Sometimes I am so freaking sick of my own voice inside my head. Seriously.
Sometimes it baffles me why so many people read this blog when it’s so… well… sad.
Sometimes, I wonder how long this will go on for.
Five months. And I just want some relief.
I have to stop and remind myself that this is relief, compared to what I was dealing with three months ago, four months ago.. compared to that, this should be easy.
But it’s not. It’s ridiculously difficult and I want a holiday from my head, because it’s such an unpleasant place to be. And there’s a little voice at the back of it that tells me to shut up and stop whinging, get over it already. And get back to normal.
There is no normal now.
I’m getting better, I know that… but it’s such a slow, drawn out process.
I wish I could sleep through it. Erase it.
Cry enough to wash it all away.
I wander my house at night,a ghost. I can’t wait for my children to go to bed, and when they do I am lost. Stuck half between who I was, and some new person who I’m building from the ruins.
A phoenix.
Twisted alchemy.
{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
We read because you are worth reading love. Because we care & because so many of us have determined that we absolutely will not leave you.
You are doing amazingly well. You are a shining light of hope & strength & sheer will power, even if it doesn't feel like it to you. I understand about the voices – OCD, ADD & PND make my head a very noisy place. Keep
Telling them to shut up. Think of a big, wide, empty blue sky.
Love Sophie xxx
As a reader, I actually don't think your blog is so sad. I think you are such a strong woman, and reading your ramblings is always inspiring in one way or another. Although our worlds are so different, often what you say can resonate so deeply with me. xx
So eloquently put by Rachel.
I know you want to escape from yourself, even just for a day, or an hour, anything to find relief from the voice and the pain and the memories.
The only true healer is time. You are early on in the process, it will get easier to cope with as the days roll into months and then years.
We read because we love you.
We read because even though it's sad, we want to know.
We read because it's compelling.
We read because even though it may not feel like it to you, every day you are getting stronger, healing, steering this new course. Believe it or not, you are proof that even in the worst of times there is hope.
And we read because for most of us, on a day to day basis, the only thing we can do for you, the only way we can support you, is by reading, silently being here and virtually holding your hand.
So we'll be here, you just keep writing.
Love always thepixiechick
Indeed you are a Phoenix, as I believe you will rise almighty from this great tragedy. Life will never be as it was before but I feel some sort of wonder awaits you. You so deserve it xx
You write to help you on your journey. I read because I have some deluded notion that it will help you on your journey. Like your words are more powerful if they're actually read. Please keep writing.
Lori, I've just spent 10 minutes writing and deleting my comment. Nothing I write really expresses how much I wish I could ease your pain. Or how I visit because I care. You're in my thoughts often. Take care. xx
The voices will go away and become a whisper. Lots of love.
The voices in my head is why I write and blog, and yet I never come close to expressing what is going inside as well as you do. Or Kristin. I, too am so sick of myself, so sick of the grief.
Last night I found myself thinking – I have no idea who I am…. I hate being a mother, being a wife was stripped from me, proven to be a lie. Who the hell was I all this time?
You seem to be doing to well, Lori, even at your bleakest. You inspire me. I think to myself, that if Lori can keep on doing this, then so can I.
When you speak, you speak for many, so please don't stop. It is such a relief to hear myself in your words, because I just don't have them.
That's it, Lori, perfect word: A Phoenix….
I think when we get married, we, as women tend to become or take on new identities i.e. the wife, mother, partner or even shadow of who we are. We lose our identity somewhat.
We are inextricably tied to that other person we married. We can forget who we are.
I think what you said is an absolutely perfect analogy (not that I'm an expert, no, but I feel you grasp exactly what it is that is happening to you and you're very much in touch with your feelings, something many are not).
This blog is indeed very sad, yet the clarity and the way you word your experiences in your posts are what draws people in. You have a way with words (as many have said).
I feel such empathy for you and am quietly in admiration of how you're growing and changing and coping so brilliantly. xx
Normal.
What the hell is that, again?
Honestly, there is no normal…it is just LIFE.
And, for you, this blog is such a sharing place FOR YOU to take the head voice, and put it into the written form.
Nights.
Yep. They are the worst.
Grief Grips Tight in the Night.
Morning comes, kids jump and play and that is your Day.
Nothing else. For now.
Love you. Denyse
Normal.
What the hell is that, again?
Honestly, there is no normal…it is just LIFE.
And, for you, this blog is such a sharing place FOR YOU to take the head voice, and put it into the written form.
Nights.
Yep. They are the worst.
Grief Grips Tight in the Night.
Morning comes, kids jump and play and that is your Day.
Nothing else. For now.
Love you. Denyse
Normal.
What the hell is that, again?
Honestly, there is no normal…it is just LIFE.
And, for you, this blog is such a sharing place FOR YOU to take the head voice, and put it into the written form.
Nights.
Yep. They are the worst.
Grief Grips Tight in the Night.
Morning comes, kids jump and play and that is your Day.
Nothing else. For now.
Love you. Denyse
Like all the comments above, we read because you are worth it. After my sister died less than three years ago, I was so whacked that normal never returned-and now younger brother has passed away too and I think the world has tilted a bit on her axis. That’s how it feels to me. I began reading you before my brother’s heart attack and subsequent death at 48 last week, I continue because I know that what I feel right now isn’t permanent; that’s true for you too.
So here we are, waiting, crying, hoping, existing knowing that’s all that we can do for now.
Wow, I really get that. I, too, have my days where I wish my head would just take a vacation and leave me alone for a while. It's hard when your thoughts are so dark, so black. I also understand why you would want to sleep through until you feel all better – I can't imagine healing from a wound as deep and just… horrific as yours could be anything but… just shit.
As for why I read? I read because I care. I care about your specific situation and I care about matters related to mental health and suicide. I also read because of the little, tiny glimpses of hope that peek through every once in a while, those teensy moments that prove to me that you will eventually be okay. I know that might sound strange coming from someone you've never met, but I really do believe it – you will get through this.
HUG!!
We read here because we care for you Lori.
This is your normal now, but things will gradually change and there will be a better normal. Just as today's normal is better than the normal you had in March or April.
We read here because we care for you Lori.
This is your normal now, but things will gradually change and there will be a better normal. Just as today's normal is better than the normal you had in March or April.
I get sick of my own voice all the time, and I haven't been through anything like you. Just PND making me crazy.
I read it because i care. Because you need someone to listen, and because you're worth it.
Sending you hugs xxx (oops almost wrote bugs! You probably don't want those!)
phoenix's rise from ashes.
and i know you will.
xx
Beautiful, glorious and sacrificing self for renewal,
you build a pyre and set yourself ablaze. For the
sake of self. Red bird of fire you come forth through
your ashes a new bird shedding the old self which no
longer is needful. You embrace your new strength and
fly to the heights of the sky to the city of the sun and
give the ashes unto the alter of the sun god for your
immortality. Embrace yourself for you are a child of
the sun and will live eternal through birth, death, and
renewal! The spirit never dies!
– Rebecca Wiles, "The Phoenix
Nothing helpful. Just xxxx
Darling Lori
I know how loud the voices in the head can be, I promise they do evenyually quieten down , to almost a whisper.
Hugs
Nx
PS To the Voices in Lori's Head shut the F**k Up !!
I totally understand where you are at. After losing my husband a year ago, I thought I would never get over it. I haven't. But it does get easier. I still have some very tough days but more and more of them are easier.
Nights are definitely the hardest, when I am lonely and tired.
There will be a new normal, probably not as you knew.
All the best.
We read it, for you. Because we care about you.
And one day, you'll be happy again, I promise.
I know it because you're doing all the hard stuff now, not hiding from it, not pretending.
You'll make it.