In my less zen, peaceful moments, I am so fucking angry. It’s the reverse of the guilt. If I don’t feel guilty, that’s means it’s his fault, not mine. And that makes me so pissed at him I could scream.
Which, of course, makes me feel guilty again. Because he was my husband and I should have helped, should have done something, surely, anything… and God knows I loved him. And hating him, for what he did, doesn’t sit well with any of that.
But, fuck. Some days I hate him so much I can barely breath from the ugly pressure of it on my chest.
Some days, I really hope he’s not at peace. That was given to me as a reason, a few times, for why I had to do this, or do that- so Tony can rest in peace. What the hell? Why? Does I look like I’m a peace, or my kids, or his family? Why does he deserve to be at peace, when we’re not, and he’s the one who started all this?
I hope he’s floating, somewhere in limbo, watching us fight and cry and mourn and weep, and kicking himself for being so freaking stupid and selfish in the first place.
He’ll find his peace soon enough, when we start to find some too, I think. But then he gets an eternity of peace, while we get to live with the fucked-up-ed-ness of this forever.
And, again, that just makes me feel worse. the guilt of wishing that on someone I loved eats at me, corrodes the pleasantness that still shimmers in my soul. Which, again, makes me angrier- how could he do this to me, to us, to everyone?
And all that anger and guilt, it just adds up to more pain. And I wonder how much the levels would change, had he died of an accident, a heart attack.. would the pain be worse, but the guilt be less? Would I still be angry at him, or would I have to focus it somewhere else? Would I just feel more guilty, for feeling angry at him, when that really wouldn’t have been his fault?
It’s coming to a point, within me, where my brain is slowly starting to meld to the fact that this has really happened, and that he’s gone.
It’s starting to sink in that he’s dead. As spiritual as want to be, as respectful as you can be- dead is dead. He’s not feeling anything anymore, emotional, physical or otherwise. And I can’t keep living as if he can.
I can’t keep living with this guilt.
Eventually, I have to let it go.
Because, as they say, if wishes were fishes, there’s be no need for fisherman.
And all the wishing in the world is never going to bring Tony back.
As sad as it is… what he thinks, what he feels, isn’t important anymore. Because it just doesn’t exist.
So I’ll be angry, without guilt.
It’s not going to change how much I loved him, once.
But it might just allow to me to let go, enough, to be content again. Even just a little bit.
I’ll settle for that.
{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
I typed out a reply earlier today, but the site jammed up, so I'll just say I think it's essential you feel this guilts, as it will lead you to healing. That doesn't take away your love from him.
Did you ever get angry before he died? But you still loved him, right? You were just angry at what he did. And so it is with this, but on a much shittier scale. I would be off-my-tits-angry if it were me.
Funnily enough i'd just posted something with the same title. I do think your anger, hurt, guilt, rage, pain will be a much magnified version of mine, and that it will take longer, and be more difficult to find true peace. But you will get there Lori. You have already come such a long way.
x
I'm glad you're angry at Tony.
I've been angry at him for quite some time – and I have never met either of you.
Anger is a 'normal' part of grieving… so is guilt.
You're doing just fine. Better than fine. Much, much better… xxx
As I expected, everyone has shared some awesome thoughts here. There really is nothing more to add except my thoughts are with you and your beautiful children and I hope one day your knight in shining armour comes and sweeps you off your feet.
Hugs xxx
Oh you poor dear, I'm so sorry. You have every right to be angry, and don't worry about him resting in peace. If you're not in peace then I'm sure he's not either.
Understand the feelings of guilt, but it was not your fault. You did not do it. x
Every different emotion you feel is completely normal and right. It's just the way of things. Your last half dozen sentences especially, tell me your heading in the right direction through this.
Your honesty is so absolutely amazing. It's incredibly brave of you to put your feelings out there – all of them.
I think you've got to let it out and let it go – you're right. The anger and the guilt – it's got to move its' way out of you so you can start to move on. Though I can't even imagine how incredibly difficult it is.
My thoughts are with you – hang in there.
I always think/say "if wishes were horses, beggars would ride" I think if wishes were fishes is from the same rhyme. Sometimes I think Anger is a very healthy emotion, it is ok be angry but it makes me angry when someone tells me it is ok to be angry, who the hell are they to say that…think I'm just saying "still here" x
You are feeling exactly as you ought to because it is *your* life and there is no right or wrong.
Also, I am sure you have come across the seven stages of grief. I don't believe that a person progresses though the stages in order or in an orderly way but anger is in there and you are entitled to have a healthy greif that includes anger. As to who it is directed towards…..it has to go somewhere and Tony chose this for you and your children. I'd feel fucking agry with him too.
Well, hon, you're just going to have to stop being both guilty AND angry and start being over-the-moon! Well done on winning the Best Australian Blogs, Lori. Your writing stands alone. x
Fair enough Lori, you are entitled to be angry. But guilt isn't going to help you get over this tragedy. You can't blame yourself for Tony's actions. No matter what was going on at the time, you didn't put the rope around his neck. I hope this journey of recovery gets easier for you and your children soon.
If its any consolation I'd be mega pissed off angry as well. And I think you have every right to be. Who in a million years would ask to be in this situation. You did not and yet here you are. Enough reason to me majorly pissed.
Much love as always to you xx
Anger is necessary for healing. I like the "different rooms in hell" analogy. So you're angry at him. You have to be angry at something. It it wasn't him, it would be something or someone else. Just feel what you feel. Your body and soul know the path to healing and peace and they are leading you there.
So much love, from me to you, across the miles. xoxo
One of the wisest things ever said to me was said by my preacher. I told her I was mad at God for taking my friend Josh away. She said that was OK. God's big, and tough, and He can take it. And if you get over being mad? He'll still be there.
Be mad at Tony. Go ahead. It's not like he cares anymore. He can absorb all your anger- and then, when you're done, the memories of the good times will still be there.
You cannot have love if you don't have hate. It's like you wouldn't know what good was if you didn't have bad. <3
My best friend from university lost her partner to cystic fibrosis when we were in our 20s (15 years ago now). I asked her this question just recently, and she said she did not feel anger towards her partner but an incredible amount towards disease, God, fate, and (most of all) incompetent and uncaring medical professionals.
In my case, my brother died when I was 10 of a long-term illness. I was filled with anger and aggression for a long time, but it was focused on the doctors who did not save him, and, unfairly, on my father, who my 10-year-old self perceived as being insufficiently moved by his death. I wasn't angry at my brother himself, but I was angry *for* him, if that makes sense.
I'm not sure, but maybe anger is a necessary part of grief – it just gets focused differently as circumstances allow? I don't know, but I'm guessing that it makes it much harder having that anger mixed up with the loss and guilt and love focused on the dead person themselves.
Speaking as a widow who lost her husband in an accident…
I'm not angry at my husband – he was a passenger in a car where both occupants were instantly killed. He couldn't have done anything.
I'm kinda angry at the driver. but not ANGRY angry.
But I am MEGA ANGRY at God. Screamingly, hate-burningly so. and I love God but I now spew hate-filled diatribes at him where once I would have prayed. and that makes me feel guilty .. because, you know, the loving God thing.
…. it's all really just different rooms in hell.
Maybe we should get an intercom?
This is my first time here, Lori, and I really feel for you.
It feels strange telling this to a stranger, but I'm going to do so in the hope that it helps, even a little.
When I was a teenager, I came very close to committing suicide. Enough said.
The point is that I had all the loving family around me that anyone could wish for, but there was something inside me that was wrong.
It's not anything that anyone else can fix.
And now, older & hopefully wiser, I totally believe that suicide is a very selfish act.
You have every right to feel angry.
Just remember that what you feel now doesn't in any way negate what you felt in the past.
My heart goes out to you, and I'm sending you healing thoughts
You are a beautiful, passionate & inspiring. It's ok to feel like you do.
Sending you a vitual bottle of red and a GIANT hug.
you do need to let it go – the guilt but there is no time frame for that to happen.
it is only when you let the guilt go, that you will feel you're able to move [freely] on, past this, to take those tentative first steps towards your new life, the life that is now yours stretcing ahead of you.
but time is endless and only when you feel completely ready will those steps forward present themselves to you.
as always sending you love & light.
~x~
I'm sure when Tony was alive there were times, in arguments probably, where you hated him at that moment but overall still loved him. It's ok, you can be both at the same time. I hope that over time, preferably soon, that the love & peacefulness takes over from the angriness (it so is a word).
Every time I imagine what it must be like to be the survivor of a loved one's suicide, anger is the first emotion that comes to mind. It seems only normal to me, considering the selfishness and deliberate hurtfulness of the act.
You have nothing to feel guilty about as far as I'm concerned. You've said before that you didn't help Tony because he wouldn't allow you to. I know from painful personal experience that if you're to have any hope of helping someone – REALLY helping them – then they have a job to do. They have to take down the walls and show you just how dark their night has gotten. From what you've said here on your blog, Tony didn't do that. And like what one of your commenters above said, even if he had, you may not have been able to help him: mental illness is just that, an illness, and just like we can't save everyone with cancer, we can't necessarily save everyone with deep psychological issues.
It. Is. Fucked. And so completely, cruelly unfair.
HUG!!!! I'm continually thinking of and praying for you and the kids. I really, really do hope, from the bottom of my heart, that things get better for you all, I really do.
Anger is good. It's part of the healing process. It needs to be directed to someone as well. I'm sure at one point you were hell angry at the doctors, nurses or that arrogant wanker from the ICU. Tony did something that hurt you, your kids and himself – why shouldn't you be angry? I'd be angry too. It doesn't mean you love him any less.
I don't have any advice but I'm reading and I'm thinking of you and sending my love as always ♥
Dear Lori,
Your honesty is fucking awesome and refreshing. To hell with being PC — you are real and raw. You keep speaking your truth, and I will keep being moved and effected by your story and your naked prose.
Love from another fan,
Liz