In the interest of togetherness and harmony and all that good stuff, I’ve decided it’s sing-a-long day here at RRSAHM. Awesomeness.
I’ve penned the lyrics myself. It’s to be sung to tune of ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’. (Kinda. If you speed up some parts and slow down a few others, and ignore all the bits in brackets. Might help if you’re slightly drunk too. OK? OK.)
This Christmas in The Purple House, you can expect to see….
Twenty five Thirty one and a half metres of wrapping paper ( and counting).
Six hundred drives to see the Christmas lights. (Blue lights are so fashion this year, have you noticed? Very Better Homes and Gardens, fused with Kings Cross public toilets).
Ten presents for people we don’t really give a damn about.
One present for under the KMart Wishing Tree. (Crap. Forgot again. I’ll get there next year).
A few bad cases of sunburn.
Four different houses to visit on Christmas Day.
Which means four separate meals, and four of those crappy paper party hats.
And two ooooover-tired children. (We’re up to the ‘five golden rings’ bit, yes? For those who are singing along).
One gluttonous, over-fed Man.
One cranky Lori.
Way too many toys.
And a fellatio angel** on top of a Christmas tree.
* The more I think about this song, the more it freaking annoys me. Animal cruelty and lords-a-leaping slavery, that’s what we’re dealing with here people. Good cheer be damned. Humbug.
** *Ahem*. This is the angel that tops the Christmas Tree in the Purple House. She is quite pretty. She was the first ornament I bought for my very own Christmas tree, ten years ago when I first moved out of home. And, for that reason, I’m quite attached to her. But ever since the Man asked what, exactly, she was planning on doing with that candle… well, that’s all I can think about when I look at her.