Today should be my second wedding anniversary.
There should be a photo to go with this post. It’s on Tony’s phone, and I’ve been meaning to retrieve it for months now. I just can’t bring myself to turning the phone on.
Why? because once I’m there, the temptation to look and scroll and listen and view will be no longer a temptation, not even a ‘want’; but a need. Something my soul weeps for. Like water. Like oxygen.
This photo, it was taken a year ago. It’s Tony and I, happy and msiling, the harbour bridge in the background. it was the wallpaper on his phone for months.
I’ll get to it, eventually.
I had the skeleton of a post in my head for today… it’s been there for a while now. A post about how I loved being married, how special it was, to Tony and I, to be husband and wife.
But I can’t even write that today. I’m far too pissed off. So angry my fingers are shaking as I type. Agitated and anxious and scratching at the inside of my skull.
This isn’t fair.
Last year, Tony and left our kids with mymum, and went out for dinner, chinese on the Harbour. then we wnt to Luns Park, and rode rollercoasters and played with air vents and silly mirrors in Coney Island. And we stayed in a beautiful hotel, and we were happy.
And for this year, there were vague plans, nothing solid, of a weekend away, two whole nights without our kids. Vague plans, made just a week or two before All This Happened.
The lovely Kelloggsville asked, in a comment the other day….
how did it go from so good to so bad, what flicked that switch? Is it wrong to ask, I am sorry. It all sounds so like my life, any family life, how can it be that it changed from before to after?
I have no fucking idea. (And no, not wrong to ask… not when I ask it of myself, over and over…)
I ask myself the same question every day.
We were so normal.
I had everything I ever wanted.
And I thought Tony did, too.
I drop my kids off with their Nanna today at 3:30pm, for a whole six days holiday without them. Guilt and excitement are sizing each other up in a Mexican mind stand off.
3:30pm, I drive away from my family. The same time, two years ago, that I arrived at my wedding.
The contrast of it, it feels like an infection on a wound that’s already angry.
Maybe I should just leave ti alone, stop touching it…. give it time to heal.