No matter what i do at the moment, it’s not quite good enough.
I need to push myself harder. Deal With It. Big girl panties on, suck it up.
It’s been five weeks and you now have to return to Normal, whether it will fry your brain or not.
Everyone has an opinion on me, at the moment. Everyone has an idea, a standard.
And I don’t live up to most of them.
I am not Mothering well enough.
Truth be known, and I know it (people seem to think I’m in denial, I’m running away, when i am facing this every fucking day) I disconnected from the entire world when this happened.
Fuck it, wouldn’t you?
I disconnected and lost myself. I lost Lori. I lost Lori-Mum. I lost Lori-Wife. I lost everything.
All those connections, they are just starting to come back now. Connections to the real world. The problems of Life. The problems around me.
Slowly, slowly. Because it hurts. It feels like new growth in my brain. Every time one of those tiny neural pathways connects to another, and my mind rebuilds itself from the shock and horror it’s been through, it hurts.
Connecting hurts. It’s exhausting. I’m exhausted.
The connection with my kids has been back for a while now. I ache for them, worry about them, love them with my soul.
And I thought it was OK. To just float for a bit longer. To let someone else get their juice and sandwiches, change their nappies. And i could give them cuddles and play with them and just be around and start to get my life back together.
But apparently not. I’ve been ‘lucky’ and had help for as long as people can tolerate me. And everyone is at the end of their tether. I have asked for too much, been too weak. Show my softness far too much.
And now?
Now, I’ve been told. Pull My Head In. Get Back To Routine. Or we will Take Your Children Off You.
I’m being selfish, you see. Selfish and self indulgent and a bit hysterical and really, Lori, get it together.
So… I am.
I don’t have a choice in it, really.
I’ve never felt more alone in my life.
As I said, everyone has an opinion. I’m people’s favorite subject to talk about at the moment, the people I know spend hours doing it.
And the consensus is always the same. Lori needs to Get On With It (I am, damn it, can’t you see I’m trying? What more do you want me to do??).
And everyone’s against me, or so it feels. No support here. Not until I Get Myself Together.
Support, I’ve found, it’s conditional, a lot of time. It will be given. But only if you are acting in an acceptable, socially correct way. keeping your grief contained. Not writing about it, not talking about it.
If I talk, if I complain, people give me a million excuses. For why I’ve been deserted. (“Other people have their own lives, they need to get on with them. And so do you”).
No one can just hold me and say “I know. It’s all fucked.”
Everyone tries to make it better, to make me better, by pushing it all away.
What if this is as good as it gets?
{ 238 comments… read them below or add one }
I'm more than a year too late, but o.m.g.
I found your blog through a blog through a blog through a blog… one of those links that you just find and follow and find and follow..
I've (over the last few days) been reading from the post you said to start at in your about page. I am amazed at your courage to go on. But, no, I'm not. I know that you have to do it. You don't get any choice in the matter. Tomorrow just keeps on happening.
I've been through different stuff, but still stuff, and from personal experience I would say that it takes about a year, and then, all of a sudden, you realise one day that it has been a couple of days since you had thoughts enough to make you cry. But I wasn't still married to mine at the time he died, so it's hard to tell. And you're not me anyway, you're you.
I've also blogged my truth in my own blog, and I'm so with you doing it for yourself. It's a great way to help yourself.
It's also an immensely easy way to help someone else. Some of the things I've written about weren't easy, but other people reading them later have said that finding that made a difference in their life. So, aside from the benefit of being able to talk it all our with yourself in pixels, you get to help some other anonymous person later.
This was pretty much a pointless comment, but I just wanted to say something. And to let you know that I don't think you're weird or slack or anything, in writing about it, and in taking a whole FIVE WEEKS and still not getting over it.
In response to this comment
"I mean who on earth blogs the days around there husband being in icu & his funeral."
I would say someone who expresses themselves, works through their emotions and deals with pain to strong to be repressed by WRITING.
Some people work things out through physical exercise, others meditate, my husband goes to the shed and welds things together and then comes out with a new perspective and I WRITE. I am more likely to WRITE about things that are worrying me, tormenting me or that I can not understand because writing helps me to clarify my thoughts, emotions or simply vent the excess pressure of the thoughts.
Since Lori is a Blogger, this is her outlet.
Thee is not much I can add to this other than you are doing an awesome job of doing what you need to to get on with life in your own good time, at your own pace and in the way that is right for you.
And as a few others have commented, your blogs have got me, (a mother of 2 young children who suffers from depression and anxiety) thinking about just how fucked it would leave everyone if succumbed (sp?)to the stupidity and irrationality and took my life. Thankyou for your rawness, truth, honesty, and for showing me (and others) just how fucked life really is for eeryone who is left After.
Jade
edaj84 from Belly Belly
For people who commented about Lori taking sleeping pills while having children to look after, and you're worried something could happen and she wont wake up – a friend of mine last year suddenly lost her husband 7 weeks after he was diagnosed with cancer. She had her mother coming over and staying with her, (she has children) because she had to have sleeping pills. When going through emotional trauma, sleep is vital for a persons emotional and physical health. If Lori gets any more run down than she may already be, she wont be able to care for her children. Her sleep is neccessary. If family are worried, they could offer to stay overnight while she gets her very needed sleep, so she can be the best she can be under the circumstances. I suffer insomnia, and I know how much harder sleep debt makes everything. To be a good mother, us mums need to look after ourselves first. Sound selfish? Well being a martyr doesn't make for a good mother, I know that for a fact.
I know that you've turned the comments off on your latest couple of posts but I really want you to ignore all the negative commentors and seriously believe that they should fuck off!!! The people that leave shitty comments have obviously never been through it. My Dad committed suicide many years ago and I would never presume to tell anyone how to deal with it. Fuck whatever everyone thinks. It sounds like you are doing the absolute best you can and the people that don't like it don't matter. Shit like this shows your true friends! Hugs xx
From a complete stranger, for what it's worth:
I am so sorry that you're going through this hell.
(And?
If we were mates,
I would take you out dancing if that's what you needed to just get through another day.)
Sweetheart do whatever the fuck you can to just get through this one minute at a time.Find a way to dump these pieces of shit from your life. Move house. You dont need to explain shit to anyone. There is no formula. You are not to blame. turn your ears off to these wankers who do not have a clue. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
oh honey, i hope those tough men who blame you never have to lose their soul mate, they could not possibly hope to cope as well as you have with the way they approach grief. Five weeks is a drop in the ocean of despair.
Your children could not hope for a better mother, one who loved their father so deeply and so obviously. Love is the best medicine, your children could not hope for more and i wish you had it more realidly available in your close 'friends'. I am young, a country girl, an incapable driver. But i am vowing here, if you will have me, there will come a time when i drive to Sydeny; it may be many months away, but that's the way grief works, you will still be grieving and still in need to support then. Until that time, should you choose to accept it, please take care of yourself, those people couldn't hope to understand that you are grief, and suffering PTSD and in desperate need of support and time.
All i can say to them is it must be good to be perfect. And all i can say you is that i'm very proud of you.
Survival is paramount in the human mind, it beats, sex, food, shelter, sleep. Everything. For a human to consciously override that instinct, there needs to be a tremendous problem the scale of which healthy brains cannot understand. You, being a wife and mother, are not capable of causing that problem. Tony's brain, his undiagnosed PTSD, trashed him to the point where he ended it all. He was ill, he could not cope, he felt like he could not speak, he needed a reason, being an aussie bloke, a physical problem to blame for why he didn't want to live. He found that physical reason in you when he was not in his right mind; you standing in front of him when he could not blame his enemy within, his dark passenger could not be seen and he had been taught that because of this it wasn't real. You are not to blame. Society, his biochemisty, the incident that caused his PTSD, all that is to blame. A Terrible Series Of Unfortunate Events that you are not to blame for.
Cope as you need to Lori, there's hundreds of people here who support you every step of the way with love that far outweighs the hate of the ignorant.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. None of us is perfect, and any things that you may have done were more than made up for by the love that you gave Tony, and continue to give him, even After.
Anger is easier to feel than pain. Many of the anonymous posters chose anger, and directed it at you. How very very sad and selfish.
Hang in there. You are beautiful. This is not your fault.
Im pretty much a fail and commenting but Lori, it is NOT your fault. Not at all. Amen to the commenter who compared this to putting your oxygen mask on first. You have to get better so you can be better for the kids. They're resilient and young and all they need is love, which I know they have.
Everyone here has said it all and then some — well done, fellow followers! — so I'll keep this brief. I just want to echo the commenters about your portrayal of Tony. Like many, I only started following recently, and I went back and read many of your posts from Before. Why? Because from your After posts, you so clearly adored, loved and cherished Tony, so I wanted to learn more from Before.
I'm so sorry… about all of what you're going through. But mostly I'm sorry that you lost the man who clearly was your best friend and dearest love. You described him so lovingly Before and have continued to do so After. Anyone who says otherwise hasn't actually read what you've written.
Love from Georgia in the USA. Megan
Hi,
There is something that people sometimes don't realize. No one is responsible for suicide. Not the victim and not the victim's loved ones. By its very nature it occurs outside the sane and rational area where responsibility occurs.
Anonymous, I am sorry for your pain and I hope that it gets better soon.
I don't know if you realize it – most of the details from the "Ugly" post, especially surrounding the circumstances of Tony's death will become a matter of public record. But the context that Lori is putting them in, that what happened occurred in a moment of madness will be less clear. Tony's loved ones (including you) have a choice about whether or not they read this blog.
Tony was a human being – and no human is ever perfect. We are suspectible to moments of madness. And sometimes we do not manage to overcome those cancerous voices in our heads – that try to persuade us that suicide is the solution.
I never knew Tony personally but from the way that Lori describes him – he was a very caring bloke, and it seems unlikely that he would want an additional burden placed on his children's mother at this very difficult time. So while you may not understand Lori's honouring his memory – do you really think your behaviour is?
Lori, my thoughts are with you and your children. Lots of love.
I apologize for posting twice on this, but I feel I must.
First, I did not intend my last comment to be accusatory toward Tony. From what you have described, this final act was NOT made by the Tony you married, nor the Tony everyone knew and loved. It was DONE by his illness. I know that. That in no way should put a mark on who he was.
That said, it also means this was not done by YOU. Not your words, nor your actions, nor lack thereof. Blame the illness. The what-ifs cannot ever happen. As nightmarish as this is, it cannot be taken away.
Anybody who claims this was anyone's fault is not dealing with their own grief properly. They do not understand depression. They do not want to blame Tony, which is fine, but they do not see that the solution isn't blaming YOU. It is in accepting that Tony was drawn into his own illness so far that it took over. Period. It is ok to be angry at what happened. It is even ok to be angry with the person Tony had become in that moment. In those days and weeks leading up to his suicide. That wasn't YOUR Tony.
My only experience with mental illness was with my abusive ex. I still loved who he used to be, but despised what he became. Despised the actions that hurt US. I thought it was my fault, too. It wasn't. It isn't YOURS, either.
Taking care of small children, pets, household chores, bill paying, shopping, whatever, requires both physical and mental energy. You are maxed out of that energy right now. Anyone would be. To attempt to deny yourself as much time as you need will not fix things. It will hurt you and those babies in the long run.
There is no shame in needing help. There is no gain in not asking for it.
Get on with it? Get over it already? Are they out of their ever-loving minds? How very selfish.
Well, I hope all these brave anon commentators are proud of themselves. Congratulations, you've broken her. Slowed her down from her 'getting over it' that you wanted.
And Lori, don't listen to them, they're wrong. I know they've hurt you, but they're wrong. One thing I hate about Australia is, if there's domestic violence, people don't want to hear it, especially the bloke's friends. If there's mental illness or suicide, nup, don't wanna know. Don't give a stuff what you went through. He was a top bloke, shut up.
Yes, Tony was a great bloke. Something was clearly wrong, and he did some bad things as a result. But his 'mates' don't want to hear about it.
I'm upset to see Lori, that you are blocking comments, of course I implicitly understand why; it's because you've been bullied. What upsets me about it, is that they've won. Congratulations for taking away a good way that she was able to reach out for support, someone to talk to: US. In blocking all of you out, she's blocked out people who are genuinely concerned for her.
Lori, we're just as concerned about you as your kids, please don't think differently. This is invisible mother syndrome again. On a much bigger scale.
Thank you all so much for kicking an innocent person when they're their most down. How much better than the rest of us you must be, to be able to see and point out how terrible everyone else is. What a big help. Bravo.
You know what I think? I think you couldn't put your name to the cruel things you said, because you know you're wrong, and you're a bunch of bullies. I think deep down, you know you should be ashamed of your treatment of a grieving mother.
i don't know if you will get to read this lori but i want to comment on your last few posts.Tony's death is Tony's fault.NOT YOURS and not anybody elses.If people are putting the blame on you that's just a piss weak copout. He did it to himself.And you are not to blame.And how dare anybody set the rules for how you should grieve and how long you should grieve for.This is your blog,your voice and you do what you need to heal because in the end it's your life and only you know what works for you.
Lori can you take down that post because Lori ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. No one is perfect in anyway and hell if everyone resorted to suicide with everything that bad happens then there will be no one on this fucking earth.
No one is perfect and I know that the post really is out of anger at people and what they are saying. But do you know what Lori you are doing better than a lot of people would be doing.
WRITE SOMEWHERE YOU CAN SEE ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. Its easy to point blame but honestly what did his freinds and family do? Did they try and get him to seek help?
The aftermath of suicide is horrible and I am sure that a lot of people are "ashamed" that someone they loved sucided but by people talking about it especially in the raw times will that stigma be broken down and people may feel confident in seeking help.
ITS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was not your fault.
No matter what you're telling yourself, it was not your fault.
You do what it takes to help you through this dark time. I'm hoping you have enough genuine people around you who will actually step up and do something constructive as some of your true friends actually have done – and will continue to do. Without a time-frame on how long – just so long as you need it. I wish I could do more than just offer you my support and love. x
You. Lori. Hugs. Love. Everyone else. Fuck off.
Replying to Blood – Long time reader from before, first time posting…
I can't speak for others and everyone's experience is different. Everyone's catalyst is something unique to them… what I can speak from is my own experience…
The day I attempted suicide the first and last thing I thought about was my family. I didn't blame them and I did to an extent push them away with harsh actions rather than words. My thoughts were still of my family… I wasn't thinking about how messed up I was or how anything had contributed to this point or even how this was so not the right answer. There was no rational me, not mentally ill me would never in a million years think this was the answer but that is what this illness does, it chips away until there is nothing left. My sole thought that day was how if I died this would be better for my family. Like wtf?
I was wrong. I had the advantage of time, Tony didnt, he was wrong, he didnt get that advantage that some of us do.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
You may not see that now but in time, I hope, that you will.
There is no rational here, there is no logic, it's just fucked up!
FFS! I can't believe that someone has the audacity to comment on here and accuse Lori of being disrespectful.
Call me crazy but I think that disrespectful is bullying a man's widow. If you want to show respect how about doing that by supporting the woman he loved, the mother of his children. It's not so hard – a few meals, an invitation to go out for drinks, baby sitting the children for a while, washing the car. Simple things y'know.
If that's too hard then maybe just sticking to the theory that if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all.
As for the threats of removing your children Lori – only a total nong living in stupidbitchistan with absolutely no knowledge of family law would come out with something so utterly idiotic.
We do not know each other, but I have cried through reading your blog. KNOW THAT THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Not! Not! Not! Please do not accept responsibility for your husband's death or anger in life.
Holey dooley. To Tony's family commenters: this is Lori's blog. Her space. If you do not want to know the details, don't read. Respect her right to an opinion, respect her right to grieve publicly, respect her right to tell the truth.
Geez. What an eye opener to the closed door mentality to domestic violence. If your husband hits you, abuses you, traumatises you, don't talk about it. For his sake. Bullsh*t to that. Lori is the victim here. Lay off the victim!
She needs support. Period. If you care about those kids then help her.
And for the record, NOONE is to blame for their spouse abusing them physically. NOONE is to blame for a spouse developing a mental illness and committing suicide. No matter what Lori did, no matter what she said, she did NOT cause this tragedy. In any way.
Oh god Lori, I just want to hold you and rock and tell you it will all be okay. But I know that for a long time it won't be. But If I was there I could hold you and tell you this is NOT your fault. That is true, no matter what. Hugs honey.
No one knows what it was like to be you, to be your husband's wife, to live your life.
No one can blame you for your husband's suicide (and be correct) for one simple reason… suicide is committed by one person, the person who kills themselves.
I doubt your husband was perfect to you. You've listed reasons why you feel you were a bad wife… but that doesn't justify blaming you for his suicide. It was his choice. Only he can be blamed for killing himself because he made the physical choice to do it.
I don't know how you're coping. I honestly couldn't do it. I think I'd just lie in bed and starve to death, or maybe even kill myself. But I guess after being through that, you don't want to do that to your kids. Hey, maybe some people do easily move on from a husband's suicide but I certainly don't think that's normal or common. Great if it's that easy… but it was your whole life and you probably loved him. Just staying alive and getting out of bed at all is being a good mother right now. It only happened a few weeks ago!
P.S. to anyone who reads this, I don't know this woman at all and have never spoken to her in my life but a friend I have who reads a lot of people's blogs linked me to it and I'm simply stating my true opinion.
You are doing a fabulous job with all you have on your shoulders! Never forget that. Don't let anyone take away your self esteem.
HUGS!
Lori as always much love to you xx
and just to point out to Anonymous, you dont accidently stumble accross a blog unless you are looking for a blog, so to say "imagine how hard it is for his mother, brothers, sisters nieces and nephews are feeling, did they read lori's blog before, or are people just spying on her after all this shit happened??
im sure if the shoe was on the other foot his family would stand by him, so why is no one standing by lori? why are they not taking these blogs as shit this women is completely broken, instead of just worrying about how they feel,why are'nt they reading these blogs and going fuck look at all these people around the world supporting her and wishing they could be here to hold he and say this is all fucked up!! instead of worrying about how the words she is writing will affect them and telling her to get it together,its seems really sad that the ones closet to lori are the one's that dont understand what she is going through,i understand that all of tony's family are mourning but fuck,turning your back and threating to take her children is not going to give her an instant cure, and im sure if she had not written this she would of spoke it ( i dont not no her personally but she does not seem one to bite her tounge)
and to say you dont no what happened before he done this, is basically blaming her WTF, you could not even begin to fatham what happens in a house, people fight shit happens, no one would ever expect or deserve for this to be their punishment for the rest of their lives, to loose a family member is hard because the moment they come into your life you love them instantly, to loose your husband is devestaing!!
you fell in love with this person, it was not all you knew ( and by that i mean family you have no choice but to love them) you find the one person on this earth,your soulmate that can walk by your side, make you laugh , make you feel complete and that has been ripped away!! i dont no if you can fully ever recover from that
Lori i usaully sit back and dont often comment but this is beyond a joke, you get given more time to recover after having a baby than what they have given you to recover after the loss of your man!!
Lori, I don't really know what to say, but I just wanted to reach out. I've read your blog on & off, I enjoy your random ramblings, with no set theme. I enjoy the way you write is honest & raw & how most of us really are – not as a blog version of yourself. I was shocked to come back to RRSAHM to hear what you are going through. Yet still, I find myself rivetted by your writing. It's raw, it's real, I believe it's honest. I am sorry for what you are going through, I can feel it from reading.I know you are on the biggest rollercoaster of your life right now, no-one that hasn't been there can understand those innermost feelings. You have times of rationality & times of irrationality. I know it hurts.. all those nay-sayers, but I know you know that by putting yourself out here, in the blog, as you always have because it's right for you, you put yourself out to those people & so it's only fair that they get to have an opinion too. It's a 2 way deal. Good on you, for turning comments off! If that's what you need to do, do it. The blog is yours, you keep it the way you want to keep it. Keep control, that's part of how you "get on with it". Don't let them take your control, just like with your kids – you own the situation.I can't understand what your life is like, but I think you are doing the best you can with what you've got right now. You seem to be getting the professional help, that only others can provide, that you need. I like that you won't stigmatise your childrens' father's death for them. Suicide is serious, as serious as all those other death causing things, that for some reason we have no trouble with, even making ads for.I believe this will help them later in life, not blame themselves for his death. And you, you are right not to blame yourself. No matter what your faults, no matter what Tony screamed at you, he chose his path. No one forced his hand, except a mental illness – which there are other forms of help for. And, Tony chose you, I'm guessing those people with stuff to say probably said it to him, and he chose you still.You appear to be on a healthy path, you are writing both good & bad, not floating along in a dream state, so you appear to be on the road to successful healing. You, remember you (& the kids) and make decisions with your professional help that are the best for YOU. If your supposed friends (& family) can't be with you for the decisions you are making – so be it. You are doing this for your family. You'll make new friends. I know that hurts too, but hey it couldn't be any worse than the hurt you've endured to date..right? Keep on keeping on, I for one am enjoying your blog & praying that your life will return to normal sooner than later. Angela.
Just in case the anonymous's are still reading:
http://au.reachout.com/find/articles/posttraumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd
http://www.acpmh.unimelb.edu.au/trauma/first_response.html
http://www.acpmh.unimelb.edu.au/trauma/recovery.html
http://www.acpmh.unimelb.edu.au/resources/resources-community.html#fact_sheets
Inform yourselves.
As an outsider looking in, and yes, what a lucky fucker i am to be that, the criticism is clearly bourne from such anger, misdirected anger. They are grieving too, and you have become the target. Perhaps they cannot forgive themselves for things they wish they'd done, said to Tony. Totally fucked up. totally unjustified. Just remember that. This isn't actually about you.
You'd think they could keep it to themselves and recognise it is such though.
x
Dear G-d…
First, I was crying, then I was MAD, then I was sobbing.
Some call suicide the ultimate in self-harm. I now see it as the ultimate in abusing others. Yes, that man was ill. Yes, in health he woukd never… But, dammit, he DID. Why doesn't matter. Had he beat you into a bloody pulp, tore down your house, burnt up your last dollar…would ANY- FUCKING- BODY DARE say any of this was your fault? Would they accept, or even expect for you to be still devastated after a very short five weeks?!
I want to throat punch every person who has added one iota to your grief!
I have never met you, and likely never will. Yet I want to make this all go away. How could anyone who knows you IRL not want to do everything in their power to help?!
G-d help them.
Carol, USA
Just a thought…which might be redundant because someone else might have had the same point to make.
They tell you ALWAYS (every single time, because it's THAT important) put on your oxygen mask BEFORE helping those around you, including your own childrent.
There's a reason for that.
I never comment, I read, I also only started following AFTER. I read a lot of love, and don't understand the confusion… but I do understand that what makes sense in grief is NOTHING. Maybe it's their grief, and I agree that the other posters are correct – you being open and raw FORCES them to deal with theirs when they don't want to.
Never having dealt with anything like you are, I can't say "I get that" but what I can say is that I am a PTSD survivor (it's like being a recovering alcoholic, you don't get CURED) and have stifled grief issues surrounding the death of my father for over 3 years now. I can say that I know the combination of tying one thing to the other, (my original PTSD had no connection, but during his last months, some of the situations revived in FULL the PTSD issues…they say secondary trauma can take you back to square one.) can be crippling. So to have the grieving be about the same thing as the trauma is an immeasurable burden. That's all I know of the situation. That's it. But that's enough.
While I'm of the variety to jump on the bandwagon of "F*ck em", I'll refrain from adding to that shitstorm and simply say that Lori, you're in my prayers. And Bump, And Chop. And your own mom and family, who no doubt have to grieve too. It's not a quantifiable thing. It's not limited to those who shared blood ties, or those who knew him longest…it's yours. It's grief. And it sucks a LOT.
Keep blogging. Keep purging. But I will ask you to stop one thing. Blaming yourself. While I don't know you, and I can't know what transpired in real life prior to this…I can know that what happened isn't something that one person gets the blame for. It just can't be. Unless you TAKE the life (as in murder) you are not to blame for a death. I believe that with all my heart. And all the people around you who feel you are to blame, they're just dealing with the guilt of not doing anything to help since OBVIOUSLY they think it was so bad before.
Praying. Always. And I hope that someday, somewhere along the way, you just get to have quiet. Because I do know…the images, the sounds, they are there…all the time…and you are doing what you need to. And I say you're amazing. That's all…
Oh Lori, I am in tears for you right now. I commented before that my father committed suicide when I was a teenager and I lived through years of guilt over it, if only I had said or done this, he'd still be here.
This is NOT your fault.
This wasn't about you spending money or that you and Tony fought at times. Tony was ill, and if he died suddenly of cancer, no one would be judging you.
Suicide is a cancer, it spreads and spreads and you can't see any gaping wounds or visible scars to say: "hey, maybe you should go get that checked out."
The thing that gets me is the people who even think for one second that anyone reading this Blog is blaming Tony or thinking poorly of him. To all the Anons, Tony's family and friends, your Tony, Lori's Tony – he was a wonderful person. He was handsome and big and Lori's soul mate. She's said it dozens of times. Why are you glossing over the good and focusing only on the bad?
When the bad started, Tony was slipping steadily away. I wish he'd gotten help, I wish there were a million things to do, but like my father, there's more than enough guilt to go around and trying to pin it all on Lori is sanctimonious bullshit.
Lori – not your fault, but (as you said) Your. Truth. Your reality. Tony is at peace, he is floating up there, no worries. Lori is the one here, in the grubby, painful, rotten aftermath – dealing with each blow, each set back, each image, every memory and all the "should have beens." It is not her fault, but it's her reality. To Tony's friends, please understand there's a huge difference and research mental illness and suicide. It's insidious, it's poison, and Tony or Lori or anyone else is no more to blame for it then if cancer had put a giant tumor into Tony's brain and caused his personality to change.
No one is blaming Tony. Even if Lori gets angry (which is understandable) – she isn't blaming him for something he couldn't control.
And we shouldn't blame her.
Lori, NOT YOUR FAULT.
Hugs,
Tara
Honey – please do not let the fuck wits win. I just read your post (Blood) and leaving comment here because I can't leave one there.
They're fucking idiots if they believe that anyone made your husband do what he did. He did it to himself. He made that choice. Twice. Once when it failed and again when he tried again. It is NOT you. Everyone has a choice, and he made his. The people left behind are paying for his choice, particularly you and the kids. No one else can feel it like you do, and no one else could.
Yes, he was their friend, but he was YOUR husband and the father of YOUR children. Your pain is on a completely different level – it's not even in the same hemisphere.
Please don't let them do this. Don't let them drag you down to their level. Don't let their warped ideas make you think you're doing anything wrong, because you're not.
And who the fuck are they to say that if they were in this situation, they would act such and such a way? How the fuck would they know!? They should spend less time with their heads up their arses and more in the real world.
It will take time, how much does not matter, but you will find what you need to get through this. You may never 'get over' it (as they would say), and that's fine. You don't need to. What they don't seem to understand is that this reality is part of your life now and you need to live with it 24/7. They go home to their complete families and can sleep at night.
Lucky them.
Now they can fuck off and leave you in peace to learn how to live this new reality. A reality that no one would choose, and they're bastards for treating you the way they are.
You are doing what you need to do – and nothing else matters.
x
I've been following from afar for a while now, and officially just after all of this happened. My situation nowhere near compares to yours. I was in hospital for six weeks, away from my family. My husband suddenly found himself a temporarily 'single' Dad and still had to work full time. My Mum picked up a lot of the slack. Yes, she was exhausted. Yes, she was thoroughly worn out and that is when other people stepped in to help HER. If these anonymous people are so close to be able to observe this then I don't understand why they can't help. Even in the most minor of ways. A friend of mine a whole state away spoke to her father and step mother and they kindly prepared meals and took them to my family. If you anonymous people were close friends then you should be ready to help. Instead of judging and critising. Instead of saying you would do differently if you were in such a terrible situation. HELP!
Reading your blog makes my heart ache. It is so terribly horrifying what you have gone through. I could never imagine being in your shoes. I don't know you, but if I did and I was there I would certainly be doing all I could to help you through this.
Sending you lots of online support. I hope you continue to deal with this, and grieve in whichever way you choose.
nine years ago i fell into a hole so deep that all I wanted to do was sleep forever. i had a plan. I knew what I was going to do. when I was going to do it. I was going to make it look like an accident because somehow in my fucked up head I thought that would be better for my two children. A friend unexpectantly arrived that day. And I ended up in hospital for 17 days, and went away for another two weeks. I was vacant. devoid of all emotion. empty. a husk. when i came back I left my husband. I moved with my children. I don't remember packing. I don't remember moving. In fact I don't remember most of that year. Post Traumatic Stress will do that to you…
What's my point… Keep breathing. one breath at a time. Its so easy for people to have an opinion – god help them if they ever actually have to FEEL what you are feeling…
thinking of you darlin. and wishing that I could do more then just that. xoxox
Jesus. Lori. This is fucked up. Please please take care of yourself. I am worried about you.xxxx
Lori hun, fuck the do gooders! NO ONE can possibly know how you should be acting, giving you a time limit on your grieving. Even people who may have lost a loved one – they are not you, and they were not Tonys wife, they are not the mother of your children they do not live your life so fuck them!! just keep swimming hun, your doing the best you can do and thats all you need to do, sending you all my love xxxxxxx
Hi Lori,
I know I'll come up as anon cos I don't have a google account – it's Lou H.
This is NOT your fault…how can anything so fucked up be anyone's fault?? It's a shit, fucked up situation and I am so sorry that it has happened to you and your family. No-one knows how they would deal with this situation unless they have been there.
Any grief and/or family counsellor would tell you to look after yourself first. How can you be any use to your kids if you are broken? Why don't people get that?? We hear over and over every time we get on a plane (and I am sure you will some time soon) that if the oxygen masks are needed get yours in place first before you try and help anyone else. This time is your oxygen. You need it. Breathe.
And for those who are looking on, sat back with your oxygen masks fitted snug over your faces as Lori and her family struggle, take a long hard look at yourselves. How dare anyone say "if it was me, I would be with my kids.."??? People deal with things in different ways…wake up! 5 weeks to get over the death of your soul mate??? For real?? My uncle passed suddenly in September (yes my uncle – not my life partner, not the person I share my secrets with, not the person I share my bed with, not the person I have beautiful children with, not the person I exchanged rings and vows with…my uncle) and I am still gutted. Not the hell hole fucking gutted that Lori is feeling right now…but still gutted.
Lori, I'm sorry that people feel they can say these things to you and about you (anonymously). I am in complete agreement with the commenter who said that these people are dealing with their own grief. Unfortunately, you are not dealing with it in a conventional way which makes you a target. They no doubt feel some of the anger you have about this situation and they have no other outlet. I feel sorry for them and I wish them some insight/peace so they can get over themselves and help.
It doesn't matter where you stay, what you do and who you do it with when you aren't at home. What matters is that you are getting that oxygen.
I'm in the Inner West in Sydney – if I can help/cook something/listen/make cups of tea – give me a yell. I'm on facebook – Louise Bradbury.
Sending you much love x
Lori it's Bullshit!!! You're not to blame and you are what your babies need. Just as you need them. I'm sorry I'm so far away and a stranger in RL. If a comment can help, I truly hope these 200 odd do.
Sarah
PS Fuck the fools that are scared of me and your strength
big hugs, I can't imagine your grief and the last thing you need is people apparently close to the whole situation critising you. Last thing you need. If they are so concerned then offer to help and get involved don't just be anonymous and make a grieving person feel even worse.
keep doing what you're doing, in my experience family and friends who don't blog or don't like blogs just don't get it and think it's so weird to talk about it but heh your blog, your words and your healing.
corrie:)
Wow Lori…you have all these family and friend 'stalkers' of your blog who want to criticise you for your actions but hell, I don't see them realising in your words how much you are in pain and need time and support and shoulders to lean on and push away at times….how about you stalkers get off your f'ing keyboard and go and help Lori, go and help her mum, go and help her kids or f'ing think of something constructive to do to help instead of dropping nasty comments on her blog??
I appreciate your blogging Lori, I come here once a day to see how you are and I appreciate how real you are keeping this. I have a friend who lost a partner and although on the outside my friend seems ok, I'm realising there are a hundred thousand cracks beneath the surface that what you're blogging about are helping me see…
I wish your friends and family IRL were the 99% of good people supporting you online xx
Oh Lori, I'm appalled that someone would dare judge you from the comfort of their cushy 'myhusbandneverhunghimselfinfrontofme' lives. For fucks sake, seriously? How. dare. they?
To all the anonymous ones who believe they know best how to mother lori's children, and help her through her grief with tough love – please before you do that, call a grief counsellor, call a specialist, who understands post traumatic stress disorder and grief, and knows best how to help.
Make sure you have an informed perspective, and not a gut reaction. Do not think you know all there is to know, just inform yourself !!!!
You could do more damage than good!! And in the long run that won't help Lori or her children, or any other family members in their relationships or lives.
Lori, I started following your blog just before this tragedy occurred in your life although I usually get a chance to skim and rarely comment.
I am not going to get into the debate that has ensued but I wanted to tell you that I do know another woman who lost her husband a few years back (not suicide, a motor bike accident) and she was only telling me recently how she just stopped when it happened. She just didn't know how to move forward. She couldn't look after her kids. And it took longer than five weeks to get back to being their mother full time.
Just in case people are assuming that your way of handling grief is totally off the rails in comparison to anyone else. I know everyone grieves differently but in this instance you are not the first to grieve this way and there is nothing wrong with it. My friend's children are fine. They have a new improved version of their mother back that I doubt they would have if she had not disconnected for a while.
And nobody should say "If I was in this situation, I would …" because the reality is that until you are in any situation you have no idea how you would handle it and it is a very ignorant view on life.
May your days become brighter Lori. I think of you often.
Hello,
I am a Real Friend from the Real World.
I Came when everyone else Left.
While the haters can talk from their boxes-made-entirely-of-soap, when Lori needed help. They. Were. Not. There.
I was. And as the only present person, I am the only one that can testify to her amazing resilience and mothering. I am not a mother, and so I could not have propely cared for two under 4 if I had tried. Oh, I did try to help, but with Chop at the "No, Mummy do it!" stage, and Bump teaching me just how far you can spread strawberry jam when not wearing a bib (Wow), and to screw bottle lids on TIGHTLY, I think I was more hinderence than help….
She is a tough nut, but she needs kid-glove treatment at the moment. It is not hard at all to just BE there, without opinion or judgment, as it is not our ace.
This is my first post. I have been reading your blog for quite a while now – in the before and the after. I will email you because I have some things I want to say to you personally but mostly because you have touched me to my absolute core.
To the annonymous poster (who may be a coward or may not have a google account) I just wanted to say a few things.
Lori's children are being well looked after. Her mother may be feeling the strain that suddenly inheriting the majority of the care of two small children brings but I would have thought she would be relishing the opportunity to help in such a practical and profound way in one of the darkest periods of her child's life? I know I would do it unquestioningly for as long as needed. She is providing the stability those little people need more than anything else at the moment and that will help ensure their resilience into the future. If she needs to seek help for herself (because she is undoubtably struggling with this situation too) then she should do so. Mental and physical health go hand in hand and she needs to look after herself as well as the little people she is helping to shelter at the moment.
I have witnessed first hand the conditional help and support thing. I have learnt (for me) that it is because I am such a strong person others don't cope well when I am not in control and strong. They don't know what to do or how to do it for me. That is their stuff but it totally impacts on me in a profound way.
My advice to Annon is that he and his family need to brainstorm some practical ideas on how to help not only Lori but the people caught in the ripples of this event. Then they need to 'action' some of those ideas and encourage others who are bystanding to do the same. This way everyone who is involved in this can be supported.
I am so heart-sick over this whole thing and wish i lived close enough to do whatever was needed whenever it was needed by whomever needed it… you know annon?
I also put up my hand to putting a plan of suicide into place and started the motions. Like webdance says when your in that state there is really limited rationalisation going on. Its horrible being in that place and sadly Tony was also in that place. But the difference between us both is that I had at the time a little bit of myself there and called my drs for help. Sadly for Tony he was in a worse place.
I am sorry for all of you, Lori, and her family as well as Tony's family for what has happened as the aftermath for you all is horrible. You ALL need help to get through it.
Blaming people, gossiping is not going to help. Eeveryones emotions are just so raw at the moment. If you dont want to face what Lori writes here then simply dont read her blog. Its her outlet so let her have it. If you need help then seek professional or support groups. You all need to hang in there with each other.
"I don't know Lori IRL but in defence of the person being attacked for mentioning the childrens names, I thought I would point out that Lori has written their names on this blog herself eg when announcing the Borg of her daughter. Lori, perhaps not out of shame but out of respect for the wishes of Tony's relatives and friends, you should remove all references to names and photos to protect your own privacy a well as that of others…"
On that respect, bite me. Tony never had a problem with me publishing photos of me, him or the kids on my blog. As far as I can think right now, that decision still stands. I'll review it in the future, when I can be fucked.
I do believe this discussion has been had a million times amongst mummy bloggers before, so I'm not going there, to defend myself, again. Especially to someone who doesn't know me IRL.
Like I said, I'll review that decision in the future. At the moment, I'm too busy fucking surviving to be arsed. i might update my About Me page first, eh?
Oh, and cordially, fuck off. OK? OK.
(And what the hell is a borg? Bless you, auto correct.)
To the commenter (Feb 18, 3 a.m. ish) who keeps talking about Tony's *choice*, I'm guessing you've never been suicidal?
I'm one of those really rational people who believes that almost everything in life is a choice. But I've also struggled with mental health and suicide. Did you know that in the days, weeks, especially the minutes before suicide, there's a horrible spiral of thought that is virtually uncontrollable? Suicide may look like a choice to others, and it inflicts the same pain as a selfish choice, but know this: Suicide is *NOT* a coherent, rational choice. Been there. Just saying.
And if you were ''getting on with it'' they'd call you a bitch and say you didnt care. You cant win either way, so you need to do what feels right for you and YOUR kids. If they dont like the things you're writing, it ain't hard to turn off the computer!
You have love all around you, you just have to read these comments to know that.
xx
Take your time Lori.
If all the people who were so quick to criticise would just step up and help out, maybe they would see the results they desire a little bit quicker!
People heal with support, not negativity!
I don't know Lori IRL but in defence of the person being attacked for mentioning the childrens names, I thought I would point out that Lori has written their names on this blog herself eg when announcing the Borg of her daughter. Lori, perhaps not out of shame but out of respect for the wishes of Tony's relatives and friends, you should remove all references to names and photos to protect your own privacy a well as that of others…
To the Anon comments (and IRL people) I implore you to seek counselling.
Your attacks on Lori are showing that you are not facing this situation. You want her posts to go away because they make YOU uncomfortable. They are forcing YOU to face your grief, and you are bottling it instead and trying to make Lori's pain go away so you do not have to face yours.
This is not healthy. Not healthy at all and if Lori's blog posts have taught us anything it is that bottling this stuff is the worst possible thing you can do.
I am not going to attack you because you are grieving too. But you need to stop your attacks on a grieving widow as you are making the situation worse. It is not her fault that this has happened. Like it or not, Lori's perspective is the most invaluable one as she lived and spoke with the 'Real Tony' (not the front he put on at work or at functions) every day. Radical personality changes (covered easily by her describing him as a different Tony to the one she married) are indicative of a psychotic break.
Try and face the reality of the situation and stop trying to shut Lori down because unlike her you have the luxury of ignoring it.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this criticism on top of everything else you've been through. Everyone deals with grief and trauma in their own way and their own time and no one has the right to tell you to "get on with it". You can see from everyone's comments that you have more supporters than not. Hang in there. Wish I could do more to help you. XXOO.
Hear hear to what Betch said.
I just wanted to visit Lori and echo what others have said — that grief has its own time-table — and no one can rush it — and the best thing you can do is honor it. People rushed my mother through it after my father's murder — she tried to 'pull it together' — far too soon — and we traveled a hard road as a result… we came out into the sunlight though — and you and your little ones will too. I promise. Your wishes for them, your dreams for the wholeness and happiness — their lives free from this event — it will come true one day.
Love
Pam
Hey Lori, I just wanted to link you up wiht my blog post I did this morning. I hope it might help just a tiny bit.
http://www.hawkercentral.com/sjh/2011/02/18/how-long-should-you-grieve/
Love ya lots xx
There is no *right* time to think or deal or comprehend grief. Anyone who ever says otherwise is wrong. I'm so sorry you've been made to feel worse than you already are.
Wishing you love, and strength xx
Karen
A special blog post, just for Tony's family – and I promise, it's respectful. Please read before posting again – http://bmidontcare.blogspot.com/2011/02/saving-lives.html
Love your comments, Sarah. When I was going through one of my most intense crisis points, my psychiatrist actually recommended that the best thing for my children was for ME to get well first. That I needed time to grieve, that I needed to get someone else to look after my children, so that I could recover enough to shelter and nurture then for the rest of their lives.
Lori has a whole lifetime of living with this. She needs to get well. Let's everyone focus on helping her get well and stop pointing fingers.
Oh, Lori, this *is* fucked, isn't it?
"Sympathy train"?! What the fuck. That makes sick to my stomach.
For every person out there who is judging you, there are at least ten of us out here who are NOT. Even if we *are* strangers.
No judgement. No expectations.
Sending love and STRENGTH,
Marianna
Nothing I can add that hasn't been said above except that kids are incredibly adaptable, and if mummy's in a rough patch and daddy's gone, they'll adapt.
In 5 years, are they going to look back and remember the 5 weeks, the 5 months, the YEAR that it took for mummy to "get back to it"?
Or are they going to look at the woman who did the best thing she could for them and who put herself back together ON HER TERMS and thank her for being so fucking awesome?
Follow your instincts and do what's right by you, for in doing so you will inevitably do what's right by those children, and by your husband as well. You'll find you already are…
Lori, I do not know you, I do not know your family. What I do know from this blog is how much you love your family – there is no doubt about it. I am shocked that someone you have in your life would say the things that have been said, and to say them publicly. It is quite clear that this blog is therapy for you, and that you are doing what you have to to get through this. Perhaps these “others” need to find something that works for them. It is easy for outsiders and people who comment anonymously to criticise your choices, but they are yours to make and you have to do what is right for you.
I have not experienced the trauma and grief that you have, and can barely imagine it and am in awe of the fact that you are still going, I am not sure I would be. But I guess you don’t have much choice.
It doesn't really matter here why he did what he did, it happened. You are the only person now who truly knows what led up to it. You didn't cause it, you certainly didn't deserve it. No-one is perfect, no life is perfect – we all fight, spend too much money, have less than perfect homes. You need to find a way to protect yourself from those who are taking their own pain and guilt and shame out on you. You are not responsible for them, only yourself and your babies.
I don’t see your blog posts as disloyal, it is just the facts. And it might not help now but just know that you are helping others, opening lines of communication for people and I truly believe that your honesty (yes, even though it is uncomfortable to read sometimes) will save lives.
Please know there are many people out here who wish there was something we could do, who are sending you their thoughts and wishes and want nothing more than for you to find your way through this awful time in one piece. To get to a new kind of normal for you, where you can laugh and dance and love your babies and blog about it – or not- if that makes you happy. Jo
well i don't care what these nuffys who think you should 'get on with it' (which, by the way, i'd love to know what the fuck that means?) say. i think you're amazing. i think your blog is amazing. perhaps that's the wrong word but the emotion that comes through & the raw honesty astounds me. i cry, i smile, i feel your pain & i feel like i am right there with you. if you need to write, you keep doing it. from what i can see you're helping many people.
we shouldn't be scared of the truth or honesty. it doesn't matter if it's not what we want to hear. you're not tarnishing tony's memory – i can feel your love for him. and fuck it, i'd be angry at my husband too.
i hope these people that seem to be such experts on how you should grieve & move forward are providing you with help in real life. and i hope they've had the balls to tell you to your face & not just hide behind 'anon' on the net.
sending you much love & strength xxx
Lori, fuck whatever anonymous is saying [the asshole anon not the lovely anon] and keep being Lori.
You are doing wonders not only for yourself but for anyone contemplating suicide who has a family.
Keep keeping up and get on with it the Lori way.
Fuck whatever anyone else thinks. Pick and choose what you take to your thoughts at night – fuck the negative and keep the positive. Positive people are what you need right now.
Keep up the brilliant way you are coping. You've got counselling, you've got medication – you are taking the right steps. No one knows how long you will grieve like this for and NO ONE has the RIGHT to tell you HOW LONG YOU SHOULD GRIEVE FOR!
I think we should punch them in the vag.
Ames xxx
[Newishness reader who definitely admires you]
This is my third time trying to post a comment, so I'm hoping third time is a charm.
I love how the cowards hide behind the anon. status and cluck, cluck, cluck their tongues at Lori. I would have been surprised at how far some people can stick their heads up their own asses, but I supposed that sort of flexibility is possible when you don't have a spine. Also, Anon – it's "their father, their opinion" – you cretin.
Lori *just* said in this post how she does feel disconnected, but how every re-connection hurts. And you come slamming in on her? What kind of person are you? You do realize that every day she has to call people, lawyers, banks, get groceries, get herself out of bed, try to do a thousand things and see a hundred things a day that remind her of Tony, right? And probably at this stage each reminder, even her own children, cause a lump in her throat and the urge to break down? It's like she gets punched over and over again and you're saying: "don't flinch, ride it out."
I'd flinch. Lori flinches. It's HUMAN to have a fight or flight response. I find it ironic that you're reaming Lori out for wanting to get away from it all at times while you sit under an anonymous username.
Sure can dish it out from that high horse you're riding, but afraid to take it, eh?
And maybe if you read this blog at all (where you'd realize that Lori doesn't use her kids real names) you'd see what the rest of us see, that Lori IS fighting. She's fighting to heal, she's fighting to give her kids their whole mother back, she's fighting to understand the incomprehensible.
As for me "riding the sympathy train" – I'm the goddamn engineer, motherfucker. I have in the past offered to help Lori financially and suggested a Donate button on this page and if I didn't live 6000 miles away in Canada I'd definitely offer more. I've commented often on her blog (Lori says the support helps her) – so I've taken the time to assure her that no matter how alone and fucked up this is, there are people out here that care.
I hope, Anon., that you're able to put aside your petty judgments and do the same. Reach out to Lori, send over a casserole, offer to take the kids for an afternoon. Try to rise above your own ignorance and realize that this situation is more than one person can or should bear on their own, and that there is no "healing time line" – but Lori is struggling and it's time to buoy her up, not taunt her from shore as she drowns.
Hugs to you, Lori.
Sincerely,
Tara (from across the pond in Canada)
I keep thinking of that poem ..do not go gentle into that good night, rage, rage against the dying of the light..
Whatever the day brings, whatever the night holds, whether you are being gentle with yourself or broken and saying it is your fault…whatever it takes, you rage Lori, you talk quietly , you keep the rage and you continue to write..
Because all of that means you are choosing to live, to breathe, to get up in the morning no matter how hard…you go a bit crazy, you grieve as you must, as long as it takes. And that strong heart of yours continues to beat, despite the grief, despite the pain.
Wow! – just Wow – really? For fuckssake would it kill anyone to just share the care of the kids for …. well until whenever. Lori, needs to be there for hugs and kisses, and other people can do the rest – let her go completely anywhere she wants (physically and emotionally) and step in to pick up the slack. Do you think she needs all the other crap on top of what happened? No-one can process this kind of shit – (anonymous) you do it your way, when or if it happens to you – until then – back away or step up and put YOUR big girl panties on!
Anonymous…GROW SOME BALLS! The first Anonymous must be a man so grow some big ones and don't hide behind the "Anonymous" tag. Anonymous from 9.44pm… BITCH is the only word that comes to mind…you too need to stand behind what you have said by using your NAMES…gutless people. With so called FRIENDS like you two who in the world needs ENEMIES..
I know i will show as anonymous so i will state that my name is Claire and i am not the other anonymous commenter.
To the anonymous moron who keeps posting here you all know who i mean
"I know if i lost my wife"
You don't know a fucking thing about what you would do if you lost your wife. How dare you think that you do. I cant say that i would have any idea how i would cope if i lost my husband. Stop being so damn self righteous and get over yourself. Lori is doing her best. No we don't know her personally and yes you may but doesn't that make you all the more ashamed of yourself that we strangers are willing to support her and you a family friend is condemning her.
If you cant support her and the children how dare you ever call yourself a friend. You are not a friend at all. Your less then scum for treating her like this, how can you even call yourself a human being when you have no compassion.
Lori i cant begin to express what i feel for you. You are doing better then anyone can expect you to be doing. Your an inspiration to all of us
Love and Strength to you
After reading the comments, Lori, I want you to know that every single word you have written about Tony has been in praise of him as a husband and father. And most of us read it like that.
We all know well that any words otherwise are ones written in grief – and are thoughts that you are allowed to have, and express!
Please, please don't let that 'Anonymous' – whomever they are – let the idea that anything you've written is "wrong" wriggle it's way in guilt you.
You need release. There are so many of us with open arms and minds and hearts who are sending love to you.
Anonymous "you are all quick to judge… blah blah blah" – you arsehole. Leave her alone otherwise pull your finger out and help. If her mum is having trouble looking after the kids then for god sakes go and help. Stop being an observer and become a do'er.
for gods sakes.
Lori, my thoughts are with you always. I hope you know that.
And please…don't ever feel as though you have to explain yourself. No one but you knows the truth, and no one but you can possibly know what you're going through right now.
xxx
Sending you lots of love!!!
Fine
Sending you lots of love!!!!!
Fine
Sending you lots of love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love!!!!
Lori, I'm a reasonably new reader to your blog. And I just wanted to let you know that there's no judgment here. I just wish I was close enough to be of some help. I read your most recent post with the comments turned off and I understand why. I am just so sorry about this whole situation that you are in. I am praying for you so much. I wish that things could be easier for you and that you had more support. I don't know what you and Tony's relationship was like, but I am absolutely sure that what happened was not your fault. I think that when you said that Tony was not himself when he died, you never spoke a truer word. I hate how possible it is for people to not be themselves, and how so many people just don't understand that.
Your situation is hauntingly similar to that of my old boss, however her husband did not do it in front of her. It happened over 6 months ago, and her and her children are still not back to 'normal' (whatever that is). You just can't rush these things. If you do try to rush the grieving process it will only probably compound the grief and make things worse.
I think the fact that you are getting up and out of bed every morning is so brave. I am even more in awe of the fact that you are still blogging and talking about how you feel, and I think that it is an exceptionally healthy thing to do. After all, it's a part of you and you've already lost enough.
To those friends and family of Tony: We are not judging Tony, and Lori is not putting him down. We can see that he was a loving husband, who became a different person. But please, continue to support our friend and her children.
I really hope and pray that things can get better for you Lori.
Lori, sorry I went overboard:( Didn't mean to upset you
Get off your high horses, I agree in the most part to an 9:44 the names shouldn't be reviled but Lori you have pictures of your children on here? How much more personal can u get writing, in the last moments of Tonys life he blew snot on you, dsnt get much more personal then that. I have only one thing to say, & that is taking a photo at your husbands funeral giving the bird now thats disrespectful. Doesn't get any rougher then that. I'm a close friend of Tonys and that blew me away. Ripped my heart out. You are hurting but there are some things no one should ever do & hats one of them. Tony rip. Lori we love u we r here for u. Unfortantly you don't feel like that.
Oh and one other thing…. No-one is forcing you to read this blog are they? Because last time I checked it was YOUR CHOICE to turn your computer on, come to this site & read this. If it is too hard on you then don't read it. I can understand that some people can't handle this full on raw emotion & that's ok. But please don't bring Lori down because of your own grief or inability to understand why she has to do this.
The thing that is really bothering me about the anonymous commenters is that they all seem to be only concerned about the children. Yes they both need their mummy, but they need their whole mummy. Lori needs to heal & be whole again, five weeks is not enough for that. She should have family & friends rallying around her & looking after her, as Tony used to. It is not just a person that she has lost, but her whole life. Her future plans, holidays, siblings for her kids, watching the kids grow up with their daddy, growing old together. You cannot grieve an entire future in five weeks, for the sake of anyone, it just isn't possible.
I'm pretty sure all of those in real life would know about Lori's own struggles with her mental health so perhaps, no not perhaps, definitely, that should be taken into consideration as well.
Can any of you imagine living in the house where all of this started? Can you imagine having to look into the eyes of those kids & explain that daddy won't ever be coming home, over & over because they are too little to understand & remember? Can you imagine having to look at their beautiful faces & see how much they look like their daddy, without remembering what happened only weeks ago? Can you imagine going to sleep every single night, in the place where you cuddled with your husbands & chatted about your future plans, knowing that all of that has been stolen from you? I can't even begin to imagine it, but there is no way this can be ignored & brushed over just for the sake of the kids.
The children are in good hands. They are bathed & fed & happy. I have seen them with my own eyes as well. I have seen Lori put aside her own grief to giggle with her son, to cuddle her baby girl. It must be exhausting trying not to be sad when your heart is broken so I don't blame her for having time out.
I do actually know Lori, for the anon commenter that questioned whether anyone actually knows her. I have raised a heck of a lot of money for her so she can get through this. I have brought her dinners to help her out. I spoke with her on the phone the day after all this happened, the day that everyone is complaining about her not being there. She was heart broken, a piece of her gone & she was so very angry, she told me "when he gets home he's going to be in so much trouble". I'm not sure I would have sat with someone I was so angry with either. I have however been with her in the after & listened to how much she loves Tony & wishes all of this could go away. And yep I am still supporting her in everything she does. In her blogging, in her need for time away, in anything she needs to do to get by.
Lori, I love you chook xxx
Hugs hun.
After I read this, I came across this post in my inbox, I think you might like it. It was written very well and I think it deals very well with the whole idea of suffering and pain and coping. (Make sure you read it all, she brings up the pros and cons of both suffering quietly or publicly. She makes the point at the end that sharing your suffering affords lots of healing.)
http://www.agileliving.net/2011/02/is-suffering-a-private-matter/
Oh Lori!!! As if the trauma of what happened to you wasn't enough…now all of this. Don't these "anonymous" people realize they are breaking the pieces that you're trying to put back together?
Don't they understand that you have to get the thing happening in your head out somewhere…and this blog HELPS people?!?! And to the people who knew Tony, I'm sorry but if you don't want to hear about the ill person who did horrible things before he took his life, then don't read it. I am a stranger, and even I can see that she didn't write that to destroy anyone's image of the man or tarnish his memory…it's to 1) help people understand that he had a mental break and 2) explain how the trauma is even greater because of the turmoil that led up to his suicide. Get it? She needs YOUR help…not your judgment! As far as taking a pic flipping the bird at a funeral- I'm not going to say that I would be pleased about that if I were Tony's friend….but can you imagine what she'd been through? Months of abuse (due to the illness), then watching him hang himself, then sitting bedside watching him slip away. Can you not imagine how ANGRY you would be? It's a step in the grief process for crissakes!!!
Lori, hang in there! Find a new support group. I would suggest you turn off the "anonymous" commenting feature as well. Either these people can stand behind what they say and HELP you or they're too scared to deal with the reality.
HUGS!!!
Sending you love. This sort of trauma can bring out the best and worst in people. Just remember that you are strong and you words have helped so many.
Lori, I don't know you or Tony, so as a completely objective reader I think you have been totally fair to the memory of your husband. You have stated MANY times he was not himself. You have not claimed to be blameless. You just stated the facts. Even though I know Tony did this horrible act IN FRONT OF YOU, I do not think ill of him. I think he was sick and now I think you are suffering greatly. I think those that are upset with you are more upset with themselves and they have to take their anger out on you. I think you will eventually be fine.
Since comments are closed on your 2/18 post, I will comment here. I just finished reading it after I had just commented on this post. So maybe mine will be back to back. But just wanted to tell you that you are NOT a bad mother. You are protecting your children from what they do not know to be their mother- you are not all better yet. Won't be for a while. That is what a good mother would do. Take some more time, ease back into a routine. Dance if you want to. But please do not try to shoulder the blame for Tony's death. You did not make him do what he CHOSE to do. It is not like he said "Hey, I am gonna get really pissed, go crazy and hang myself in the middle of the day today. And you know what, just to make it even more dramatic, I will do it in front of you and the kids." You didn't have the ability to see into the future. No one does. No blame for Lori, not for this one. Keep taking the meds, they will help get you through this. And maybe soon you can take the kids out yourself and do something fun. That will help heal your wounds maybe just a little bit. And fuck everyone else that gives you crap. Lisa
Most of us do not know exactly what went on before Tony died. But I dont care what it was, he should have NEVER chosen the most selfish thing there is to do. Which in my opinion is leave your family behind to deal with the horrible aftermath. Tony made the decision to hang himself and did it in FRONT OF HIS FUCKING FAMILY. Double, triple the selfishness with that one. Lori is dealing with this the best way she can. If anonymous doesn't like what she is saying, the details and truth of his death then STOP READING HER BLOG. And all other blogs as well as it seems you cant handle the truth. Time will help heal the wounds of the family that is left to pick up the pieces. And it may take years, so leave her the hell alone and let her deal with HER life and getting back to whatever the hell "normal" is in this crazy world. Lisa
One of the anonymouses wants to know how Lori could blog about her husband being in the ICU etc while it was all happening, and says (he?) knew Tony personally.
I'm sure that if you were mates with him, you miss him very much. You feel really sad about his death, and the manner of it, and wish he was still here.
But I bet there are great chunks of your day when you are busy with other things, and you don't think of him.
I bet you don't have images frozen in your mind of him dying in front of you, of his face, of the brutality of his death, of the violence that surrounded him right then.
Get this — understand this — Lori does not have ONE HOUR where she isn't thinking of those things.
Tonys' death is clanging in her head like the noisiest bell you ever heard, deafening her, every freaking minute of every freaking day. She can't get any peace from that, except with time, and by talking it out to try and make sense of what happened to her.
Because YES, this happened to HER. All this pious talk of respecting the dead — well how about some respect for the LIVING? Tony's well out of it now. Lori is left to pick up the pieces.
As for her blogging about it — well it's pretty bloody obvious she doesn't have too many real life people to talk to, who are supportive and understanding. Thank God for the few she does have.
Lori is living right now in what amounts to a crime scene. Her home, her sanctuary, has become a place where she vividly remembers the horror and violence and death.
And you're villifying her for wanting to escape that for a while?
I hope you never have to know what she's going through. I really do. Because if there is any justice in the world, you'd come to know exactly what it is that you're doing to her right now. And no-one should be treated like that. Not even you.
Lori, we love you, chick. No matter what.
Oh and a short something else – I didn't start reading your blog till after Tony's suicide. Not really, not often – but I have this amazing, contradictory, but amazing image of him and you and your world in my head just from the few posts before and the many after I have read – such a lot of love. Such a lot. And an amazing man. You do him no disservice here – the strongest can fall.
And the man you paint even in the saddest of posts is one who was amazing. Thank you for sharing him with us.
lori- i read the blog ahead of this one and had to comment.
its hard to be the primary care giver for your children when you can hardly take care of yourself, when you are so brokenhearted and going through so much pain, not to mention the ptsd.
this is when people are supposed to step up, to step in and help. to care for the children.
we all know how much you love them and how much you love tony- still.
but the best thing you can do for them, long term, is get better yourself.
you are being the best mother you can be right now. you will continue to be the best mother you can be, and your friends and family should bloody well support you every inch of the way.
i think you are right to blog. its your therapy. maybe it makes tonys family ashamed. but… its all been so beautiful. why wouldnt you want to know what happened and whats was going on with your son/brother/uncle???
there is nothing to be ashamed of.
we know you better than these people seem to think.
there is no judgement here because we know your heart and your intentions are in the right place and we KNOW you love your kiddos, so so much.
i wish i could help you lori.
if you need anything, please let all of us know.
and i am sorry your family and friends are turning on you. its so fucking unnecessary and tragic.
hugs and prayer and hope to you-
nellie dilger, usa
PS- nameless cowards!
One thing to say after reading here and after reading your next post is this….
If you can stay together, if you can stay strong and keep your little ones in a safe environment (which might NOT be with their Mum curled up on the floor sobbing or on heavy sleep meds – what if something happened during the night? the pills knock you out and you CAN'T wake up)
If you can keep up their contact with you as much as you can.
If they still want to be around you, if most of their time with you is good time.
If all of this will help your survive the hell that is your life right now so that your two little ones can have a Mum then do it, take the time and for GODS SAKE people – anyone who is telling Lori to 'get on with it' please just stop.
If she was in a hospital right now would you be telling her that? and that would be a valid option – been there, done that, 10 weeks.
Lori – just keep trying, that is all that is required of you. Do not give up. Make your survival and then your reconnection with your bubs the important bits (if you can) and know that we are all here.
When my other half was in the ICU after hanging himself, I broke my vigil to go and buy myself some nice things. I dyed my hair bright red, and boy, did I cop some shit. What to me was an attempt to feel alive, to 'get on with it', was seen as callous. The disapproving air was the last thing I needed. No-one considered – not for a second – what the whole situation was doing to me, so caught up in their own processing they were. I had a baby to look after as well, and you know what? Most days I left him with my best friend.
Now, 10 years on, I am completely unapologetic for that. However, the resentment I feel towards those who tried to dictate my grieving process has never waned.
Anonymous, I want to send a big 'fuck you' your way, but instead I'm reflecting on my own experience and wishing you some self-analysis instead. You're grieving too, but the difference between you and Lori is that she is a convenient scapegoat for your grief, your anger. Such implacable emotion looks for a target, and you've got an easy one. That makes you a human being – albeit a superficial one.
Try to look deeper and walk a mile, as they say. You say you would run to your kids – I think most people who hadn't experienced this exact horror would say the same. Let me tell you now, no you fucking wouldn't. What Lori has is an illness. A creeping cancer, a dramatically failing organ of sorts. She is very sick, and in comparison, you have a mere cold. She is EVERY BIT as incapable of normal function as she would be were this a physical malady. For anyone to expect her to snap out of it under such circumstances, well, I'd call that person completely wrapped up in themselves (if I had time before the C word escaped my lips).
Wake up – this is an ENTIRE LIFE to reassess, the rethink, re-plan. This is finding 'it' – the key to Ever After – and then losing it. This is the feeling of an unending loneliness, a choking heartsick feeling at every turn – one that DOESN'T LET YOU 'pick yourself up'. How the fuck can Lori be 'a mother to her kids' in the sense that you're implying when she has to re-learn who she is – in every sense? All she was left with was love, and YOU aren't the author of love's description. Sometimes, love can't act. Get it in your head. Sometimes, love's hands are bound. Picture that, and try to really imagine how much worse an intense, burning love feels when you can't physically honour it. Imagine how shit you already feel about yourself without some assjerk coming along and kicking you while you're down.
Your attitude is everything that is wrong with how we handle mental illness/issues. Good job.
You have a choice now – either be defensive about what I've said and nothing will change, or take a good look at your attitude, fix up, and maybe – just maybe – you might set off a chain reaction towards a more productive approach to this sort of thing.
To Critical Anonymous Blogger(s): I find it reprehensible that you pretend to care about Lori's children more than she does. No one loves those children more than she does. If you have time to comment, you have time to make the family a meal and get yourself over there to help out. Make yourself useful.
You know, for those people who think that Lori should stop blogging … the funny thing is that she is the best advocate for Tony that can be. She hasn't been saying how much she hates him or how he is so shit … she has been saying how much she loves him and how she understands that it was not 'her' Tony that acted that tragic night. She doesn't feel ashamed of him or anything like that. Why should anyone else unless that is what they perceive of Tony's actions. You know … think like Lori and realise that he was going through something that most people will never understand.
He was still a loving husband, father, son, brother, friend … he just had something else going on.
This isn't the same but after my Mum died, I went straight back to work and got on with things … a year and a bit later I fell down a huge hole that took 3 months to crawl out of – she died of cancer. I can't imagine the trauma that Lori is trying to get through but she needs to heal some and she can only do it with support.
For those of you who are close to her … help her and be there for her. She really needs you, so she can get back to normal. Her Mum might be 60 but whilst I don't know her, she will be fine as long as she is in good health. My Mum was 58 when she died but she normally had so much energy that looking after kids would have been easy for her. Don't get stuck in the fact that 60 is old and incompetent because unless you are ill, that is really wrong.
Just pull your fingers out and help her for goodness sake … stop judging and know that you have no idea of what she is going though and how long it will take to find a new normal. Toni would be so sad at you all … he was a nice guy and he would not like Lori to be treated this way.
Tony's Mum, if you ever read this … don't be ashamed of your son – he loved you, Lori, his children and all of his family and friends. He just lost who he was for awhile. Love him and grieve for him but always remember the guy who you loved.
Lori: Take the time you need, 5 weeks is nothing especially after the horror of what you have been through. Blog or not. You will find your way, as time goes by. Did you not say that the counseller's said that this was the worst few weeks? Don't force what makes your head and heart hurt, just do what you can each day to get into a new routine with you children and your life.
If you ever want someone to talk to and I am a good listener, you can call me on 08 8671 3363. I do not give my number out to just anyone and definitely not publicly.
Oh Lori, once again I'm reduced to I'm so sorry. This is your space, you write what you need to here and we will be here to read it. I wish, above all else, that I could do something concrete to help. Instead, all I can do is send virtual hugs.
xxx
I've followed this blog for only a few weeks and haven't commented until now Lori. I'm sat here open-mouthed that someone (oh sorry 'anonymous') has uncovered the name of your children like that but not named themselves. How incredibly wrong.
I haven't suffered any of what you're going through and every time I read one of your posts my heart truly aches. You take all the time you need to get some sort of normality back in your life – if it's ever really possible after something so horrendous and fuck the rest of them. Your blog is an outlet to vent, to rant, to cry, to laugh, to swear, to communicate but above all to help you stay sane and I, along with all your lovely followers understand that completely.
We don't know you but we know what you've been through and I think you're doing so well. You need time to heal and I'm sure, when they are older your children will understand that. In the meantime I hope all your friends and family surround you and your kids with the love and support you all deserve.
Heather xx
Reposted by Blog Admin, edited.
From 'anonymous' 9:44pm.
Seriously, are all you people for real? Do you not think she is on here riding the sympathy train? I mean who on earth blogs the days around there husband being in icu & his funeral. I happen to know Tony and his family. Imagine for one second how his mother would feel reading this blog over the last few wks. The things that have been said throughout it about about Tony at times have been horrible. Does the world need to know every last detail? Think of not only yourself in a time like this but how your actions impact others. You children may not be able to read but his mum, sister, nieces & nephews certainly can how sad it must be for them also. No one is saying Lori doesn't have the right to be miserable, but put yourself in removed shoes there father hasn't returned & neither has there mother. How confusing for a little child to wonder what has happened to his safe protected little world. As they want is there mummy, 5 wks is not enough time for anyone to move on, but at some point life has to go on, especially for Lori coz those babies need her now more then ever. Everybody is entitled to there opinion & everyone will always have one so here's mine, the best way to remember the "one you loved so dearly" would be to hold the children you made together & cherish them hold them tight for they didn't ask for any of this no one did. Instead of everyone telling Lori how wonderful she is when no one on here actually knows here, you don't know the big picture & all of the horrible things leading to tonys horrific death. Life is not always black & white. Lori: may you find the strength you need to keep going, & know that although it doesn't seem like it the people who loved Tony want you to get through this for yours and your babies sake. You all never leave our thoughts.
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous (you again huh?) – who on earth blogs these things you ask???
Well *I* do actually.
…and so do a whole HEAP of widows and widowers with a computer and internet access.
(Go google widow blogs like SSLF and Fresh Widow which have hundreds of links to blogs just like this one, go google, I'll wait).
….
…and guess what, it helps. a LOT.
not only that it's encouraged by my psychologist and about eleventy zillion papers on PTSD (which I also have … along with a very high IQ, a PhD, and apparently the very rare commodity which is common sense and compassion for the people around me).
So you are asking where do *I* get off??
I ask where do YOU get off dictating how somebody else grieves?
I ask where you get off making threats?
I ask where you get off with all the hating?
Huh??
I don't think there is a specified time for you to snap out of your grief and go back to living like you id before. No one has the right to judge or place these demands on you.
I hope that you receive some adequate support soon – you sure need it.
Take comfort that your blog readers aren't judging you and offer you a shoulder to cry on and a warm hug.
anonymous – this is Lori's way of dealing with it. She neeeds to talk. She is getting help. She is doing everything she can to move on. And at the same time, she is doing everything she can to stop this from happening to someone else. What Lori needs right now, is time. She knows her kids need her, we know that, but Lori needs time. Time to get her head around what has happened. She can't just wake up one day and think 'I might go back to my old life now' and pretend nothing has happened. If you read through her blogs, you will see the progress she is making. So again, anonymous, I ask you, give her time.
Ok, this is bullshit! Where do you get off hiding your real name and exposing the names of Lori's kids?? If you had any concern for those kids you'd respect her wishes to keep their names private for the sake of their safety!
Yes, Lori needs to get on with it! And she fucking well is! It may not seem good enough to any of you, but unless you've had post traumatic stress disorder (I haven't, and am not claiming to have), lost your husband and be stressing about how to look after your kids, then wind your fucking neck in.
Did you ever think it may be too traumatic for her to be in that house?? Did you ever think it might break her heart to look at her precious children and know the pain they're in?
Yes, the kids need help, looking after, and everything. So if you really care, stop with the dirty rumours about what Lori did to supposedly 'cause' this! No one causes another person to abuse them and then kill themselves. No one.
I'm not saying she's perfect, no one is. If you can see she's struggling, then roll your fucking sleeves up and get in, dirty and uncomfortable and HELP the poor woman.
If any of you actually care, then maybe you'd see that taking the kids from her after they've lost their father might be a really fucking STUPID and heartless idea!
You're right, I don't know her, and I'm not there to help her. It must be so fucking easy to sit back so close by, and tut tut and say what she should be doing. You know what? People who truly care, HELP, those who don't, JUDGE and criticize.
And no, the world does not need to know every last detail, but this is Lori's blog and it's oddly enough, helping her to 'get on with it', as you all seem to want her to do. If she doesn't deal with it somewhere, then she won't get on with it, will she?
Unless you've seen what she saw and had to be the one to pick up the pieces, and let's face it, none of us have, whether we're or fucking there, then we have no idea how painful it all is, except for what she's chosen to tell us.
Who on earth blogs about these things? Anyone. Anyone who wants to, that's who. And if you hated it so much, you wouldn't fucking read it. Yes, that's right. If you really thought it was so terrible, you wouldn't read it, and you'd go there and help her. Shame on any of you who are nearby who take the time to read this and don't have time to knock on her fucking door and help her.
Now, before you say to me, you don't know how much I've helped her, I'll agree with you. Because you've come in as an anonymous little upstart, claiming you know her.
Of course the kids need her, of course she needs to get on with it, and guess what? The more help and support she gets, the better chance the whole family has of that happening.
I do feel bad at the thought of the mother reading this, but not because Lori wrote the truth, but because the mother must be upset and ashamed, and for that, my heart goes out to her. But it doesn't change anything. It happened. Lori was the one who was subject to all of it, and you 'concerned' people expect her to shoulder that alone. Shame on you
What the fuck!!!! fuck off to those who tell you to get on with it…these people have no clue and if it was them in your shoes they would fall apart. to annonymous you get on with it and don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out show your real name and don;t hide behind a computer screen…jesus christ this is bullshit.. Lori I am sooo sorry these assholes have said what they have…if you need to cry, sleep, scream do it…and those who judge are not important…I'm sorry to say this is your grief process and how you do it is not wrong. keep writing and doing whatever it is you need to do..take care and just think fuck you to the unsupportive assholes.
What???
They can't take your kids away!!!
How dare they suggest such a thing!
You've been through and are still going through the biggest trauma you've ever faced, you need to have your kids with you now.
Whoever suggested you need to suck it up and get on with it needs a kick up the arse.
Amen to what Kelloggsville said to Anonymous of 6:46 pm.
Guess what – I don't know you or Lori or what is happening there BUT. …
I know what its like to crawl into a bed you once shared with your husband.
I know what its like to try and sleep in that bed.
I know what its like to shake in fear the whole night through.
I know what its like to soak a pillow with tears.
I know what its like to wake up every day and know the man I loved beyond breath, the man I knew better than ANYBODY isn't coming back.
Ever.
Because I know what its like to bury him.
I know what its like to look your kids in the eye and tell them that their father has been violently taken away from them.
I know what its like to wake up every day (assuming sleep was at all possible) and put on a brave face and face the world.
I know what its like to try and function intellectually and emotionally on no sleep.
I know what its like to try and phone him at work before I remember that he is dead.
I know what its like to hold a sobbing child and make up lies about how everything will be alright and I know what its like to tell them the truth – life is broken forever.
…and I know what its like to ask my friends and family for help and to have it freely given.
No strings or criticisms attached.
No threats made about my kids or myself.
No so called "tough love" given (which doesn't work well with grief or depression btw).
So no, I don't know exactly what life is like in gingerbread land, but I can have a pretty educated guess…..and I guess that life there is tougher than you can imagine.
Please PLEASE help Lori by taking the pressure off her, and maybe contacting a grief organisation or Life Line and get some *useful* ways to help her and the kids instead of piling more shit on her.
This life is really fucked up…just like you said. I have just returned from a trip to visit my step daughter. We got the call in the middle of the night. She was hysterical. He meant to kill himself and he did. She is 34 and she is now a widow. Married for 2 1/2 years. She came alive when she met him – we could all see that. We loved him for that. And now she picks up the pieces. Like you do Lori. And I am now relying on you to help us get through this, because the last words they said to each other were very hurtful and her guilt is beyond the mountains that they skiied upon. I am at a loss as to what I can say to her beyond I love you. What I can help to ease her pain. Her 13 year old son was there. He says now that nothing can help her when she cries. He is helpless. Putting on the big girl panties now will not help. It will be one day at a time and it will be what she will make of it. Her new normal. Like yours. She is broken hearted and I want to make it better. As does her mom. She breaks my heart in her broken heartedness. So for all of those who would judge Lori, just fuck off and leave her alone. For everyone else, just let her be…who she is.
To Anonymous 6:46pm.
How fortunate you are to be close enough to be able to see what is happening. Unfortunately most of us 'judgers' are too far away to be of any other use than moral support. If I were you I would stop watching and start helping. Perhaps you could entertain the children for an hour to take the load off or make a casserole and pop it over. That is what I would do if I were you but I am not. Nor are you Lori which makes you equally unqualified to say what she 'should' do. 5 weeks of alternative childcare will not affect the children longterm. Lori needs to heal on her own way as a life time of an unhealed mother will affect them. Allow the professionals to guide her path and as a close or distant community let's support her the best we can.
I know you are seeing a therapist, but are you getting any other professional help? There are volunteer organisations that may be able to support you, to help you stay at home with your kids.
There is no time limit on grief, you need to take your time, but you also need support to get through this. Unfortunately, life goes on.
Contact your local social service organisations and get them involved, if your family and close friends are at the end of their tether.
You can put your children in childcare, get them counselling, get involved in some sort of support group. You CAN do this and you WILL.
I had very little family and friend support. I relied on professional help organised through my GP and childcare.
Very brave of you, anonymous commenter. To come to her blog and insult her without leaving your name? Very brave indeed.
Even if Lori isn't telling us every little in and out, I don't care. You just look at the dozens of people leaving support here, the thousands of dollars people – STRANGERS – have raised for her, and think about what you're saying. Perhaps the reason the family is falling apart is because one member committed suicide in front of his wife, and now other members are telling her to 'shut up, suck it up and deal with it already'.
It's shameful that she should get so much support from strangers, whereas the support from her family is conditional on her obedience. I would willingly trade places with you – you come over to WA and sit here helplessly, unable to help her. Then see how you feel when the people who are supposed to be helping her threaten her.
you are all quick to judge the people telling her that she needs to take her time. Unfortunatly none of you know the truth and what is actually happening here. Lori needs to go home, be a mum to her children as she has not been with them too much at all in the past 5 weeks and i have witnessed this first hand. Her mother cannot look after the kids anymore she is worn out and is 60 yrs old. Lori should have been at home with the kids from word go as they lost heir father and mother practically walked out also, she now needs to pull it together for those kids. Enough is enough, im an outsider watching this family fall apart because of what has happened. Lori needs to pull it together for the sake of the kids and get back home full time, where she should have been he whole time. I know if i lost my wife, my kids are all i would want to be close to. Not running around town doing what she is doing.
Oh Lori. Just so fucked up. You know the right answer is – there is no right answer. There is no right way of dealing with this. Grief isn't linear. You're not on a journey from A to b. You will take the time you need. People are being selfish because they can't take seeing you in so much pain. They're exhausted all other "solutions" so are trying the hard nosed approach. They are probably as desparate as you are. Oh Lori pls keep talking to them. I'm sure they are not all against you, though that is what it feels like.
We are all supporting you.
M2Mx
What the fuck is wrong with people? My mother suicided over 20 years ago and still I sometimes wanna lay in bed crying. I wonder how they would feel if they lost their loved one in such a horrible way? They are disgusting! You are doing the absolute best you can, and honestly, those people are not worthy of you. All you can do is keep going and getting stronger. I only wish I was close by so I could be of some support. I am sending you a great big giant hug. I wish I could do more…
Far out. How are you ever supposed to 'get on with it' like things were before? How annoying for other people that you still grieve. Self-centred, much?
I just can't think of anything that approaches sensible to respond to this. Mostly I just come up with swear words. Some people clearly have no clue, no imagination, no empathy and certainly no compassion.
What's happened to you is truly fucked-up. You take just as long as you need to make your new normal.
This:
Support, I've found, it's conditional, a lot of time. It will be given. But only if you are acting in an acceptable, socially correct way. keeping your grief contained. Not writing about it, not talking about it.
…nails it.
everyone grieves in different ways and in turn find it difficult to comprehend when others do it differently. Some get angry, some get judgemental, some withdraw, some lash out, some do all of the above simply because you are not grieving the same way as them.
You have to shut out those clanging symbols and look to yourself. You know Lori, YOU KNOW, where you are at and what you are capable of. Yes, we all have to step up but sometimes with someone pushing us from behind, sometimes someone standing in front of us cajoling us it will all be OK, sometimes with a gentle hand on your elbow just giving you a slight lift.
But you know.
We are here. Ready to catch you if you fall.
We are here, letting you know that this is not as good as it will be. This is the bottom of the well Lori, the dark, stinky, scary, slimy bottom of the well. Find those who will help you out, no matter how long that will take and move away from those pushing back down the slimy rocks to the bottom.
sweety all i wanna do now is give u a massive hug. your right, right now things suck, u cant put a dead line on grief. i wish i could wrap u in a blanket give u a cuppa tea and just BE with u and tell u things will get better, just take your time ,your doing the best u can.
Great big Hugs
And I've said it here before, and I'll say it again. No one, including me, has the right or ability to tell you how this will go, how long it will take, or what it will look like. This process will suck, and it will never entirely end.
But we're here for you.
No one. No ONE. NOONE has the right to judge you. Today, or tomorrow, or next week, or next month, or next year. EVER.
You have my unconditional love and support.
For whatever that's worth.
5 weeks is nothing. I'd be suprised to hear you were 'getting over it' (who says that shit) in 5 months…Even after 5 years it will be painful (but hopefully a lot less painful).
I'm guessing their wanting to snap you out of it (ridiculous language) is just a concern for you and your kids. Unfortunately it is not helpful at all, and more likely to be detrimental.
Number 1: You are not alone. We are all here. How can we help with finding someone to come over with the needed hug/"I know its all fucked". ?? Surely there is a blogger in the vicinity?
Number 2: It will get better
Number 3: Who is they anyway? What right do they have to threaten taking children??
Doc's aren't knocking on your door are they? Just keep the lines of communication with your counsellor going solid and talk to them about this stuff….
Number 4: Pick your floating/and or fights…if there are people who are being a pain in the ass, steer clear of them completely.
If you can't steer clear of them pick your moments when you spend time with them…spend time with them when you feel strong enough, and avoid them when you dont.
OR
Number 5: Give them the 'post traumatic stress' brochure. And tell them to fuck off.
The sad thing is that people just dont like to face their own emotions. They cant deal with their own emotions on how they feel about what has happened. They are thinking to themselves that they have to suck it up and pretend they are ok. Then they feel you have to.
But what is fantastic about your handling the sad event is that you are accepting the emotions as they come through and you are dealing with them really well. I wonder what they would be like of Tony died in a car accident, illness? would that be easier for them to deal with their grief rather than dealing with emotions about someone who suicided.
But always remember Lori that its their opinion. Tell them "thanks for your opinion but its not mine". You are holding strong for your kids and helping them with what they need right now which is love.
I hope your Drs are helping you deal with these people. Just take the small steps you need and you will slowly take steps forward.
"Support, I've found, it's conditional, a lot of time. It will be given. But only if you are acting in an acceptable, socially correct way. keeping your grief contained. Not writing about it, not talking about it." So true.
Yeah. That. "If I talk, if I complain, people give me a million excuses. For why I've been deserted."
Fuck people.
This post makes me feel so much for you. Because you know what? You DO need to get on with it. If nothing else, for your children, for your sanity. But how do you do that? I just don't know. I'm so sorry that you have to figure that out. I wish your friends and family were a little gentler with you in communicating it. All my love and support.
Rebecca
It is fucked, so very fucked.
If you were closer to where I live, I'd come and tell you that. And I pour a mean juice.
Lori, I'm not going to attack these people you are talking about like so many of the other commenters here. Right or wrong, there are always two sides to every story. Maybe what the people in your life are trying to say is just something you are not ready to hear. I'd like to think they have been trying to help because they love you. (Of course if there are real, viable threats to take away your children that is a serious issue, and one you need to fight with all your might)
Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean that whatever they are saying is right.
I've been going through difficult issues for over five years now (very different type of difficult issues) and I've experienced people telling me to "get over it" and "move on" and questioning my sanity when I am trying very very hard to do the right thing. People can't stand outside your pain and understand what it takes to get through it.
I will say, however, that simply getting up and doing a household chore can actually really help to begin to program your mind and body to get back to *normal*. It's like forcing yourself to smile when you really, really don't want to. It can actually help to lift your mood. Little things. Baby steps. A new one everyday. It sucks and it's not easy but it WILL help.
5 weeks?! 5 WEEKS?! I just don't understand people. I'm so sorry you not only have to deal with the grief you're experiencing, but you're also having to deal with how society and the people in your life expect you to be. It's not right.
It sounds like you're doing everything you can do…and probably so much more. If you can, try and let yourself off the hook even if no one else will and let yourself do what you need to do. Be selfish. I know it's not easy, but you deserve as much time as you can to grieve.
Thinking of you.
Thinking about this a little more, I am wondering if these people judging you so harshly might just be:…FAMILY members you can't really tell to go jump off a cliff (to put it politely). That in itself is probably causing you mental anguish. We can't just turn away from the ties that bind. Blood relatives.
From personal experience with some pretty bad trauma, the people closest to me were the ones who ultimately hurt me to the core…My own mother told me to pull my socks up and get on with it and never once hugged me, listened carefully or empathized. To this day, 13 years later, I am hurt, resentful and have unresolved anger, so yes, I distanced myself by moving to another country in the end. unfortunately those vicious and cruel family members can't really be totally cut off seeing as they are aunts/grandparents to my children.
I feel for you …I really do. xx
You do what you need to do Lori- pushing everything away will make it worse in the long term. Very few people can understand what is is that you are having to deal with- I mean how many people have had done to them what you have?
I think about you every day. If that helps at all.
p.s. just had to say, although I haven't read all the comments, Von's is just superb.
Well… to quote your wish, I'd dearly love to be able to stand in front of you and truthfully, simply say "I know. It's all fucked." Because I DO know. There is a moment (which might last a good few months yet) where it IS all fucked. It's SUPPOSED to be that. You're ALLOWED to call it that.
All this "moving on" bullshit… Let me guess, it's all coming from people who have never had a partner suicide, right? Just like all my sombre, do-gooding support telling me to brush myself off because didn't I think it was time, ALL came from people who'd never had a child die. Never had a miscarriage, let alone the 7 I had already had.
You trust in yourself, Lori. Just stay true to what you're feeling, every painful twist and turn that you physically feel. Hon, it DOES get better, I can promise you that. There's time for that, though. Right now, if it's not feeling right to dust yourself off, then don't! God, when will people LEARN?? It incenses me. And all the talking about you for hours, I can relate to that as well. Not a nice feeling, really. Especially when the outcome is a forlorn look at you and how you're "not coping". Well, no fucking shit! They do it til they tire of you then they can go back to their own lives and you're still left there with it, every second of every day.
My heart is with you. I don't know how else to convey it. xox Just know I'm with you.
Lori, I want you to remember something. Tony was YOUR husband, YOUR lover, YOUR best friend and the father of YOUR children.
You haven't lost him in ONE way, like most of the other family and friends he had, you lost him in MANY ways. To grieve for someone who played ONE role in your life is devastating enough, but what most people dont understand, is that you are grieving for the MULTIPLE relationships he had with you. At every turn, you will be missing him, noticing the void that he has left. It isnt just a daily phone call, a hug on Mothers day or a weekly beer at the local pub. I think for most people that you will be surrounded by, they just wont see or get that.
People go to hospital and have organs repaired or removed and their recuporation is longer than 5 weeks!! Women have hysterectomies and are required to take 6 weeks off from the daily tasks of life. Yet you can lose your husband, be devastated by his death and people require you to move on after only 5 weeks. It isnt right and it isnt fair.
Lori, whatever others opinions of what you "should" be doing by now, they are just that…opinions. Most often these people have no experience in this kind of grief nor do they have the education/insight they need to truly understand what it is to walk in your shoes. Maybe they think they are doing the right thing by their actions and words …I would like to think that they believe they are…but at the end of the day, if they are not able to be by your side to support and guide you through this terrible time of your life…then you are better off without them. Because the negative stuff that they have thrown your way, isnt helpful, it is hurtful and draining. You dont need that Lori.
You are doing an amazing job every day Lori. Hugs.xx
I'm so angry for you that I'm torn between tears, and wanting to hit something. HOW DARE "THEY"?!!! Just keep breathing girl, one at a time, one after the other. And, take your time. The kids are safe, warm and fed. Their mummy loves them and is doing the best she can. No-one has the right to ask any more of you – EVER!
I would disconnect too – hard times for you for sure. I'm so sorry I am not able to help
Oh Lori,
I am so sorry. This is fucked. It really is…and if there is anything us internet people can do to help…if you need funds to hire a baby sitter whatever…ask, and I know that I will do what I can help you, and I am sure that the others that have found your blog and are sharing (although it feels too strong a word, as though we can possibly take away some of your burden) your pain. Reading here, I know you have the strength to get through this and I know it is not easy.
But you are not alone, and it is fucked…and one day it will be okay. You have the strength to get through this.
Yes, people have their own lives, let them go live it and quit imposint their standards on you. This IS your life, you ARE gettin on with it and you're doing it FANTASTICALLY! I don't know what I would do if I suffered this kind of loss, but I know I wouldn't be able to handle it as well as you have. Yes, you've had help, goodness knows we all need help, sometimes more than others. This is a more time, and that's just fine. If people haven't gone through what you're going through then they have no right to impose their idea of "getting on with it" on you. If they HAVE gone through this then they know better! 5 weeks is not enough to mourn years of life together, and if they don't understand that then pity them for not having a marriage worth mourning.
I'm sorry you feel alone. If there's anything I can do to help you feel less alone I will do it. I've had this crazy desire to send you something, like chocolate, but I have no idea how or where to send it. Do you have a wishlist so I can send you something that might help a smidge while maintaining your privacy?
5 weeks long enough to to mourn and move on is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. It actually makes me really angry that people would even think that, let alone say that to you. One of my very close friend's 15 year old son committed suicide last February (2010) and she is just BARELY feeling semi human again. She struggled just getting out of bed for the first 6 months. You know how long you need. No one should tell you that your time is up and to move on. Insensitive stupid people…….
Have they gone through what you went through/still going through? No. They have no right to tell you what you should be doing because it didn't happen to them! I know why they're saying it. They're getting tired of the emotions when they see you, that's why. It's their issue.
I've been reading for about a month now, i found you on Jenny's blog.
I haven't had much to say, because, there isn't much to say. But, i can certainly tell you "I know, it's all fucked".
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Lori, I do know. And it is all fucked.
It does get better. Really, truly. It's been 20 years for me, and it Does. Get. Better. I promise.
Those folks are right, but for all the wrong reasons. You're going through hell so the thing to do is to *keep going*. Get back to the kids. Not because it's time, or you can, but because it will heal you better than anything else. Even though you can't, do it. In twenty years, you will look back and be proud of how you handled this.
Lori, you are a human being and we don't come with instruction manuals and certainly can't be programmed unless we give up free thought. You do what you need to do for you, if people desert you, GOD will replace them. Just know that you are in my prayers and others'. Sending you much love from St. Louis.
wow….I did NOT read the 99 comments before me, so? maybe I am repeating myself, but I decided it is worth repeating? At least I hope it is.
GRIEF is INDIVIDUAL. There is no time line. Sometimes we reach a phase only to go backwards to a prior one and repeat the whole painful fucked up process again.
If people are judging you? Run away from those people straight over to the people who are not judging you.
This advice works for almost all situations involving JUDGING MOTHER FUCKERS.
I am feeling a bit stabby towards these people who are giving you ultimatums.
FUCK those mother fuckers who have never had to go thru watching their spouse hang themselves.
Girl? Go find some support by any means necessary.
email me if you need to and I will help you find some IN REAL LIFE support.
It makes me quite angry that anyone is doing this to you.
my email is amy0724_lynn@yahoo.com
Yeah I don't ever give it out in comments but damnit I am mad.
that is all
Dear Lori
You have to go through this YOUR way. It's YOUR grief, YOUR loss, YOUR shock. No one has a right to chide you like this. I'm sure it's not been easy for anyone to deal with, but they must keep supporting you. And as for suggesting that you are being a bad mother, that's just crap. How would anyone else have coped in your shoes? Most would not have coped as well as you!
How bloody unfair is that?
I think it might, just might, have something to do with the way us British/Australian/anglo saxon types deal with life. Stiff upper lip and all that….I don't know. Perhaps I'm wrong. I've lived in many many countries and consider myself a hodgepodge of cultures. All I know is to act/react the way that feels natural to me and expect people to 'let me get on with it' and trust I'll come out fine on the other end.
Conditions…omg….conditions?! That just smacks of unfairness. It's people's selfishness, THEIR desire to see you get on with life, join the mainstream again, so THEY can have a break from dealing with your pain and grief!!
I hope you can get the message across that you need more time, compassion, help and UNCONDITIONAL love from your immediate and close support people.
This breaks my heart to read. Threats of taking your children away? Is that even POSSIBLE or LEGAL?
Sigh!
Hang in there Lori…xo
I'm sorry, I feel somewhat rude. I left my first comment on your blog, but didn't introduce myself.
Hi, nice to make your aquaintance. My name is Jen, I've been periodically stopping by your blog for a few weeks now (after the bloggess posted a link).
Thank you for talking about all of this on your blog. I think you're absolutely right, the silence needs to stop. It shouldn't be taboo to do what you're doing. It helps you and it helps others. **hugs**
**Hugs**
I'm somewhat appalled that, if I'm reading this correctly, someone(s) have made the "we'll take your children away from you" threat. You didn't lose a puppy, you lost a husband/mate/partner in an incredibly terrible way, and not only that, you witnessed it.
Hypothetical situation: If a male vetren is subjected to and witnesses war horrors on par with yours, would they expect him to take sole care of his children this soon? I'm of the opinion, no they wouldn't (but maybe I'm wrong). Why is his gender and situation given more weight and time to heal than yours?
I know I'm generalizing, but I often feel that people don't give enough weight to the trauma caused by suicides, domestic violence, and the death of losing someone with whom you thought you had years and years and years.
Also, I feel like whatever other slack a woman may be given, heaven forbid she doesn't go on mothering like a perfect little Stepford wife. Being a mom is a lot of hard work and giving your children the support they need when you need just as much, if not more, is an Olympian feat. F*** people who are judging you for not "doing better."
& I know the official psychological timelines for how long grief should take and I think they're insane and were written by people without strong emotional attachments to others. I've never seen anyone in real life have their grief end according to schedule.
& though not much can shorten grief timelines, a lot of things can extend it: that the death was a suicide, that you saw the suicide, that your daughter saw it, that the very person who would help you through this is the person who died, that you not only feel the loss of what you had, but you have a greater sense of loss because you expected to have years and years together, so you feel not only robbed of your past and present, but also of your future.
**sigh** And even with all of that, you're expected to be "doing better". People can be so insensitive, dumb, and lack understanding.
All the best to you and your kids and good luck getting through all this. I know so many have said this before, but you will get through it, things will get better, it just takes a long f-ing time. You can do this! **hugs!!**
There's no time frame for grief. Nobody can know what you are going through and judge you for that. It's an entirely personal time, mentally and emotionally draining but it's your time, your pace and your right. "Hugs to you and your children"
Ignore the thoughts of others. You have enough of your own thoughts to deal with. There is no time limit. It is what it is – *big hugs*
My much loved friend should turn 30 today, but instead, 7 years ago he took his own life.
He was a good friend, but not my life partner, not the father of my children and I still feel grief. Only a tiny fraction of the horrible, gut wrenching fucked up grief you are feeling. And it sucks, and it was bloody awful for a good long while, much longer than 5 measly weeks when he first died.
ABout 6 months after he died, I was getting some counselling, and the counsellor said something to me which i will remember forever,
He said grieving is like being in a glass prism. You can see what everyone is doing, "life" stuff and they can see you but you can't tell them what its like in your prism, They don't understand. They can't hear. ANd its lonely.
I am so sorry for you that you are so lonely. This is not how its meant to be…none of it.
Your physcially healthy, strong, young husband should be next to you, but we're not good at fixing broken minds in our society.
Those who are close to you should be gathering around, linking arms, making a soft place for you to land, to recollect, to cry, to scream…to do whatever you damn well please.
There is definitely a cyber version, I only wish we could beam to you. To give you more practical physical support.
No one is going to take your kids away babe. I am sorry such things are being said to you, it is beyond cruel. I had very little help when my ex passed, which sucked, is it ok if I can tell you what helped me ? Daycare – time out for bub and me. 2 – let yourself grieve, let some things slide, like unnecessary housework , 3. Don't beat yourself up about what others think, they aren't experiencing this hell, and lastly, " get on with it" by resting on the couch, watch movies read, look at the stars, heal, beautiful lady x carol knuckey xxx
Lori, the people who are telling you need to "get on with it" and are threatening to take your kids away are not the people you need around you at the moment.
You are getting on with it. Every single day, every hour, every minute, every second, every breath. You are still here.
I can't hold you and say "I know", because I have never been where you are, I will never live your life because I am not you. But I can say "It's all fucked". Because it is. And anyone with a smidgen of empathy and sympathy could see that.
When my baby was in intensive care the person helping to look after my other child said the same thing to me. Get on with it, take your child back, i can't do it anymore. It hurt like hell that help was not there when I needed it most. Your situation is so much harder, not comparable at all, i know. But my point is just that they are human too. Imperfect and weak like all of us can be. Their words are no reflection of you or your abilities but more a reflection of their own faults. They are not strong enough to continue being there for you, not because you don't need it or deserve you; you do on both counts. But because they can no longer give it,
It sucks. It stinks. It is unbelievably unfair, as is this whole rotten situation. But you are NOT a bad mother. You are NOT messing it all up. And there is no right way to handle such a loss. Be kind to yourself. Nurture yourseff. And support yourself when others try to dump on you, refuse to take in their garbage. What they say is not you.
Your kids love you. Their love is unconditional. They love you no matter what. And life will get easier. But it takes time. F*** them who say otherwise.
Oh God, that's awful on top of awful. People can be so disappointing. I hope you can get what you need for help – keep asking – perhaps not everyone is a total ass.
Hang in there.
I know, It's all fucked.
Lori, tell them all to 'get fucked'. This is your grief, your grieving process and you will bloody well do it the only way you can! If people are not supporting you or helping you out, then you are quickly finding out who your real friends are. Sending you cyber hugs and telling you "I know. It's all fucked." xxx
Those people who said they'll take your kids away are crazy and should be told that. THe last tihng your kids need is that. Lady, it is so fucked, and yes, you'll move on, but at your own pace not theirs.
Hugs
Lori, I can't even imagine how you are still doing anything at ALL, in the wake of all this. Those who try to force you to move on when you are still working through this…they are NOT in your shoes, and until they are, they do not have the right. They just don't.
It is all fucked, and you are dealing with it as best you can, in whatever way you can, however long it takes. And anyone who has a problem with that needs to STFU.
*hugs*
Emma.
I just want to grab those "helpers" and give them a dose of fucking reality.
Our reality …
You and I have to fucking well GET OUT OF BED every day and that alone is one HUGE effort. I pride myself that I've even been able to get dressed and leave the house AT ALL during the past 11 months of Pure Hell. Because that's what this widowhood shit is – PURE HELL.
Get over it in 5 weeks???? Hellooo??? Losing your spouse is the number 1 stressor in life. It's higher than our own death. Higher than a cancer diagnosis. Higher than divorce. So telling you to 'pull your head in' is akin to telling a dead person to "get over it and suck it up". … ie – absolutely stupid.
It takes YEARS to even accept that our husband is not going to walk back in the door at any moment, and "getting over it" is not even an option…. EVER.
Wish I was there to beat some sense into your so-called helpers.
But as I'm not there, and am clearly so frigging pissed-off with your support network right now, perhaps a better move would be for your psych / local grief-counselling group to send them some printed material explaining that the sudden and violent death of your spouse is so traumatic that it cannot be "gotten over" in the matter of a few weeks and to try to do so would undoubtedly cause greater repercussions with your mental and emotional health in the months and years to come.
Hugs babe….
Lori, these people around you sound vile & shameful. Just in case you haven't got the message from the 80-odd other comments yet: fuck them, fuck their opinions, fuck their judgement. I guess crisis brings out the true nature of people. In your case it's brought out an astoundingly brave woman. And you know what? If you had 'moved on' & were acting like your world hadn't just – & five weeks is very 'just' – been blown apart, these same people would be all, "Ooh, look at Lori, clearly she didn't give a shit about Tony because she's got it together pretty damn quick." if people are arseholes, they're always arseholes, no matter what you do.
And the person that threatened to take your children away can go take a short walk off a long cliff.
Dammit, I wish I could do something to help you. Email? Facebook? You can just send me one saying, "Argh fuck shit bugger bugger bugger," if it helps.
Maybe I'll research 'ninjas for hire in Oz' on the web instead of working. Then I can send them round to scare the pants if these gits who call themselves 'friends/family'….
Much love, Sophie xxx
PS. Sarah, from higher up the comments? You sound awesome. Please can you give Lori a big cuddle from Sophie in the UK? Thank you.
Oh Lori – you poor love! I know you don't want sympathy but I just want to give you a huge squeezy hug. It's so recent. I've read all of your posts and you sound like you're doing better than most of us would in your situation. Keep doing what you're doing – be open to those who want to help you – situations like this have a knack of sorting out the wheat from the chaff in terms of who you can trust and depend on. I was fascinated by your 15 post – did you hate being told what you needed to do when you actually were 15 years old – I bloody did! I hope you can find one little ray of sunshine everyday to make you smile. Lots of love, Mrs and a mahoosive hug xx
I fail to see how talking about it here, on your own blog, run and managed by you, is forcing anyone else to be involved in any way. If people do not wish to know, then they should simply not read your posts. If they want happy, even the basic mundaneness of life, then they need to come back in a year or two when you have had time to heal.
I'm sorry you've been threatened with the loss of your children. Living with a man of the Stolen Generations, I know the effect it can have on the child, the family. I cannot imagine what it is like to be left to raise two children alone, to just get up with the PTSD when you are so fractured. I can tell you that I know people who have come through the other side of similar horrors.
Still wishing you peace. Believing, more each day, that you will in fact find your own way, with a deeper soul, more compassionate heart and a stronger resolve. You have much to live for, individually and with your children. X
Time. Time. It's what you need. And love.
Screw those that choose to judge you… it's so easy to judge from the outside, when you're not living through the raw grief. You're right, it is Fucked. Much love to you x
Huge Hugs from afar, this is Fucked and no one should tell you otherwise…
Fucked Fucked Fucked, its all fucked up and you shouldnt have to be dealing with any of it, let alone having added stress put on you to get on with it… Take you time, be kind to yourself…
God I only had my husband walk out on me and my 4 winkies, and I am bearley keeping it together…
nothing else to say but it all Fucked up….
I feel so angry for you after reading your post. It as ONLY been 5 weeks for gods sake! I can't imagine the strength it must take for you do so the even the most simple of things let alone getting back to others idea of "normal". I hope you have someone, even just one person that you can count on to be there for you and stuff the rest of them.
You keep on writing or doing whatever else you need to do help you start to heal. xox
Tell them to walk a day in your shoes before feeling the need to judge.
Small steps Lori – dont stop writing or talking, dont let them shut you up or shoot you down
xxx
I cant imagine what kind of people you have in your social circle if this is the way they are treating you. If i didnt feel you before – which i did – i really feel for you now. I wish some of us lived closer to you, so we could shoulder some of the burden for you…
"everyone has an opinion" : probably, people do. I wonder if the people telling you to "get on with it" are thinking they are helping or trying to force you into a healing route they think they would take. Problem is they are not you and nobody knows how you feel. I wonder if it is a selfish part of them wishing you to be "getting on with it" so they can all pretend to be happy again and smooth over the sheets. I don't know. Listen to your counsellor and your inner you. Your children do need care, they will be the main stay of your life for so long to come but 5 weeks of different help to mum is not going to affect them badly. Nor will 5 weeks and 1 day. Do what you need to do today, tomorrow will come tomorrow. Still praying for you xxx
There is NO rule book about grief and how to "do it properly". Even the seven stages come and go in my experience. at some times of the day you might feel as if you are progressing well through them and pulling yourself together, but it takes just such a tiny thing to take you back to the first awful raw stages of disbelief and hurt and anger.
There was something you wrote a while ago that has stayed with me – about being frozen in time at the moments around when Tony took his life. It is true, in a way that you will always be there but it is also true that there are other moments at which you are forever present – saying your wedding vows, handing your son to Tony for the first time, all those other moments in time that define and defined you. Eventually those moments will come back to you and be part of you again. In the meantime, keep your friends close and be kind to yourself. People who tell you it's time to get on with life are talking crap – either they are afraid or they are bored now. Either way – time to make a break from from them and get them out of your life.
I haven't commented before but I just wanted to add my support to everyone else around the world who are sending you love and hope and support. You will get through, but in your time and in the way that you and your children are going to do it. everyone else can fuck off.
Oh Lori, beautiful lady, I'm so sorry people have been saying those things to you! It's only been 5 weeks for god's sake! You don't, you just can't get over something that traumatic and completely life changing in that period of time. Screw those people who are telling you to just 'get over it', let them walk for even a day in your shoes and see how it feels. They know nothing..
hopefully they see sense and you keep getting the support you need *hugs*
Every goes through grief differently we can't put them in one box and label it "Grieving Widow" and leave it at that.
It is fucked and I can only say one day at a time, Lori.
I totally agree with Anonymous from 11.15am…
Everyone wants you to get on with it so they can too…fuck them if they cant be there for you for the long haul
I haven't been through anything remotely similar to what you have, but I have lost a child in pretty horrific circumstances – my first born (and at the time only child) as well. I went through a very, very dark time in the first 6-12 months and many friends completely dropped off my radar. I am undoubtedly a very changed woman and some of my friends made it quite clear they didn't like the new me. I'm not really sure I like the new me, but the situation is what it is.
It has been two and a half years for me now and I can't say it gets better, but it does change. Somehow, and I have no idea how, it gets a little easier to live with.
I am new to your blog and only started reading after the calamity hit your life, so I feel a bit odd commenting. But you've been in my thoughts constantly and I have been deeply affected by what has happened to you.
I'm just so bloody sorry.
xo
Lori . . . I dont leave comments – not really sure how – thats why Im signing in as anon. I stumbled across your blog about 10 days ago and your story has made my heart ache for you. I dont know what sort of person would say the things they have said to you but I suspect they may be full time attention seekers,who in their own weird way have become jealous of you and feel the need to strike out at you. This person wants life to go back to "normal" so they can gleen some attention for themselves.
I may be wrong, they may just think "tough love works in the movies – why the hell not give it a go here". Whatever the reason, dont allow one negative person and their oppinions,take away from you, the many hundreds of people that surround you with love and prayers.
Think of those who read your blog as Earth Angels- we send prayers to you in the hope that we can give you the strength you need.Take one day at a time, one step at a time and know that even though you cant see us, we are all here for you. We can see in you the strength that you dont feel at the moment, its there and it will get you through.
Oh Lori. My friend, Rach, the one I emailed you about? it is over five YEARS since her husband died. She still gets help and support.
I am so sorry you have to deal with this, on top of everything else.
It's all fucked.
xx
Selfish and self-indulgent are compliments really, it shows that you have great self-awareness and know what you need and want.
Hooray for selfish people.
People can be a bit nuts at times.
And to add to that, as if the grief isn't monumental enough to cope with…..you are now forced into single parenting….and that's a bloody tough gig…where were all your choices in this. I doubt that you would find anyone to sign up for your job. Sammy
you are such a brave woman to have already braved these 5 weeks.
You will heal, thats what you've been trying to do so that you can be the best mum possible. having the kids with you is what they need, but i dont think they need a set routine as yet, like you, they're struggling with the concept that daddy's not there anymore.
And those of us that are friends with you personally on fb, we know who said it. and that person, if you read this, how can you say that to family? if you had lost your husband, you would not have all the support that Lori has. And nobody would tell you to "grow up and get on with it". So FUCK YOU
Family is the most important thing in the world. Dont treat them like shit, because you may lose them sooner than expected…
and I totally agree with everyone else, NO ONE can take your kids away from you. Where do they get off?
Maybe spending time with the kids without the extended family is what you need to help heal you (Lori) and the kidlets.
enough with the ranting.
much love xoxo
After my husband died I just assumed that I could stay home in shock for a bit. But after 3 weeks my employer called and said it's time to come back. I said I wouldn't be able to work without crying. She said oh well, suck it up. ???? What the hell??
There is absolutely no way you can be allright yet. No way!
It's just that people go back to their lives and they do not get it! They have no idea!
My God you have been through hell and lived to tell about it. What in the world? And with two young children to care for too. That is just not going to happen for you yet. You cannot go back to being "normal" because your life as you knew it is over.
I can put myself in other's shoes because I have great empathy for people. But some people cannot. They just cannot feel the pain that you are feeling no matter how much they say they understand.
Put one foot in front of the other and hang on as best you can. If you have family you need to ask them to help. Too bad if they are tired of it. You need help with the children and with your sorrow.
I am so sorry.
Hugs from Minnesota, USA
Marie
May I suggest you get the idiot(s) who sprouted these ridiculous suggestions to read these comments because they really need to be shown that they are not 'normal'.
I'm so angry for you right now!
They should be so lucky…..is all I can say! So bloody lucky that this has not happened to them. No one can pass judgement unless they have walked your path. Support is what is required here…..bloody support, support, support and as long as it takes. Love is patient, Love is kind….1 Corinthians 13:4
I had a family who did not understand or support the loss of my little girl. "Pick yourself up and get on with it" "you need to get off that medication, it's making you a zombie"(Prozac anti-depressant) was there attitudes.
If only the people and family you have could understand that support is vital for ones recovery (as long as that may take). There are no 2 griefs the same as there are no 2 births the same. This is your unique grief and yours alone, so as long as it takes!
I was once given a book called Coping with Grief by Mal McKissock (not sure of correct spelling of the authors name) it was only a short read but very good.
To my amazement some years later when I was working in Palliative Care I saw this same book again. They were given to the families experiencing the loss of their loved ones. Maybe worth a read.
Chin Up sweety. I'm here, so I don't miss that moment when you smile again. *HUGS* Sammy
You ARE getting on with it. This is what that looks like. That you are not a screaming puddle of mess on the floor shows that you are getting on with it. Five fucking weeks is the blink of an eye. It will get better, but not in five fucking weeks.
And to whoever you are saying these things, back the fuck off her. And back her up. Taking fatherless children from their mother for healing herself on the Internet, you should be ashamed.
I think that the people who get to home back to their 'normal' lives after a tragedy forget that it rips a giant hole in your soul, the person you once were. They feel sad but get over it more quickly.
I'm sorry that your real life people don't seem understand that.
I have been reading quietly now for a bit.
You are amazing.
I will hold you,"I know. It's all fucked."
5 weeks?? 5 weeks??? And they expect you to forget, to push everything to the back of your mind? Who the fuck do these people think they are? 5 weeks is a fucking nano-second (is that even a word?) in the time that you SHOULD have had with Tony.
If you need to float for a while longer babe, you float. I think you are doing an AMAZING job, and I fucking dare them to even try and feel your pain for one day!!
Love you lots xoxoxoxoxo
Lori,
If we all lived closer to you where you live, you would be so sick of all us! We would all be there for you 24/7!
Just take each day as it comes, no expectations, just "be" for a while and the rest of those people can just shut up!
Lori how can you possibly just 'get on with it' when you have no idea how 'it' works? This is not your life that you knew and loved, this is a new path, a new life carved out of trauma and incredible grief and loss. There is no way anyone can tell how long it will take until you wake and don't feel incredible sadness. Until you smile without guilt or have thoughts of that day not replay in your mind. I take it it is those IRL and maybe bloodrelated people telling you to get on with it? well they may have been affected by Tony's death but they are not his wife, they were not there and their grief, no matter how much it hurts can not be a measure to your grief and what you are going through. Don't lean on them for a while, you are surrounded here by hundreds of arms hugging you daily. Do you have friends that can just drop by and change a nappy as you talk, or watch a movie, or something mundane…even sleep. Friends who can find time in 'their lives' to help out in yours?
Your posts have been wonderful Lori, real and heartfelt and raw and you have so many people reading because you can so eloquently put into words what other people never have before. Why should death and especially suicide be such a taboo subject? The world isn't roses and unicorns and it is about time that some people faced the real parts and stopped living in rose coloured glasses world. Keep writing for as long as you feel you need to, write whatever helps you Lori because I think that this is the healthiest I have ever seen anyone deal with their grief. (((hugs))) to you and those beautiful little people who are yours and will be yours forever (aint noone taking your babies lovely lady! xoxo)
You take as long as you need, Lori. I can't believe that some people can be so fucking rude. xxx
I'm sorry to see people close to you get impatient, but I am not surprised.
I have the impression you took tremendous big steps to 'get on' with life, the whole house renovation and – as that is all i can see – how you are facing your demons by processing them in writing. I'm sure you are doing what you possibly can with your children, even if it's just babysteps, you'll get there. They need you and you'll find strength in being there for them again. As for people who can't keep up their support right now, never mind them.
noone can feel what you feel inside and people are themselves trapped in their own fears and occupations, there is only so much any individual can give. Most people lose 'friends' in the aftermath of a death/seperation/personal disaster. let them go, don't be too upset, bitter, hateful, what will it help you?
you still have professional counseling, don't you? (even they can get stupid sometimes, then don't hesitate to change!) it's your pick now. many people help because it feels good – for them! – to help, but that's something no one can keep up. your true friends will stand by you, even if it takes forever, or is raw and ugly.
'hug'
fuck Lori, that fucking sucks. 5 weeks is still so just happened! A 5 week old baby is still a newborn. You should be able to take as long as it takes. I know people have to get back to their own lives but surely that is what family is for right? to catch you when you fall? Are you not still falling? Is this some kind of tough love thing they are trying? What the fuck?
Yes anon Lori does have to get on with it, what do you think she has been doing these last five weeks? She has been getting on with her life without her husband. She has been breathing, sleeping, eating & looking after her children. I have been there, I have seen her feed her kids lunch, play with them, talk to them & act like everything in her world is the way it used to be, for her kids.
She is doing all she can, I have seen it with my own eyes & have told her personally that I think I would be curled up in a corner somewhere sobbing if I was in her shoes.
Perhaps if you think about how you would feel if it were your husband (or wife, can't say because you're hiding who you are) were gone & you had two small children to look after while grieving their loss? Do you think five weeks would be enough? Do you think that you would just "get on with it" and act like your husband hadn't hung himself in front of you? Do you think with PTSD you would be able to get on with it?
Lori is looking after herself & her kids, but she needs help. She needs support not people telling her to get on with it herself. She used to have her Tony to help her of an evening, to give her a break to allow her some time out. Now people want her to do it all on her own after only five weeks. I'm sorry but it's wrong & it's just not fair.
its so so fucked.
your best friend, lover, husband, soul mate died in front of you. 5 weeks? 5 FUCKING WEEKS?!?!
these people must be terrified. terrified of your grief and pain. people seem to think its contagious. esp pain from suicide. like its unseemly to be feeling it. like its something to hide- from the people around you and from yourself. like there is something so shameful about suicide. when really, its just so achingly tragic and horrific.
i wonder if its your blog that scares them. the clarity and blazing emotional honesty. its searing lori- its searing and its cleansing and its good. its so hard to read. but you have a power here, a gift- we are all in awe. of your writing, your brutal honesty, and your strength.
lori, we know your story. we love you. you are a good mother, a great mother, even know when you feel like you have lost yourself. you cant be the old lori mum, she is gone. but you are being the new lori mom and learning and growing every day.
i cant even imagine your strength. i wish there was something that i could do to help you.
5 weeks. its shameful of them to make such demands on you. i am disgusted and so angry.
heal the way you need to heal lori, in the time you need. we will be here, through the whole journey, supporting you in any way that we can.
you are doing what is best for your little ones. you are healing. you are setting an amazing example. dont ever doubt it. and please, dont stop writing. i think they want you to. please dont.
We're still here Lori. I'm so sorry you feel alone. But we're still here.
You are doing *spectacularly* well. What the fuck? Who could think otherwise?
I know it is so fucking fucked, but you are doing *so* well. And your wisdom and strength is a gift – a GIFT – for your children. Keep hanging in there.
You cannot ask too much of us, your little online community here. Ask us. Whatever we can do from the corners of the Earth, we will do. Ask us.
You are an *inspiration*. You inspire me to be a stronger, more compassionate, more patient, and more thankful person. You inspire me to be more like YOU. Every day.
Sending LOVE and STRENGTH
-m
I am gobsmacked at how little consideration, compassion, humanity, empathy etc some people can have. Also seems a define lack of brain cells to expect anyone to get over the grief and the trauma you have suffered in a mere 5 weeks – 5 bloody weeks! It took me years to gain a new sort of normality! (I think there are a few who would still question my version of normal).
Does your grief make you a bad mother? No, it makes you a human being, grieving – doing what you have to get through, so you can grow and become a better mother(but it doesn't mean you are a "bad" mother now) Bad mother? (what a crock) – are your children starving?, wandering the street?, in danger? – NO, YOU are making sure they are well cared for. Not bad mother, just one doing what has to be done.
As for "we will Take Your Children Off You" – who said that? I have a friend who works at Child Protective Services. The goal of child protective services is to keep the family together. They can provide services to help ensure that the family stays together.
Everyone who has lost Tony is grieving, I'm sure many are expressing their grief in different ways. I have one answer for anyone who does not feel your grief/trauma is "appropriate" or your recovery quick enough – go see a grief counsellor themselves (at the very least to get informed about the grief process instead of talking bullshit).
I had these sort of "get on with it" comments at the 6 week mark – so I did. Stuffed all those emotions deep down inside. About 2 years later I had a mini-meltdown/breakdown. Definitely not what you want. All I can say is ignore "them" and do it the way you are now. See the counsellors, feel and express the emotions, go through your process – it will be better for you and your children in the long run.
Take your children away? Good lord in 5 weeks are you meant to perk up and smile and return back to normal all the while pretending that this all never happened? That is fucked up right there. It is going to take time to heal and return to some kind of normalness. Small steps Lori. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Grief is so personal that everyone has an idea about how others should do it – unfortunately that's not how it works, or even how it SHOULD work. (((hugs)))
I know. It's all fucked.
Oh Lori, isn't it incredible how the world puts a time limit on how long a person can remain broken? Don't they realise that it took a whole fucking lifetime to get you to the point you were before? Should it not take a whole fucking lifetime to heal?
If I were there (and I am in spirit), I'd hold you; I'd listen; I'd wash your hair and wipe the snot from your screaming face; I'd be there. As long as it takes.
xxx
I'd imagine if the people telling you to get on with it were in your shoes they might think a little differently. How freakin insensitive?!
The undeniable fact is your life has been shattered into a million shards and it will take some time to pick these pieces up and glue them back together. There is no timeframe for this, only you can know how and when it will all happen. Wishing you so much love xxx
@ Anonymous said…
You do have to get on with it, Lori. Sorry, I know it hurts. X
At least write your name. or are you THAT weak you cant? people like this that hinder not help.
Lori it is fucked, its fucked up more then i can put into words. you have held it better together then alot of people and those who say they'll take your kids tell them to get fucked. take babies from a mumma when the daddy passes into the next world is FUCKED. you are takeing each day at a time each breath at a time. you are doing a fantastic job to any one who says other wise FUCK THEM. they haven't walked a mile in your shoes so they can't understand. *hug* you are a wonderful mumma who is getting there. no one ever said it would be easy. but you can get there.
What? Who is going to take your kids? You are GRIEVING, it's not like you turn off the pain like a light switch, it takes time, and there is no set timeline. How can people be conditional to that? How can people think they have the right to tell you how to grieve?
I've been following your blog for a while, and I have to say first that I am so very sorry for your loss. I wish I had some helpful words for you. All I know how to say is that you are doing the very best you can and coping in the best way you can and you are not grieving incorrectly. You are mourning and coping and living as YOU should because it's your life and your situation. I can't begin to understand the strength it takes you to get out of bed every day.
As a mommy myself, I'll just say cling to those kiddos and work your way back into normal parenting routines with them at YOUR pace. Because how you are grieving is personal and yours only.
Lori, clearly those that are saying this rubbish have never experienced the depth of pain or grief that you have – otherwise they would know that there is no switch you can turn off and instantly stop grieving just because it's been more than a few weeks. And really, what is with the 'get back to routine' comments? A large part of your routine isn't even here anymore so how can they expect you to get back to it? You need time, as much bloody time as you want and need.
What is WRONG with them?!?!?! I don't even know what to say. I'm angry for you.
take it slow and steady – to rebuild the foundations that were so tragically ripped from under you. Just 5 weeks have past and you've come way further than I'd ever have thought possible – you are doing a great job. In this situation you are entitled to lots of support – as much as you need and those around you who love you should be wanting to give up their life's comfort at the moment to give you anything they can to help.
I'm sorry someone has been so cruel to you. There is no timeline for grief nor is there a how to guide. *hug*
Oh Lori, they are wrong. They are wrong and they don't know what grieving is. Five weeks is nothing. Time moves differently when you're in pain. You need to be there for your family, but you know what – the people who won't support you now are just showing you who they really are. Don't be afraid to be angry with them and tell them to fuck off. They don't know what you're going through and they can't tell you how to grieve.
I know your husband wouldn't have wanted to destroy you, and he would want you to live, not die alongside him. But at the same time, you have to grieve.
And I'll say it again. Five weeks is *not* a long time. Anyone who hasn't grieved deeply and personally would not know.
Hugs for you and your little ones.
I bet so many of us would rush over to help you out if we were close enough, hope it helps you to know that, not as much as if we could do it tho
It's just ridiculous that you have to go through this horrible thing but, at the same time you are helping so many people, it is fucked, and it isn't fair!
I hope the people that are telling you to 'get over it' never find themselves in the kind of situation where they require the emotional/physical support that you do – pillocks.
Love your babies and yourself, you are worth it. Thinking of you all
that is fucking disgusting (sorry, can't find any other words) – what kind of fucked up society do we live in where someone is treated like that. grief can't be quantified. it can't be parcelled up and put on a shelf and forgotten. those sweet babies need their mum – for a LONG time. they need her to work through this at her pace so that she can be there with them forever. not just for now – forever – and that will only happen if the grieving is done properly.
Lori, i read often but don't post much, but know that there are many of us out here to support you. there are many of us that understand that you are grieving and need to get this stuff out so that you CAN progress forward and be the mum you want to be for your beautiful babies. Right now you need to be Lori-wife – and Lori-wife is grieving. Lori-mum will come back slowly, when she is ready. and fuck anyone who doesn't get that
Things will get better! At some point, you'll find it hard to believe how far you've come, and until then, do what you can, and get there as you can. I'm normally the one to tell people to get back into things as a way of getting past something; maybe whoever was suggesting that was trying to be helpful? I hope. Routines can be beneficial sometimes, even if it is just "fake it til you make it" type of situation. Like some other people said, five weeks is no time at all; just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and the rest will come.
Trudy
FUCK her. It has to be a her. Selfish biddy.
I am so sorry this added bullshit is being loaded onto your shoulders. You lost your husband and now the threat of losing your children is thrown out there? Bitch(es).
Do your best to regain control of your children's day to day care. When someone shows you their true face and intentions, believe them.
Just know you are NOT alone, even if your supporters can't actually change a diaper or cook a meal for you.
You do have to get on with it, Lori. Sorry, I know it hurts. X
To threaten to take your children away if you don't conform to someone elses standard of when you should be over this is abhorrent.
I am very sorry that you are having to go through this on top of everything else.
When some people don't know how to help, what to do, or can't make things better, they start resenting that you need it not because of you but because they don't want to be reminded that they are helpless. And they lose track of the fact that this isn't about them and so they want you tog et over it so they can feel better about themselves. I don't know if it's that consciously thought out a lot of the time, but I've seen it happen.
Remember, it's not up to other people how long you need to grieve. It's not about them.
So you don't know me, but I send you hugs and strength. Be good to yourself.
And don't you dare let anyone get into your head with bad mother rubbish. You are not a bad mother nor will you ever be. You are a mother in a bad situation doing the best you can.
I'm new, Lori, but if I were close enough I would come and pour the juice and change the nappies. I'm so sorry
I can be with you every Friday. I can come & let you sit & do what you need to do to get through. I will play with the kids, let J play with them, they had fun the other week. I will commit to every Friday 9am-2.30pm with you if it helps.
I don't think you should get on with it. For goodness sakes it's been only five weeks. You have lost years of love in a few seconds, you can't get past that in five weeks. You can't it's just. not. possible.
I love you like a sister but I have been worried about trading on people's toes being around & trying to be there for you as best as I can. No more. I will be there & I will be holding your hand.
This is NOT 'as good as it gets'. This is FIVE MEASLEY WEEKS. This is grief at its most insane, impossible, heart-twisting fucking torturous worst. This will not last forever. This will get better.
People don't know, don't understand…
People speak in platitudes and repeat what they hear others say, what they hear on tv and in movies. People don't know the hurt they cause.
People think they are helping because they are fucking terrified of your grief and do not know what to do, what to say, how to cope, how to help you.
THIS IS THEIR SHIT – NOT YOURS!
YOU ARE AWESOME. You are doing what you can. You are looking after yourself. Your children are not cold or hungry or neglected. They will be ok.
You are providing and doing what you can.
FUCK THE PEOPLE who say this shit to you at this, your most vulnerable hours.
You are entitled to FEEL this and process this and manage this however you need to do. What you need is unconditional support, 24 hours a day. No. Matter. What.
You are NOT weak. You are heartbroken. You are grieving. It's a madness. And IT WILL PASS.
xxx
*Hugs*
How dare anyone tell you to hurry up in your grieving. Shame on them.
Sending much love your way, as always.
My heart breaks for you again Lori, this is going to take you a long time, you can't do it in someone else's time frame only your own.
Concentrate on breathing in and out, then one foot in front of the other.
Do what you need to do for YOU to move on, WHEN YOU are ready. It isn't for anyone else to tell you when the time for you to be back to normal… Only for you.
Thinking of you honey.
xx
I am so angry right now about the fact that there are people who really tell you to get over it, and I would love to just write "tell them to fuck off"!
But the thing is, that if they threaten to take your kids away, they don't even leave you enough space to react as you might want to react, you can't even tell them to fuck off.
I hope you don't feel as if we judge you.
I just wanted to let you know that I think about you and send you lots of love.
I'm just shocked- it's only been five weeks, maybe five months down the track some tough love might be justified, but it's so early…..
I want to punch whoever told you they would take your children away right in the fucking nose.
5 weeks is such a short space of time for what you are enduring. And it's not for anyone else to tell you how long it is "acceptable" to grieve for.
Please try not to take those comments to heart – they are spoken by people who have no clue of what you're going through.
Listen to your pyschs, counsellors, professionals when it comes to the grief process & learning how to stand again. They are the ones that know what they're talking about.
Write as much as you want to, as much as you need to. Take the time to heal yourself.
You really are doing an amazing job, whether on purpose or by default it doesn't matter.
Baby steps, honey. Baby steps are fine.
I don't have much to say other than I'm thinking about you, and hoping for you, and wishing strength for you and your children.
Tell 'them' to get fucked.
Tell 'them' to walk a mile in your shoes before telling you to 'get on with it'.
You write. You do NOT keep it to yourself; remember your post about talking about it? If 'they' won't listen – find some more 'they'.
Connections will come; but all will take the same thing. TIME.
Much love to you.
I can't imagine what you've gone through. And because I don't know you, I surely can't comment on your abilities as a mother. But what I do want you to know is that I had the most candid discussion with my mother-in-law on Sunday about the suicide of her husband almost 20 years ago. I was able to bring it up because of your blog. So you might feel like things are going poorly on your end, but because of you, things are going better on my end. Thank you.
Our fast paced society pressures us to move on from grief, recover quickly and be happy again.
Loving you husband for as long as you have and losing him in the manner that you did you will NOT recover from this in a month or two. You need to do this in your own time, space and pace.
Who is threatening to take your kiddo's from you Lori? This sounds so harsh given your circumstances. As difficult as this time is for both you your kiddo's they do need their mum hands on now as they struggle getting used to not having a dad around. As abnormal as your situation is perhaps drawing them in and close and attending to their daily routine will help you return to some kind of new normal for you.
You are doing a fabulous job honey, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Big squishy hugs
xxxx
Does anyone tell a war veteran with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder to just "get over it" or "get their shit together"? Does anyone tell a cancer patient to suck it up and deal with it?
What the fuck is wrong with people, why does your grief, your pain, your reality make them so uncomfortable? If only they realised the hell you are going through and that there is no prescribed period of grief or shock or mourning.
Who the hell told you they will take their kids off you?????????????? I was told by a counsellor there is no set time that you need to be "back to normal" if it took you over a year who could blame you? It's only been 5 weeks for gods sake!!! And how long were you with Tony for? So in 5 weeks you are meant to get over how many years together and with 2 kids? Do they want the same thing to happen to you?
No-one can take your kids away from you, just like that… That is crap. Who said that??
It will get better. There is no timeframe, no guidelines, no road map to follow. Everyone suffers and heals in their own time and way. I'm sure the people telling you "get it together" have good intentions, but I know how hurtful those words can be. If you were totally capable of having everything "together" you would do it. You don't choose to be like this. You didn't choose this dreadful tragedy. You don't know how to act. How to feel. There is no right and there is no wrong. Just put one foot in front of the other & do as much or as little as you can fathom. Many people do understand. Sometimes those closest to you choose not to – it is easier for them.
Lori, no one has the right to tell you to "just get on with it." We all grieve in our own ways, we all deal with trauma in our own ways. And unfortunately, you're having to do both at the same time, and you are finding your own way of doing it, your way.
Keep breathing, take it one day at a time, and remember that no one can be "Lori-mom" as well as you.
You're in my thoughts.
It IS all fucked!!!!
What else can it be??
People need to pull their heads in and leave you to grieve. You need to grieve now. Not just 'pull yourself together' and 'get on with it'. Doing that would be completely detrimental to your kids.
Let your kids see your pain. It will help them to process their own. To understand the enormity of what has happened to you all.
Please try not to add to the hardness of others by being hard on yourself now.
Go easy, go kindly….one minute at a time.
xxxxx
Sweetness, you ARE getting on. Anyone who expects you to process and move past what is one of the most painful things a person can endure in 5 WEEKS is just an idiot. I'm sorry if that means I'm calling people you love and care about idiots, but I mean it- it's inconsiderate, it's harsh and it's IDIOTIC to expect that. Just like Sarah said- you're breathing, you're getting out of bed, you're still giving hugs and kisses to your kids. In TIME, I think it will get better and more manageable. For today- I think you're getting on beautifully.
Fuck what they say Lori. Your love for your children will move you forward as and when you are able. Keep asking for help sweetheart and help will continue to come. Just reading these posts assures me of that. Your friends and loved ones are in the valley with you, carrying you out of this shit on a big safety blanket. If one of them needs to rest someone else will take over. Love to you Lori, you will get through this. You will, you will.
Lori. I am so sorry you're dealing with other people's shit whilst you're coming to terms with your husband's death. FFS, it's only been 5 weeks. Anyone who isn't staring at the walls all days 5 weeks after losing their soulmate to a traumatic death is a hero. Bloody hell, I was lucky to be able to walk outside my own house 5 weeks after my baby died and I had my husband to support me. What the hell do they expect?
Sadly, this is a normal part of grief. Dealing with dickheads who have their opinions about grief and the need to 'get on with it', 'stop wallowing' etc etc. Like your pain is some sort of insult to them. It makes me so angry that you're dealing with this crap too.
Are the kids fed, washed and clothed? Are they loved? Do they have someone to talk to? Then they're fine. They'll endure, like you're enduring and you'll all find your new equalibrium in time.
People – let the family grieve. If you can't understand or empathise, then bugger off with your ignorant judgements and your cruelty. Take your pursed lips and folded arms and your frowns of woe and piss off! You're not helping and if you're not helping what the hell are you doing? Grief happens. If you can't handle it, that's your fucking problem.
Leave Lori alone. She's doing the best she can.
Big hugs Lori. I don't pretend to understand what you're going through but I think of you all the time.
One step forward. Two steps back. How can you move forward when you have no idea where you are going?
Love you Lori.
x
It is ALL fucked x
Oh Lori, my heart just hurts for you. You're being abandoned by the people you need most just now, your grief dismissed as drama, your right to be a mother questioned, your rights as a wife and widow thrown out the window.
Although I would drop everything for you if I could, for as long as it took, I can't, so that's useless. Thank God for Sarah!
Does it help to know that EVERYTHING you feel, everything you do, everything you ARE right now, is totally normal?
You are doing this the 'right' way. The WRONG way is to bottle it up, pretend, lie. That will only hurt you (and by extension, your kids) later down the track.
Honest to God, I wish you has access to the support group I had when I lost my son. They were amazing. But I'm hesitant to recommend peer support for you because they can be VERY hit-and-miss. Some make you feel better and some make you feel worse. I know some Compassionate Friends groups have members who've been through suicide loss, and if you were able to find some other person who's been there, to talk to and share with, I know it would help.
Whoever is doing that to you is ignorant. And wrong. Maybe well-intentioned (maybe), but wrong.
*holds you*
I know, it's all fucked.
They should all take the reins. They SHOULD, dammit.
I don't know why they don't. It seems… normal that they would, doesn't it?
Be your own best friend Lori.
And accept that you're gonna do a lot of things in the next year that people will 'judge' as you not 'getting on with it'.
But you need to do it, to find out who you are now.
And support yourself to do it. Dont absorb the judgements. For they. Lucky them. Have no fucking idea what its really like inside you right now.
You are doing as well as you can.
As well, if not better than anyone else would do if they experienced what you have.
Anyone who tells you to get on with it after just 5 weeks is being unrealistic.
Grief never goes away, it just eases until you can do your "normal" everyday things without feeling like you have a gaping hole in your chest.
It may be hard on others to watch you go through this, but they need to realise it's harder for you to actually do it.
What you saw that day won't go away in 5 weeks. The "grief" timeline isn't even realistic for people who were expecting a loved one to pass away.
Sending all my love to you Lori xo
Sadly, I can see why they say it. We are of the "throw them in the pool and they'll learn to swim" generation. People forget the high rate of drowning.
No-one has the right to judge, but many will think they do. Breathe, just breathe.