Hey my TonyHead,
Everyone else seemed to be such a tiny part of our lives, hey? We were so cellular. Our little purple complex, and everything was beautiful.
I remember everything. You know that, right? Even the things I thought I’d forgotten… I remember them now.
The very first time I realised, like a light bulb clicking on, that you were flirting with me. And you telling me, in perfect detail twelve months later, what I was wearing that day and how gorgeous and sweet and innocent you thought I was.
I remember sitting in a park in Glebe on our first date.
I remember the first huge argument we had, over some chick you knew, and how we managed to spend five hours apart before I was back, crawling into your bed, saying I was sorry, and you ruffled my hair and called me a boofhead.
I remember your voice shaking, and you got down on one day and asked me “Will you do the honour of becoming my wife… one day, eventually?” on the packed dirt floor of the old elephant enclosure at the zoo.
Because, you told me in your wedding speech, elephants are lucky.
You were so proud of that speech- and so you should have been, I was proud of you. I’ve never been so proud in my whole life as what I was that night, on the dance floor, arms wrapped around you, you whispering to me how perfect this was, how this was the best party you’d ever been to.
I remember you squeezing my hands, rubbing my hair, bringing me ice when I was in labour. Joking with me that I had eaten all the ice, and me crying, because didn’t you understand that was a tragedy??
I remember, we got pissed that last Christmas night. I’m so glad we did. In all the time we were together, I only saw you drunk a handful of times. And it seems like something a husband and wife should do together, get shitfaced.
You told me you loved me ten times a day. I loved that so much about you- that we told each other, and our kids, how much we loved them, all the time.
I miss you, you know that? the shock wears off… and the ache for you, it gets worse.
You told me, so may times, that no matter happened in our lives, we would always be best mates. We knew each other’s souls, inside out.
I miss you. I’d give anything, just for one more second… I’d give the rest of my life, for one more night with you.
That’s the hardest part about all this. All I want is you, and you.. you’re dead.
It’s just so hard, not to want to die too.
{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
Only my second visit here and I can only imagine the darkness that surrounds you too often….It honestly hurts just to read about it and I'm a virtual stranger.
I hope that the genuine outpouring of caring and concern *here* can carry you through one more day and that your children's hugs give you reason enough to keep inching forward.
~Kirri
I don't know what to say that may help you but you always help me by giving me Perspective on what ought to be unimportant things. You help me to stop worrying about wet towels on floors and look at the love xxx
Sending lots of love your way…
I only have 3 words for you….
YOU ARE AWESOME!!!
x
*HUGS* Thinking of you!
I'm here too. Late, but here. Sophie xxx
More Hugs!
All I have are hugs…hugs.
Tony will always be with you Lori, in your heart, in your dreams, in your children.
That is so beautifully written Lori. I don't know what else to say.
I'm with Miss pink, there are no words.
I've spent the day worrying about my Workaholic Hubby's mental state, and this post has made me decide to go and confront him head on about going to see his psych.
Your blog is amazing, you are amazing.
Sx
So this has sat up on my browser all day. I so desperately want to find something to say, but i have nothing.
You deserve so much more than past memories. You deserve to be still making those memories with him.
I wish I could wrap you up in a hug Lori xox
Oh Lori, he was a lucky man to have met you. What beautiful words xx
Sending love and hugs xxx
Oh Lori – hugs to u darling. You r just so amazing to share your journey with everyone. Every word I read is so moving. I sit here with tears rolling down my face and feel my own heart breaking for u. U r one amazing gal
I'm not much of a hugger, but… *hugs*
I can't imagine not feeling the same way, Lori. Wanting to be gone, right along with him.
So glad you've stayed though. Glad for the children. Glad for the family. Glad for all of us, who get to bond with you and be inspired and encouraged by you.
And glad for you, because I think that while there's always going to be a Tony-sized hole in your heart, one day there will be some peace and even happiness for you.
Winston Churchill – When you find yourself going through hell – just keep walking.
Keep walking, my friend. There is 'the other side'.
I'm here too xo
I am here and reading, you are not alone.
*hugs* big, big *hugs*
xxx
What a beautiful post. My heart aches for you. Close your eyes and remember him and he will always be there.
When you go to bed tonight, close your eyes & see Tony with his arms wrapped around you, whispering to you how it's perfect; telling you he loves you. Then go to sleep. He won't be there in the morning, but you only have to close your eyes… he's always there. <3
love to you our Lori.
Running through my head at the end of that was Tony responding to you with "Aaaah you, I love you Boofhead, you know that right?", lol I have no idea why I thought that.
Thank you for sharing that with us, it is beautifully written and I am sure that Tony is looking down on you, his heart swelling with pride for the way you have managed to keep going for the kids.
Hugs to you
Reading this feels as though I'm intruding on a private loving moment between a man and his devoted wife.
Beautifully written xoxox