I’m afraid at the moment, and it’s unpleasant. Fear feels like the heavy coldness of a vaccine pushing it’s way through your veins. But it begins in your stomach and works it’s way out through your extremities.
I used to be afraid of everything, all the time. Only I didn’t really know it then. The absence of fear that came with the sky falling in was exhilarating. All bets were off, and there was nothing but the ghost of the anxiety that used to rule me. It was something abstract, that I could examine from afar.
My mum tells me she’s sad because she finally got ‘me’ back– the Lori she’s always known was still there, suffocating somewhere beneath all that heartache and guilt and trauma. I’m ‘normal‘ again. But the trade off is, I’ve discovered, that I’m suddenly afraid again.
Fear, for me, breeds apathy. It would be easy- so easy- to slip into a world of Reddit and procrastination and forget about the million adult-type things I should be doing.
Life has been comfortable and relatively easy for a while now. I’m kicking myself that I didn’t realise that. Didn’t bask in it. I didn’t realise how cruise-y things were until they suddenly became difficult again.
Speaking of which, I have at least five phone calls I should be making today. I have addresses to change, boxes to pack, last minute catching up to do. Schools and uniforms and paperwork to organise. Fingernail to bite, and stressing to be done.
Being an adult kind of sucks.
Eleven Nine days to go.
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Being a grown up fucking sucks. Especially if you are anything like me, and feel like a bloody kid at the best of times. Sometimes I’m rummaging through all the crazy life shit and I just want to collapse on the ground and beg someone to take care of me. But I can’t.
Which blows.
The fear thing is the real kicker, though. Trying to accomplish anything with the sickdoomfeeling in your belly is impossible.
Hope things get cruisey again and that you will be able to look back on this time and have it be just a crappy memory.
xx
Whoa, Molly! recently posted…At Least I Know What I Don’t Want
Thanks so much Molly xx
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