July 25th.

by Lori Dwyer on July 25, 2011 · 30 comments

Today should be my second wedding anniversary.

There should be a photo to go with this post. It’s on Tony’s phone, and I’ve been meaning to retrieve it for months now. I just can’t bring myself to turning the phone on.

Why? because once I’m there, the temptation to look and scroll and listen and view will be no longer a temptation, not even a ‘want’; but a need. Something my soul weeps for. Like water. Like oxygen.

Like love.

This photo, it was taken a year ago. It’s Tony and I, happy and msiling, the harbour bridge in the background. it was the wallpaper on his phone for months.

I’ll get to it, eventually.

I had the skeleton of a post in my head for today… it’s been there for a while now. A post about how I loved being married, how special it was, to Tony and I, to be husband and wife.

But I can’t even write that today. I’m far too pissed off. So angry my fingers are shaking as I type. Agitated and anxious and scratching at the inside of my skull.

This isn’t fair.

Last year, Tony and left our kids with mymum, and went out for dinner, chinese on the Harbour. then we wnt to Luns Park, and rode rollercoasters and played with air vents and silly mirrors in Coney Island. And we stayed in a beautiful hotel, and we were happy.

And for this year, there were vague plans, nothing solid, of a weekend away, two whole nights without our kids. Vague plans, made just a week or two before All This Happened.

The lovely Kelloggsville asked, in a comment the other day….

how did it go from so good to so bad, what flicked that switch? Is it wrong to ask, I am sorry. It all sounds so like my life, any family life, how can it be that it changed from before to after?

I have no fucking idea. (And no, not wrong to ask… not when I ask it of myself, over and over…)

I ask myself the same question every day.

We were so normal.

I had everything I ever wanted.

And I thought Tony did, too.


I drop my kids off with their Nanna today at 3:30pm, for a whole six days holiday without them. Guilt and excitement are sizing each other up in a Mexican mind stand off.

3:30pm, I drive away from my family. The same time, two years ago, that I arrived at my wedding.

The contrast of it, it feels like an infection on a wound that’s already angry.

Maybe I should just leave ti alone, stop touching it…. give it time to heal.

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{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }

Fox in the City July 26, 2011 at 10:53 pm

Feel what you feel with no guilt. Thinking of you today, and every other day.


MummyK July 26, 2011 at 4:26 pm

I'm sorry I haven't been leaving messages. I've ran out of words. But you are always in my prayers.


Kelloggsville July 26, 2011 at 7:09 am

I think I would be very angry today too. With you xxx


Adalita July 26, 2011 at 7:03 am

HUGS – try and enjoy your time away and try and have some genuine fun! Love Ada


Marianna Annadanna July 25, 2011 at 10:21 pm

sending love


Kimmie July 25, 2011 at 9:25 pm

Love n hugs


Julia July 25, 2011 at 9:09 pm

Thinking of you today, as always, and hoping you enjoy your little break xx


Melissa July 25, 2011 at 8:33 pm

Thinking of you today – I hope you enjoy your holiday, you deserve some rest and relaxation.


Pandora July 25, 2011 at 7:53 pm

I wish I had words of comfort, but no :( Just that I'm thinking of you on what must be an insanely difficult day for you.

I hope you have a lovely, relaxing break; you deserve it.

Gentle hugs

Pan x


Mum’s the word July 25, 2011 at 7:22 pm

thinking of you xx


marketingtomilk July 25, 2011 at 7:06 pm

Oh gosh, very difficult day for you. Thinking of you.



Shellye July 25, 2011 at 7:04 pm

I'm so sorry, Lori. I am praying for you. I wish there was more I could do, but I will keep praying nonstop until you tell me not to.


Glowless @ Where’s My Glow July 25, 2011 at 6:54 pm

I've been thinking of you all day today. I was actually going to coffee with another blogger and I missed my exit and didn't realize until two bloody exits later. See what you do to me, woman? Because I was wondering what you were up to, how things were on what should have been a special day.
I hope excitement wins the standoff xxx


A Dose of Dannie July 25, 2011 at 4:56 pm

(HUGS) Lori Do try and enjoy the U time for you :-) xxxxxxxxxx


Lynda Halliger-Otvos July 25, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Sending a huge hug and a wish for you that what you need during this coming week is what you attain. May there be moments of stillness and hours of the kind of restful sleep that is hard to get when we are keeping an ear out for our kids in the next room.


Being Me July 25, 2011 at 4:01 pm

Sometimes, what helped me most was switching off from what everyone else wanted to offer (even as comfort). Therefore, for you, my wish for the next 6 glorious days is that you truly get some 'OFF' time, even if only for 20 Lori-focused minutes… Wrapping you in a hug, I hope this next week brings you something healing xxx


bookwormkaz July 25, 2011 at 3:25 pm

Scabs are made for picking at. It's how you'll know if you've started to heal or not.

Thinking of you on this bittersweet, contradictory, mexican-stand-off afternoon. xx


Miss Pink July 25, 2011 at 2:26 pm

It makes me angry too. Angry that you don't have the man, the love that you deserve. That you both deserved.
I hope you enjoy your 6 days.


Donna July 25, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Dont let guilt be the victor; the next 6 days are so well deserved time for you to heal, smile, laugh, learn and just "be".

I cannot imagine how difficult it will be come 3.30pm but be assured what awaits you will be filled with love. Enjoy your time away xx


Kellie July 25, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Thinking of you today Lori. Go away and have your time alone, it's good for the soul x


MamaRobinJ July 25, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Be pissed off. That's probably a good way to feel today. And then drop your kids off and go on your holiday and try to relax or have fun or sleep or find who it is you are After. Whatever it is that you need – though it will never be enough. Thinking of you. x


Melissa July 25, 2011 at 12:56 pm

I thought a lot about that question after your last post, the "How did it all change". And the more I think about it, the more sure I am. *IT* didn't. Tony got sick. It's as simple (as though any of this could be simple) as that.

I say this because I've been so close. So F'ing close. Recently. A number of times. And nothing is different except me. I don't love Joel any less. I don't love my children any less. I don't even want to leave them, exactly. I just want everything else to stop. And I can't think of another way.

Doesn't help you, I know. But I honestly think the only thing that changed is that he got sicker. Too sick, with too much "I'm a man and we don't get help for this sh!t".

You didn't change and Bump and Chop didn't change and your Purple, simple, 'boring'(not) life didn't change. The chemicals in his brain and the demons of his past along with whatever stress pops up in life just come together sometimes to create the perfect storm.

I'm thinking of you today. I've been thinking of you since I woke up, and I didn't know if you'd want 'reminders' (as though you could forget) today.

But you're in my thoughts.


Sheri Bomb July 25, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Lori, I read all of your posts but rarely comment. Mostly because I don't know what to say. I feel for you so deeply, and yet my realm of understanding for pain this immense…I just cannont comprehend. And I don't want to say the wrong thing. I don't want to offer you advice on something I have no experience in – not even close. But I always, ALWAYS, want to say something. Want to ease the burden of your pain. I know there is nothing I can do or say. But on a day like today I feel I simply must say SOMETHING. So I offer no advice. No kind words of understanding. No deeply philosophical words of wisdom. Just a huge wave of love and comfort that I am sending express to you via the universe. I hope it reaches you and gives you even just a moment of peace, of comfort, of respite…whatever you need it to give you. I know not what else I can.


Wanderlust July 25, 2011 at 12:50 pm

You are in my heart today Lori. Sending you love and peace and healing. xoxo


Jane July 25, 2011 at 12:40 pm

Thinking of you today, Lori. Hope you enjoy your child-free holiday xxx


Crystal Cheverie July 25, 2011 at 10:16 pm

I hope you have a restful, refreshing, happy six days in Melbourne. I can well imagine this must be a tough day for you. I don't blame you, not one bit, for shaking with anger.

All I can say is that I'm thinking of you and sending light and love.


Rebekah July 25, 2011 at 9:46 pm

I've been thinking of you today ever since reading your blog post earlier. I couldn't not comment and send my love and thoughts your way.
Enjoy your time out. You deserve some rest for your soul xx


Ez July 25, 2011 at 8:49 pm

Enjoy your break darling girl. I think of you always xoxoxo


Mrs Woog July 25, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Enjoy your time by yourself my darling. xx


iamevilcupcake July 25, 2011 at 12:49 pm

That's the thing about death. It's so hard to look at something good when all you can think of is the bad.

I don't think there is anything wrong with having a pick at the scab. Sometimes when I need to be angry, I have a pick, and it helps, trust me.

I think of you a lot Lori. Similar circumstances but completely different at the same time.

Enjoy your break, you completely deserve it.


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