Internet Dating 109- First Do No Harm.

by Lori Dwyer on December 14, 2011 · 14 comments

Reality’s stupid.

Some things, some people, they are just better at a distance. Up close, things come swirling to the surface that just weren’t there before.

For those of you follow closely, that’s what happened here. But it happened in a way that was quite OK… there was no painful conversation, just a ceasing of phone calls as much on his part as mine.

It makes me see things, though. It’s as if that awful fever was simply to burn off bad ideas, burn off wishful thinking and romantic expectation.

I’m not ready for this, for anything like it, and it’s only my insecurities that are making me think it’s a good idea, that are convincing me that romance is something I need.

I am the female version of a real life Jerry Macguire… I just cannot be alone. I never have been. From the time I was roughly fifteen years old, it’s been boyfriend to boyfriend, partner to partner… trying to find someone who loved me, who thought I was not only acceptable but glorious.

Meeting Tony, finding that stability, it was such a blessed relief, no more pressure, no more pushing, running, feeling that desperate hole in the centre of my chest where my solar plexus leaks into my soul; telling myself that I was not quite pretty, funny, or complete enough, that there would always be something wrong and ugly about me.

Having a family, a man, a husband.. all that proved that snickering, bickering voice wrong. There was only the slightest regret that the exhilaration of finding someone new was not something I would feel again. But having lost my man the way I did, that voice is back.

But it’s just a voice. It took me twelve months to realise that; and please don’t say “I told you so”, because I know some of you did tell me so, and those who didn’t probably thought about it… I don’t really want another man. I just want Tony back. That will probably fade, eventually, in time. Maybe. We’ll wait and see. Until then, I’m not ready for a relationship, and to imagine I am is more than wishful thinking… it’s potentially hurtful to others. I am a sucking black hole of need, and it’s useless and selfish to expect someone else to fill that. I can handle the loneliness. I was lucky to have what I had, and I am lucky to have the two beautiful people I’ve got, the sparkles in a muddied tragic relationship.

It’s time to step back.

First do no harm.

Surely I’ve done enough already.

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{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }

Rachel December 16, 2011 at 9:10 am

Lots of love to you gorgeous. Enjoy a special sparkly Christmas with your precious ones <3


Anonymous December 16, 2011 at 2:28 am

Do what feels right at the time and if it doesn't work out learn from your mistake. We all make mistakes, we are all human and fallible. Like you said in your previous post…

"Loving stuff, even if you lose it… it's what makes life sweet."

Wise words from a wise woman – NEVER forget that!


Canadian in Glasgow December 15, 2011 at 11:51 pm

Honey, all I'll say is don't make rules. You might be ready…you might not. Just…live. And it will come as it comes. Don't run from it, but don't obsess over it either. I feel in my heart that when things are meant to happen, they do…whether you want them to or not sometimes.
You are beautiful. Keep holding up that middle finger and just be YOU.


Melissa December 15, 2011 at 10:33 pm

You never know unless you try – if a step back is what you need – then so be it, you'll be even better prepared when you attempt to test those waters again.
Lots of love to you.


Anonymous December 15, 2011 at 7:29 pm

There, now. That's what the grumpy old lady was talking about.
I'm so glad there was no harm.
You're on track Lori, and the distance you have come these past months tells me you are growing into a wonderful, wise woman.
Listen to Miss Pink and let love come to you.
When you're ready.
Mrs. C


enlightned-one December 15, 2011 at 2:53 pm

You rock Lori (;
Definitely put it down as an experience that progressed you in the right direction.
Hopefully know harm was caused and the most important thing is to know that you are well worthy of someone's attention, ready or not, you are a star!
Love yourself! You are a good person and have lots of warmth and love.
I'm proud of u for knowing yourself so well now and knowing when to step back, rather than going through the endless cycle of pain.
Life is full of ever turning wheels, some good, some bad and other's a bit of both, the first step is to realise that you are stuck in the wheel and to hop out and make a change, you have done exactly that. Your on the road to success…….. Much love From Me (;xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


A Daft Scots Lass December 14, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Hey gurl! You tried it and that was brave enough for now.

Baby Steps


Miss Pink December 14, 2011 at 4:38 pm

People who have been through a lot less are a lot more needy than you.
You know what? Maybe you will never be less needy, it just takes that time to find a guy who can handle that.

You're the only person who can decide if you're ready, and what you're ready for. You needed to do this for yourself.

I'm a firm believer on letting love come to you. It never seems to arrive when you're looking for it, but when you stop and start to enjoy your own moments it usually turns up xx


Amy xxoo December 14, 2011 at 1:07 pm

So you're not ready yet? So be it. And, happily, you've arrived at that conclusion by yourself, without having it shoved down your throat by everybody else first.

Go easy, baby steps, all that stuff… xxoo


Wanderlust December 14, 2011 at 12:56 pm

Funny, after my online dating mishap I came to the same conclusion (which may have been obvious to others).

Go easy on yourself. There's no handbook for this. You're figuring it out as you go along.


Eccles December 14, 2011 at 8:28 pm

"… First do no harm. Surely I've done enough already."
My first reaction was "hey, where did that come from?" I hope you don't mean that you've caused enough harm?? (I have the unenviable ability to see things very differently to most folks) Do no harm to yourself first; have the strength, the will, the power, the peace, whatever you want to call it, to now protect the kidlets. All you can do is take each day as it comes, do the best with what you have, who you are & start over again tomorrow. (I hope this makes sense??? Delete it if it doesn't) You ARE succeeding, one step, one day at a time (X)


Amy@MyLifeasaCake December 14, 2011 at 8:54 am

Vicki (above) said everything I wanted to.

No advice, just love.


handmaidofpeace December 14, 2011 at 8:42 am

It's such a good idea.
Step back.
Reach that 1 year mark.
Discover who you are all over again. Enjoy it.



Vicky December 14, 2011 at 8:38 am

Mark it up as an experience. You tested the waters and discovered that your not ready to jump in just yet.

Don't give yourself such a hard time Lori. You're human. To want to be loved, cared, cuddled, caressed is perfectly normal. Especially when you have two small people that you give of yourself 24/7.

Have no expectations – that way you don't end up disappointed, and more often then not, end up very pleasently surprised.

Be kind to yourself. You are deserving. x


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