Jenni December 11, 2013 at 10:34 pm

It’s bad now BECAUSE you have been so strong for so long. Your mind can only hold all that back for so long. It needs to come out and fighting it probably won’t help.
Allow yourself to feel, to work through it and eventually there will be a glimmer of light come back into your life.
For now, just be kind to yourself and do what you need.
Many of us have been there and are here for you. If we can come through it, so can you.
Time, love and patience xxx


Linda Trim December 11, 2013 at 9:57 pm

Lori, I have been following you for a very long time now, but don’t say anything: I let others put their comments in. I wouldn’t doubt your shrink saying that you might have post traumatic stress disorder, but is it possible that you are bipolar? The severe down that you are on just makes me wonder. And it seems that so many people are not diagnosed until at least the age that you are at. Perhaps it is something to consider. God Bless and I wish you well.


Suzy Mac December 11, 2013 at 9:40 pm

“it will be all right in the end, and if it’s not- well its not the end yet”
Lori I emailed you a while back with Dr Wood’s details – he really is worth the drive out to the eastern burbs. Seriously he can jump start your neurotransmitters & have you feeling marginally if not much better right away. I wouldnt mention it if I didnt know it would help- Its worth a try …
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Helen K January 16, 2014 at 11:45 pm

Suzy – are you referring to Graeme Wood? if so, I agree – very calm and methodological (only thing us, if you are an anxious person, who panics about being late, factor in waiting time! When going through a lot of anxiety myself, these delays made me more stressed!)


Alyson December 11, 2013 at 8:51 pm

Lori. This WILL pass. You know it will. It hurts like hell. But it will get better. Hang in there. One hour at a time if you have to. And know that you are not alone. Sending strong, good vibes your way xxx


Mel G December 11, 2013 at 8:19 pm

Oh Lori…. I’m glad you’re still here, I was a bit concerned too. So many things I want to say, but the words aren’t coming out right :-(

This too shall pass *hugs*


Toni @ Finding Myself Young December 11, 2013 at 9:44 am

Oh Lori I was wondering if you were ok because I hadn’t seen any posts for a while. I totally understand where you are at. When my post natal depression first started a few months ago I felt exactly like this. I too wondered how I had been so independent and together for the past few years and then suddenly it all fell apart and I couldn’t function. It was explained to me that because I’d had a baby which is a huge change it triggers something and the depression comes back. Perhaps your move has triggered it all again? I’m not a shrink, just speculating. I had to start doing tiny things again too because my psychologist said if I took a big step too quickly I would regress further. It has taken me a few months but I am back to feeling normal again. I hope it works for you too xx
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Marianne December 11, 2013 at 1:58 am

Depression lies. You know that. Also? A body at rest tends to stay at rest. A body in motion tends to stay in motion. I know you don’t feel like it…but move. It will get better. It will.
On the practical side…has Dr. Luke changed up anything with your meds? Should he?

Hang in there, sweetpea. You have a good life, you’re actually out on the other side of the Black Woods…but the terror and the despair of getting through are just now catching up. Kind of like the adrenaline crash after you’ve avoided the major automotive wreck. Doesn’t hit you ’til you’re home safe on your couch.


Kim December 10, 2013 at 10:56 pm

Oh darlin girl…
Could your move to Melb. (away from all that is familiar) be the reason it has all got worse?
How are the kids and the most amazing travelling through all of this? Is there an opportunity for a circuit breaker over Christmas? Could you all pack up and go home to your mum for Christmas and just get away for a bit. A change of scenery and being around familiar faces might lift your spirits?



Kate December 10, 2013 at 10:47 pm

I feel you. One foot in front of the other x


Drea B December 10, 2013 at 10:34 pm

I hope it passes soon. Be kind to yourself.


Jenny December 10, 2013 at 10:34 pm

Aw, Lori. I know this can’t help much but I am thinking of you and sending you all the positive vibes I can muster.
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Martha December 11, 2013 at 11:19 am

Depression, or any flavour of mental illness, is a sneaky bastard. Hormones, stress triggers, sudden destressing, even the damn weather seems to be enough sometimes to push us over the brink from coping to falling through black. Hang in there. Do your small things, find rays of light where you can. Find some rare melbourne sunshine if you can – a warm conservatory or greenhouse, or sunny window of a cafe. Wishing for a return of sunny days for you.


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