A post from the Before… I’ve hesitated posting it, for reasons that will become obvious. But, clearly, it was written- last November- very firmly tongue in cheek.
My husband… I loved that bloke. With a passion.
I Have PMS. Everyone’s An Idiot.
My Husband is a Moron.
Very Severe F*cking Language Warning.
I have PMS. It should be obvious, once I’ve said that, but- ta da!- the f-word is used a whole f*cking lot in this post*. I know. Lowest common denominator. Whatever.
I can tell I have PMS by consulting the following list of PMS Indicators.(I need indicators, OK? Remember, it’s been a while. Two months back into the cycle of things, so to speak, and I completely retract that entire blog post) If you happen to find any of these occurrences…erm… occurring over the period of longer than 24 hours, then congratu-f*cking-lations. You are the proud owner of fully bitchin’ case of PMS. The Seether.
- Most people are f*ckwits.
- Most people walk far too f*cking slowly.
- Most people talk far too f*cking slowly. My husband and my three year old are the worse for this. When I ask a question, I expect it to be an answer now. Not in five seconds time. NOW.
My one year old doesn’t answer me at all, which is even more frustrating.
- Have I mentioned most people are f*cking idiots?
- You feel the need to talk slowly and patronizingly, through gritted teeth, so that all these fucking idiots can understand…. what…. you … are…. saying. You go that, bucko? Or do I need to f*cking repeat it, you MORON?? This also translates into typing in italics. To get… your …point… across.
- All household appliances move far too f*cking slowly as well. How freaking long take it take for the computer to boot up? Seriously? Pathetic.
- You have a tendency to seek out idiots with which to sharpen your claws upon. I am so glad there are stupid people in the world, for days exactly like this.
The final, and most prolific Possible Indicators That
Lori Has You Have PMS And Everyone Should Clear Out And Go To Hell are…
- Out of all the f*cking idiots on the planet, your husband is the biggest f*cking idiot of all.
- Swearing under your breath is a valid, acceptable form of communication, and if people want to hear what you are saying, they should… listen… more…. closely. Idiots.
Oh my, yes. Apart from a lack of chocolate or foodstuffs dripping with grease and salt, the biggest problem of any women with PMS is her husband.
Do you want to hear the conversation that led to these final two conclusions? Of course you do. I would vlog it, but I’d end up breaking that f*cking stupid, slow webcam, so I … *ahem*… won’t.
Me: “See that women, Man, who walks past our house very day with different dogs? I’m fairly certain that’s what she does. She’s a professional dog walker.”
Man: “Seriously…? I don’t think they’re different dogs. I think one just a haircut, or something”.
Me: “Oh, of course. I f*cking live here and spend all f*cking day but I wouldn’t have a f*cking clue about what f*cking goes in in this place, would I? You, who is f*cking at work every day and doesn’t pay attention to f*cking anything anyway, would know much better. I tell you, they are different…. f*cking…. dogs, that women is a f*cking… dog… walker“**.
This is where the Man walks off in a huff. And, under my breath, I say something like “Oh, go on then, f*cking walk away, d*ckhead.”
So, there we go. Case in point. My husband is a f*cking moron.
And I, quite obviously, have PMS.
* I know, I know, I know, I will never ever get a blog sponsor using that kind of language. Whatthef*ckever.
**On closer inspection, the dog walker is probably not actually a dog walker. It appears her Pomeranian had, in fact, had a good grooming, and was now half it’s original size. Really, it’s a mistake anyway could make. And it does not change the fact that my husband is an idiot.