by Lori Dwyer on July 31, 2011 · 24 comments

I have an hour until I pick my children up again.
Excuse me while the toddler in me has a screaming temper tantrum, because I don’t want to, I am tired and sick of it and this is unfair.

(Life isn’t fair, Lori, isn’t that what my mum used to say?)

Having a break is lovely. But it makes going back even harder.

Plugging on. Moving on. Getting up every day and getting dressed and doing it- life. No matter how hard it is.

When all I want to do is sleep and eat chocolate and cry a little bit.

I don’t feel sorry for myself very often.. like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but gets you nowhere. It’s not my style to wallow.

But tonight I am very, very sorry for myself. this is fucking unfair and why does everyone get a normal life and I have to struggle on with this?

I don’t want to play anymore.

So many times, those four days when Tony was in the ICU, I turned to my best friend and said “They may need to sedate me soon. That’s OK, that’s fine, tell them to knock me out… I’m looking forward to it.”

Because I always felt on the verge on becoming hysterical, the verge of my fractured mind absolutley cracking and screaming out all the horror inside.

I still feel like that, sometimes. Like tonight. I don’t want to go back to life, back to my kids, back to being lonely and constantly swimming amongst my own murky thoughts.

Sedate me. Someone. Please.

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{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }

Janelle August 5, 2011 at 4:05 pm

I wonder why I don't get to have a normal life either.

It's not fair and it's fucked up.

When those pills get handed out, I'm gonna put my hand out.


Aimee August 2, 2011 at 10:30 pm

It's good to have all of these emotions – to feel!
Sleep, eat chocolate and cry… Why the hell not!

You are not alone! Although it may appear different from the outside many of us are facing similar everyday struggles, not "normal" lives at all!

Stay strong!


Annabellz August 2, 2011 at 5:29 am

No words that haven't been spoken… just hugs and a nudge forward… (((hugs)))


River August 1, 2011 at 8:15 pm

I'm sure you'll feel a bit better about it once you're hugging those babies. One step at a time Lori.


Donna August 1, 2011 at 6:36 pm

The aftermath of something you've looked forward to can be harsh beyond words. Bottoming out is a big way is hard to avoid. I feel for you Lori, one step at a time, dont look too far ahead, it'll just make you dizzy x


Glowless @ Where’s My Glow August 1, 2011 at 4:28 pm

The come down after a big event is torture. The mundane seems a little bleaker than it did before, at least for a little while.
Just keep swimming, Dory, and keep Twitter on :P x


Crystal Cheverie August 2, 2011 at 12:18 am

I totally get the "it's all over- back to reality" feeling. Nothing but HUGs…


Easy Peasy Kids August 1, 2011 at 11:11 am

Lori since you gave me your bracelet, which I haven't taken off, I feel you in my heart. I wish we could have spent some tiime chatting and I know you feel terribly alone and I do wish I could do something useful for you.
You are so real, honest and have great eyemakeup:) & were such a giggle at Blogopolis. I know its hard, really hard, you know nothing about me but i want to say the crappy black cloud does slowly too damn slowly eventualy passes away. It never completely leaves but the healing does take a fair amount of time.
If you ever wanna talk dm me .
BIg hugs Nx


Carmel August 1, 2011 at 10:57 am

My catch-cry sometimes is… 'Stop the world, I wanna get off'… Must have been the weekend for it.
I just want to be 80 already and looking back, not 40 looking ahead. Im too tired to make all the decisions that need to be made in the next 40 years. I just want it done already.
Ok.. So end of pity party for us, hunni? Its no fun here either. Shall we leave now?


Crystal Goulding August 1, 2011 at 10:39 am

Oh I know so badly exactly what you mean. Even though I havent had to go through what you have, I feel like this all the time. I don't want to go back, don't want to do this anymore. JUst wish I could go to sleep for a long time and not have to deal with it all. I understand you completely 150%


Julia August 1, 2011 at 9:35 am

Hope you had a good first night back, and your children went to bed with no struggles (is that even possible??) xx


Melissa August 1, 2011 at 6:43 am

Oh Lori. I'm sorry. It totally sucks and is completely unfair. I don't know how you are carrying on every day – but somehow you are, and I know that you can keep on – it's going to get better. You are amazing. Just keep on keeping on. You are super mama. xoxoxox sending lots of love.


Watercolor August 1, 2011 at 4:29 am

I wish I had a normal life, sigh. Hugs to you!!


In Real Life August 1, 2011 at 4:22 am



A Daft Scots Lass August 1, 2011 at 2:11 am

Hugs….just lots of hugs.


Hear Mum Roar July 31, 2011 at 11:05 pm

Lots of hugs:)


Maxabella July 31, 2011 at 10:48 pm

So tough to face reality, Lori, but face it we must. x


Shellye July 31, 2011 at 10:47 pm

You are in my thoughts and prayers today.


Kelloggsville July 31, 2011 at 9:37 pm

Being with young children is relentless. Being with young children alone is tiringly relentless. Being a single mum for the reasons you are can only add to it in ways I cannot possibly begin to understand. It seems natural to dread diving back in. The water is cold but once you get moving it gets easier. Grow you childcare support network big and strong so you can keep getting out of the pool to dry off and warm up xxxxxx


Suz @ Segovia and The I Love You Song July 31, 2011 at 8:44 pm

Sending much love Lori x


Kimmie July 31, 2011 at 8:33 pm

So hard to do but I love this quote…

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. ~Kenji Miyazawa


Being Me July 31, 2011 at 8:27 pm

It is one of those most awfully cruel realities. "The Return".
You looked so tired going up those stairs when I said goodbye, Lori. I have to admit to thinking for a split second how marvellous it would be to whisk you away (my car was right there), extent the respite for you a bit longer…. but then, that's madness and I just sound like a raving nutter. xxxxx Go gently, mate. It is such a crash back to reality, I can only imagine (but I can TOTALLY relate… I said a similar thing, more than once, about wanting to be knocked out "til this is all over"…. but the horror realisation is, it never is, we just find a different way through it).


Zoe Paige July 31, 2011 at 8:19 pm

Oh, I'm glad you had such a wonderful time away. Sending some hugs to you Miss Lori!


Annieb25 July 31, 2011 at 8:17 pm

Oh Lori. Sending you a big hug and much love. One day at a time hon, one day at a time. xxxx


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