I just needed a break. I just needed to… stop for a while.
I think I needed to prove to myself that I can still feel things without needing to write them down, without having to air them publicly.
My blog has become so much a part of me… I started to wonder if I existed without it. If I would be different without it.
I’m not different. Still just me. Only lesser, perhaps, for not expressing myself.
I did Christmas, and it was awesome. The kidlets loved it. I woke up Christmas morning at my mum’s house for the first time in fifteen years.
I remind myself that it’s okay to miss people. Especially when the time spent with them is all the sweeter, the more intense and satisfying. I soak up their company and appreciate every second of being around them.
The kidlets are happy to be left behind, happy to be in the care of thier grandmothers for a while. The Most Amazing Man and I pack up the car and head down the Great Ocean Road. We camp for days next to a river, cooking meals on a camp stove and being lulled to sleep by the distant crashing of ocean waves.
New Years Eve, in an attempt to escape gentle murmur of people in the campground, we find ourselves hiking over sand hills to the beach. the two of us lay on a picnic blanket and look at the immenseness of the stars. The sky is huge, the stars pocketed in its engulfing depth. We spot shooting stars, not just one but six between us. Just after midnight someone in the oval nearby lets off foreworks and the bang and fall, blue and red dropping over the dunes.
I miss my kids. I still feel like shit. I’m a bit afraid of everything right now, and I hate that. I feel like i used up the brave I had moving to Melbourne, and i haven’t found any more yet.
But I’m working on it.
And I’m writing again.