I am a terrible procrastinator.
It’s a bad habit, and Tony used to tease me endlessly for it. I could procrastinate competitively, representing the country. I can find a million other things to do with my time, rather than what’s on my To Do list– blogs to read, gardens to weed, toenails to cut. You get the drift.
It’s not an appealing quality, and lets face it– no one ever puts off things they want to do. It’s only the stuff we don’t want to do, for whatever reason, that gets left till tomorrow. Or the next day. Possibly even the day after that.
For me, the reason I put things off until tiny things become huge– even a phone call can feel like a massive, expectant event that clouds my horizon– is because I’m afraid of something. And it’s usually myself.
A few months back– if I’m honest, I think it was October– a blog reader of mine, Angela, asked me to test this online product, Step To Heal, for them. It’s not something they’re affiliated with, or a sponsored post or anything like that. It’s just that Angela writes a blog where she trials different bits and pieces and reviews them. The focus of this particular program is moving on from a relationship and a broken heart, and learning to let go.
It stemmed like a really, really good idea at the time.
Four– maybe five– months later, it still sits I my inbox, waiting for me to get a wriggle on.
As I said, I usually avoid things because I’m scared. Of me. And this is no different. While it might be what I need, it scares he bejesus out of me– and not only because it talks a lot in terms of your “ex partner”– I was fairly warned about that part.
The frightening thing is… well. I’m not entirely sure. But I’m inclined to think its having to confront so much stuff, so many emotions, when I seem to confront it all the time anyway. In the bits I can dream through, no pain, I will. I know– I can feel– so much horrible, ugly stuff beneath my surface that still needs examining. But the thought of doing it right now is terrifying.
That’s the thing about procrastination, though… as I said, it builds up. Little things become molehills that become mountains, and they stick in the back of your mind, low and deep, and you have to swallow past them.
My normal reaction is Nike–style, learned at the stoic knee of my mum– just do it, princess. The event itself is never as fraught as the anticipation that proceeds it.
But… not this time. This one still sits, kind of jeering at me (coward) from the bottom of my inbox, which acts a virtual blogging To Do list.
What can I say…? Not much.
I’m getting to it. I promise.